Feeling unwelcome with my child in a new parish

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In December of 2016 we moved to a new town and began attending the local parish. Our daughter was 18 months at the time. I have always taken her to mass with me. We take a small bag with some quiet toys or books and if she gets too loud we go into the Hall until she settles. I have had many many angry faces from other parishioners if my child dared to make the slightest sound. Unfortunately I’ve had a few comments as well. I always tried to brush them off and continue on. We had been stuck at home for three Sundays due to illness and I was so happy to finally get back to mass. We took our usual place in the unused balcony (we sit there because there is rarely room in the pews and I am trying to be accommodating to the other parishioners who don’t seem to care for my child) my daughter, who is almost 2.5 now, sat on the floor with me and strung beads and then walked her small plastic dolls to sit on a stool. A parishioner came up to the balcony and said that the priest had sent her because he said there was an unattended child on the balcony steps! I was incredibly taken back, I don’t allow my daughter to get near the steps without me and as I was standing during the appropriate parts of Mass and obviously much taller than her I don’t understand how she was seen and I wasn’t. Near the end of service we left the balcony and we’re standing at the back of the sanctuary. A child (the only other one there) in the front made a few noises of discontent and a man sitting in the back who obviously didn’t see us looked up to the balcony with an exasperated face. It made me wonder how much of others noises where being blamed on my child and furthering the feeling the parish seems to have toward us. Honestly I’m blown away by the whole thing since day one. Everywhere else we go I’m told how well behaved my daughter is. Of course she doesn’t sit perfectly still and quiet and of course there are days that we spend the majority of the time out in the hall because she’s just not able to be calm and still. But she’s not yet 2.5 and I feel that it’s completely expected at this age. At this point I’m ready to travel the 40 minutes back to my old parish where our daughter was always so welcomed and where her Godparents still attend. I know I should be loyal to my local parish but I just don’t know what to do at this point.
 
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Maybe bring it up to the Pastor and perhaps he will say something in the announcements…let me share a similar (but more horrifying story)…

We have a family who attends the 10am “Family” Mass with their severely handicapped daughter (maybe in her late teens or early 20s)…on occasion she makes disconcerting vocal sounds that she obviously cannot control…a couple of parishioners made a fuss to the parish secretary, demanding something be done about ensuring the child was not at mass as not to disturb the reverence of the liturgy.

When the pastor caught wind of it, he condemned such actions very clearly, at Mass, letting people know who disappointing it was, and how unchristian it was to harbor such feelings…the family still attends, and not another word (excepts words of love an encouragement) was never uttered.

Hope it work out for you…my self, I like the sounds of infants and toddlers at Mass, it shows the vibrancy of a living rather than dead parish!

Pax et bonum!
 
I’m reluctant to bring it up to the Pastor as he is the one who sent the parishioner up to the balcony last Sunday. It makes me feel as though he is unhappy with our presence as well
 
MShort said:
It makes me feel as though he is unhappy with our presence as well
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I understand your reluctance to speak to the pastor, but you will never know how he actually feels or what actually prompted him to send the other person there.

If one does not know what actually happened, then nothing can be resolved. It also gives Old Scratch an opening to stir things up.

If it were me I’d speak to him, and that is just my two cents worth.
 
You know that is what the parishioner who approached you said.
You do not know that it is the truth.

That said, do call your Pastor and tell him exactly what you said here.
He needs to know that you are feeling unwelcome and he should do something about it.
No one, IMHO, should ever be angry or put out because there is a child at Mass. They are the future of the Church.
 
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Yes, I too, say speak to your pastor. He may or may not have sent someone to speak to you at all…
 
I am sorry to hear of your experience at this church. I agree with the others who say you should schedule some time to meet with your pastor. I know a lot of church’s have “children’s mass”. Honestly, I think they should assume all masses will include children of all ages. Let them schedule a “child free” mass each Sunday if people really feel the need for that.

I will share with you that I catch myself giving the “child stare” in the movies or at the restaurant when a child starts up with bad behavior or audible disruption. I have paid my money and expect a nice, relaxing night out with my companion. I don’t expect people to let their kids run wild. I always feel so bad when it is a child who gets in line quickly, or parents who immediately remove the child. Why do I feel bad? Because I assumed the worst was what we were headed for. Unfortunately, more parents than not these days seem reluctant to keep their kids in line while in public. I wonder if this is what you are seeing at your church?.. Parishioners who have just had it with ill-behaved kids??? It sounds like you are a great parent who doesn’t let your child become disruptive. Unfortunately you may be suffering the brunt of those other families.

