Feeling taken advantage of

[needingguidance]

Hello-

I’m not sure that this is the place to ask this, but I will try and hopefully y’all can direct me to the right place if I’m wrong…

I am not a Catholic, but an Episcopalian… I do however admire many Catholic teachings and would very much appreciate your opinions.

I am often described as a very “nice” person, which is generally a good thing, in my opinion. However, because of this I often feel that I’m taken advantage of in certain situations… I want to know what would be the right thing to do, from a moral standpoint, to stop this.

Case in point… I have a neighbor who is an acquaintance of mine. This neighbor (“Sally”) has some difficulty dealing with our peers (we’re the same age) because she uses people, i.e. wanting to meet to do homework together just to copy answers. I think she is genuinely bewildered about why people react poorly to these situations and when she is called out on her motives. In an effort to help her make some friends without any ulterior motives, I invited her to a dinner party that I was going to with a bunch of my friends. She arrived two hours late and stayed twenty minutes! I was mortified and I felt foolish for putting out an olive branch. Fast forward a few weeks… I haven’t seen Sally socially again, although I see her occasionally around the apartment complex. However, she calls me every few days, pretends to ask me how I’m doing, and then asks me to walk her dog.

I don’t mind walking the dog as a favor once in a while, but I don’t like feeling foolish because I can tell that Sally has no actual interest in being friends but just needs me around to walk her dog.

I don’t like this feeling, but I don’t want to just write people off in the name of “protecting myself” as I see so much in our world.

What should I do? I’m trying to look at this from the standpoint of “what would Jesus have done?” I fall pretty short of that, though…

Thanks for your help…

 

[Coreopisis]

Hello-

I’m not sure that this is the place to ask this, but I will try and hopefully y’all can direct me to the right place if I’m wrong…

I am not a Catholic, but an Episcopalian… I do however admire many Catholic teachings and would very much appreciate your opinions.

I am often described as a very “nice” person, which is generally a good thing, in my opinion. However, because of this I often feel that I’m taken advantage of in certain situations… I want to know what would be the right thing to do, from a moral standpoint, to stop this.

Case in point… I have a neighbor who is an acquaintance of mine. This neighbor (“Sally”) has some difficulty dealing with our peers (we’re the same age) because she uses people, i.e. wanting to meet to do homework together just to copy answers. I think she is genuinely bewildered about why people react poorly to these situations and when she is called out on her motives. In an effort to help her make some friends without any ulterior motives, I invited her to a dinner party that I was going to with a bunch of my friends. She arrived two hours late and stayed twenty minutes! I was mortified and I felt foolish for putting out an olive branch. Fast forward a few weeks… I haven’t seen Sally socially again, although I see her occasionally around the apartment complex. However, she calls me every few days, pretends to ask me how I’m doing, and then asks me to walk her dog.

I don’t mind walking the dog as a favor once in a while, but I don’t like feeling foolish because I can tell that Sally has no actual interest in being friends but just needs me around to walk her dog.

I don’t like this feeling, but I don’t want to just write people off in the name of “protecting myself” as I see so much in our world.

What should I do? I’m trying to look at this from the standpoint of “what would Jesus have done?” I fall pretty short of that, though…

Thanks for your help…

This is a tough one. I am not sure what Jesus would do but I always imagine him loving and completely truthful. With that being said maybe Jesus would actually just tell her the next time she called?

Maybe you could tell her that you are not interested in walking her dog anymore because you feel uncomfortable with her. You could tell her that you were hoping to make a friend and that isn’t what happened.

~Sarah

 

[byers]

This is a problem when you are raised to be a nice person and you run into those who wish to take advantage of your kindness.

Unless the woman is in true dire need of help with her dog…you are not required to do so because she wants you to. You are being used.

You have to learn to say No. If you don’t you will find yourself becoming resentful and angry which can put you in a ‘near occasion of sin’.

It’s not a matter of “what would Jesus do” as the evangelicals say, It’s a matter of what Jesus wants you to do in your situation. Tell her you’re too busy or get caller ID and don’t answer your phone. You are ‘treating her with kindness’, ie loving her, when you don’t let her get away with taking advantage of you or others. Perhaps it is something she needs to learn.

Remember love others, as you love yourself. Love yourself.

 

[Catholicracer]

Hello-

I am often described as a very “nice” person, which is generally a good thing, in my opinion. However, because of this I often feel that I’m taken advantage of in certain situations… I want to know what would be the right thing to do, from a moral standpoint, to stop this.
needingguidance;3062781:

Hello-

**I know how you feel. I am told Iam a nice person. And it does feel like some people ignore me unless they need something. **

Hello-
Case in point… I have a neighbor who is an acquaintance of mine. This neighbor (“Sally”) has some difficulty dealing with our peers (we’re the same age) because she uses people, i.e. wanting to meet to do homework together just to copy answers. I think she is genuinely bewildered about why people react poorly to these situations and when she is called out on her motives. In an effort to help her make some friends without any ulterior motives, I invited her to a dinner party that I was going to with a bunch of my friends. She arrived two hours late and stayed twenty minutes! I was mortified and I felt foolish for putting out an olive branch. Fast forward a few weeks… I haven’t seen Sally socially again, although I see her occasionally around the apartment complex. However, she calls me every few days, pretends to ask me how I’m doing, and then asks me to walk her dog.
needingguidance;3062781:

Hello-

The best thing I can say is act like your busy. When she calls dont answer. Now with the dog walking thing you can turn it around on her by saying that you will be glad to walk the dog…for a small fee Most likely when she knows that you will charge her to walk the dog she will ethier stop asking or you will be makeing alittle money.

