Feeling sad for my sis, where are all the Catholic guys?

[I_A]

In your original post, you mentioned “swearing off drinking and partying…” I’m an old fogey, could you clarify what young people mean by this? Are you talking about underage drinking? And please, define “party-ing”.

In college drinking often means binge drinking to the point where vomiting is expected, dancing is nothing more than girls groping each other beneath flashing lights and partying is ususally a mix of the aforementioned with sex at the end of the night.

Yes there is respectable drinking, parties and dancing, but far to many people have a distorted view of recreation.

 

[LynnieLew]

My sister is iin the EXACT same situation. She lives in NYC.
She too gets discouraged because she cna’t find anyone. She even went on an Ave Maria cruise.

Just had to add to the bunches of depressed threads on this subject.

My little sis is feeling sad. She feels a strong calling to motherhood and the marrital vocation, but there just don’t seem to be any nice guys even worth knowing let alone dating.

We both belonged to a homeschool group, but none of the guys were prepared for a courtship or eventual marriage. (Nice, but pretty immature).

She has lots of offers to date, but the guys are all non-Catholic or have various lifestyles that aren’t safe or good. And the worst part is they are willing to raise up to her level (such as swearing off drinking, partying and sex) but not as a true lifestyle change leading to marriage, rather the indefinite dating game, just to have a partner.

I just feel sad for her and wish I could do something! She is very uninterested in avemaria or catholicsingles. Prayers for her, please!

 

[sneakers]

Just had to add to the bunches of depressed threads on this subject.

My little sis is feeling sad. She feels a strong calling to motherhood and the marrital vocation, but there just don’t seem to be any nice guys even worth knowing let alone dating.

We both belonged to a homeschool group, but none of the guys were prepared for a courtship or eventual marriage. (Nice, but pretty immature).

She has lots of offers to date, but the guys are all non-Catholic or have various lifestyles that aren’t safe or good. And the worst part is they are willing to raise up to her level (such as swearing off drinking, partying and sex) but not as a true lifestyle change leading to marriage, rather the indefinite dating game, just to have a partner.

I just feel sad for her and wish I could do something! She is very uninterested in avemaria or catholicsingles. Prayers for her, please!

A woman in our parish met her husband on avemariasingle.com as well. He’s a wonderful man. They have been married for several years now and have a beautiful baby boy! And both are very involved in our parish.

How old is your sister? I have a 23 year old son (currently stationed in Japan in the Navy), who wants to marry a Catholic girl (yaaayyyyy!!!) Actually, he would NOT be happy with me if he knew I was trying to match him up! LOL!

sneakers
PNM (Proud Navy Mom) of Nate

 

[LittleRose]

FiremanFrank is having similar troubles finding good Catholic women.

 

[hasikelee]

In your original post, you mentioned “swearing off drinking and partying…” I’m an old fogey, could you clarify what young people mean by this? Are you talking about underage drinking? And please, define “party-ing”.

The reason I ask, I’m a devout Catholic, as are many of my friends… As adults, we do drink alcohol in moderation. We also love to go hear good music and dance, we even have dances at the Parish (for youth, for adults and at family events). In my day, going out dancing/hanging with friends was what we called party-ing. Do I have an out-dated idea?

No, no, you do not have an outdated idea. Dancing and partying is great.

I am talking about what appears to be normal nowadays. Normal meaning my coworkers call off work because they had to go to the hospital to get their stomachs pumped. Normal meaning sleeping with three girls in one night. Normal meaning mixing different drugs with alcohol.

For example, there is not one person at her work who is not engaging in premarital, casual sex with multiple people, getting drunk to the point of unconsciousness, partying late into the night to the point of missing work/school, taking or trying various drugs especially weed and generally living a really messed up life because they don’t know any better.

I guess when you were my age life was fun. Nowadays it just seems dark and unhappy.

 

[Ahimsa]

Not quite.

The girl that I met from a prayer/Renew group suggested sex to me on the 2nd date.

