Feeling Rejected

[Tigerlily95]

My story begins about 12 years ago when myself and two friends (all female) became active in our church and befriended one of the parish priests. The priest is 8 years older than me and 8 years younger than them. We all got along very well and even did some things socially together. After a while allegations were made against me by one of the “friends” that I was trying to use people to get to him. I was not. Soon after the friendship between us two suffered greatly and the dynamic of the friendship with the priest changed as well. All of a sudden the two friends started socially seeing the priest without including me in the events. I was abruptly shunned and was never given an explanation. This event happened about 8-9 years ago and to this day I can’t get over the feeling of being rejected. I might add that the two “friends” are matronly and without husbands, where I am 16 years their junior, married and with a young family. What concerns me the most is why I am still so obsessed with the fact that I was rejected by the group. It may seem trivial and even immature, but it is something I need help getting over. Any advice would be greatly appreciated and also clarification if need be.Thanks.
Tigerlily95

 

[Caroline723]

I have seen what you describe, happen in my old parish. Unmarried women get really involved in the parish, get close to a priest who is perhaps really enthusiastic/charismatic, and he starts to fill that male void in their lives. I am not unsympathetic to them, but the dynamic can get pretty catty.

Are you still in the same parish and seeing these three people? If you are still around these people, it would explain why it’s still bothering you. Seeing them just stirs up old wounds. You should go to a new parish, and start with a clean slate.

I think another possible reason why it’s still bothering you all this time later, is because there is some truth to it. Perhaps without realizing it, you were seeking a closeness with this priest that was lacking in your marriage. I don’t know; it’s just speculation. But sometimes it can take years for us to see our own culpability in situations. Or perhaps you are lonely and miss being part of something outside of your home. It seems like there is more to the story if you still feel unpeaceful.

 

[EasterJoy]

Your older friend tried to dictate to you to act the way she saw fit, and when you didn’t, you were out, just like your were a 4th grader put out of the 6th grade clique in grade school? Whether it is grade school or well into adulthood, it hurts when your friends cut you out, and particularly when they do so covertly, let alone on the pretext that you were in the wrong (with them as the only judge and jury) or that they are suitable for their social clique, but you don’t make the cut.

Covert aggression hurts, yet almost all parish aggression is of the covert kind. As I used to like to say when I was in a position like this (although not in my parish), paranoia is the gift that keeps on giving. When you find out stuff is going on behind your back, you always kind of wonder if something else is afoot, even though the chances are very high that everyone else has forgotten the original transgression except you. It is high time for you to let go of this, not because it was nothing, but because there is nothing you can do to change what happened and nothing you can do to keep the same thing from happening with this pair of friends again.

I’d agree with Caroline723 that it is better not to spend time with people that you would make friends except that they have proven not to be worthy of your trust. If the parish isn’t big enough to make it possible to avoid them, consider changing parishes. You can probably just avoid them, though, by choosing a different regular Mass time and getting yourself involved in youth activities and other things that don’t tend to draw the attention of the older parishioners.

 

[Tigerlily95]

Thanks for your reply…

In response to Caroline723, yes I am still in the parish with the same 3 (2 women and 1 priest). I have managed to maintain a friendship still with the one friend (that did not cause problems) and the priest and I do see those two socially with my husband. The other one I may see occasionally if the situation arises at a parish function and we are civil at best.

I pretend that this division has not affected me, but when I here through the mutual friend of all the things they do without me, I am hurt. Very immature I know, but non the less I’m hurt. She does not brag, but casually mentions that they did this or that.

Its funny you brought up that maybe there is something else underlying. I’ve been thinking that myself. I am trying to question, what I may be lacking in my life to feel this way.

What did happen recently was a moment when I asked the friend what may have happened and her reply was that he (the priest) chose us, we did not go after him and that he picks his own friends. So what does that say? Was that a slap in the face or what? Outside of this triangle, my friend and I have many other things in common and spend a lot of time talking of those things, so our friendship does not just hinge on the relationship with the priest.

Another thing is that when I do get together with the friend and priest it is ALWAYS, my husband and I doing the inviting. They never call to say, hey want to do dinner with us or see the show with us. THAT really hurts. So am I looking like the fool, continually asking them to do things?

 

[underacloud]

Another thing is that when I do get together with the friend and priest it is ALWAYS, my husband and I doing the inviting. They never call to say, hey want to do dinner with us or see the show with us. THAT really hurts. So am I looking like the fool, continually asking them to do things?

Well maybe you should stop.

I don’t want to sound harsh or unsympathetic, but the reality is that people will choose their own friends and how they spend their free time. If you feel the friendships have become one sided, and this is bothering you, then you need to back off.

Priests are very busy and have many demands on their time. It is not surprising that he will not initiate social gatherings in his free time, which is very limited.

