Feeling sad

[rivera01]

Hi everyone, I am posting this because I really need to get this off my chest and at the same time hope to get some advice.

My wife and I are seperated and the divorce is in process, needless to say this is causing grief in my life. We are still talking to each other and it seems that now that we are seperated we have way better communication with each other, which is good. I feel hopeless about this situation and I don’t want to fall into dispair, I have been there before and don’t want to walk down that path again.

I’ve have talked to my spiritual director and what he has told me is to put everything into God’s hands. That if my desire to be with her again is great, then to put this into His hands, pray for her and my marriage, fast, pray the rosary, offer sacrifices, and visit Him in the Blessed Sacrament daily. He told me to let God work in my wife’s life and for me not to interfere, to let her be, this is what my job is right now. I have been trying to do this, and I recognize that this is going to happen in God’s time and not mine. I recognize the fact that things may not turn out in my favor, but I feel as if things are never going to happen. The Lord knows how much I am suffering, how many tears I shed, all this hurts me alot. I pray that He may touch her heart so she can reconcile with Our Lord. I posted a prayer request a few weeks ago for her to lead a life of conversion and she went to mass the next day, but that was the only time that she has gone to church, that I know of.

I have talked to my wife and she told me that she recognizes that she needs help because of the things that have lead to the seperation and divorce. I know that she needs time to be apart from each, and I have not told her once since she has left to come back or cancel the divorce. I told her that I will give her all the time that she needs in order for her to feel better. She also told me that she doesnt want me to be thinking that things are going to get better or not, and to let things be as they are right now. I feel sad because she told me that about 2 years ago she would pray for me to change the way that I was being toward her and in my life. Now that it has happened, now that I know what the true meaning of love is, what it means to truly live a sacramental marriage, and to top it all off I have greater love for her more than ever, we are now seperated and things dont look so good. I know I should not despair but this is how I feel, I am in tears as im typing this. My wife has mentioned to me that what she wants is to do God’s will and not hers. But I think that she really needs to think about what is going on in her life right now to see what God’s will is.

 

[KathyP]

I’m so sorry for the difficulties you and your wife are having in your marriage. It sounds as if your spiritual director has given you very sound advice. Cast all your cares upon Him, because He cares for you. I will pray for healing and reconciliation for you both.

 

[Simon_X]

Praying for you and your family…

 

[ChristinaM]

I don’t think that a broken marriage is ever God’s will. I’m sorry that your wife is feeling that way. Your spiritual director gave you some great advice. Offer up your suffering for your wife. I will pray for you.

 

[monicatholic]

rivera,

as i read your post, im thinking Hosea and how God might feel when HIS perfect love is rejected. now you know something of the Father’s love-- rejection doesn’t lessen it. in fact, your suffering is a demonstration that you love her more than you ever imagined. yes, you know something of the Father’s Perfect Love.

our adult son turned his life into a veritable nightmare for 6 years. during that time he was homeless, drug addicted and missing-- I mean, all out MIA– nobody knew his whereabouts for 17 months. not friends-- not cops, not courts, not morgues. it was a living horror story.

he tauhgt us a lot about the Father’s love. we learned to love a person who didn’t want to be loved. he wanted to be free from the burdens of our love. he thought rejection of love would be freedom.

it wasn’t. he was in a miserable prison inside himself.

six years later, he’s improving. he wants to be in our company (on a limited basis.) he comes home for a visit and calls it “home.”

six years later.

I told her that I will give her all the time that she needs in order for her to feel better. She also told me that she doesnt want me to be thinking that things are going to get better or not, and to let things be as they are right now.

we told our son the same thing. we’d give him as much time as he needed to figure things out. we’d give him any resource we could, too.

his response? he said he didn’t need our permission or our time. he would take whatever time to figure things out or not figure things out. he didn’t need our permission to do or ***un-do ***anything.

he was right. he could do what he wanted whether we waited for him to return to relationship with us, or not.

in fact, what we really meant was, “we’ll always love you. we’ll always be here for you.” and what we ***really ***meant was, “our broken hearts are at your mercy. there’s nothing we can do to save ourselves from grieivng you because we love you.”

