Feeling tested to my limits

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mdleagedguy

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Hi!

I’d like for anyone to chime in if they want. I need any useful comment. At this point, I’m feeling that I’m part of a destructive stress test. About a year ago, my wife and I had a miscarriage right before I was starting graduate school, as I work a full time job. Then my wife had a medication reaction that nearly killed her. She was incapacitated for a month, and it took about six months for her to get back up to speed. My employer had no pity or concern, and I even had to take up slack for other people who were allowed to take FMLA leave while this was happening. I managed. I did my work, theirs, kept up on school work, and did well, while doing all of the housework and other stuff associated with a family with eight kids. Also, at this time, an issue came up and I was asked to address stuff by our local Right to Life Chapter with Planned Parenthood coming into our schools. I did so in the middle of all of this. After my wife recovered, this all came to a head with local media publishing our personal information for all to see, released by the school district administration in retaliation for me filing complaint about Planned Parenthood in our schools. I tried twice to take a vacation, and all of this stuff kept erupting in the middle of it.

It has continued. All of the sudden, I’m supposed to be the “leader” for this effort to get Planned Parenthood out of our schools. Everyone’s eyes are on me for this. Our parish priest, local Right to Life Chapter, school district, and a couple of national organizations that advocate for life are expecting me to do all of this stuff, and so I’ve been doing it in the middle of a heavy school and work load. I really need to find another job. My employer has really disappointed me, and work just keeps piling up because of management incompetence, but they tend to blame the people below them. Management’s attitude towards me has become very negative since the stories in the news came out about the complaint with the school district. I had an interaction with my boss’s boss that made me want to quit on the spot, and my motivation as an employee has hit an extreme low.

So how should I prioritize things? Should I continue with the school district thing to the detriment of my job, school, and family? Should I drop the school district thing and focus on my family? I’m afraid of looking for another job right now because if an employer does a Google search for me, they’ll come up with all of this stuff from the fight against Planned Parenthood in the school district. I attempted to keep everything low key, but the district made it public, contacted the media, and it all got publicized with the Planned Parenthood spin on it.

Does anyone have any suggestions, with reasons and analysis, for how I should proceed? Thanks in advance!
 
Hi,
just because other people want you to do something, even your priest, doesn’t mean you have to. You have a large family of eight children, study, work, you can’t afford to have a stress breakdown.
The Jew wanted Jesus to be the kind of Savior that drove the Roman occupation out of the holy land. The disciples, eg Peter, objected to His real mission of sacrifice for humankind’s sins.

Matthew 16
21 From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.

22 Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!”

23 Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; "

If you have to tell them someone else must do it, for the sake of your own sanity and your own responsibilities then hopefully you will have the courage to do that.

If God does mean you to do the task may He give you the graces and assistance.
You have been through some really heavy times and have heavy responsibilities and your wife and children need a husband and father who can cope, not become impossible to live with because he’s having a stess breakdown. I’ve seen what can happen with mid-life breakdown.

I hope you can handle all this either way you should, and that the right person steps up, if it’s not you.

Amazing how often it occurs that though you thought you were indespensible and others also think so, but if you crash, others take over.
 
I agree with the entry about you cannot afford a stress breakdown. I would only add that you yourself have to deciede what is right for you and pray for direction in the matter.
 
I feel I’m being tested like this too…

Try not to take on too much. It’s lucky you’re starting to feel this way because it’s a sign to look after yourself. Put God first then you, then family. Without you first you can’t help others so all lose if you’re not looking after you.
 
Definitely drop the school district thing. I am very sure there are other people in your parish or movement that can deal with the school district. On the other hand, there is nobody else who can be a husband to your wife, father to your children or do your job or homework. You will not be letting anybody down by dropping the school disrict thing - this issue is not exclusively your responsibility, and other people need to step up. If you continue this way, however, you will be letting down your family. One of the most important skills is to learn how to say “no” sometimes.
 
Try to thank God for the blessings you have. You have a big, beautiful family and your wife is on the road to recovery. It is almost as if you wrote this ftom my husband’s perspective! Last year I ended up hospitalized three times, and as soon as I started recovering I found out I was expecting only to miscarry at 10 weeks. It was devastating. It was our eighth miscarriage. They don’t get easier to deal with. My heart aches for you because it is a pain I understand. If you haven’t done so already, name your little one. It doesn’t matter if you know the sex of the baby, we never knew with any of ours. I don’t know why, but it does help. We speak to our babies in heaven and so do our other kids. And know that you and your family are not alone. I will be praying.
 
