Fellow Catholics, question about marriage/virginity?

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johnfrancis1990

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Hi. I am a 21, near 22 year old male. I am still a virgin, I am good looking, 6’1 and in good shape. I had some rough patches in life and was always in trouble/rebellious, I had my first kiss at age 10 and that was the closest I ever came(I had chances for sex but was not ready).

I really straightened myself out, no drugs, drinking, nothing. I am unemployed but my father will likely help me out with that. I matured quite early from many tough life experiences. I was in some bad places(including jail) but dug myself out. I have always had a kind, caring personality, but just couldn’t seem to focus myself, and had too much fun being mischievous.

I wish I did have sex. I want to be experienced so that I could properly please my future wife. I hope to meet the “right one” for me, and not inside of a bar, I am not into that.

My question is, how did you hold off(specifically males) and where did YOU meet the “right Christian girl” for you?

Thanks.
 
You are fortunate to have not had sex yet. While virginity does not have the meaning for the male that it does for the female, it is still something you can offer your future wife.

ISTM that based on what everybody talks about, emotional baggage from prior relationships completely swamps any issue of “experience”.

ICXC NIKA
 
First, good job on being a virgin! Seriously. You have no idea how wonderful of a gift that you have.

Problem #1 I see, is that you are going to bars to meet women. Right? I’d love to send you a link to a dating expert, but I wonder if I’m allowed. Anyway, according to his team’s research (yes, he makes a living by getting men to date women), bars are known as a “hostile environment” when meeting people. You will have a less than 1% chance of pulling anything off. Would you want to?

The strongest way to meet the woman you intend to date is through friends. When someone introduces you to a woman, the mystery “is it safe” is broken by having you friend give that unspoken “A-OK” via an introduction.

If this won’t happen to you, which doesn’t for most, then go out and meet women. Always be ready to go on a “date.” Be clean, showered, groomed, dressed. If you go out in your beer drinking shirt (I know you said you don’t drink), smell like you haven’t showerd in a week, haven’t combed your hair since high school, then you’re not going to meet anyone. Basic hygeine, dress well (not stupid expensive!) and always be ready to meet someone.

Message me a private deal, and I’ll give you contact for this dating expert for the full scoop. He’s been doing it for over 15 years, and has an international business out of it.

When you find a woman, does she share your religion? This is the biggest factor, I believe. I have had countless failed relationships or outright trainwrecks because the answer was “no.”

How do you meet a woman of your same religion? Church groups, after Mass meet and greets, religious dating sites that you pay for (if she pays, she’s interested in finding someone TOO). You just have to get out there, and put your face in the open.

Problem #2, chastity.

This one’s harder. It takes communication with her up front. You have to establish what parts of the body you two feel comfortable touching, how you feel comfortable kissing, and how much physical contact is Ok. Meeting in public, and hanging out with mutual friends is always advised. If you feel like you have to jump on her and have sex right now, back off a notch and go home. The next time you see that cue, that indicator, come up, back off and go home. This will keep you from entering a state of sin.

I cannot express in better detail that COMMUNICATION is the key. What is a mortal sin for one person isn’t for another. You and she need to define what is Ok. If one of you crosses a bound, apologize and continue dating. If you’re truly in love, you’ll forgive each other for a slip. Just because you kiss her for 1 second longer than allowable DOESN’T mean you should break up. Communicate, come to same terms, forgive, and move on. True love will lead you to marriage.

PRAY! Ask God for help. Petition the Saints to pray with/for you. The more the better! She needs to pray too. Pray for Chastity. Pray together and separate to remain chaste. Prayer is an amazing under-appreciated and under-utilized tool of the faith.

Did that help a little?
 
johnfrancis1990 said:
I wish I did have sex. I want to be experienced so that I could properly please my future wife. I hope to meet the “right one” for me, and not inside of a bar, I am not into that.
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No you don’t. Believe me you would regret it. I can’t even begin to describe to you the regret I feel knowing I have lost that. You and your wife will have something special. It is not about “experience”, it is about learning and growing together.
 
Purity is more than just abstinence from the physical. Satan is a liar, and many souls are deceived into thinking that sex is love, when it ain’t. Women commit the sin of human respect by sleeping with potential mates, and men are stupid enough to see this as the woman being in love with him.

As I had to formulate a defense of myself at one time:

Hedonists have sex,
married couples make love
I am not a hedonist
and you and I are not married.

It was bad enough before the GLBT lobby got to working on society. Now I not only have to work on fending off the men, but the women as well. The latter is especially exhausting because of the discernment of spirits that is involved–it nauseates me.

I practice covering and modest apparel, and the men are appreciative.

The media and the GLBTs are unevangelized. I know that for a fact. Look at the numbers of Godless or pagan in the media. The absence of habited nuns has nearly killed the world.