(the only single thing we could do for ourselves was this-- not fund his disintigration. we wouldn’t give him a dime to destroy himself. did he need boots? we bought them and kept the tags. did he need food? we brought him food. but no cash. )

i understand the situation is different but— there are many similarities. you are learning the Truth about sacrificial love. you’re learning the truth about having zero control over a dearly beloved one. you’ve learned how the purest, sacrificial love makes us vulnerable to the cross. you’re learning what St. Paul said when he said, “husbands are the heads of the families like Christ is the head of the church… ***he gives up his LIFE ***for her…”

rivera, we finally had to learn this prayer (spiritual writers and saints have called this disinterested prayer) ***“Heavenly Father, please, in your perfect Mercy and love, PLEASE bring about John’s conversion-- whether we are allowed to enjoy it in this life, or not.” ***

that prayer changed everything inside of us. we were no longer praying for ourselves, but for our son-- completely and purely and without any concern for our feelings.

that prayer made us free to love even more. perhaps it was the most powerful prayer we prayed.

 

[rivera01]

Thank you all who are praying for us, I really appreciate it and I will thank God for all of you, as well as pray for all of you as well.

I especially thank you monicatholic for your post. You have really hit the nail on the head in regards to sacrificial love. This is exactly what I feel, this is the true meaning of love. Its funny that instead of this seperation and time passing by weakening my love for her, I feel that it is growing more and more. I know that love is a choice, and at this point, I have not chosen to stop loving her. I want to give her all my love, wether she deserves it or not. I really didnt expect the love that I felt for her to grow even more. At this point, there are many things that cross my mind, both good and bad, but I just want to leave it in His hands. I too see the similarities between your situation and mine, albeit that your situation must be more horrifying than mine. I am glad that he has returned and that you are seeing the power of prayer at work. It is true what you have mentioned about St Paul’s words, and this is exactly what I am going thru. Sacrifical love is hard to live, but with Christ the burdon seems more bareable.

 

[SarahR]

Just have time for a quick response because I’m headed off to church in a few minutes, but I wanted to offer my prayers for you and your wife, children.

Here’s my advice. Btw, my dh and I were almost finished with our div process (had been separated for over a year) when he ended his year+ extramarital relationship and now we are working for reconciliation. I never thought that would happen. EVER.

Trust that God will work in your wife’s life no matter what she does. God’s ways are above our ways and He knows all details. Love your wife, and for now that probably means give her SPACE, prove to her time and time again that you are an honorable man…not by pestering her with emails, phone calls, discussions…not that. Be good to her but give her over to God and do not interfere. TRUST GOD. Live very honorably. Stay close to the sacraments. Let God dwell deeply in you. Be very simple around her but be steadfast in your message, that you are an honorable man, willing to sacrifice for her, preserving her dignity as a mother. Maybe you will reconcile, maybe you won’t. Either way, every single act of husbandly love you do, whether your wife ever knows about it, or spits it back in your face, is seen by your Father and will be rewarded.

Also, watch yourself for temptations…be they in the form of another woman who is “easy to talk to” and baby-stepping into an emotional attachment to a woman other than your wife, or like I did, I stopped praying for my dh’s conversion, stopped thanking God for our marriage. Now that we are reconciling, my heart is hardened and stony, and there is much work to do to soften it. Also, use every moment of anxiety to renew your trust in God. When it is the hardest is when the greatest graces are given.

God bless.

 

[whatevergirl]

***Praying for you rivera…I think you have received some awesome advice, I plan to offer up your situation at mass tonight. God bless. ***

 

[rivera01]

Thank you all, I truly feel blessed to have people who will offer sacrifices and prayers for us. I truly thank you all.

SarahR, I will pray for your marriage situation as well. I will follow the advice that you give me. I will give her the space and time that she needs. I will definately keep praying and offering sacrifices to Our Lord. I will demonstrate to her that I am an honorable man and will continue to do so. And I will definately watch out for those temptations as well. I will remain chaste, even though I am having a legal divorce, this does not mean that I am not married thru God’s eyes.