When I go to church I hope to have an hour of quiet opportunity to reflect and say my prayers and do so without distraction. I work 60+ hours a week and have a family. Quiet time like that is rare and I cherish it. Maybe some of the folks in your parish are the same. With all of that said, it is a Catholic church, for heaven’s sake. Surely they understand the Church teaching on procreation and family? It is a bit silly they would come to church without expecting children to be there.

Definitely talk to your pastor. We all have needs and it is part of his job to run the parish in a way that is conducive to meeting everyone’s needs to the extent possible. You have a definite (reasonable) need to feel welcome at your church, not in spite of bringing your child, but in large part because you do bring your child. That need is every bit as important as those who are seeking quiet and calm.
 
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Talk to the pastor.

On another note, when my daughter was a toddler we sat in the front so she could see what was going on. Picture yourself as being their size, all they see are people’s backs, boring! Just something to think about. There were a few times when we had to leave because she would misbehave, but I can count those times on one hand.
 
You have been given good advice here by many to talk to your pastor.

Reading this thread makes me appreciate my pastor and the assisting priests more than ever.
About four years ago when he came to be pastor at our parish, he made it a point more than one time that the sounds of children are very welcome. He did it in a way that impressed the congregation. Sometimes infants cry for thirty seconds before the Mom can get the bottle into the child’s mouth, and other such scenarios.

He did mention that when a child is obviously in distress by screaming constantly then the parent usually knows they should get up and take them outside for a little walk.

I’ll say a prayer right now that all goes well when you speak to the pastor, and that other parishioners can learn a bit about love.
 
He thought there was an unattended child last Sunday.

Know that some people are just grumpy and nothing you do will change them.
 
Agree with others; talk to the pastor. You know when your child is being a little fussy and when they need to be taken from the area. Imagine a church with no children… dreadful.

Oh, and it does pay off. We always took our son to Mass with us. He is now 30 and stronger and more knowledgeable in his faith than i wa at that age.
 
Dorothy said:
he made it a point more than one time that the sounds of children are very welcome.
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Every regular priest I’ve had through my life has said the same thing, with one exception, but he was a miserable crank about everything.

Children make a parish feel alive.
 
Hi, M!

Be loyal to Jesus.

Sadly, this is not new nor are you the only person ever to suffer the piety of the “legalistic Catholics.”

These have never known Jesus (St. Matthew 7:21-23); they are caught up in their “quietness” and forget that Jesus warned that Yahweh God does not delight in sacrifices and oblations (holocausts) but in Love.

Yes, there are people who treat Sunday Mass as a drive through or beach party or clubbing or dessert trek, but what you’ve described is not any of those abominations!

Be content to be loyal to Jesus. Do not remove yourself or your child from the Mass, just because some prunes are bitter to the bone.

Let Yahweh God embrace you as He is and must be our only True concern… Serve Yahweh God with all of your heart and mind… Love even those who persecute you–it is God’s Command (St. Matthew 5 thru 7).

Maran atha!

Angel
 
Just don’t sit by those old grump heads.

I don’t mind as long as the the kids not screaming it’s head off and the mom/dad won’t take them out.

Jesus said, “Let the little children come unto me and do not hinder them…”
 
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I’m so sorry for your first experience but your current parish sounds wonderful!
 
One Christmas Eve in my former parish, an older woman turned to me and said she thought children shouldn’t be there because they were too noisy. I told her I thought it was great that they were there. My children were in elementary school at this time.

In my present parish, the pastor has put a notice in the bulletin welcoming parents with children. I have no problem with the children at Mass unless they are screeching and the parents fail to remove them for a while. That has only happened one time in the 12 years we’ve been here.
 
Also in my experience, parents are way more sensitive to the amount of noise their kids are making than the others at Mass. If that’s not the case, odds are the other person needs to lighten up.
 
I have noticed that also. Being on the other end when our son was small, I try to make a point of saying something (before Mass) to let them know they are welcome. I do that because I still remember those few negative comments.
 
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