Feelings after miscarriage

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littleflower77

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I apologize for the rambling and the venting… I really just need to voice these thoughts.

My husband and I were expecting our first baby on May 13th, but we lost the baby on Tuesday night at 9 weeks. The baby had stopped developing at 6 weeks. I’m feeling a little bit numb, a little bit of anguish and hopelessness and just plain sadness. We were the first of our friends to get married and get pregnant, so I just didn’t know what to expect at all.

The rest of this post is going to be all of the sad feelings I have, so I want to start off by saying that God has blessed us in many ways throughout the whole process, and that the people who know what happened have been so wonderful and kind to us. And my husband has just been so amazing, so kind and loving throughout everything. I love him more than I thought possible. I have kind of an optimistic and positive personality, so much so that I sometimes have to force myself to grieve, so I really need to get all of these sad feelings out in the open and I hope it’s okay if I do so here.

My husband and I didn’t tell very many people we were pregnant because we were waiting until the baby was 12 weeks (that’s the “normal” thing to do), but now we lost the baby I just wish people knew what we are going through. I went to the hospital with a baby inside of me and I came out empty in so many ways.

We named the baby Therese Marie. We are going to bury her and have a private funeral mass. I feel very blessed to have this opportunity, but a part of me feels embarrassed that we are doing this, that people would look down on us for it if they knew we were doing this for a baby that really does look like a little embryo. I was looking online for a place to bury my baby since we don’t own land, and I came across a website for childless couples that was mocking people like me who feel loss after a miscarriage and want to bury their “baby” (they used other, less kind words). I know the people on the website were probably broken in some way, but their words were just so…mean, so spiteful and ugly. I know that baby Therese has a soul and deserves a burial just as much as a full term baby, but it hurts that people think I am ridiculous for feeling this way.

I also feel frustrated that I didn’t know how entirely painful the actual miscarriage was going to be. When doctors told me on Saturday that the baby might have stopped developing, I started looking up people’s stories. Many women talked about being in a lot of pain and crying, so I thought I knew what to expect. But no… I was in the absolute worst pain in my life. I felt delirious with the pain. My husband finally took me to the ER because I was in so much pain and bleeding nonstop. They gave me fentanyl (which I later looked up and is apparently 80 times more potent than morphine) and even after it set in my pain was still getting up to a 7 or 8 during what I assume were contractions. The whole thing was honestly just traumatic, and it’s so weird that I can’t talk about it.

And now I am back at home in this strange state of mind. Half the time I feel fine and then half the time things just feels so pointless. I can focus on certain things- I even painted furniture yesterday since my husband’s parents are coming to visit. But then things like eating and cleaning are so hard to do. My husband is in the military so all of our family lives in another state. We actually have visitors coming (starting this weekend) for the next three weekends. The visits were planned before the miscarriage, so I am excited to see our visitors and have the distraction but also afraid that I’m not going to be able to process the loss. My dad was in a work accident when I was 18, so I know that mixed feelings like this are to be expected, and I’ve felt many of these before, but there is something so different about losing a little baby inside of you that no one else knew. I guess I just wish that miscarriage was talked about more. I think it makes it worse that it is so private. 😦

Thanks for the troopers who read through all of this. I would appreciate any prayers or advice you have to offer. Thanks again and God bless all of you.
 
I am so sad you have to go through this. The reason that some people feel that waiting until 12 weeks is “the normal thing to do” is that some want to deal with this privately. They don’t want person after person to ask about a pregnancy that ended months before the previously announced due date. It is a very personal decision. You will get through it. Do what you have to do, and don’t be hard on yourself for the ups and downs. Having to go through them is bad enough.

As for the people ridiculing you for wanting to bury your child, keep in mind that some may be trying to cope with their own decision to have an abortion, rather than being simply politically inclined to defend the idea that we aren’t really persons at conception. Sometimes,that kind of venom comes out of simple callousness, but sometimes it is instead a cover for very deep pain that the venomous person doesn’t want to admit. You can never know. One thing is certain: It is reasonable to consider a person who would treat you in such a way as an enemy. Someone who hurts you so deeply and unnecessarily ought to be the subject of prayer.

Other than cemeteries for veterans, most cemeteries have a section for babies. Many times, these are tinier plots. You don’t have to give the cemetery a due date. Just list the date of birth and date of death for your baby as the same date. If you want to estimate the date of death in utero as that date, that is up to you.

The other thing people sometimes elect to do is to inter their child in the same plot as an older relative, such a greatgrandmother or a greatgrandfather, or an older aunt or uncle or other relative who died without marrying. Since you are moving around now, you might rather give your child a grave with the rest of the family. If so, ask your parents for ideas about that.
 
