Female Room-mate?

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I plan on moving in with a female room-mate but several people have told me that this is immoral. Me and the girl have been friends for a couple years but nothing more than that. I understand “near occasions of sin” but we have no attraction towards each other. It’s simply an economical living arrangement. Is this wrong?
 
Unwise, certainly. You may have no feelings now, but things change in a live-in relationship of any sort. It may also give scandal, as it appears to the outside world that you’re living in sin.

It’s always been my feeling that it can be possible for such a relationship to be carried off without sin, but it is so difficult that it should only be attempted in the most dire need. However… it’s not automatically a sin as far as I’m aware, so it’s a matter left to your prudential judgement.

I think.
 
automod said:
I plan on moving in with a female room-mate but several people have told me that this is immoral. Me and the girl have been friends for a couple years but nothing more than that. I understand “near occasions of sin” but we have no attraction towards each other. It’s simply an economical living arrangement. Is this wrong?
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You do not state in your post that you are a man, but that seems to be the implication. If you are a woman, then as long as you do not otherwise behave scandalously, this should not be a problem.
 
I think I read somewhere that the Church would generally consider this kind of situation to be a cause for scandal to people who don’t know the details of the arrangement. Or something like that.
 
I’m afraid they’re right, the combination of near occasions of sin (she steps out of the shower unexpectedly, or you see her laundry, or she trips and falls on you) and scandal caused to others make this a no-no.

Even between two friends who have developed a platonic relationship over a period of years, sticking a man and a woman in the privacy of a shared apartment for an extended time is just asking for trouble. Even if they manage (with heroic difficulty or none at all) to maintain purity, the scandal dealt to others (even neighbours, who will be quick to assume that you’re just another live-in couple) is sinful.

I don’t want to come off as a haughty, judgmental stranger from the internet but please seriously consider finding another man, even if it’s a friend of a friend, before bunking with this (doubtless fine, upstanding) female friend of yours.
 
It totally depends on you and her. A word of warning, however…

When I was at college, I had to find new accomodation quite quickly and took a room in a house with a male student who had been in my circle of freinds for the past year. We had never been anything but freinds and as we got on really well, we were both looking froward to sharing a house.

Before the term was out, we had become romantically involved - and then un-involved:rolleyes: Looking back, we were both quite immature. I know I did not want a full, sexual relationship and I suspect he didn’t really feel ready either (we didn’t have intercourse btw) I think having kissed, shared a bed etc., and actually living in the same house made us both feel very pressurised and it was not a healthy atmosphere to be in.

I had my faith (wasn’t quite as strong then, addmitedly) to justify taking things slowly, but to him, in his secular thought process, as we were already living together, I suppose he felt he somehow ‘ought’ to be pushing things along, despite being a basically decent bloke - because without a set of moral values that prohibit sex before marriage and without a moral belief that contraception is wrong - what secular reasons did he have to say no?

Anyway, we ended up falling out and it took a few months before we were really friends again. I think we were both pretty embarrassed by the whole episode:( No real harm done and it actually probably made us both think more deeply about what a relationship really entails. Neither of us lived together pre-marriage (well, I’m still not married, but he is) so we did learn from our mistake! I certainly don’t beat myself up about being young and a bit silly - but at the time it was very hurtful for both of us when it all went pear-shaped and I would caution anyone in the same situation!

On another note, I’ve seen the term ‘cause for scandal’ on these fora a few times now. Surely it is the truth that matters? If other people choose to speculate over the nature of a relationship (or any other situation) then they are the ones, in my opinion, who are at fault if the relationship is, in fact, totally innocent. The whole phrase ‘cause for scandal’ gives me visions of twitching lace curtains and gossips!

It is sad reflection of today’s secular society that male/female friendships attract so much negative attention. Friendship is a wonderful gift, to be nurtured and treasured. Friendships ought to be respected, not condemned over a ‘what if’? Love (in its widest sense) is a gift from God to be shared, not withheld in case a third party deems the recipient unworthy:confused:

What if Jesus had decided being seen talking to paralytics, tax collectors, prostitutes and lepers was ‘cause for scandal’?
 
I have seen a number of these living situations when I was younger, and I can’t remember one of them remaining platonic. One of you will get lonely, need comforting because of a personal crisis, have a bad break-up, etc., and so it begins.

Were I you, I would pray hard about this before making a decision.

