Feeling very lost? Parish issues

[MD1]

Hi everyone,

I am posting on here because I am feeling very lost regarding an issue with my parish and another local parish and I appreciate any insight or advice you all may be able to provide. To sum it up quickly, I am feeling lost because I do not feel like I have a parish I belong to. I will provide some background below.

Background: My sister and I (now both adults living at home) were raised attending the OF. Now, my mother, sister, and I all attend a local EF parish that opened six months ago. I enjoy singing in the choir for this EF parish. However, it is demanding, because practice is for nearly two hours on Thursday nights and then I am usually there from 10 am to 1 pm on Sundays for extra practice and the Mass itself. The fact that I am spending so much time at the parish on Sundays can feel very time consuming sometimes. I know this this not at all uncommon for people who want to attend the EF, especially for those who must drive long distances, so I do not mean to be ungrateful. I just mean that sometimes it feels like much of the day has passed by the time I get home (usually between 1 and 1:30pm).

My other concern is that the people who have come into leadership positions in the parish are very much a certain type. For instance, they believe in wearing long skirts, have expressed that they don’t believe in going to college, and don’t want to attend the OF. Please do not misunderstand me, I do not feel there is anything wrong with those beliefs. I understand that not everyone has to wear the same things, have the same education, and have the same liturgical preferences. It is just hard for me to relate to those people that are in charge of many of the events and are “setting the tone,” since I have a job and am in school, I do not wear skirts every day, I will attend the OF if I need to, etc. It may be because I was raised attending the OF that I have a difficult time relating to these people.

We have another parish near us that is a combination of EF and OF (two OF Masses and one EF Mass on a Sunday). There is a large variety of people who go to that parish. We know two friends that go there with their families, so it does nice to have some familiarity. My only fear is that this parish has been established so long and everyone has their friend groups. It is mostly parents with young children. I feel like it would be very tough for me to try to come in to this parish’s social circle at this point. I also feel like I might miss singing at the EF parish.

Again, my main issue is that I feel like I do not have a parish that I belong to and am happy in. I do not know whether I should quit singing at the EF parish and become more involved with the EF/OF combination parish.

My purpose in writing this is merely to state my thoughts and humbly ask for your insight and advice. I do not mean to offend anyone and I certainly do not want this thread to turn into an EF vs. OF argument. Thank you for taking the time to read this post!

May God bless you and keep you.

-M.

 

[angell1]

do the people at your current parish state that their beliefs are their own personal preference? or are they more the type to look down on others who do not do as they do?

if it’s the second type, you might quickly find yourself quite miserable because they could very well start criticinz for your choices that are their own opinion versus what the church actually teaches.

if I were in your position, I would at least try out the new parish and see how things go, you might be surprised at what you could discover.

 

[Jared2914]

I understand your concerns. It can be hard going to a parish with no friends or with people who have very different views on things. I think it would be best to ask God in prayer this question of which parish to join. The answer is going to lie in which parish you can do the most good. It may be that the parish you are least happy at is where God wants you because you will do the most good there. Put God at the center and follow wherever he leads you. The saints put their happiness solely in pleasing God, wherever he led them. That way they were never unhappy no matter what other people thought of them. As long as they were following God’s will for them, they were happy. This is not easy – that’s why we call those people saints – but it’s the ideal we should all be striving for.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

It sounds like you are feeling frustrated with your current parish due to the heavy investment of time required for the choir and also the fact that the new leadership makes you uncomfortable. It seems like while your parish might have been a good fit for you in the past, your life has changed, become more busy, and focuses now on activities not embraced by your parish leaders.

The reality is that many if not most Catholics will not be spending their whole lives in one parish for one reason or another, and at some point will likely need to get used to a new parish. So why not take a chance on the other parish? If it really doesn’t work out for you, then you can always switch back.

Does the other parish have a choir you could join? That might be a nice way of meeting new friends.

 

[Brendan_64]

I once when through a very difficult time in a parish which, without wanting to go into details, caused me hurt and pain. I left the parish and went elsewhere for a few years and it benefited me. It made me get out of a ‘parish mentality’ and realise that we are a universal Church, not a collection of ‘parish Churches’. I think we can over-emphasise the importance of belonging to a particular parish.

 

[Londoner]

Until I started coming on CAF I had never even heard of Catholics who promote a particular female dress code, which I believe is often described as ‘Mary-like standards of modesty’. Perhaps it’s an American thing? Or just a CAF thing? In the UK, and other parts of Europe that I’m more or less familiar with, I never hear people talk about how women ought or ought not to dress. Even the most traditional and conservative Catholic women I know (including nuns and religious sisters) often wear trousers. If I went to a parish where people in leadership positions were promoting a specific dress code, such as long skirts for women, I would feel very out of place, as this is not the sort of Catholicism with which I am familiar.

Why would these people ‘not believe in going to college’? That sounds like a very odd position for a Catholic to take. The Church has typically been at the forefront of providing education at all levels, and our clergy and religious are exceptionally highly educated. If people at your parish ‘don’t believe in going to college’, why do they think that the Church operates so many universities, including ones as famous as Notre Dame and Fordham? Or is it that they don’t think women should be going to college? Either way, there is nothing Catholic about this belief.

The choir is a different question. It’s up to you whether you want to be in the choir. It’s not something you are obliged to do, even if you choose to remain in the parish. Do you get enough out of the choir to make it worth the investment of time? I am sure that the parish benefits from your membership of the choir, but that does not mean that you are obliged to remain a member if it is taking too much of your time, especially as you mention having a job and being in school, which means that you must already be busy.

I do understand and sympathise with your problem. A lot of parishes mostly comprise families, meaning that it can be hard to join in with the social aspects if you are going by yourself instead of with parents, siblings, a husband or wife, your own children, etc.