Hugs and prayers.

My condolences on the loss of your child. This is a time of grief. Different people experience and express their grief differently. Some people want to talk about it, while others may not.

Miscarriages are perhaps especially hard in a culture that does not recognize the sanctity of life. You miscarried at a point in your pregnancy when many people abort.

People often don’t know what to say when a woman speaks of her miscarriage. Some of the people who say the wrong thing may be people who are suffering or perhaps denying their own grief.

Be gentle with yourself and be forgiving towards others. It will likely get easier with time but your are unlikely to forget Therese Marie.
 
My deepest condolences at the loss of your little Therese Marie. :console: All that you are suffering can be joined to Christ’s suffering for the redemption of the world, if you give it all to him. Of course, you are having all kinds of emotions–that’s natural, so don’t feel badly for having them. Just let God lead you through them, day by day, with no expectations as to when you are supposed to feel better. As for those who belittle your pain, forgive them for they know not what they do. Such people need our prayers and pity. Don’t overburden yourself but do keep busy enough that you don’t fall into the dole drums. Pray, attend Mass, and let God heal you as only he can do. Go to Our Blessed Mother Mary, who also lost a beloved child. She’ll understand better than anyone else. ❤️
 
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. You now have your own little angel in heaven looking over you & your husband. Praying for the intentions of you & your husband. God bless.
 
All I can say is: please accept my sincere condolences and sympathy as you go through this difficult time.

I suggest you only tell those who will comfort you, pray for you and who will walk through this journey of grief over the loss of your little one.

Furthermore who cares what people may say. This was your baby who you rightfully named and claimed as your little baby. I think it is wonderful that you are having a mass and a burial for her. As far as I’m concerned, you do what you need to do that will give you comfort during this difficult time. If people, friends, and family don’t understand it, they can go fly a kite because this baby was your child and therefore it is no longer in the security of your womb. It is now in God’s precious hands and only you and your husband truly understand the pain and sorrow you are feeling right now.

I don’t understand why this happened but it takes a lot of guts to write your story on this forum. Often as Christians we don’t talk alot about miscarriages because they are so painful. The doctors can be so insensitive because they don’t always see it as a child of Christ. But rest assure we do and you have our prayers over you as you journey through this difficult time in your life.

Please accept my condolences and sympathies. If there is anything we can do, please message us. It’s not easy but somehow God will help you through it.
 
I just wanted to add that you and your husband are in my prayers. :crossrc:
 
I’m so sorry that you have lost your little baby, it must be a very difficult and upsetting time for you and your husband. It’s lovely that you are going to have a funeral service for Therese Marie, please don’t worry at all about the stupid comments you may read online from people who don’t understand.

May God bless you and comfort you at this time.
 
First, my sympathies for you and your husband.

Your loss is very real, and you are going to have all kinds of feelings. There will be anger, sadness, depression, grief and eventually healing. Don’t despair if you get angry, cry or need help during this time.

It is good that you have named your baby, and that you are having a funeral. This is better than doing nothing at all, as used to be the norm. This funeral will allow you to grieve more normally.

You will also go through a lot of hormonal changes, and there is always the possibility of depression when you go through any surgical procedure due to the medications used. Try to go for a short walk everyday to help maintain your spirits and of course pray. If you really get depressed see your doctor. Don’t try to “tuff it out.”

God grant you peace and healing soon.
 
littleflower77 said:
I apologize for the rambling and the venting… I really just need to voice these thoughts.

My husband and I were expecting our first baby on May 13th, but we lost the baby on Tuesday night at 9 weeks. The baby had stopped developing at 6 weeks. I’m feeling a little bit numb, a little bit of anguish and hopelessness and just plain sadness. We were the first of our friends to get married and get pregnant, so I just didn’t know what to expect at all.

The rest of this post is going to be all of the sad feelings I have, so I want to start off by saying that God has blessed us in many ways throughout the whole process, and that the people who know what happened have been so wonderful and kind to us. And my husband has just been so amazing, so kind and loving throughout everything. I love him more than I thought possible. I have kind of an optimistic and positive personality, so much so that I sometimes have to force myself to grieve, so I really need to get all of these sad feelings out in the open and I hope it’s okay if I do so here.

My husband and I didn’t tell very many people we were pregnant because we were waiting until the baby was 12 weeks (that’s the “normal” thing to do), but now we lost the baby I just wish people knew what we are going through. I went to the hospital with a baby inside of me and I came out empty in so many ways.

