Feeling Very Hurt by Family

[EqualinHim]

Hey. So let me start off by saying that I am 25. I still live at home with my parents and I’m on the Autism spectrum so sometimes I don’t get social rules or body language. I’m at home because I haven’t been able to find a full-time job, but I have multiple part-time jobs. So, a bit of context for my story. I was born in Hawaii and I lived there for two years. My name is even Hawaiian. It’s my heritage. We have family friends there that have been friends for years that I’ve known primarily through phone calls and letters. We left when I was two. My parents went back when I was about 7 with my brother and I. Then they went back without us for a visit when I was about twelve, and left my brother and I with a family friend. I was very hurt and wanted to go with them. They promised, about thirteen years ago, that they’d take me with them the next time. They kept on saying that year after year. Well, I found out that they’re going back in April. Without me. I feel very betrayed. They kept promising year after year. Their excuse this time is that they couldn’t get the timeshare anytime except for April (which is bad because of my work). They also said that they couldn’t afford a plane ticket for me and they really wanted to take a trip with just themselves. I feel like they were just giving me excuses; that they didn’t want to go with me. I feel really hurt and betrayed that they’ve been promising me something for thirteen years and they weren’t able to deliver. For the record, I didn’t care about the money. I would’ve been willing to pay all or part of my own way if I’d been given enough time to save up some money for a plane ticket by putting in extra hours at work.

It’s the fact that they didn’t even care enough to let me do that that makes this really stink. It’s the fact that they broke a promise to me that they made years ago that really hurts. And they knew about the promise. Mom’s way of telling me this is that “You’re going to be glad that we’re going on a trip but really mad about where it is”. When someone breaks a promise after thirteen years of repeating said promise, it kind of destroys my ability to trust that person. They didn’t even make an effort of talking to me about the dates for the trip. Furthermore, I feel like unwanted baggage. My parents regularly ask about my job search and complain about my inability to find a full-time job. The job market is particularly tough in my area and it’s not for my lack of trying. I spend hours on job search websites every week. I’ve had some interviews in the past year as well. I’m feeling very frustrated and upset. I know I should forgive but I’m having a tough time believing that I’m not an unwanted burden right now. I need a way to be able to discuss promises and integrity with my family. I also need some advice for forgiveness exercises.

 

[EqualinHim]

I should clarify that they went back for a visit when I was a kid. One time they took my brother and I with them, the other time they left us with a family friend. I was twelve, my brother was 15.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Every parent makes promises they cannot keep for one reason or another. This promise came with a hefty price tag, one cannot just decide to save money and rent a car and DRIVE everyone to Hawaii for vacation.

Holding on to this will only make you bitter and angry.

You are 25 and have jobs. Save your money and buy yourself a plane ticket to Hawaii.

 

[guanophore]

I need a way to be able to discuss promises and integrity with my family.

I am wondering if this will make any difference, really. They clearly knew you wanted to go, and would be disappointed that you were not invited. We cannot be responsible for the promises and integrity of others, only of ourselves.

What would happen if you took yourself to Hawaii? If you started saving for a ticket, would you be able to go on your own? I know you would rather feel welcome and included in their trip, but it sounds like it is important to you to go.

Are you hearing the inquiries about getting a full time job as nudges to move out on your own? Are they eager to stop supporting you?

You are right that forgiveness is truly an “exercise”. It is an act of the will, that we make when praying the Lord’s prayer, but also must make sometimes several times a day because the resentment, hurt, or angry thoughts and feelings keep coming. Good news, though, it is like a muscle, and every time you forgive it will get easier.

Praying for others and loving them also helps to heal resentment, hurt, and disappointment.

You may not appreciate it now, but when doors are closed to us, it is often because God has an even better plan for us. Ask Him to show you the blessing in this closed door.

 

[Allegra]

When I was about 14, my stepdad agreed to travel to Berlin to work on a new office building and was there for several months. His company gave my mother the airfare for her and a guest to travel to Germany to visit him. My mom told me she wanted to take me with her. She even took me to have a passport photo taken and got me a passport. Then she decided she didn’t want to take me. No one would blame her for not wanting to take her tweeny kid with her to see her husband whom she hadn’t seen in months, but it was heart-breaking for me because she had told me she was taking me and we had even gone to the library to do research on Germany and Austria. It wasn’t really the cost either because the lodgings in Berlin were free as was the airfare. She just didn’t want me there. Understandable, but it sure would have been nice of her to decide that prior to getting my hopes up. I don’t think she realizes to this day how much I as hurt by it, especially since I was in that sullen tweeny phase where you always pretend like nothing bothers you because there’s nothing you can do about it anyway. My only suggestion is that you do what I did and start planning your escape. Once you’re financially independent, you can plan your own dream trip!

 

[Viki63]

You are in a tough situation.
My son, who is 24, still lives at home because he hasn’t been able to work enough to support himself. It’s hard on everyone even though we appreciate his help with chores, yard work, etc. But the truth is that 30% of young people in their twenties live with parents due to the economy. We worry that he won’t be able to be out on his own soon, and no doubt your parents worry about you as well.

Clearly, your parents don’t jet off to Hawaii every couple of years-- it’s been 13 years since they were able to go. They have saved and planned for this. Doubtless, they would have liked to take you along, but things change. Maybe they can’t afford it; maybe they see it as their last chance to travel and want to do it with each other.

You are young and will have other chances to visit Hawaii and your relatives. This might be their last chance.
I would encourage you to cut them some slack, start saving for a trip for yourself, and pray for God to give you the grace to forgive them.

My husband and I planned to visit Hawaii also, but he spent the last year in the hospital. So I know how plans can change.
I hope you will be able to look at things from your parents’ perspective.

 

[Legend]

You have every right to be disappointed. They not only made a promise, but kept repeating it every year.

That said, it will do you no good to dwell on it. Try and concentrate on getting there, yourself. If you have ‘multiple’ part time jobs, you may even get the opportunity to make more than on one, full time job.

You sound like you really want to go to Hawaii. Save up the money, and go. You may even end up settling there. Who knows?

Wishing you the best of luck!

 

[EqualinHim]

It’s not Hawaii. It’s the fact that they broke a pretty big promise that they kept making year after year.

 

[Reuben_J]

I am sorry for you. The broken promise seemed to be done deliberately, the reason they did not want to bring you along. I know that feeling - of rejection.

To compound matter, you are not independent since you are not working, to do the things you like on your own. Look like you are quite helpless on this.

Is there anything in the house that you like to do? A hobby or something that you are passionate about? It helps to get involved in something with a goal to look forward to.

Pray and allow yourself into deep spirituality to find contentment in God.

God bless.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Please take my advice in the spirit in which it is intended. You are 25 and still live at home. Now what I am about to say, I say as a person who had to move back home for 6 months when I was 22, so I “get it”.

You are a grown adult living in your parent’s space. It is very generous of them to let you live there. But they are at a stage in life now where they want to be able to do their thing. They made a lot of sacrifices for you, no doubt, as they were raising you. Most likely, your parents needed to get away by themselves for a bit.

It sounds on the side of childish for you to be hurt that they “broke a promise”. I think maybe you might tend to take things more literally than most people. This isn’t your fault. However, socially, most people wouldn’t consider holding parents to a promise they made to therir child, when the child was a child, but is now a full-grown adult.

I would encourage you to keep working, and save your money if you want to take a trip. Trips can be expensive, though. You may have to save a long time, and I wouldn’t take a trip until I had my own roof over my head and was fully supporting myself. Mature people don’t take vacations they can’t afford.

I know this may sound harsh, but I think it is sound advice.