Taking care of your family is most important, followed by having a job to provide for your family. You have a monetary commitment to grad school, so you must keep it.

Being the go-to guy for these culture war things can’t be easy, and is not required of you.
 
Sometimes before we know it we get ourselves in over our heads because we don’t know how to say no. With all of the various hats you have been wearing I would guess that your stress levels compound your feelings about a lot of things including your job. In this economy with 8 children, a wife and graduate school you have been blessed with a job. Try imagining your life without it and then you maybe able to figure out what to do next. I would be the best husband, the best father, the best employee and the best student I could possibly be before I took on anything else. I would thank God for getting me through everything up until now and pray constantly for Him to lead me forward. God bless you.
 
bstorm said:
Definitely drop the school district thing. I am very sure there are other people in your parish or movement that can deal with the school district. On the other hand, there is nobody else who can be a husband to your wife, father to your children or do your job or homework. You will not be letting anybody down by dropping the school disrict thing - this issue is not exclusively your responsibility, and other people need to step up. If you continue this way, however, you will be letting down your family. One of the most important skills is to learn how to say “no” sometimes.
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This. You have to take care of yourself and your family first. Sometimes others will turn over responsibilities to someone who looks like a leader, when everyone should step up and help. If the issue isn’t important enough for others to feel motivated to get involved, then it’s just not going to happen right now.

“No” is a complete sentence. But you can always say, “I simply cannot help at this point in time.”
 
Thanks for all of the responses. In fact, they are all what I’ve been leaning towards. But quite frankly, I’m in so deep I don’t know how to extricate myself. For example, I ended up in a TV interview with a local talk show host tonight about the situation in our schools. I had a unique set of skills acquired through work/education, etc. that served the cause well. I find myself short of the time resources to do the kind of job that I want to do on this pro-life effort. And if I don’t do it, I fear for my soul. I am a natural leader, and this is the sort of situation I have found myself in all my adult life, at work and when I was in the military. What I would like to do, and what I find myself compelled to do are two different things. If I don’t do the pro-life work, I’m not certain anyone else will step up. Yet, with my current involvement I still see a slim chance of success without God’s intervention. But I’ve seen Him intervene frequently in this.

Regarding my employer, I want to get out because they are doing things that are unethical. I won’t do anything unethical, and that has hurt my career.

How about this: I give the pro-life effort a deadline when I will depart, a generous deadline for someone to step up to the task. I will continue to keep up the website for our efforts, which I paid for and is registered in my name. A lot of people have offered support, and I feel I would let them down. I don’t feel okay with throwing away other people’s work if no one else steps up. That’s the thing. All of it seems like God’s work. I’ve seen so many miracles with all of it, occupation, family, and pro-life work. Yet I need a better income to take care of my family long term. I could sacrifice school, possibly. I have a 4.0. I have another year and a half to go. But I tend to go for complete understanding. I don’t think I would have all the skills for the future if I slack on that. Mentally, I just can’t do the work that gets a B. Getting a C is a huge failure for me. It just doesn’t work for me. Same with the pro-life work, and family stuff. That kind of effort gets absolutely no recognition on the job, though. We have middle management that is bent on destroying morale and results. I can’t see our company surviving long enough for me to retire with current management practices. I’ve seen corporate failure before, and this is what it looks like. I have a job now, and for that I am currently grateful, but in fifteen years we will have a horrible picture if current trends continue.

Heck. So much to consider.
 
You are a perfectionist. That is not meant to be an insult, my husband is a perfectionist as well. I see how difficult it is for him to make a mistake, he feels it disappoints either me or the children. I have never felt disappointed in him, how could I? Everything he has ever done has been for our family. I can guarantee that your wife feels the absolute same way about you. Please try to take a break. You will do yourself serious harm if you don’t. That would devastate your family.

How long were you in the military? Do you receive any retirement or Tricare benefits? Are you able to use you time in service as a benefit towards a better job or possibly a government job? It sounds to me as if the most stressful thing for you is your current job situation. Do you have the option of taking a leave of absence or living off of savings for a while? What about passing your resume around?