We named the baby Therese Marie. We are going to bury her and have a private funeral mass. I feel very blessed to have this opportunity, but a part of me feels embarrassed that we are doing this, that people would look down on us for it if they knew we were doing this for a baby that really does look like a little embryo. I was looking online for a place to bury my baby since we don’t own land, and I came across a website for childless couples that was mocking people like me who feel loss after a miscarriage and want to bury their “baby” (they used other, less kind words). I know the people on the website were probably broken in some way, but their words were just so…mean, so spiteful and ugly. I know that baby Therese has a soul and deserves a burial just as much as a full term baby, but it hurts that people think I am ridiculous for feeling this way.

I also feel frustrated that I didn’t know how entirely painful the actual miscarriage was going to be. When doctors told me on Saturday that the baby might have stopped developing, I started looking up people’s stories. Many women talked about being in a lot of pain and crying, so I thought I knew what to expect. But no… I was in the absolute worst pain in my life. I felt delirious with the pain. My husband finally took me to the ER because I was in so much pain and bleeding nonstop. They gave me fentanyl (which I later looked up and is apparently 80 times more potent than morphine) and even after it set in my pain was still getting up to a 7 or 8 during what I assume were contractions. The whole thing was honestly just traumatic, and it’s so weird that I can’t talk about it.

And now I am back at home in this strange state of mind. Half the time I feel fine and then half the time things just feels so pointless. I can focus on certain things- I even painted furniture yesterday since my husband’s parents are coming to visit. But then things like eating and cleaning are so hard to do. My husband is in the military so all of our family lives in another state. We actually have visitors coming (starting this weekend) for the next three weekends. The visits were planned before the miscarriage, so I am excited to see our visitors and have the distraction but also afraid that I’m not going to be able to process the loss. My dad was in a work accident when I was 18, so I know that mixed feelings like this are to be expected, and I’ve felt many of these before, but there is something so different about losing a little baby inside of you that no one else knew. I guess I just wish that miscarriage was talked about more. I think it makes it worse that it is so private. 😦

Thanks for the troopers who read through all of this. I would appreciate any prayers or advice you have to offer. Thanks again and God bless all of you.
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I understand what you are going through. I lost two babies and we did bury both of them. One hospital didn’t even want to release the baby to the mortuary it was so little but my Dr. saw to it they did. Both Catholic cemeteries buried the babies free of charge. One in Colo. in 1963 and the other on NE. in 1973. We named our babies, both boys and they are still a part of our family. Yes prayers for sure, God Bless, Memaw
 
I am so sorry for your loss. I have not much advice to offer, except that it will take time to heal. Be kind to yourself.
 
I’m so sorry this has happened. 😦

Mine died at about 13 weeks gestation. We told everybody by then and it wasn’t a nice experience to explain what happened. Most people don’t acknowledge them to be real babies and don’t know what to say. I got some very insensitive comments from friends. I honestly wish I could have grieved in private.

Perhaps you can tell people whom you trust and who will be supportive and understanding. If this is what you need, than don’t be embarrassed to talk about it. You’d be surprised at how many women go though the same thing.

Take it one day at a time. It is an emotional roller coaster, but it does get better with time.

God bless.
 
I am so sorry for your loss. Am praying for you and sending a cyber hug.

I’ve been through miscarriage, too, and there simply are no words to describe how it feels. Furthermore, unless you’ve been through it, you simply can’t understand. Because miscarriage often happens before you start telling people about the pregnancy, it’s often a burden you carry alone. Try to find a trusted friend or two. There are online support groups, also. Unfortunately, I can’t recommend any personally because the one I used to use went under. But, maybe one of the other ladies here knows of one?

Take really good care of yourself and let your body and emotions be your guide at first. Grieving and mourning is a totally normal process, not a pathology. Yours is a very new loss. It will take time to process. Not “get over”, not “closure”, but to find a way to move forward.

I’m praying for you.
 
Sorry for your pain and your loss 😦

I lost my baby at 6 or 8 weeks in 2012 right before my birthday. Feelings cannot describe the sadness. I felt nothing for about a month and a half. I just cried and cried. I came home and gained 47 pounds from comfort eating…and I’m already chunky so that wasn’t good. I’ve had two other miscarriages before but this hit me way harder.

Things will get better, but let yourself grieve and cry. It helps a bunch. I figure God took our baby home since he was better up there and all…I trust that everything happens for a reason. Named him Nathaniel.

Praying for you and your husband through this hard time.

Kat
 
I am so sorry for you loss. :’(

Catholic cemeteries often allow children lost so early to share an existing cemetery plot at little cost.

Stay away from the internet, as people far too often say cruel things that have no basis in fact. Loosing a child at any age is tragic and painful, and what you are feeling is normal given these awful circumstances.

Your hospital, parish office, or even funeral home may be able to refer you to a grief support group. There are also safe online groups, such as those found within Catholic Answers Forums.
 
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