The girl I met from in front of the abortion clinic, I never dated but was just friends with.

And at one point several years after I had met her when I visited her home, she came just barely wrapped in a towel.

Yikes!

As if I don’t have ENOUGH temptations to deal with already …

Yeah, man, you have had a tough life.

 

[catholicsingles]

simply put, ask her to put in some payer time on her own…it can be hard to see someone you know be alone however it’s ‘you can lead a horse to water…’,

she needs to make the effort on her own, but with that said some suggestions:

-have her remember to flirt when she meets someone she likes (many men/women act like they aren’t interested and then wonder why no one else does either). this includes being ready and always looking her best when in public…you never know when you’ll run into a potential date!

-find out where she is most comfortable meeting people…is it through friends, at work, or at parties? you mentioned she wasn’t too interested in websites, and that’s fine, but they do work for a lot of people! (we occassionaly have events that may interest her too, so you might check out CatholicThrive.com for some in your area).

-tell her to really get involved in an activity she really enjoys like a sport, volunteer group, etc…some groups are better than others and only attract a certain crowd so you have to discern which ones to spend more time with…

-have her consider if a vocation is out of the question or not! not everyone will end up, or is meant to marry…single vocations are very important as is a religious calling.

good luck and either way she is lucky to have a sibling like you looking out for her!

 

[FiremanFrank]

Yeah, man, you have had a tough life.

Well, if you’ve been celibate for over a decade …

Are a fairly decent looking guy, to the point that over 2 dozen women have made advance towards you …

With over a third of those offering you a free and open reign to sexual relations with them …

While at work the guys are constantly encouraging you to “just find a girl” and do you know what with her …

Then I guess, yes.

At times, it pretty much has been a tough life.:ehh:

 

[havemercy]

Praying for your sister!

 

[Norseman82]

That is what is most depressing about this situation. My sister is a very active single person. She impresses me with the way she shares her time and talents in the world and the Church. She is in the Archdiocesan choir, volunteers at our parish, helps direct our parish choir, is an EO in our parish youth group, go to many pro-life events, lobbying events, oh, it makes my head spin!

I think that this is a very important point that needs to be addressed. It seems like the answer is always “you need to get more involved”. What happens when you already involved? There are only 24 hours in the day…you cannot squeeze in a 25th…what then? We’re going to be 95 years old and still being told that we need to do more volunteer work!

I think we need to realize that a lot of single Catholics are like the Greek-speaking women in Acts who were basically ignored and acknowledge that there are people in life who have been left out and that their needs and feelings are real and should not be dismissed.

That being said, one thing that sticks out in my mind: I spoke of my frustrations regarding this in confession once and the priest responded with one question: “Do you make yourself available?” Obviously, your sister sounds like she is making herself available, but I will make this comment to everyone in general. We need to get out there and socialize. The only thing that you didn’t mention in your post was whether your sister goes to any Catholic social functions/mixers - and if your answer is that there are none, then we may have diagnosed part of the problem right there! (And when we are at these functions, a lot of times the guys always congregate with the guys and the ladies with the ladies - and trying to breaking into the other gender’s circle can be harder than trying to break into Fort Knox.)

Also, sometimes we hear answers like:

1. “You need to deepen your relationship with God more”. OK, there may be some obvious things we may need to correct that could interfere with our ability to be a good husband/wife/father/mother, but keep in mind that deepening our relationship with God continues until our dying breath.
2. “God will send you a spouse of His choosing in His own time” or “God wants you to do something else with your life”. First of all, consdering that the Cathechism tells parents to respect children’s freedom of choice in choosing spouses/occupations, I question the theology of the whole “everyone’s spouse is predetermined before we’re born” mindset.

