Female friend coming on to me

[lovedance4ever]

I’m facing quite a painful problem right now, and I am not sure what the good, moral decision would be.

Most of my life (I’m 21 now), I’ve struggled with loneliness and not having many friends, if any at all. The friends that I do have tend to be much older than I, as I’ve just always seemed to get along better with older adults.

Anyway, I have a number of musculoskeletal issues (fibromyalgia, herniated discs, etc) and the one thing that has really proven to work, is deep tissue massage. It’s not a luxury…trust me…it can be very painful at times; but the regular adjustments keep the pain to a minimum and allow me to carry on a fairly normal life. So I put money aside every week to go see a deep tissue massage therapist, who has been a friend of my family for the past 10 years.

At any rate, she is a lesbian and quite open about her lifestyle. She is a wonderful woman in so many ways, and I have always prayed that the Lord would lead her to the truth, and help her resist those temptations. But other than praying for her, I otherwise enjoyed the friendship we had, and tried to not think much of it…until recently.

The past few months I’ve felt like she’s been coming on to me. She’s made some remarks about my body and how she likes it, referring to me as “hot” and “sexy.” I just laughed and brushed it off. But two weeks ago after I saw her, while we were just shooting the breeze, she told me I had lint on my shirt and reached to brush it off. When she did, she ran her hand quite obviously down my breast. I was horrified, but as stupid as this sounds, I didn’t say a word to her. I just pulled away, made an excuse, and left. There have been similar instances since then…she even told me that her “girlfriend” saw her looking at my pictures on facebook, and accused her of having some kind of a fling with me. She said it like it was funny, and I responded by saying that I hope she cleared things up, because it simply was not true.

I just do not know what to do. She NEVER used to act this way with me and has always, always, always been professional. She also helps me a great deal with my physical ailments. Additionally, there is no other deep tissue therapist in my area. If I stop seeing her, I will be completely out of luck. I guess I could try another route like physical therapy, or acupuncture, but funds are limited and the only reason I have been able to go for massages is because she gives friends a discount.

On the other hand, I know what she is doing is wrong and I do not want to lead her on, or to get myself into a bad situation. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, attracted to the same sex.

I’m heartbroken that this is happening. I know she is struggling with a lot of depression and loneliness herself, so I’m wondering if that is resulting in her acting in ways she would not normally act.

I also know I am not handling myself well. I’m going through quite a bad bout of anxiety, depression, and questioning of my faith. It’s been incredibly difficult to pray, and I feel abandoned and alone. But I’m still trying my best to be a good Catholic, though I’m feeling very numb.

At any rate…I guess I need some advice. Morally, do I need to cut off contact with her? Or am I overreacting? What’s the right thing to do?

 

[Viki63]

You haven’t done anything wrong.
I would put the onus on her. I would be honest, and say, “You know, I really appreciate the way you’ve been able to help me with my pain and physical problems. And I value your friendship very much. But it seems like maybe you thought it was more than friendship. If this is a problem for you, I can stop coming.”
That makes your position clear, and gives her a chance to deny any attraction. Or she could admit it, but you’ve made it clear that you’re not interested.
I would continue to go for the massage you need. If she does anything in the future that makes you uncomfortable, you can just say, “That makes me uncomfortable.”
And continue to pray for her.

I don’t know why you would need to cut off contact with her. We all need to control ourselves around people we are attracted to, but who are not appropriate for us.

 

[Elena321]

This isn’t really much of a Catholic answer but if it was me I’d maybe start mentioning men that I liked and if that didn’t give her the hint then maybe say to her your flattered but you dont feel that way about her or you like guys or whatever.
Providing it wouldn’t come between the friendship,I’d also consider seeing someone else for massage because if she’s thinking your sexy each time she massages you couldn’t that complicate things further maybe.
Maybe look at it in the same way as how between doctors and patients their should be no romantic relationship while the person is a patient.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

Maybe God is answering your prayers for her and using you to begin the conversation with her to lead her out of the lesbian way of life. Or, maybe she is flirting with you because she is having feelings for you. It’s ok to ask, and it is ok to not get involved with her on a romantic level if that is what she is looking for. Many who claim a gay lifestyle are actually just looking for acceptance and she feels comfortable around you.

How much older than you is she?