 

[Issa87]

I’ve been there. Although, I WAS in elementary school when it happened. lol I told myself to go make new friends. But, I kept on drawing the same type of people to me throughout the years. I think it is a learning opportunity at best. It can teach you something about your character once you get away from it and have some time to move on and reflect. For me, I had to learn more about myself and what I would and would not accept in relationships with people. I had to learn what was okay and wasn’t okay. My best advice is to make new friends. You don’t want to be around people who have hurt you, and you especially don’t want to be around people who can’t appreciate you. All you are doing by trying to maintain this friendship that isn’t there is hurting yourself. It is fine to be civil and friendly to these people, but branch out a bit more and make more friends. Maybe you have over-looked others around you who would be better friends than these women and priest. I am sorry for your loss, I know how it hurts to be shunned by people you have cared about.

 

[Tigerlily95]

Thank you all for your replies. I will take them all to heart and pray on them…God Bless!

 

[Miss_Felicity]

Thanks for your reply…

In response to Caroline723, yes I am still in the parish with the same 3 (2 women and 1 priest). I have managed to maintain a friendship still with the one friend (that did not cause problems) and the priest and I do see those two socially with my husband. The other one I may see occasionally if the situation arises at a parish function and we are civil at best.

I pretend that this division has not affected me, but when I here through the mutual friend of all the things they do without me, I am hurt. Very immature I know, but non the less I’m hurt. She does not brag, but casually mentions that they did this or that.

Its funny you brought up that maybe there is something else underlying. I’ve been thinking that myself. I am trying to question, what I may be lacking in my life to feel this way.

What did happen recently was a moment when I asked the friend what may have happened and her reply was that he (the priest) chose us, we did not go after him and that he picks his own friends. So what does that say? Was that a slap in the face or what? Outside of this triangle, my friend and I have many other things in common and spend a lot of time talking of those things, so our friendship does not just hinge on the relationship with the priest.

Another thing is that when I do get together with the friend and priest it is ALWAYS, my husband and I doing the inviting. They never call to say, hey want to do dinner with us or see the show with us. THAT really hurts. So am I looking like the fool, continually asking them to do things?

Here is your main problem IMHO. Whoever is feeding information back and forth and telling you what is done without you needs to knock it off and you need to be the one to tell them, kindly but firmly that you don’t care to know about their social outings and activities. It is pretty 2nd grade for whomever this is to do this and they may not realize it. Your emotional health dictates that you need to let them know its not helpful. If it persists remind them, if that doesn’t work that mutual “friend” should be downgraded to acquaintance.

If you really like your Parish and don’t wish to go elsewhere you must set and maintain boundaries with all involved. Be civil at Parish events, be kind and charitable always but treat all involved with a long handled spoon.

Also consider broadening your circle of friends and activities outside of your Parish, please consider book clubs, service organizations etc. Some of these things you husband could also be involved in, it really strengthens relationships to do meaningful activities together. You may also want to reserve a special group/activity alone, as some separate activity from your spouse is also healthy.

If I were you, I would use this unfortunate turn of events to help me reevaluate and do positive things elsewhere outside these 3 people. Best of luck HTH

 

[EasterJoy]

Maybe the priest feels safer with older widows than with younger married women. Maybe he likes the one woman you never see, and he knows the two of you are on the outs, so he sees you separately, while he spends more time with the woman who gets along with everybody. The main thing to remember is that** you can’t know and you shouldn’t push it**. Let it go.

As for “So what does that say? Was that a slap in the face or what?”…Run some scenarios through your head before you ask questions like this! You put her on the spot to interpret the actions of two other people behind their backs. What did you *want *the woman to say? Did you think she was going to say, “Oh, we had no idea you would have wanted to come along…why didn’t you say something sooner?” Why would you think that? If you did, well, the answer you got was the chance you took when you gambled that this was some sort of misunderstanding instead of a conscious choice. Did you hope she’d think up a polite lie for you, if you (and presumably all the other adults in parish ministries) were not included because a priest has a limited amount of time for socializing? Did you hope (I hope not) that she’d give you the dirt on the second woman who you think is behind all this?

You are married and have children. You have a social life there. These ladies and the priest are unmarried. Their “social life” with each other is a fraction of what yours is. The priest may even find you a temptation that he is better off avoiding. Maybe the amount of time that he sees you and your family is about right, considering all the other people he’d like to spend time with. What you know for sure is that they all have your phone number. If they want to include you, they’ll call. Whatever gets back to the other two after your interrogation of the second woman will either be nothing or it will not be terribly comfortable. That is not good, and does not reflect well on you. Let this drop, or you may find that even the priest and the second woman will have to start finding excuses to turn down your generous offers to host them.