 

[bpbasilphx]

You could always say, “No.” You’d be surprised how much trouble a few well-placed “Nos” save you.

 

[BarbaraTherese]

I don’t like this feeling, but I don’t want to just write people off in the name of “protecting myself” as I see so much in our world.

People for all sorts of reasons need to handle the same situation differently. One person will really stress out over it…while another takes it with more equanimity. We certainly do have a right to protect ourselves if we are for example stressing out and for no reason other than that for some reason, the situation is stressing us out. P(name removed by moderator)ointing actual motivation is not always easy to get at and it can be quite elusive. It can be a very humbling experience indeed to know how others are handling the situation and perhaps with a great deal of equanimity…while I may need to get out of the situation due to a stress factor I find extreme for me.
I dont think you need to tell a lie to Sally in any way…next time she rings and asks you to walk her dog, simply tell her that you are unable to do so. We do not need to offer an explanation to everyone. It may well be that after a couple of times of saying you cannot walk her dog, she asks you why you no longer want to walk her dog and make the issue a little more confronting. Were it me, I would simply say “I really am sorry, Sally, but I can’t walk your dog in future”. And if she does press the issue asking why, then you may need to be honest with her.
The other alternative is to ring her and say you need to have a talk with her…and open up to her about it all and be quite honestly open with her. Let the situation unfold as it may. We really cannot take responsibility for others…while we do have an obligation not to desire to hurt them in anyway and to treat their feelings with care and respect, without being untruthful. Sometimes, depending on the situation and person(s) involved, we may feel we need to be firm and very honest with them and that they need to hear the truth. We can be right or wrong in this assessment. Sometimes after considering and praying about a situation, honesty and openness seems the best way to travel.

What should I do? I’m trying to look at this from the standpoint of “what would Jesus have done?” I fall pretty short of that, though…

Certainly Jesus does not seem at all like the type of person that would allow himself to be used. I think we can all be sure, me up front first, that I fall far short of what Jesus would have thought and done…I am a mere creature and entirely fallible and can only do what seems to me to be the best in a situation and as a Christian.
The command “love others as you love yourself” has an inbuilt command to love and respect my own selfhood as weak and fallible as it is - and perhaps far weaker and more fallible than others … and to compare myself with others is a mistake. And to try always to live up to what others expect of us/think about us, is a bigger mistake I think. We are all weak and fallible, some moreso than others…fact.

I really hope you will be able to resolve this situation happily and will pray so - I truly admire your desire to handle this situation in a truly Christian and loving way and do give a bit of space (a day or two) for praying about it before acting in any way. I am hoping other posters, more insightful, may be more helpful to you and asking advice is a really good move. Prayer before deciding, I think, is the next good move…Barb

 

[MSParrott]

Welcome needingguidance!

Welcome to CAF - there are wonderful people here and I’m sure you’ll learn alot.

Maybe try having a heart to heart talk with this person and let them know how you are feeling. This may open a door and perhaps give you a better understanding as to why this person is doing this.

 

[CollegeKid]

This is a tough one. I am not sure what Jesus would do but I always imagine him loving and completely truthful. With that being said maybe Jesus would actually just tell her the next time she called?

Maybe you could tell her that you are not interested in walking her dog anymore because you feel uncomfortable with her. You could tell her that you were hoping to make a friend and that isn’t what happened.

~Sarah

Everyone has made some valuable contributions but this is the best advice so far. If I were you, I’d honestly ask her, “Look, are you just pretending to be my friend so you have someone to walk your dog? Because if so, I really don’t appreciate being used like that.”

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Everyone has made some valuable contributions but this is the best advice so far. If I were you, I’d honestly ask her, “Look, are you just pretending to be my friend so you have someone to walk your dog? Because if so, I really don’t appreciate being used like that.”

Hi CK…I totally agree with you about Sarah’s advice and with your comments above.

 

[csr]

Don’t forget to become Catholic soon. There is no reason to be on the outside!!

Consider that the people you know occur on various concentric circles which represent their proximity, importance, intimacy with us. Someone who is posing as an intimate whilst in truth only seeking a service should be gradually relocated to a circle further away. The way to achieve this is to redouble your concentration on who you actually are. When your priorities are more fully understood and interiorized, you will respond more properly to inappropriate demands on your time or resources. Don’t think of it so much as thwarting other people but rather as focusing on what you must do to maximize the “talents” that God has given you. Which brings me back to my first point. The Catholic teachings aren’t just admirable. They are true. Study them!

 

[Viki59]

Some excellent comments on this thread.
My take: people should walk their own dogs, unless they are temporarily incapacitated or ill, or paying you to do it while they’re out of town. I’d never dream of asking someone else to walk my dog!
If she can’t care for her dog, maybe she should find him another home.

 

[Coreopisis]

I was just thinking…

It is interesting to me that of all the people who are “to nice” that I know, aren’t actually nice at all if you think about it. How is it nice to not tell or even indicate to those around you that you don’t like what they are doing? How is it being nice to yourself? How is it being nice to them?

Just something to think about.