I think that the way the world is today, the Church needs to put even more effort into educating peoples on making good choices in dating, especially in getting back to fundamentals. Just once I’d like to hear a priest announce from the pulpit “Don’t ignore your fellow Catholics” and “Stop pursuing ineligible people”. The last statement bears an example. I was at a theology on tap where the topic was avoiding relationships that could lead to divorce and one person asked for advice on dating a divorced man. Not once did the presenter - *who was an archdiocesan official *- mention that unless the divorced person had an annulment or the marriage was non-sacramental, he was off limits in the first place and to give a never-married guy a chance…I had to pull her aside and tell her myself!

Again, I’m not directing these criticisms at you or your sister, but it may be necessary for a Catholic guy in your sister’s social circle to read this in order to give her a chance.

(My apologies if my post is a little disjointed, I’m trying to post and watch the Bears playoff game at the same time).

 

[Alison]

Hmm…pretty good post Norse, that’s also a preeety wise priest. I’m going to have to think about those things you’ve mentioned. In fact, I’ve been contemplating those reflections for a large part of my day.:tiphat: Thanks.

 

[chicago]

That being said, one thing that sticks out in my mind: I spoke of my frustrations regarding this in confession once and the priest responded with one question: “Do you make yourself available?” Obviously, your sister sounds like she is making herself available, but I will make this comment to everyone in general. We need to get out there and socialize. The only thing that you didn’t mention in your post was whether your sister goes to any Catholic social functions/mixers - and if your answer is that there are none, then we may have diagnosed part of the problem right there! (And when we are at these functions, a lot of times the guys always congregate with the guys and the ladies with the ladies - and trying to breaking into the other gender’s circle can be harder than trying to break into Fort Knox.)

Regarding “availability”, a concern which I frequently see amidst devout Catholics is that they may not be making themselves available BEYOND Church activities. “But I don’t like going to the bars,” is one excuse that frequently gets tossed about. Well, fine, you don’t have to do that scene, then. But what about heading to some concerts or the ball game, a dance, or whatever else it is in life that you simply enjoy doing. Maybe finding that mate is a task which takes more than going to parish prayer groups and young adult social activities. Hopefully, you’ll have something more in common with your future spouse beyond the faith, anyway. Perhaps the place to cross paths with that person of interest is out in the world beyond the safety of the Church walls. Expand the social circles if you want to meet more people. They may be right, they may be wrong. (I may be crazy.) But (you saw this coming now, didn’t you) this just may be where you’ll find that crazy person you were looking for all along who will fall madly in love with you.

 

[havemercy]

So, have my righteous prayers availed, or is your sister still single?

haha still praying. He’ll come around.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

I have two good Catholic brothers. My brother is 32, and is still looking. I used to worry all the time about not finding a husband-I met him when I was 16, but spent my teenage years depressed because all my pretty friends had one boyfriend after the other.

 

[Norseman82]

Regarding “availability”, a concern which I frequently see amidst devout Catholics is that they may not be making themselves available BEYOND Church activities. “But I don’t like going to the bars,” is one excuse that frequently gets tossed about. Well, fine, you don’t have to do that scene, then. But what about heading to some concerts or the ball game, a dance, or whatever else it is in life that you simply enjoy doing. Maybe finding that mate is a task which takes more than going to parish prayer groups and young adult social activities. Hopefully, you’ll have something more in common with your future spouse beyond the faith, anyway. Perhaps the place to cross paths with that person of interest is out in the world beyond the safety of the Church walls. Expand the social circles if you want to meet more people. They may be right, they may be wrong. (I may be crazy.) But (you saw this coming now, didn’t you) this just may be where you’ll find that crazy person you were looking for all along who will fall madly in love with you.

(Oh, great, now I have that old Icehouse song in my head…)

Anyway…the problem is that outside of faith activities, your chances of finding a serious Catholic person lessen. (It’s like the age-old question: Why do you rob banks? Because that is where the money is at!)

Oh sure, there is a chance that you could find a Catholic girl in a bar (one I thought would be the Norsewoman I actually met at a bar in my younger days, and to show you that I was open to “mixed marriages”, she had a cousin that went to Quigley South!). But honestly, where do you find a better chance of finding a serious Catholic? What are your chances of getting a shiny Lexus at a used Yugo lot?

