Feeling Unhappy.

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Nelka

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A little while ago I had a dilemma, my brother was having the baptism for his baby on the same day as my wife’s close cousin was having first Holy Communion of her daughter in a different country on the same day.

I came on here and had some good replies, afterwards my wife decided it was too expensive to fly to the first Holy Communion so I thought that we would all be going to the baptism.

Unfortunately last year my wife and my sister had a stupid argument on the internet and my wife is refusing to go because my sister will be there and she doesn’t want to see her. She said I could take the children if I wanted although they will probably protest that mummy is staying and I will end up going alone which I do not want.

Our children will be three in a few weeks and earlier my mum text me that her and my sister would like to visit with my sister’s daughters on their birthday. When I told my wife she said she said if my sister comes then she will leave and our children won’t have their mother on their birthday.

Why can my wife not see that the only person that is getting hurt here is me? Does my sister care about something she doesn’t know about? Of course not but I feel trapped in all this.

The amount of times I have spent weeks in a small house with her family on holiday, really not enjoying it, maybe even some of her family members annoying me but I stay nice for her as they are her family and I don’t want to upset her or cause problems.

I am sick of being the person that is always trying to make other people happy and keeping the peace and yet I am constantly stressed out.

The argument, if you can call it that was pathetic. No major insults or anything.

There is no talking to my wife, she has made her mind up and that is it. If I were to try and compromise I would only make it worse. I can easily talk my mum and sister out of visiting on our children’s birthday as I would like it to be a simple affair and I am working the following day but the baptism will force me to choose between wife and the rest. I am married to my wife, not my siblings but it will happen again and again in the future.

She says she loves me, I have bitten my tongue so many times, why can’t she do it once?

Thanks.

Sorry for long post.

😦
 
You can’t change other people. You can only change your reaction to them.

“I am sorry you feel that way. We’ll miss you at the celebration. You are always welcome if you change your mind.” And then go and enjoy your family event.

If she leaves because you invite people to your own home, your family, well so be it. If there were a valid reason for not having your sister around-- violent temper, history of abuse of your wife or disrespecting her in your home, or something else nefarious, then that would be different.
 
I have a relative whose husband refuses to participate in our extended family gatherings. For whatever reason, he doesn’t come. We have all learned to just accept that he doesn’t attend.

As long as your wife is ok with you visiting and taking the children, I’m not sure there is anything else to do. If she tried to block you from seeing your family or from taking the kids, then I think that would be something to address.

But if she is ok with everyone going but her, I’d suggest just accepting the situation and not trying to coerce her to go.
 
Why don’t you tell her that (that you’ve tolerated her relatives for your sake and that you’d like the same and that she is hurting you, not your sister)? And figure out some way to minimize together time between your wife and sister (maybe hold the event away from home?).

If there’s no progress, ask for an appointment with your pastor to to talk it out with your wife with him.
 
Nelka said:
A little while ago I had a dilemma, my brother was having the baptism for his baby on the same day as my wife’s close cousin was having first Holy Communion of her daughter in a different country on the same day.

I came on here and had some good replies, afterwards my wife decided it was too expensive to fly to the first Holy Communion so I thought that we would all be going to the baptism.

Unfortunately last year my wife and my sister had a stupid argument on the internet and my wife is refusing to go because my sister will be there and she doesn’t want to see her. She said I could take the children if I wanted although they will probably protest that mummy is staying and I will end up going alone which I do not want.

Our children will be three in a few weeks and earlier my mum text me that her and my sister would like to visit with my sister’s daughters on their birthday. When I told my wife she said she said if my sister comes then she will leave and our children won’t have their mother on their birthday.

Why can my wife not see that the only person that is getting hurt here is me? Does my sister care about something she doesn’t know about? Of course not but I feel trapped in all this.

The amount of times I have spent weeks in a small house with her family on holiday, really not enjoying it, maybe even some of her family members annoying me but I stay nice for her as they are her family and I don’t want to upset her or cause problems.

I am sick of being the person that is always trying to make other people happy and keeping the peace and yet I am constantly stressed out.

The argument, if you can call it that was pathetic. No major insults or anything.

There is no talking to my wife, she has made her mind up and that is it. If I were to try and compromise I would only make it worse. I can easily talk my mum and sister out of visiting on our children’s birthday as I would like it to be a simple affair and I am working the following day but the baptism will force me to choose between wife and the rest. I am married to my wife, not my siblings but it will happen again and again in the future.

She says she loves me, I have bitten my tongue so many times, why can’t she do it once?

Thanks.

Sorry for long post.

😦
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Would you ever consider marital counseling?

Now, I suspect people on the forum will think that would only be for people who are ready to divorce, but not so. Well yes, it is for them, but it is also for any couple who sincerely wants to improve a relationship.

I once knew a couple who were having communication problems. They got along fine, and they decided to try to see a counselor to improve their relationship. It worked.

So, just thought I’d run it by you as another alternative. If both parties love each other, are interested in the relationship, counseling could help.

Also, there are certain retreats, Marriage Encounter, which could possibly help create an awareness that could potentially help your relationship.

There is also Retrovaille.
 
I think counseling is an alternative that many couples resist until it’s practically too late. Counseling is best when it’s attempted early, while problems are small and more workable.

Just a thought, but your call.
 
Cricket2 said:
Go to the baptism and tell your wife to grow up.
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Baptism, fine, but telling her to grow up probably wouldn’t have a positive effect.

I don’t know how many spouses upon hearing, “Grow up!”, respond, “You know, you’re right. I think I have been acting immaturely. Thanks for telling me this”. 😉

Wasn’t it St. Vincent de Paul who said better a little honey than a barrel of vinegar?
 
When I was young and newly married (about 5 years) I quite often disrespected my husband in the same sort of ways your wife is disrespecting you. It was my way or no way at all. My husband finally told me that he loved me and he believed that I loved him, but that he was no longer going to put up with me ruining my chances at happiness. Well, I got mad of course and told him he was full of boloney, but he calmly started listing all the times I refused to go somewhere because I didn’t like a person, all the times I held grudges over silly things, all the times I pouted because he wanted something different than I wanted, etc. it was his way if telling me to grow up, but in a mature fashion that didn’t require him sinking to my level. It worked, too. I no longer disrespect him, and actually I don’t think it is possible to respect him more. I will pray for your family
 
How do you know it will happen again and again in the future? It seems as though your wife and your sister had a recent fight and so there might be some time required before it settles down. i think give them a period of space, and hold out the possibility of getting together (ie your wife and your sister) again in the future. Maybe the fight occurred because they are spending too much time together/in close proximity and need space - what do they say? familiarity breeds contempt?

Remember that your wife married you, not your birth family, and the same goes for you. you have to respect that your spouse may not want to spend as much time with your birth family as you do, and you also need to remember that your spouse must be your priority now over your birth family. sorry, but in marriage, there are priorities, as you must leave your birth family and ‘cling to your wife’ forsaking all others.

of course you don’t have to forsake your birth family literally, but your wife’s feelings, and yours regarding her birth family, should take precedence.

I would suggest doing as your wife suggested = going to the baptism and taking your children and allowing your wife to stay home. These family occasions are not command performances, attendances are they…
 
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