I’ll be honest, my husband is still in the military and he would love to get out. We don’t have that option right now, and I realize that may very well be the situation for your family with this job. The current economic situation makes this a very tough time. Especially for those of us with more than two children.

What is your wife’s opinion or have you talked to her about all of your stress? Usually I need to make my husband talk to me. I know that he is getting worn out by how he acts/carries himself, but he thinks that he needs to deal with it on his own without “burdening” me with his troubles. However, it isn’t a burden. I’m sure your wife understands more about the unique details of your particular situation than I do. How likely is it that you could get another job right now without finishing graduate school? For some people it would be impossible, for others it is doable. If you finished this semester (it’s almost Christmas!), could you take a break from classes for a semester or two? I’ve never been to graduate school so I’m not sure if that is possible, sorry. And as for the Planned Parenthood stuff, a deadline does need to be set. Regardless of whether or not you plan to stick it out or hand it off it has to end somewhere. Try to remember that you are already living your life as a shining light to the world. God wants nothing more than that of you. As honorable as it is that you want to always do more, God would not want you to do yourself harm. And stress is harmful, to you and your family.
 
Think about this: Whenever you say “yes,” that means that someone else can’t say “yes” because you got there first and are keeping them away.

There is someone else out there who can and should be doing the school district work. Say “No,” and then that person(s) will be able to step up and do the work that they are called to do.

You know, in your heart of hearts, that you must take care of your family and yourself first, and that you have a responsibility to your employer to do your work well.

If your family ends up falling apart, or you are fired from your job, then all your work with the school district will become a joke, as the media will tear you to shreds. Make it public if you wish–I think that would be extremely touching. Call a press conference and make the announcement that you will no longer do any work with the school district because you want to give your family and your company the time that they need from you. I think that announcement might win even more public admiration and respect for you than if you were to continue working like a slave on a treadmill.

And someone else will step up. You’ll see. Sometimes we convince ourselves that we are the ONLY ones qualified to do a certain task, and we don’t want to admit that others could do it, too. But there’s someone out there, and they will eventually step up.
 
Actually, Cat, I’ve been trying to get someone else to take leadership of the school thing, with no takers. I’ve made it clear several times that I may not be able to continue my involvement. I’ve made it clear that someone with more time to devote to it would be able to do a better job. Still no takers. Don’t worry, my family won’t fall apart but it’s not fun for them.

7armyrugrats, I’ve been out of the military for years, and there are no benefits available. I work for a quasi-governmental entity. Veterans preference is supposed to apply, but I don’t think they actually apply it. Yes, I am a perfectionist. I feel uncomfortable until I get things how I think they should be. It drives my wife nuts, but she loves me anyway. She knows I’m under stress, and she’s been picking up some of the stuff at home that I typically do like the shopping and banking. I could get another job without finishing grad school. Grad school is to assist in moving up, rather than moving laterally. Perhaps change industry as well.

I get a three week break after this class. The way this program is run, I’ve been at it since last January without a break. This will be the only break I get this year. I’m very much looking forward to it, although I’ll still have to do my regular job. A break from grad school would disrupt my financial aid. Plus, at my age, I want to get it done as quickly as possible. With eight kids we haven’t been able to save for retirement, and so I’m going to have to boost my earning capacity and make up for lost time. I’ll be 59 by the time the last one turns 18.
 
mdleagedguy said:
Actually, Cat, I’ve been trying to get someone else to take leadership of the school thing, with no takers. I’ve made it clear several times that I may not be able to continue my involvement. I’ve made it clear that someone with more time to devote to it would be able to do a better job. Still no takers. Don’t worry, my family won’t fall apart but it’s not fun for them.
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But you haven’t actually quit yet.

The person who will do the work won’t step forward until you step away.

You admit that you have “made it clear several times that you may not be able to continue your involvement.” Sir, at this point, no one is taking you seriously because you’ve “made it clear several times.” They know you don’t mean it.

This is same mistake many parents make when they tell a child over and over, “If you don’t stop doing that, you’'ll be in trouble!” And the child keeps doing it, and nothing happens, so the child knows that the parent isn’t serious.

Just do it. Don’t talk, act.

And if someone doesn’t step forward–that’s God’s problem, not yours. You aren’t God. Tell God about it and ask Him to take care of it. You simply can’t sacrifice your family and the job that helps you to care for your family.
 
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