Feeling very resentful toward my husband. Please help!

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jazzy0710

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I’m feeling very resentful toward my husband right now and I feel bad about it but I just can’t seem to help they way I feel. I feel very hurt, sad, fusturated. A roller coaster of emotions really.

We’ve been married for 3 and a half years and he’s been in the Navy for the past year serving as a cook on a ship. I’m beginning to think that if I had known from the beginning that he was going to enter into this for a career that I would have never married him.

I found out in on Oct.16th that after a year of infertility, I was finally pregnant. I’m due on June 21st.

We were both very excited and my husband wanted to be involved as much as possible which made me very happy. He wanted to cook the healthy meals, do maternity photos, and attend prenatal classes with me.

We found out shortly before I got pregnant that his crew would be going on a sail in February but only until the end of March. So I figured ok well that’s not bad at all. We can do the prenatal classes starting at the beginning of April(there’s 6 of them in total) and then do the photos sometime in May.

He tells me yesterday that now he thinks that it’s going to be 3 months and that they come back in May but he’s not sure.

I was so mad that I wouldn’t even let him within 5 feet of me. I eventually calmed down but then last night I had nightmares about doing everything all by myself and I even dreamt that the sail got extended and I had to deliver the baby alone.

I know that it probably won’t get extended but I really don’t want to do the prenatal classes by myself and see other couples in there all lovey dovey and whatnot. I don’t really have any friends that can go with me and I don’t want to take my Mom because she’s too immature and naggy when it comes to certain things and it took me 11 and a half years to repair my relationship with her and I really don’t want something else to happen.

Hubby will find out today exactly how long the sail is going to be and i’ll find out tonight but i’m really nervous. What if it is 3 months? He’ll miss my birthday for the 2nd year in a row, he’ll miss easter for the 2nd year in a row, and then all of the classes. I don’t know what to do. 😦
 
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you can’t resent your husband or take your feelings out on him. This is not his fault, he is not making this choice, and honestly, this is just the way military life is. The only thing that you can do is resolve to enjoy and cherish the time he is home. You could take your classes and try to prepare for the baby in other ways before he leaves. But if you take out your anger on him, you will only hurt your marriage and lose precious months that could be used to bond, make memories, and get ready for a baby.
 
jazzy0710 said:

“I was so mad that I wouldn’t even let him within 5 feet of me. I eventually calmed down but then last night I had nightmares about doing everything all by myself and I even dreamt that the sail got extended and I had to deliver the baby alone.”

Pregnant women tend to be emotionally pretty fragile and prone to rages and tears (it’s like being a big toddler), so what you’re feeling is very normal, but you’re going to need to learn to manage yourself.

If you haven’t already read it, read “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy” and have your husband read a few chapters, too.

“I know that it probably won’t get extended but I really don’t want to do the prenatal classes by myself and see other couples in there all lovey dovey and whatnot. I don’t really have any friends that can go with me and I don’t want to take my Mom because she’s too immature and naggy when it comes to certain things and it took me 11 and a half years to repair my relationship with her and I really don’t want something else to happen.”

You need to make military wife friends right now and keep making them your whole life. In general, female friendships and support are very important for mothers, but in your situation, it’s really a matter of basic survival. If you are having trouble with this, remember to be friendly to new girls and to take the trouble to show them the ropes.

Also, bear in mind that guys tend to hate the prenatal classes, so you’re not missing out on much by not having your husband there. Also, to be very honest, it’s not that big a help. It is a rite of passage, though.

If you can’t find anybody suitable to be there with you during labor and delivery, start saving for a doula right now. Be careful not to accidentally hire a nut and make sure that she is very clear on what you want from her.

You might actually appreciate having your mom there–if you have a doula, too. You may want to explain to the doula that one of her jobs is to manage your mom. Now that would be worth the big check!

“Hubby will find out today exactly how long the sail is going to be and i’ll find out tonight but i’m really nervous. What if it is 3 months? He’ll miss my birthday for the 2nd year in a row, he’ll miss easter for the 2nd year in a row, and then all of the classes. I don’t know what to do.”

You’re going to be OK.

Best wishes!
 
It of course is not ideal, but if for some reason it becomes apparent that he will not be home to take the classes with you, then he isn’t home to take the classes with you. You will take them with a friend who will be your birth coach. Or you will take them by yourself and rely on the nurses for help. If he is away, you WILL be ok. Again, I know it is not ideal. I would be frustrated and afraid and nervous and all of those things, too. But, this is not your husband’s fault and it is unfair to take it out on him. Your emotions are very real, and I encourage you to feel them and talk about them with your spouse. It is unjust to hold any of this against your husband.