 

[Dorothy]

It appears that you are a source of temptation to her; and you have received a few “red flags.”

It seems to me that the best thing to do is explain your concern, and get another masseuse.

May our Lord Jesus Christ be with you on your journey!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m facing quite a painful problem right now, and I am not sure what the good, moral decision would be.

Most of my life (I’m 21 now), I’ve struggled with loneliness and not having many friends, if any at all. The friends that I do have tend to be much older than I, as I’ve just always seemed to get along better with older adults.

Anyway, I have a number of musculoskeletal issues (fibromyalgia, herniated discs, etc) and the one thing that has really proven to work, is deep tissue massage. It’s not a luxury…trust me…it can be very painful at times; but the regular adjustments keep the pain to a minimum and allow me to carry on a fairly normal life. So I put money aside every week to go see a deep tissue massage therapist, who has been a friend of my family for the past 10 years.

At any rate, she is a lesbian and quite open about her lifestyle. She is a wonderful woman in so many ways, and I have always prayed that the Lord would lead her to the truth, and help her resist those temptations. But other than praying for her, I otherwise enjoyed the friendship we had, and tried to not think much of it…until recently.

The past few months I’ve felt like she’s been coming on to me. She’s made some remarks about my body and how she likes it, referring to me as “hot” and “sexy.” I just laughed and brushed it off. But two weeks ago after I saw her, while we were just shooting the breeze, she told me I had lint on my shirt and reached to brush it off. When she did, she ran her hand quite obviously down my breast. I was horrified, but as stupid as this sounds, I didn’t say a word to her. I just pulled away, made an excuse, and left. There have been similar instances since then…she even told me that her “girlfriend” saw her looking at my pictures on facebook, and accused her of having some kind of a fling with me. She said it like it was funny, and I responded by saying that I hope she cleared things up, because it simply was not true.

I just do not know what to do. She NEVER used to act this way with me and has always, always, always been professional. She also helps me a great deal with my physical ailments. Additionally, there is no other deep tissue therapist in my area. If I stop seeing her, I will be completely out of luck. I guess I could try another route like physical therapy, or acupuncture, but funds are limited and the only reason I have been able to go for massages is because she gives friends a discount.

On the other hand, I know what she is doing is wrong and I do not want to lead her on, or to get myself into a bad situation. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, attracted to the same sex.

I’m heartbroken that this is happening. I know she is struggling with a lot of depression and loneliness herself, so I’m wondering if that is resulting in her acting in ways she would not normally act.

I also know I am not handling myself well. I’m going through quite a bad bout of anxiety, depression, and questioning of my faith. It’s been incredibly difficult to pray, and I feel abandoned and alone. But I’m still trying my best to be a good Catholic, though I’m feeling very numb.

At any rate…I guess I need some advice. Morally, do I need to cut off contact with her? Or am I overreacting? What’s the right thing to do?

SSA’s want “equality” Well here it is. What she did to you was sexual misconduct. If a man touched your breasts on purpose he would be “punched, fired, and perhaps arrested.”

This person is dangerous. As dangerous as a man who will not take no for an answer. Get away.

 

[Irishmom2]

What would you do if everything were the same except that she was a man?

Would you continue going there for treatment? Would you say nothing about being touched? Would you laugh off any inappropriate comments and not say anything?

You need to speak up clearly for yourself. Give her one chance to act professionally and if she can’t do that, then you need to go elsewhere.

 

[religioussoup]

If I were you, I would talk to her and tell her how this is making you slightly uncomfortable. But TALK TO HER, don’t just tell her off. Ask her if she’s been doing the things she has on purpose. Tell her that you just don’t feel the same way, and since she’s been a friend of your family for as long as you say, maybe you owe it to her to help her out. Not only will it help her, but I assure you that it will also help you. Make sure she is mentally well and let her know that you are there to help, as she has helped you through therapy.

 

[MJJean]

For some reason I’ll probably never figure out, gay and bisexual women have been hitting on me since I was about 16. It boggles me because I am not even a little bi. I usually handle it the same way I handle a man I am not interested in hitting on me. I make it into a joke in such a way that said man should get the hint that I am not into him. If that fails I go on to the
“I’m flattered, but…” If even that fails, which is rare, I just simply stop talking to and hanging out with the man.