 

[1ke]

Background: My sister and I (now both adults living at home) were raised attending the OF. Now, my mother, sister, and I all attend a local EF parish that opened six months ago.

MD1, I think it’s important that we clear some things up. There is no such thing as an EF parish or an OF parish. Parishes are territorial, with the exception of a few parishes set up to minister to certain ethnic groups, and those are called personal parishes. While they may offer the EF, there is no such thing as an “EF parish”.

For instance, they believe in wearing long skirts, have expressed that they don’t believe in going to college, and don’t want to attend the OF. Please do not misunderstand me, I do not feel there is anything wrong with those beliefs.

Don’t labor under the misguided notion that you cannot say there is something wrong with people’s beliefs, when there is something wrong with their beliefs. As in this case. The Church does not teach women must wear skits. The Church does not teach women should not go to college. And the Church certainly doesn’t teach there is anything wrong with attending the ordinary form. So, yes, there IS something wrong with all of these beliefs. Especially if they are positioned as anything other than someone’s opinion, or they are criticizing those that do not agree.

My only fear is that this parish has been established so long and everyone has their friend groups. It is mostly parents with young children. I feel like it would be very tough for me to try to come in to this parish’s social circle at this point.

You’re making things up in your head. You have no idea what it will be like until you try. We all face going into new social situations. Yes, it can be scary and give us anxiety. But, you never know until you try.

I also feel like I might miss singing at the EF parish.

Well you can always go back if you do. Right now you seem burned out. You may also want to get a little distance from what your sister and mother are doing, and establish yourself independently. Perhaps you can sing in the choir at this other parish, the one that has both the OF and EF masses. It does sound like the new choir you are in has some unreasonable expectations.

Again, my main issue is that I feel like I do not have a parish that I belong to and am happy in. I do not know whether I should quit singing at the EF parish and become more involved with the EF/OF combination parish.

I think you should stop treating this as if you have to make an irrevocable decision. Go where you want. You can change your mind and go back to the other parish if you don’t like the one you are considering. You can go to both. You can be in the choir or quit the choir. If you quit you can always go back.

Really i think the problem is you are seriously overthinking this and treating it as if you can never change your mind or that it is entirely either/or. It can be “both/and”.

 

[Casilda]

. The saints put their happiness solely in pleasing God, wherever he led them.

Thank you, Jared2914. This is important and we oft forget it. I have resisted going where He is leading me for fear of the unknown. Your reminder has given me strength to break through that fear.

Romans 8
28 And we know that to them that love God, all things work together unto good, to such as, according to his purpose, are called to be saints.

29 For whom he foreknew, he also predestinated to be made conformable to the image of his Son; that he might be the firstborn amongst many brethren.

30 And whom he predestinated, them he also called. And whom he called, them he also justified. And whom he justified, them he also glorified.

31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who is against us?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Everything the OP suggested is pretty typical of certain traditionalists.
I have no idea what goes on in Europe, but the US is not Europe.

 

[YourNameHere]

Find another parish.

 

[MD1]

@angell1 I would say that while there are a few people who state their opinions as personal preferences, mostly the people there make it clear that if others do not follow those same rules - wearing long skirts, not going to college, etc. - then they may be looked down upon. For instance, the husband/father of one of these families has gone so far that he doesn’t want his children socializing with any women who do not wear skirts.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I greatly appreciate your advice! May God bless you.

 

[MD1]

@Jared2914 Thank you for your reply. That is a beautiful mindset and I regret having not thought that way before! I will be praying about this and I appreciate your advice! May God bless you.

 

[MD1]

@Tis_Bearself Thank you for your reply! I am not sure if the other parish has a choir I could join. I will try to look into that. I appreciate your thoughts also on how most people are not in one parish permanently. I hadn’t really thought about that before and it is a good point! Maybe my situation is not as uncommon as I think. Thank you and may God bless you.

 

[MD1]

@Brendan_64 I am sorry to hear that you had a bad experience at your parish, but I am glad the other church you found was better for you spiritually. I think it is very true that we can get caught up in a “parish” mentality and I will be considering this moving forward. Thank you very much for your reply!

 

[Brendan_64]

I am sorry to hear that you had a bad experience at your parish, but I am glad the other church you found was better for you spiritually.

I did come back again, but my attitude towards ‘parish’ changed. A period as a ‘nomad’ can be a good thing. If I was ever in a similar sutuation again I don’t think it would cause me the same upset and if I felt it was best to move on I would. We belong to a universal Church, not a parish ‘Church’.

 

[DarkLight]

@Tis_Bearself Thank you for your reply! I am not sure if the other parish has a choir I could join. I will try to look into that. I appreciate your thoughts also on how most people are not in one parish permanently. I hadn’t really thought about that before and it is a good point! Maybe my situation is not as uncommon as I think. Thank you and may God bless you.

Keep in mind once you finish college it’s highly likely you’ll end up moving for work. Frankly it’s highly unlikely nowadays that people stay in one parish their entire lives. It can be a bit awkward at first, but it’s not as bad as you think!

 

[MD1]

@Londoner The female dress code opinion may be more of an American thing. I have mainly heard the people express disdain for women attending college. However, you made an excellent point regarding education and I had not thought of it before. I appreciate all your insight and advice and I will be considering it moving forward. Thank you for your reply and may God bless you!

 

[MD1]

@Brendan_64 Thank you for your insight! I appreciate it very much.

 

[MD1]

@DarkLight Thank you for your reply, that is a good point! May God bless you.

 

[MD1]

@1ke Thank you for your reply. I agree with you that I think I may be stressing too much of an either/or position when it can be both/and. I will be considering this moving forward. May God bless you.