My prayers are with you. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!
 
As a fellow military wife let me tell you I can relate to this 100% My husband did a 6 month deployment 1 month after we had our first baby…it was rough. But honestly…you chose this. This is the military life and it’s hard. That’s why military couples have a VERY high divorce rate. I just say get as much of the classes done as possible before he leaves and you can get your maternity session done right before you deliver. They will be prettier with a full 9 month belly anyways. You have to cling to God and find a good support system. I had to branch out and meet some military wives and cling to my family a bit to get through it all. Just be strong and never stop praying. Jesus knows your pain and will hold you through it.
 
jazzy0710 said:
Hubby will find out today exactly how long the sail is going to be and i’ll find out tonight but i’m really nervous. What if it is 3 months? He’ll miss my birthday for the 2nd year in a row, he’ll miss easter for the 2nd year in a row, and then all of the classes. I don’t know what to do. 😦
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Calm down. First, calm down. Take a couple of deep breaths.

Then sit down with your husband and talk to him. Of course now that he is in the military, he has no choice about where to go or when. They tell him when to show up for work and he has to listen.

BUT, if this isn’t something that you discussed before he joined up, you need to talk about how long he plans to be “in.” And how long he signed up for in the beginning. In other words, how much longer are you going to be living like this?

Military life can be hard. You and your husband need to be on the same page about it.
 
This is one of the big problems of military life. Try checking with whoever it is in the Navy that helps with these things. In the Air Force it is the 1st sgt. There is somebody who can help you, maybe your doctor and staff know. Don’t take it out on your husband; he sounds like he really wants to be with you.
 
In the first years of marriage, you often have a detailed vision of how your married life is going to run and when there is a spanner in the works of that vision, it seems like the whole deck of cards is going to tumble down.

When you get to 25 years down the track and look back in retrospect, you can see how it the struggles and hardships that you endured through, that build the strong, enduring, confident type of love that only long lasting relationships enjoy. Try to see this set back as the stepping stones through torrent to that type of love on the other side. God bless.
 
Maybe he isn’t your husband. Here’s a trip for the mods to delete. Our hearts are meant for one person (to be exact and literal, one HUMAN person). Here’s another trip for the mods to delete (this is clearly a forum under a police state). My mother, St. Anne, married and divorced two people, and will marry a third (but may not beget children). They were annulled.

I’m “married” to someone who is engaged, as a literal example.

God is good, isn’t He?!
 
Haha, I’m sorry mods, I can make amends on what I said. “Whoops!”
 
Flimmy said:
Maybe he isn’t your husband. Here’s a trip for the mods to delete. Our hearts are meant for one person (to be exact and literal, one HUMAN person). Here’s another trip for the mods to delete (this is clearly a forum under a police state). My mother, St. Anne, married and divorced two people, and will marry a third (but may not beget children). They were annulled.

Mods, instead of deleting this, please open a discussion with me, or ask me to revise the post. I am not a rebel, and would GLADLY do either to get a point across. I am a member of the human race, like you, and respect my positions.

I’m “married” to someone who is engaged, as a literal example.

God is good, isn’t He?!
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I’m sorry, but what the H E double hockey sticks is this about???
 
The truth. I wouldn’t say “the truth” otherwise. Human laws are rules are stilted, or faulted, but let me revise: human “ways” are stilted, but were put in place to save souls.
 
There are many people in this world who would be suitable for us to marry. The important thing is when we choose one we stay true to them for all of time. Suggesting that she divorce this guy just because he’s in the navy is silly. How is your mother St. Anne? and if she’s gotten two annulments then I trust the bishops decided correctly under those terms but she needs to rethink her vocation and try and discern if marrying this 3rd man is what God wants for her. How are you married to an engaged man?
 
travissbeloved said:
There are many people in this world who would be suitable for us to marry.
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Okay then, have your pick. I bet all but one would love you forever, and three would like you forever.

One betrothed, three that helped (and you helped) their three faculties, mind, body, and spirit.

Your whole self sought one women, and your three faculties sought three helpmates.

My mother was St. Anne (and “is”.), the one who birthed Our Lady.

And this will make sense: I am (or “was”.) St. Augustine. The way I talk sound familiar? My spirit is as old as time. Be advised, “old as time,” as in, since well… “the beginning.” A name is well… not sure, but I was him, so I am him.
 
