Felt relatives were being presumptuous

[fin]

Those who frequent the prayer intentions section might have seen the prayer request for my Mom who had a stroke a little more than a month ago. This happened out of town, and suffice to say it’s been stressful and nerve wracking for me, and for us in general. I had no idea that my Lent this year was going to be this way. Mom is at home now thanks be to God.

Anyway, we were discussing the schedule when she could fly home. Her doctor already signed the clearance that she could take the plane, and we really made sure of that. We wanted her to get home soon because my aunt and sister took care of her over there, and it was difficult because it wasn’t our own place and there were a lot of limitations.

When my mom’s other siblings found out that we were planning to have her fly home, they said that we should wait after another month or even a couple of months. They did some research on the Internet that it’s not safe for stroke patients to fly immediately. They also consulted with some local doctors, one who said she should fly after two months, one said after a year.

One weekend the three of them went over to our house to convince us to not let Mom fly home. After the discussion my Dad felt rather irritated and offended. I wasn’t present during the conversation, so I asked one of my siblings what they talked about. She said that yes, they were rather harsh and said things that were out of line, for example,

my Dad had reservations about flying there to accompany Mom back home, because he felt that he could potentially be a liability instead of helping out, in the event that something happened to him. I’ll have to agree with him, since he’s also advanced in age. However when he presented his concern, uncle said something like, no no you’re going to be fine, nothing’s going to happen, what could possibly happen to you? He even suggested that I resign from work to look after Mom over there, because what’s more important, my work or my Mom? My dad and siblings were scoffing and laughing at the idea when they told me about it.

My aunt who look after Mom for the most part (she flew there back and forth) asked my sister who accompanied Mom, why didn’t your Dad come fetch her? She said that if it were her husband, he would have done so immediately (I wanted to say that her husband was already retired several years ago and isn’t even retirement age yet, so he has all the time in the world; but I just realized this in hindsight). My sister told her what the doctor they consulted with here advised, that is, Dad shouldn’t be the one to go there, and that we ourselves advised him against going there. The doctor even told my sister to look after Dad.

My aunt’s reason was that she knew someone who is already in his/her eighties and still flies alone. When my sister told me this, I couldn’t help but scoff. Haven’t they learned from the incident? And why do they insist that Dad should be the one there (because he’s the husband)? If only I could answer, so what? Just because other people do it doesn’t mean that we should too. If anything, this incident is a lesson to us to be more careful (like having a check up before traveling!), and not to take one’s physical condition for granted, but I guess they don’t get it.

 

[AussieTrish]

Prayers for your family, in particular for your mother and father, as it is your mother who is ill and her husband who is frail and worried.
May God grant your family wisdom, charity, respect, and peace.

 

[Cricket2]

They are being presumptuous and need to mind their business. Let them know that you and your father can handle the care of your mother just fine, without all their (name removed by moderator)ut “thank you very much.” Believe me when I say, they will continue to give you plenty of unsolicited advise along the way. Been there and had it done.

When things were good, no one had anything to say, but let one thing go wrong and wow the whole country would show up with comments, suggestions and critiques. If your mom and dad have not set up a Will they best get it done now. Just a thought…because when one of them does pass all those relatives will come out of the wood work again for “their share.” Been there with that type too.

 

[Archaeopteryx]

I think the relatives in question were out of line in what they said. At the same time I’d like to caveat that by saying this could be a byproduct of fear and/or a sense of helplessness on their part. It’s hard to deal with things that are out of our control, and a lot of us cope by behaving uncharitably or irrationally. So perhaps they’re dealing with their anxiety by attempting to exert some control over the situation, and one of the few ways they can really do that is by trying to micromanage you.

 

[Xantippe]

I’d go with, “We’re following Mom’s doctor’s advice. Thanks for your concern.”

fin said:

“My aunt’s reason was that she knew someone who is already in his/her eighties and still flies alone.”

Flying is TERRIBLE for older people now because of security issues (pace makers, adult diapers, insulin pumps, various health stuff that looks like bombs on the security screening, the struggle to handle bags and shoes at security, etc.). My grandparents are in their late 80s/early 90s, and they can’t stand flying. They’ll only get on a plane in case of direst necessity (my grandpa’s hoping to go to a 70th anniversary of the Normandy Invasion, but that’s probably it). Flying is miserable enough for healthy younger people.