Fellow Infertiles: Please come in

[Lucky7]

So I’m apparently never going to have achild…either due to my age or a problem that my husband or I have. Sometimes I’m good with this fact; other times I really struggle and hurt terribly. Lately, all I hear about is this one and that one getting pregnant. People my age are having grandchildren and I can not even have a child. Women who have said they don’t want a child ever, change their mind, get married later in life, end up getting pregnant within months.

I’m not mad at God because I know that in the end this is probably what is best, but I can’t shake the feeling of how unfair this all is. I hate that I can not feel joy for those who get pregnant. I’m happy for them, but I’m not excited. All it does is remind me that this will never happen for me.

If you have felt the same way, any advice on thinking differently, etc would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Peter12rb]

I’m sorry to hear that, and I can only imagine what it must be like for you. Is adoption or foster care an option? There are so many children without parents, and so many that get yanked around the foster care system for lack of good foster parents.

I think a family can be considered complete even without children, just as God called creation ‘good’ after he created Adam and Eve but before they had children.

 

[bstorm]

Lucky, I am in the same boat, though I am still hoping that perhaps a miracle can happen for me and my husband. I know way too many people currently expecting or with a newborn. While I am happy for them, I feel sad at the same time. I do not really have any advice for you as I am still trying to figure things out myself. But perhaps it will help you to know that you are not alone in what you are going through.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

My first wife utterly refused to have children. After she dumped me I remarried. My wife is a few years older than me, and children just didn’t happen, even though we both checked out fine. We didn’t waste any time and proceeded to adopt internationally. International adoption is not cheap, so it is not for everyone. However, domestic adoption can be done much more inexpensively. Definitely consider adoption if you wish to have children. My wife has one child from a prior marriage, and she tells me that there is absolutely no difference between a biological child and an adopted one.

 

[Schieffelin]

I’m right there with you, Lucky. It’s a hard place to be. Folks who don’t struggle with infertility often don’t realize just how heavy this cross is (not that I mean to downplay the crosses of other people at all).

Give yourself some time to grieve. Read books by other women who’ve been there - like Hannah’s Prayer. Don’t forget to count your blessings and focus on keeping your marriage happy and healthy.

Consider joining a support group or going to counseling. This stuff is a big deal and it can be hard to cope alone.

Adoption is an option but it is not a cure for the pain of infertility. And it is often not a simple process. So if you do choose to go in that direction, be sure you’ve fully grieved your own infertility first and are ready to do adoption for the sake of the child.

:hug1:

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Adoption is an option but it is not a cure for the pain of infertility. And it is often not a simple process. So if you do choose to go in that direction, be sure you’ve fully grieved your own infertility first and are ready to do adoption for the sake of the child.

I find it interesting that there is a “pain of infertility.” That thought never crossed my mind. The only thing that was upsetting for me is the possibility of not having children.

 

[Z1Z2]

I find it interesting that there is a “pain of infertility.” That thought never crossed my mind. The only thing that was upsetting for me is the possibility of not having children.

There most certainly is a “pain of infertility” that does not completely disappear with the arrival of children. We struggled with secondary infertility for years, after our daughter was born. I can tell some good things that came as a result of surviving those years, but they scarred me as well.

 

[Schieffelin]

I find it interesting that there is a “pain of infertility.” That thought never crossed my mind. The only thing that was upsetting for me is the possibility of not having children.

Yep, it means different things for different people. For example:

-It makes me sad that I may never have a child with my husband’s eyes or his quirky traits. It doesn’t mean I would take any less joy in an adopted child. But still I will miss these things.
-As a woman I always wanted to experience pregnancy and giving birth. While I know it’s a difficult thing I do think it’s a beautiful, irreplaceable thing. I am grieving the possibility that I may never experience it. Sometimes it makes me feel like less of a woman.
-Some of the pain comes from other people’s prying or insensitive comments. These things can make one feel exposed or not “normal” because we don’t fit into the mold that most of our married friends do.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

-It makes me sad that I may never have a child with my husband’s eyes or his quirky traits. It doesn’t mean I would take any less joy in an adopted child. But still I will miss these things.

There is no guarantee of any of the above with a biological child. OTOH, adopted children can pick up parental traits. Example: The only person more outgoing, uninhibited, and caring than my wife is my youngest daughter.

-As a woman I always wanted to experience pregnancy and giving birth. While I know it’s a difficult thing I do think it’s a beautiful, irreplaceable thing. I am grieving the possibility that I may never experience it. Sometimes it makes me feel like less of a woman.

I know nothing of this firsthand, naturally, but my wife does, since he has had both biological and adopted children. She states there is no difference, but I certainly understand that people could react differently.

-Some of the pain comes from other people’s prying or insensitive comments. These things can make one feel exposed or not “normal” because we don’t fit into the mold that most of our married friends do.

Some people engage their mouths before they engage their brain. But then again, if it wasn’t about this, it would probably be about another subject. They key is not to be upset about it.

 

[lovedance4ever]

I do not have first hand experience with this as I am 19 and unmarried. However, I felt a need to respond, because my parents went through the same thing. They thought they would never be able to have a child…but I came along when they were 40!

There are natural supplements that help with infertility; I know that is what helped my parents. I’d suggest making an appointment at a health food store and ask to speak with a specialist. I am sure that he or she will be able to point you in the right direction, if that is something you are willing to do.

In the meantime, I will keep you in my prayers.

God bless you and your husband,

lovedance4ever