😃
jazzy0710 said:
I’m feeling very resentful toward my husband right now and I feel bad about it but I just can’t seem to help they way I feel. I feel very hurt, sad, fusturated. A roller coaster of emotions really.

We’ve been married for 3 and a half years and he’s been in the Navy for the past year serving as a cook on a ship. I’m beginning to think that if I had known from the beginning that he was going to enter into this for a career that I would have never married him.

I found out in on Oct.16th that after a year of infertility, I was finally pregnant. I’m due on June 21st.

We were both very excited and my husband wanted to be involved as much as possible which made me very happy. He wanted to cook the healthy meals, do maternity photos, and attend prenatal classes with me.

We found out shortly before I got pregnant that his crew would be going on a sail in February but only until the end of March. So I figured ok well that’s not bad at all. We can do the prenatal classes starting at the beginning of April(there’s 6 of them in total) and then do the photos sometime in May.

He tells me yesterday that now he thinks that it’s going to be 3 months and that they come back in May but he’s not sure.

I was so mad that I wouldn’t even let him within 5 feet of me. I eventually calmed down but then last night I had nightmares about doing everything all by myself and I even dreamt that the sail got extended and I had to deliver the baby alone.

I know that it probably won’t get extended but I really don’t want to do the prenatal classes by myself and see other couples in there all lovey dovey and whatnot. I don’t really have any friends that can go with me and I don’t want to take my Mom because she’s too immature and naggy when it comes to certain things and it took me 11 and a half years to repair my relationship with her and I really don’t want something else to happen.

Hubby will find out today exactly how long the sail is going to be and i’ll find out tonight but i’m really nervous. What if it is 3 months? He’ll miss my birthday for the 2nd year in a row, he’ll miss easter for the 2nd year in a row, and then all of the classes. I don’t know what to do. 😦
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😃 Sorry, I couldn’t help smiling because this sounds like my story about 36 years ago! My husband was also a cook in the Navy, but we were overseas, and not only did I not know anyone, I couldn’t read, speak or understand the language ;we lived in town and didn’t have a telephone or car. Having anyone from my family there was impossible. Of course everything turn out ok. My husband was supposed to be at sea when the baby was due, but she came 2 weeks early and he was there for it anyway. Please do not hold your husband responsible for the decisions of the Navy; I’ m sure you know it’s not his fault. Put off taking your classes for as long as possible and have your husband start saving up his leave (even if you have to cut back for Christmas); everything will work out just fine for you too. 😃
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you can’t resent your husband or take your feelings out on him. This is not his fault, he is not making this choice, and honestly, this is just the way military life is. The only thing that you can do is resolve to enjoy and cherish the time he is home. You could take your classes and try to prepare for the baby in other ways before he leaves. But if you take out your anger on him, you will only hurt your marriage and lose precious months that could be used to bond, make memories, and get ready for a baby.
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👍 Well said.
 
“Ugh, I am such a turd, but” what happened was necessary. Regardless, the advice above my be applicable.
 
Flimmy said:
Okay then, have your pick. I bet all but one would love you forever, and three would like you forever.

One betrothed, three that helped (and you helped) their three faculties, mind, body, and spirit.

Your whole self sought one women, and your three faculties sought three helpmates.

My mother was St. Anne (and “is”.), the one who birthed Our Lady.

And this will make sense: I am (or “was”.) St. Augustine. The way I talk sound familiar? My spirit is as old as time. Be advised, “old as time,” as in, since well… “the beginning.”
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I think you are a troll…

I consider Mary my spiritual mother in a way yes and myself like St. Augustine in that I am too a sinner but the way you talk makes you sound…uhh a little screwy. I’m not sure what you mean by three that helped?? And I am a woman sooo I have a husband and my “whole self did not seek one woman”, It sought one man. I am married and I love my husband and he is a good, Catholic man but I also recognize that love is a decision that we make every day. There are other good, Catholic men out there that I could’ve met and married but I found and committed to this one.;
 
Monicad said:

“Sometimes I am mad at my husband and I know I am being unfair and it is not logical because he really has not done anything wrong but I still “feel” mad.”

And that is very normal. It’s more satisfying to get mad at the person next to you than to get mad at circumstances beyond your control or the Navy. You can yell all you like at the Navy–you won’t hear a word back.

Speaking of military family life, my brother and his wife had all of their earthly possessions shipped to Okinawa–and then there was a last minute change in orders and they and their boys were going to California instead. And a bunch of their stuff did not make it back in one piece.

Best wishes to the OP!
 
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