In your situation, because she is a friend and the only deep tissue masseuse in the area, I might skip step one and go right to step two.

“I really value our friendship and I also value the professional relationship we have had over these last months/years. But I’ve kind of had the feeling you may be interested in more than friends. I just wanted to clear the air and say that I am flattered, but I am not gay and cannot return any feelings above and beyond friends. If I’m wrong, whew! If I’m right I hope we can still be friends and that you’ll still be my masseuse.”

 

[camerong]

One thing I’ve noticed is that individuals with SSA sometimes seem to have a poor sense of boundaries when it comes to these kinds of things, i.e., doing something that would be highly inappropriate for a member of the opposite sex. I had a gay friend, who sent me a facebook message (talking about Catholic things, nonetheless!) which ended in “P.S. You’re still hot .” This was after I had been married for several years, so obviously I wasn’t interested. This individual is a great guy, he knows and likes my wife, so I don’t think he was trying to hit on me or make me feel uncomfortable, I just think this is one way he has learned to show affection. This seems to mirror the experience of several others who have replied.

I offer this thought mainly to show you that this woman may not actually my coming on to you, but just have a warped sense of showing affection and what is appropriate. She probably has grown up being able to touch and compliment her female friends in a way that no male could do, and perhaps has become used to this kind of thing.

Perhaps just saying “I’m really sorry, I know you don’t mean anything by it when you talk about me that way, but it makes uncomfortable. Would you mind not talking that way?” If it is just a strange type of expression like I mentioned above, that may be the end of the problem.

 

[on_the_hill]

This person is dangerous. As dangerous as a man who will not take no for an answer. Get away.

But lovedance4ever didn’t make her feelings clear yet. There was no “no” for an answer.

OP-- I think you need to tell her in clear but nice terms, something along the lines of, “I feel a little embarrassed to say this, but I’ve been sensing that you are acting differently around me. Maybe I’m completely wrong, and if I am please let me know. But I feel like you’re becoming attracted to me in a way that makes me uncomfortable. I’m not attracted to women in the way you are…”

You have to be clear with her. Don’t worry about hurting her feelings, because if you’re not clear it might be taken as if you’re ‘playing hard to get.’ That will hurt her more.

 

[on_the_hill]

One thing I’ve noticed is that individuals with SSA sometimes seem to have a poor sense of boundaries when it comes to these kinds of things,

I don’t think that’s the case. I think everyone has to make his/her intentions known. It’s just that the 97 or 98 percent of us who are straight don’t get alarmed when someone of the opposite sex shows an interest in us. When it comes from a lesbian or gay man, it sets off alarms and we’re a lot more sensitive and wary.

I’ve seen guys hit on women, I’ve been hit on by men. You can say it’s all inappropriate, but I wouldn’t say it’s worse among gays.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I don’t think that’s the case. I think everyone has to make his/her intentions known. It’s just that the 97 or 98 percent of us who are straight don’t get alarmed when someone of the opposite sex shows an interest in us. When it comes from a lesbian or gay man, it sets off alarms and we’re a lot more sensitive and wary.

I’ve seen guys hit on women, I’ve been hit on by men. You can say it’s all inappropriate, but I wouldn’t say it’s worse among gays.

she told me I had lint on my shirt and reached to brush it off. When she did, she ran her hand quite** obviously** down my breast. I was horrified,

You know, ordinarily I would agree but the above quote shows an aggressive behavior. I make my comment not based on sexual orientation but in spite of it. A man, who did the same thing to an adult woman would have physical and occupational, and perhaps legal repercussions.
“Copping a feel” as harmless and 1950s as that sounds can indeed be a form of sexual assault. As it should be.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

I second Hoosier Daddy and Dorothy’s posts.

The part where you said her girlfriend saw her looking at your facebook photos?   That is a serious red flag.  You can't keep letting this person be your masseuse without expecting something else to occur.

How you can separate the physical touch of the deep tissue massage and the fact that she’s touched you inappropriately is beyond me. This person has done wrong to you and its pretty much made clear she has a thing for you. I know you want to keep trying to give this person excuses because you benefit from the long term relationship by the health procedure she provides, but after all you’ve said, you need to stop giving her the benefit of the doubt.

If you keep going to her, it may be a sign in her mind that you don’t mind her attentions. You will have to find another masseuse.