 

[Tigerlily95]

Such wonderful advice from everyone…thank you all

 

[EasterJoy]

…It is pretty 2nd grade for whomever this is to do this and they may not realize it…

It is better not to mention social events from which the person you are talking to has been excluded, but what if the woman doesn’t consider it an exclusion, but just a sorting out of interests and schedules? My friends and family talk about all sorts of things they did without having thought to invite me, and vice versa. It is not at all uncommon to mention it when they did things with common acquaintances, rather than with people I don’t even know. I’m sure they’d think this far more interesting to me than news about people I’ve never met.

Isn’t the OP somehow OK about inviting the priest and woman in the middle, but not her “enemy”? Why wouldn’t the woman in the middle conclude that the “enemy” also has the OK to arrange social events that don’t include the OP? Surely the OP implies that it is OK to “choose your friends” by her action. Why would she expect that her remaining friend ought not talk about anything in her social life that doesn’t include this busy mother? Besides, if she talks to both about the other, she can maintain the pretense that the parting of ways was amicable…and perhaps she naively believes that it was.

 

[EasterJoy]

Such wonderful advice from everyone…thank you all

It is very easy to take these things harder than anyone meant them. Try to enjoy your friendship with the priest and the woman who’s still your friend, and let the other woman go. You might even try including her in your prayers. The thought that you and she are preparing to spend eternity in bliss together (once the Lord has finished with both of you) does wonders when it comes to keeping things “civil”.

If all goes well, you will both be saints one day, and this will be dross.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

It is better not to mention social events from which the person you are talking to has been excluded, but what if the woman doesn’t consider it an exclusion, but just a sorting out of interests and schedules? My friends and family talk about all sorts of things they did without having thought to invite me, and vice versa. It is not at all uncommon to mention it when they did things with common acquaintances, rather than with people I don’t even know. I’m sure they’d think this far more interesting to me than news about people I’ve never met.

Isn’t the OP somehow OK about inviting the priest and woman in the middle, but not her “enemy”? Why wouldn’t the woman in the middle conclude that the “enemy” also has the OK to arrange social events that don’t include the OP? Surely the OP implies that it is OK to “choose your friends” by her action. Why would she expect that her remaining friend ought not talk about anything in her social life that doesn’t include this busy mother? Besides, if she talks to both about the other, she can maintain the pretense that the parting of ways was amicable…and perhaps she naively believes that it was.

The person telling OP probably doesn’t consider it exclusion which is why its the OP’s job to take responsibility for the turmoil it causes her and ask to not be informed of it. Clearly this is upsetting to OP weather it would be to you or I or not is beside the issue to me.

I don’t know the OP personally but I would venture to say that she is not saying that she doesn’t want to hear of anyone doing anything without her but this particular group of people and the ending or at least altering of friendship makes it a sore spot. I’m sure there are other topics of conversation outside of the social activities of these few people. To use a very poor example, I think of it like that mutual friend who remains friends with your former boyfriend or girlfriend, its a sore topic so what they are doing shouldn’t make it back to you.(hope that makes sense)

 

[EasterJoy]

The person telling OP probably doesn’t consider it exclusion which is why its the OP’s job to take responsibility for the turmoil it causes her and ask to not be informed of it. Clearly this is upsetting to OP weather it would be to you or I or not is beside the issue to me.

I don’t know the OP personally but I would venture to say that she is not saying that she doesn’t want to hear of anyone doing anything without her but this particular group of people and the ending or at least altering of friendship makes it a sore spot. I’m sure there are other topics of conversation outside of the social activities of these few people. To use a very poor example, I think of it like that mutual friend who remains friends with your former boyfriend or girlfriend, its a sore topic so what they are doing shouldn’t make it back to you.(hope that makes sense)

Yes, it is very easy to overthink these things and to take offense when no one is dreaming of giving offense. The original friendship has cooled, yes, but that happened eight or nine* years* ago! That is long enough that even old flames can come to see rather innocuous, and let us remember that the OP was very insistent that she was not trying to get in too tight with this priest friend of theirs. When we do our best to work these things out on our own and don’t let on how some event hurt us, it can be hard for our friends to imagine that we even think about the thing any more. We protest that we are OK, that we don’t have any intention of being in tight, and they believe us. Since that is the route she chose–which is to say that since she’s let this friend of hers talk about this topic for years now without saying anything–she’d probably be best off to stick with that route. If she needs some counseling to help her stop obsessing about it, that would be OK, that is normal, but after all this time, she needs to let the matter drop, since everyone else was allowed to move on years ago.

 

[Caroline723]

The dynamic of all of the relationships here sounds an awful lot like when two people are dating, he breaks up with her, and then she tries to maintain a friendship with mutual friends but hearing about his post-breakup life stirs up old wounds. I’m not insinuating romantic feelings on either end of this, but the aftermath is really similar. It’s just an unhealthy dynamic.