EspositoJoe
 
I’ve seen this work a couple of times, but I really think it’s wise to do it only if you’re SURE SURE SURE that NEITHER of you has any feelings for the other.
 
Well to be honest, I don’t think it is such a big deal. And I don’t believe it is even impossibly difficult either. When you don’t have feelings for someone, then you don’t have feelings for them. It doesn’t mean that just because your flatmate is a woman you will feel this undeniable urge to jump into bed with her.

Personally I struggle with the “occassion to cause scandal” part, especially in this situation. Because even though the OP and his possible flatmate maintain a purely platonic relationship, the outside world (more so the Christian world) assumes that there is “scandal”. Surely if that is the case, there is some serious “judging” going on. To be honest I think the secular world would probably just assume that it is a guy and girl flatting together. :confused:

I don’t understand why people naturally jump to the wrong conclusion and have permission to judge somebody. If someone walked in and out of a store, surely it would be wrong to judge them with shoplifting just because the temptation is there.

From personally experience i have flatted with shared houses (guys lived there too). I’ve travelled a lot and had to move lived in many different parts of the world, I’ve even had to share in a mixed dorm before and there was no certainly no scandal involved.

I think the OP should trust in his own heart, if his flatmate is a great friend then flatting together can be a fantastic experience. I would be careful though sometimes sharing a house with a friend can ruin a friendship (male or female). Good luck
 
Toribus said:
I’m afraid they’re right, the combination of near occasions of sin (she steps out of the shower unexpectedly, or you see her laundry, or she trips and falls on you) and scandal caused to others make this a no-no.

Even between two friends who have developed a platonic relationship over a period of years, sticking a man and a woman in the privacy of a shared apartment for an extended time is just asking for trouble. Even if they manage (with heroic difficulty or none at all) to maintain purity, the scandal dealt to others (even neighbours, who will be quick to assume that you’re just another live-in couple) is sinful.

I don’t want to come off as a haughty, judgmental stranger from the internet but please seriously consider finding another man, even if it’s a friend of a friend, before bunking with this (doubtless fine, upstanding) female friend of yours.
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couldnt two males living together also be a cause for scandal ? all it would take is for someone who didnt know the situation to put two and two together and come up with six.
if the two people are confident enough in their friendship and trust one another then do it.
 
In this day and age with all of the wild situations going on, I never presume anything when I know of any two people of either sex living together.

I’ve known situations like these work out. In college, I had a very openly gay male roomate. I’m a man myself and not gay. For those of you who talk about giving scandal, are you saying that I was giving scandal by living with this man even though I had no interest whatsoever in his gay lifestyle?
 
AHapka said:
In this day and age with all of the wild situations going on, I never presume anything when I know of any two people of either sex living together.

I’ve known situations like these work out. In college, I had a very openly gay male roomate. I’m a man myself and not gay. For those of you who talk about giving scandal, are you saying that I was giving scandal by living with this man even though I had no interest whatsoever in his gay lifestyle?
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i would say it isnt you giving scandal but those who see things and make assumptions without knowing the true situation that would be causing possible scandal.
 
I have to say - I moved in with a guy and another girl. Beforehand I would’ve sworn that nothing would happen with me and the guy either. I was wrong.

Rethink the idea if you can.
 
Just the fact that its prudence behooves a question makes the wisdom of it possibly doubtful. The others are right. It may not be a temptation now, but the possibility of it becoming one exists. The Devil roams about as a lion seeking whom he may devour, and he may find just such an opportunity through this means. A sober consideration of Proverbs 6:27-28 may be in order: “Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned? Or can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched?”
 
Good morning, I’m needing to know on Church history. No.1. Under what positive and negative circumstances did early Christianity grow from a local Palestinian Messianic faith into a notable Empire-wide religion?
 
Let me tell you about the new rules on here…
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  3. Any rude and ignorant comments to others stating “You are not a true Catholic if you voted for Obama” will be accepted and is encouraged.
  4. God didn’t give you this conscience to use for yourself. You must substitute other peoples judgment for your own, and never question them, because their judgment is better.
  5. If you child someday asks you if they should use a condom, you should tell them “No, let yourself get HIV instead.”
 
automod said:
I plan on moving in with a female room-mate but several people have told me that this is immoral. Me and the girl have been friends for a couple years but nothing more than that. I understand “near occasions of sin” but we have no attraction towards each other. It’s simply an economical living arrangement. Is this wrong?
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When I came home from overseas, I loved in an apartment with 2 other males. We each had our own rooms, and there were 2 bathrooms. There weren’t any problems for 3 years, and it was a communal atmosphere. (Okay, we did have a problem with chores, but that’s not the kind of “problem” I mean.