 

[Jeanne_S]

You haven’t done anything wrong.
I would put the onus on her. I would be honest, and say, “You know, I really appreciate the way you’ve been able to help me with my pain and physical problems. And I value your friendship very much. But it seems like maybe you thought it was more than friendship. If this is a problem for you, I can stop coming.”
That makes your position clear, and gives her a chance to deny any attraction. Or she could admit it, but you’ve made it clear that you’re not interested.
I would continue to go for the massage you need. If she does anything in the future that makes you uncomfortable, you can just say, “That makes me uncomfortable.”
And continue to pray for her.

I don’t know why you would need to cut off contact with her. We all need to control ourselves around people we are attracted to, but who are not appropriate for us.

This!

 

[CatholicRaven]

It sounds like she’s testing your boundaries, to see how you respond. There’s also the possibility she thinks you might be “in the closet,” and that if she continues to touch you and hit on you, you might become more comfortable with it.

You can only control your own behavior, not hers, but it sounds like you have not made it at all clear to her that you are not interested and that you don’t like this behavior–perhaps not even hinted that this is unwanted behavior (since you didn’t respond in a negative way to an obviously sexual touch). We women are often taught that we should be “nice” to a fault, avoid conflict, and should not show our real feelings at the expense of other people’s feelings. Sometimes this actually works in our favor and keeps us safe. But sometimes, it only makes things worse in the long run, because “no negative response” can be seen as a positive response–the person may think you see it as normal, acceptable behavior; or even that you are encouraging it to continue because you like it, but are too shy or embarrassed to say so.

Being “nice” and worrying about hurting her feelings is not the right approach here, because unless you are HONEST with her, you will hurt her more in the long run.

I’m not saying you should be mean, but you do need to be clear about how you want to be treated, because she cannot read your mind and she may think you are perfectly okay with what she’s done so far–and that’s not the truth.

I’d suggest contacting her outside your therapy session, with the intent to clear things up and maintain the friendship, and think about how to respond next time, so that you are prepared. Draw your boundaries, and when she gets too close to those boundaries (or crosses them), you need to let her know immediately that you don’t like it (pull away from her touch, or say something, or both).

If you are clear that you don’t like it and she still doesn’t stop or she does it again anyway, you definitely want to get away and stay away; that kind of disrespect could lead to some dangerous situations.

 

[Havard]

The therapist/friend’s behavior is way beyond unprofessional, it’s harassment. You don’t grope clients, constantly tell them how hot their body is, and confess to them that you’re looking at photos of them on Facebook. If a male therapist did this to her, I wouldn’t doubt that she’d report it.

 

[MJJean]

The therapist/friend’s behavior is way beyond unprofessional, it’s harassment. You don’t grope clients, constantly tell them how hot their body is, and confess to them that you’re looking at photos of them on Facebook. If a male therapist did this to her, I wouldn’t doubt that she’d report it.

On what grounds? They have a friendship outside of the professional client-masseuse relationship and the OP hasn’t indicated the attention is unwanted. As far as the masseuse is concerned she isn’t hitting on a client, she is hitting on a friend. Which is what one does when they have a romantic interest in a friend. They hit on them and hope for a positive response.

This situation is one of the reasons why it’s not a good idea to blur the lines between a professional and a personal relationship.

It seems like the masseuse has been dropping hints and escalating her behavior over time to let the OP know she is interested in her romantically. The OP hasn’t explained to her in clear terms that she is not interested. The masseuse hasn’t done anything wrong here…yet.

Now, if the OP tells her she is not interested in a romantic relationship and the behavior continues then she has a case for being harassed.

 

[iepuras]

Is your friend a licensed massage therapist? What she is doing is not only unprofessional but likely against the code of conduct of the licensing board. She could lose her license (and income) over this behavior. I agree that it is also sexual harassment. I suggest you tell her how unprofessional she is and find another massage therapist. You may not be able to receive as much therapy as you would like but at least you will have a professional who will not harass you and take advantage of your friendship.

 

[Captain_America]

It appears that you are a source of temptation to her; and you have received a few “red flags.”

It seems to me that the best thing to do is explain your concern, and get another masseuse.

May our Lord Jesus Christ be with you on your journey!

Solid advice.