Have you tried taking a break from all of these people for a good long period of time? I mean, you go to a new parish for a while, and avoid seeing them? There is just too much history here; do you even enjoy getting together, or are you always apprehensive of what she is going to tell you?

It’s sad when friendships end, but some don’t last a lifetime. Sometimes you just need to cut contact and move on.

 

[Tigerlily95]

The unfortunate thing is that I truly love my parish. I am very involved there and I would hate to have to move because I can’t deal with the situation at hand. The fact is that I never see the two friends at church. They are never at the Mass I attend, so there is no problem there.

I know I will be fine. I feel there must be something deeper inside myself that needs healing with. The fact that this rejection still feels so raw is what concerns me. I am wondering if this has to do with something in my past. I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad (although I do now). Maybe the rejection from the priest is unconsiously reminding me of being rejected from my dad. Maybe I wanted a strong friendship with him because he has such fatherly characteristics that I was maybe lacking.

Reading all the posts really made me start to think…really, thank you all for your kind (name removed by moderator)ut, whether they were positive or not. I really appreciate it! God Bless!

 

[underacloud]

I know I will be fine. I feel there must be something deeper inside myself that needs healing with. The fact that this rejection still feels so raw is what concerns me. I am wondering if this has to do with something in my past. I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad (although I do now). Maybe the rejection from the priest is unconsiously reminding me of being rejected from my dad. Maybe I wanted a strong friendship with him because he has such fatherly characteristics that I was maybe lacking.

That’s very interesting and could well be part of the issue. No one likes feeling rejected, but you seem to have taken this more personally than many people would. As others have suggested, the priest may be deliberately avoiding being overly close to a young married woman (you or any young married woman), because this can be a serious concern. Or, as I suggested, he may simply be extremely busy and not inclided to initiate social activities. Either way, I think you just need to accept that it’s the way it must be. But I think you’re coming round to that conclusion yourself anyway.

 

[EasterJoy]

The unfortunate thing is that I truly love my parish. I am very involved there and I would hate to have to move because I can’t deal with the situation at hand. The fact is that I never see the two friends at church. They are never at the Mass I attend, so there is no problem there.

I know I will be fine. I feel there must be something deeper inside myself that needs healing with. The fact that this rejection still feels so raw is what concerns me. I am wondering if this has to do with something in my past. I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad (although I do now). Maybe the rejection from the priest is unconsiously reminding me of being rejected from my dad. Maybe I wanted a strong friendship with him because he has such fatherly characteristics that I was maybe lacking.

Reading all the posts really made me start to think…really, thank you all for your kind (name removed by moderator)ut, whether they were positive or not. I really appreciate it! God Bless!

Maybe it is because I do this kind of thing myself–that is, spend a lot of time thinking about things that are really best handled by just letting go–but I think you’re overthinking this. There gets to be a point where chewing on and worrying over the problem gets to be a habit. If it goes on too long, it gets to be your Moby Dick. My guess is that you have been able to get along with people most of the time over the course of your life, you didn’t go through big ugly piles of this while you were in school, maybe you were even a teacher’s pet, and this situation is more or less a novel situation for you.

Whatever the case, sometimes it is best to admit how much this hurt and just let go of it. No “it wouldn’t hurt so much if” or “it would have never happened if” or any of the “what ifs”. Just “That really hurt. It’s time to let go of how much it hurt. It’s time to get on to dwelling on other things.”

Or, you could try this, sometime it helps:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice!
Your kindness should be known to all.
The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers,
whatever is true,
whatever is honorable,
whatever is just,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is gracious,
if there is any excellence and
if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things.
Phil. 4:4-8

 

[Tigerlily95]

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Have you tried taking a break from all of these people for a good long period of time? I mean, you go to a new parish for a while, and avoid seeing them? There is just too much history here; do you even enjoy getting together, or are you always apprehensive of what she is going to tell you?

It’s sad when friendships end, but some don’t last a lifetime. Sometimes you just need to cut contact and move on.

I was about to suggest the same thing.

I am the sort of person who gets attached to people and has a hard time letting go of friendships. I used to make a huge effort with some people without getting much in return, and would always think of excuses for them (they are busy, they forgot, something must have come up, etc.) and would never dare think that perhaps they just didn’t care enough about me. Because that hurts.
I have gotten much better at this over time and now find it much easier to let go.

If you keep making an effort and these people respond but never make a step without prompting, you will become even more resentful. If you decide right now that you have had enough of drama and tension, and that you will let things be, you will feel more in control of the situation. You must be prepared for the possibility that the firendship will completely fizzle out, but it could also make a turn for the better. You just never know. But it doesn’t make much sense to carry on like this and for you to agonize over it.