Feeling Stuck

[cominghomeagain]

Long story, but here’s the abridged version.

After 21 years of very rocky, counseling-filled marriage (and three beautiful daughters aged 13, 7 and 4) my wife and I are holding on by the thinnest of threads. Oil and water; I’m catholic and have finally recently come back to the church; she was baptized Catholic but from the next day on has lived as an atheist (she claims agnosticism, I disagree with her definition). Anyway…

We were married in a Unitarian church, but we had already done the Justice of the Peace legal thing to get her on my benefits early.

I don’t see our marriage lasting past the next 12 months. May be wrong. But don’t think so.

Local priest told me the marriage was invalid, but I don’t think I told him she was actually baptized Catholic - does that matter if she didn’t do anything else in the Church from that day forward?

If we get divorced, what do I have to do to make the situation right with God and the Church?

And why can’t I go to confession right now? I understand that I cannot take part in Communion, but not being able to go to confession is bugging the **** out of me.

My next move is the bring my faith center stage in our marriage (she makes me hide my church attendance from the kids because she doesn’t want them attending with me). I’m not going to beat her over the head with it, but I’m not hiding it anymore either. When this starts to slowly happen, she has three roads: live with who I am, join me, or fight me. I think she’s going to choose road three. But keeping my faith from my kids is not an option anymore.

 

[1ke]

I don’t see our marriage lasting past the next 12 months. May be wrong. But don’t think so.

I am very sorry to hear this. I hope for your children’s sake you can work out your marriage.

Local priest told me the marriage was invalid, but I don’t think I told him she was actually baptized Catholic - does that matter if she didn’t do anything else in the Church from that day forward?

Yes, your priest is correct. You, as a Catholic, were required to marry in the Catholic form. Your wife being baptized Catholic means the same applied to her.

If we get divorced, what do I have to do to make the situation right with God and the Church?

Go to confession.

And why can’t I go to confession right now? I understand that I cannot take part in Communion, but not being able to go to confession is bugging the **** out of me.

One cannot receive absolution when one continues in the sinful situation-- for example, the invalid marriage with sexual relations. If you were to refrain from relations, that might change the situation.

My next move is the bring my faith center stage in our marriage (she makes me hide my church attendance from the kids because she doesn’t want them attending with me). I’m not going to beat her over the head with it, but I’m not hiding it anymore either. When this starts to slowly happen, she has three roads: live with who I am, join me, or fight me. I think she’s going to choose road three. But keeping my faith from my kids is not an option anymore.

I’m very sorry that this is happening.

I wish there was a road that would allow you to practice your faith and remain married-- validly married through convalidation or radical sanation.

Have you tried Retrouvaille? It is a program that has helped many troubled marriages. Perhaps your differences are too big, but I sure hope you can work through them.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t know why you wouldn’t be able to go to confession. I’m pretty sure you can. Did the priest say you couldn’t go, or that he couldn’t absolve you? If he did, I would ask him for specifics of what you need to do in order to be absolved. I will pray for you and your wife.

 

[Wiseowl]

Important.

I have been in your exact circumstance.

You cannot go to confession, nor communion (you are in perpetual mortal sin) until your marriage situation is resolved.
So don’t do that or you will be embarrassed unnecessarily in confession.

Talk to a Priest about what it will take to get marriage and lifestyle in good graces to move forward with catholicism. Special plans should be available to avoid divorce to enjoy sacrements again. Get a couple opinions from Priests if one Priest seems unreasonable.

 

[cominghomeagain]

Made an innocent comment about finding time for me to go to church tomorrow. Daughter was in the adjacent room. Led to a discussion about me not having to lie to the kids about where I was going on Sundays. Ended with her saying she couldn’t live with me if I was going to be openly Catholic.

I’ve chosen conflict avoidance over Catholicism for years now. Hasn’t worked. Time for me to stand my ground and give this to God.

As for the kids. I will make that work whatever happens. Luckily there isn’t any nastiness in the way of infidelity, etc

I appreciate all the info and advice.

 

[1ke]

I am sorry this is happening to you. But it is better now than later if that is how she is going to be.

Also, get a good attorney who will stand up for your rights as a father and your right to expose your child to your religion.