Feeling shunned

[EasterJoy]

I know what it’s like to be shunned by a family member. Not my mother, but a sibling.

One thing we must always keep in mind is that members of our families are also individuals. Sometimes the expectation of how they should act, based on them being family, just doesn’t end up happening.

In my case, a mental health issue is suspected with my sibling. The healthiest things to do for both them and myself, is to not have a relationship and leave them in God’s loving hands.

So, leave your mother in God’s hands as best you can. Yes, she is your mother, but that doesn’t automatically mean she is going to be a healthy person in your life. It can be the exact opposite.

Sometimes we romanticize the parent/child, or any other relationship when we forget that just because someone has a certain role in our lives, it doesn’t mean it’s going to be a good one.

Sometimes what the separation does is to give the victim of habitually offensive behavior a place to preserve the capacity to let go of ill will until the day a habitual offender in their life comes around to seeing the necessity for respecting healthy boundaries.

It’s like keeping a dog behind a fence until the day it has enough self-control to be let out. It prevents damage that can’t be undone simply by mending the source of the damage. Even if the damage could have been mended, why go to the expense of fixing damage you could have prevented? The person who commits the offenses is better off being denied the opportunity to offend until the day when their offenses, even if they are currently unintentional, can intentionally become far more rare and far less serious.

 

[Sarcelle]

My husband lost his mom, very suddenly, in May.
He had no regrets because he had Skyped her the day before (different country). He told her that he missed her and loved her. He told me once that he made it a point to Skype his parents daily; even when he didn’t want to.
The situation is different because he and his mom had great relationship. Regardless, he would tell you or anyone in a similar situation that there are no guarantees. None of us know how long we have. The time for forgiveness is now.

I have a dear friend who has had many ups and downs with her mother over the years. She believes that her mom has undiagnosed mental health issues that cause her to rage/lash out and distort things. They decided to work on their relationship. However, my friend showed me several nasty texts and played back mean voice mail messages from her mom left when they were on the outs. I asked my friend why she was hanging on to these messages if things were better and they were working on their relationship??? I told her that by doing so, she was impending her own forgiveness. Her response to me was that she NEEDED to keep these because her mom would lie and say, “I never said that!!!” And she needed proof in case that happened.

Keep praying for strength, acceptance, and reconciliation if it is Gods will, as you have been. You can only extend the proverbial olive branch, but you can’t force anyone to take it. (Even if it means YOU always have to be the bigger person) And likely you will. Pick up the phone first. You have the power to politely end the conversation if your mom turns it into something negative. Make it a rule not to rehash past hurts. When/if you start over, sometimes it means leaving the bad past in the past.
Jesus instucts us to forgive 70 X 7!!! (That’s the hard part) Glorify the Lord in all things!!! I have to remind my too!!
I know this is very painful for you. I will be praying for you! Peace and all good!

Thing is the bad is not only in the past, it is in the present and will likely be in the future.

There is forgiveness but it is not necessary to continue to submit to abusive behavior.

You are only enabling them if you do.

 

[Rosebud77]

I guess I do. Its just hard. Im trying to accept that I will never receive the love I have craved from her. I try to make myself feel better by explaining it away. But the hurt remains. I have found that God is the only one who can ease the pain. I guess this is just a cross in my life.

strive to forgive her as that is what YOU need to do now… you cannot control or order what she does only what YOU do.

 

[heart4home]

Once you are over 18 YOU are responsible for
your own actions and your mother has no right
to question your decisions except to GIVE ADVICE.
Just forgive her and move on, thanking God for
her and your up-bringing.

This is not as much to do with the OP but of this general idea that others may come along and read and take to heart.

Is this your thought on “children” that turn 18, but are still being completely supported by parents through college,either living at home, or having mommy and daddy paying their bills.

Who do you think these 18 years old call when they get themselves into trouble because they didn’t even want to hear advice.