And as far as other interests besides faith, yeah, I agree that there are other matters, but if we are serious Catholics, are we not supposed to be putting faith and morals at the top of the list as non-negotiables? The other things that we don’t have in common (like if she’s a cat person or doesn’t like hockey or something like that) I could make an effort to live with and hopefully she will reciprocate. Sometimes in the non-essentials the opposites complement each other to make one whole.

And as far as the “I’m not into the bar scene” being an excuse, please keep in mind that people do grow out of it.

I have much to teach you, O grasshopper (or, shall I say, “Norsehopper”, which I nominate as your new screenname in honor of our alma pater )

 

[chicago]

Anyway…the problem is that outside of faith activities, your chances of finding a serious Catholic person lessen. (It’s like the age-old question: Why do you rob banks? Because that is where the money is at!)

Oh sure, there is a chance that you could find a Catholic girl in a bar (one I thought would be the Norsewoman I actually met at a bar in my younger days, and to show you that I was open to “mixed marriages”, she had a cousin that went to Quigley South!). But honestly, where do you find a better chance of finding a serious Catholic? What are your chances of getting a shiny Lexus at a used Yugo lot?

I think that where the problem comes in is if we limit the possibilities. No doubt, it is more likely that you’ll find someone who loves to go to Eucharistic adoration at an adoration chapel than the strip club. But you might both like baseball or something. And meet at a game. There’s no reason that we should self limit ourselves to the parochial stuff, then. Given, not everyone you meet at the game will be devout Catholics. But, perhaps, that is a chance that has to be taken and a task to be sorted through.

And as far as the “I’m not into the bar scene” being an excuse, please keep in mind that people do grow out of it.

Some people never even grow into it. I merely mean to say that just because that’s not your “scene” shouldn’t exclude you from finding other “scenes” which would be appropriate. I do think that there are plenty of socializing opportunities out there and other activities to get involved in where you might find people of common interest and commitments.

I have much to teach you, O grasshopper (or, shall I say, “Norsehopper”, which I nominate as your new screenname in honor of our alma pater )

I prefer to skip. “lou, lou, skip to my lou! Wait. where’s the lou? Down the hall and to the right? Alright, thank you! Skip to the lou, my darling.”

 

[Nuruns]

I was just wondering about this last night. It shouldn’t be any harder to find a Catholic spouse in this day and age as long as that’s what God intends for you. If it’s His will that you should be married it should just be a matter of His timing shouldn’t it?

God sees that Good Catholic Lonely Guy is in Ohio and Good Catholic Lonely Girl is in New York and all He has to do at the right time is ‘click and drag!’

 

[FiremanFrank]

If it’s His will that you should be married it should just be a matter of His timing shouldn’t it?

God sees that Good Catholic Lonely Guy is in Ohio and Good Catholic Lonely Girl is in New York and all He has to do at the right time is ‘click and drag!’

Yes and … No.

Jesus will offer us His grace so that we may be able to know His desires for us, and how to recognize them.

But we must cooperate with that grace, otherwise we don’t make proper use of it and it could be wasted and/or lost.

And additionally, we must also realise that sometimes the answer is …

NO.

 

[dulcissima]

And additionally, we must also realise that sometimes the answer is …

NO.

I know that sometimes the answer really is “no,” but how do we KNOW that is the answer? I have wondered about this.

I have heard that we are supposed to approach God like little children…and there is one thing I know about children…when they really want something, they never give up. They ask again and again, each time hopeful that the answer will be “yes.”

I know too when I was stubborn about trying to stick it out in my marriage, praying and praying that a miracle would happen, I finally did get my “no,” and it was pretty much plain as day.

I think if your answer really is “no,” God will make it pretty clear to you. Until he does that, I would continue to ask, with the confidence and persistency of a child.

 

[Kasi]

As much as some of as want to get married I guess some of the best things we can do is offer up our crosses for the good of our future spouses that is what i do and as hard as it is to wait it makes it much easier!!!