Male virgins are desiring a consecration similar to that of the women. The only way to affect this is to create a charism that works on deepening and purifying the situation one is already involved in. cloisters.tripod.com/csjb/ I have consulted a canonist regarding this charism, and my bishop knows about it, so everyone can chill on the criticism.

Blessings,
Cloisters
 
PerfectTiming said:
No you don’t. Believe me you would regret it. I can’t even begin to describe to you the regret I feel knowing I have lost that. You and your wife will have something special. It is not about “experience”, it is about learning and growing together.
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The penitents are higher than the virgins in Heaven. Just keep your focus.

Blessings,
Cloisters
 
being a 33 yr old male i can honestly say with confidence that I am also a virgin,

and I could go on for awhile how i have been ridiculed for it too.

and from both sides females and males is what i found astounding.

I first thought i had a problem, that being a virgin ment something was wrong with me… I thought maybe if at this age in my life , had I at some point decided to have had a sexual relationship it would have helped me mature and be more comfortable around women and in turn be able to figure out what kind of woman I really want in my life.

Then I didn’t think I could accept a woman who wasn’t a virgin either, so i placed more limits on finding a woman.

also having to blend in with peers and pretending i had many sexual experiences became exhausting as well. I either had to fit in or be ridiculed.

Then being rejected by women because they found out I was a virgin was even more disheartening, i mean if women can’t understand what i have done with my life how could i possibly find one who will love me ?

Or how do i come to terms with the fact that there are just not women out there who are committing themself to marrage before sex ? I had to, I cant personally judge them for what they have done in the past.

It is all so confusing, then once you do become married you have to understand and learn boundaries, and what are you supposed to do when you want to explore and try things with this person whom you married ? Then you have to ask yourself why do you want to try these " things " and how does that relate into the vows and vocation one has entered into in marrage.

Or we can talk about urges and needs, or wanting that physical connection with that person out of love in the confines of marrage and the spouse not wanting to reciprocate those needs ,wants, or connection.

I became tired of being judged for my Virginity and finally do see it as a gift, not a burden, a grace, and not a vice.

And if the day comes to where I am called into a religious vocation then I turn that gift, and grace back over to God, because it is no longer mine to give to a woman. I in turn would be accepting a new gift of love for others through selfless service and faith in Christ.

But I do understand the OP struggle with his virginity, and we are pressured with premarital sex as being okay in todays world, not looking at it as a gift, as something to be honored but told that we need to experience it as to be more mature and to grow as a person.
 
Cloisters said:
The penitents are higher than the virgins in Heaven. Just keep your focus.

Blessings,
Cloisters
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No, penitence is needed to get into Heaven, so the virgins in Heaven are also penitents. And the highest Saint is the Virgin Mary. But of curse Virgins without penitence are lower (they are not even in Heaven).
 
johnfrancis1990 said:
I wish I did have sex. I want to be experienced so that I could properly please my future wife. I hope to meet the “right one” for me, and not inside of a bar, I am not into that.
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If you want a good catholic wife, than you need to educate about the catholic faith first.

The best place to meet a good Catholic/Christian girl is at church.
 
As with you, I’m still a virgin. As I close in on the age of 45, I do not regret my decision to abstain from sex, even with the realization that I may never have sexual relations. Do not regret sticking with your ideals. Sex isn’t about performance. It’s part of a convenant that espouses the bringing forth new life within a unitive relationship.
 
johnfrancis1990 said:
I wish I did have sex. I want to be experienced so that I could properly please my future wife.
Click to expand...
I don’t think I would worry about this for a few reasons.
  1. Experience lets you know how to please another woman. Everybody is different. You can learn together and find what works for you or rehash what somebody else likes and hope that’s her thing.
  2. The more women you sleep with the less it starts to mean to you.
  3. I think your future wife would rather you protect yourself from sin than use another woman for practice. I also doubt the “practice woman” would be very thrilled to hear “I don’t want to marry you but can I use you for practice so I can make someone I actually love happy?”
  4. Would you want your future wife to get some practice so she can please you? Trust me on this, you’ll find what works. While you get your experience you also gain your own tastes. What if she doesn’t do what the other women do? Now you’re asking her learn new things because that’s what the other women did.
 
johnfrancis1990 said:
I wish I did have sex. I want to be experienced so that I could properly please my future wife. I hope to meet the “right one” for me, and not inside of a bar, I am not into that.

My question is, how did you hold off(specifically males) and where did YOU meet the “right Christian girl” for you?

Thanks.
Click to expand...
You know, speaking for someone who lived a much raunchier life before my conversion, it really doesn’t work that way. “Sex” isn’t a generalized skillset you develop, so trying to have sex with one person in order to get better at pleasing the other isn’t going to work. Sex is an act between two particular people, meaning it’s always going to be subject to the necessary learning curve of familiarizing yourself with that person’s physical needs, desires, circumstances, etc.
 
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