I see a lot of this attitude on here. That 18 is some magic number. Parents do have the right to question decisions of 18 year olds that they are still supporting both materially and emotionally.We don’t answer to the government, we answer to God and we don’t stop parenting the day our children turn 18. God didn’t set 18 as some number where parents are no longer responsible for their children, nor did he set it as a number where children should no longer honor or obey their parents authority. The world did. Now in this case the OP is married so she is now united to him, but that has nothing to do with 18, and everything to do with God’s word.

Adulting is a lot more than the day you turn 18.

 

[heart4home]

I am feeling shunned by my family. It started when my mother started having a hard time letting me go after I got married. We had several explosive arguments which were mostly me apologizing if I had hurt her and her telling me Im worthless (more or less). Since then I moved out and started living on my own with my husband. Its been several months and I have not heard from her on my birthday, thanksgiving or anytime since. I have prayed a great deal over this. I am certain she has been gossiping to relatives about how bratty and spoiled I am despite the fact I am praying daily that we find a resolve. This is because I have noticed family giving me the cold shoulder and have realized this can only be because they have gotten wind of the strife that I am having with my mom. When I have prayed about it during communion, Jesus sends peace into my soul and I feel encouraged to continue praying. This has torn our family apart. I have spent countless nights crying over this and to be honest Im not sure I want to be in contact with my mother again. She has only ever seen my flaws and if I were to regain contact I am sure she would ridicule me and guilt trip me further. I have apologized many times and despite the hurt she has caused me, she is incapable of offering the slightest apology to me. Furthermore, she refuses to forgive me for anything that hurt her (which was unintentional to begin with). I really am at a loss of what to do. I will continue to pray though. I hope her heart softens eventually.

Unless these people have told you that your mother has talked ill of you, than you are making an awful lot of assumptions that could be founded in a bit of paranoia thinking that “nobody likes me now”

Your mother sounds like she is acting a bit childish, but you can not control the actions of your mother, nor are others’ opinions about you, any of your business.

You should live your life as you see called for by our Lord. Send a card, offer an olive branch when possible, offer your hurts up to the Lord when the olive branch is not accepted.

There are far too many people on here, that seem to think that the Lord’s command to forgive doesn’t apply to parents. They also seem to fail to realize when giving advice that there are always two sides to every story and telling somebody to cut off ties completely when they dont’ know the whole situation may leave them culpable for giving poor unbibllical advice.

Love your mother, honor her by living a good life and being there if she ever wants or need you, ready to offer the forgiveness that the Good Lord has offered you.

 

[Kateri92]

Unless these people have told you that your mother has talked ill of you, than you are making an awful lot of assumptions that could be founded in a bit of paranoia thinking that “nobody likes me now”

Your mother sounds like she is acting a bit childish, but you can not control the actions of your mother, nor are others’ opinions about you, any of your business.

You should live your life as you see called for by our Lord. Send a card, offer an olive branch when possible, offer your hurts up to the Lord when the olive branch is not accepted.

There are far too many people on here, that seem to think that the Lord’s command to forgive doesn’t apply to parents. They also seem to fail to realize when giving advice that there are always two sides to every story and telling somebody to cut off ties completely when they dont’ know the whole situation may leave them culpable for giving poor unbibllical advice.

Love your mother, honor her by living a good life and being there if she ever wants or need you, ready to offer the forgiveness that the Good Lord has offered you.

I never said I didn’t love her or forgive her. Are you a mother? Do you not think I am telling the whole truth?

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

There are far too many people on here, that seem to think that the Lord’s command to forgive doesn’t apply to parents. .

And you obviously think that parents are above God’s law, and that children must put up with everything and are obliged to seek contact even when they are continuously rejected and hurt.

 

[AClaire11]

Forgiveness doesn’t mean lying down on the train tracks to be repeatedly run over. You can forgive someone without maintaining a close relationship.

 

[Kateri92]

Is there a way to delete this thread? I looked in the help tab but I don’t see the tools needed to do it.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

You must ask the moderators to do it, but they probably won’t, unless there is reason to believe that it could cause scandal or harm in another way.

If you don’t manage to delete it, the good news is that this forum has many new threads and the old ones just dissappear onto pages 2,3…and never to be seen again u less you dig it out.

Sorry this has caused you trouble. Hope things work out.