In sharing living space, you really need lots of physical space. My husband and I rented out a bedroom to a female boarder for a year, and duriing a dinner party, she walked from her bathroom to ther bedroom in a towel. It was inconsiderate and rude, and in addition to issues with rent, she was out on her ear shortly after that. However, we have had boarders who were modest and always dressed, even if they thought no one was home. You need to be a person of such character, and expect the same from your roommate. All of these boundaries and ground rules need to be clear.

Many years before, I did live in a basement apartment with a gentleman who lived upstairs. It was good, because we hardly ever saw each other. I did speak to my parish priest at the time who stressed that although it was not immoral, it was important to make sure people didn’t get the wrong idea. That was easy, since we used seperate entrances and everyone in the neighborhood already knew that he rented out the dowstairs floor (kitchenette, bath, etc).

If you’re planning on sharing a room or bathroom (other than common areas), I would strongly recommend against it. And, everyone should know your living arrangement up front to avoid scandal.

I strongly recommend trying to find another person or two in on the deal, especially if you have the space. Is that possible?

God bless your decision, because it’s going to be tough to make either way!
 
automod said:
I plan on moving in with a female room-mate but several people have told me that this is immoral. Me and the girl have been friends for a couple years but nothing more than that. I understand “near occasions of sin” but we have no attraction towards each other. It’s simply an economical living arrangement. Is this wrong?
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Yes, it is wrong. Besides the fact that it is scandalous and harmful to another’s reputation, how do you know that your non-attraction will remain that way after you’ve lived with someone and possibly seen them getting out of the shower, getting dressed, in their robe or underwear, or whatever. Once you get to know someone intimately like that, it is more than likely that your feelings (or her feelings) could change.
 
automod said:
I plan on moving in with a female room-mate but several people have told me that this is immoral. Me and the girl have been friends for a couple years but nothing more than that. I understand “near occasions of sin” but we have no attraction towards each other. It’s simply an economical living arrangement. Is this wrong?
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It’s not allowable, because of the sin of scandal, and the near occasion of sin.

I recall reading a saint reproving an old man who was a priest, who desires to live with a woman (a nurse or housekeeper?) – despite the fact of age and protested incapability of sin, the saint condemned the arrangement utterly as obviously immoral because of scandal.

In other words, by living in such an arrangement you give the idea to others that it is appropriate to do so generally by your way of life, when in fact it is not. You become a bad example and stumbling block rather than a Christian model.

We live in a culture that accepts many things that God does not accept (even among people calling themselves Catholic). We have to remember that constantly and overcome this and acquire a genuine Catholic worldview, which does not include having mixed sex living arrangements among those who are not close family.

Ah, wait I have found the reference. It was Saint Basil the Great… I will cite it. The principles behind the statements the saint makes bear thought:

‘I have given patient attention to your letter, and I am astonished that when you are perfectly well able to furnish me with a short and easy defence by taking action at once, you should choose to persist in what is my ground of complaint, and endeavour to cure the incurable by writing a long story about it. I am not the first, Paregorius, nor the only man, to lay down the law that women are not to live with men. Read the canon put forth by our holy Fathers at the Council of Nicaea, which distinctly forbids subintroducts. Unmarried life is honourably distinguished by its being cut off from all female society. If, then, any one, who is known by the outward profession, in reality follows the example of those who live with wives, it is obvious that he only affects the distinction of virginity in name, and does not hold aloof from unbecoming indulgence. You ought to have been all the more ready to submit yourself without difficulty to my demands, in that you allege that you are free from all bodily appetite. I do not suppose that a man of three score years and ten lives with a woman from any such feelings, and I have not decided, as I have decided, on the ground of any crime having been committed. But we have learned from the Apostle, not to put a stumbling block or an occasion to fall in a brother’s way; (Romans 14:13) and I know that what is done very properly by some, naturally becomes to others an occasion for sin. I have therefore given my order, in obedience to the injunction of the holy Fathers, that you are to separate from the woman. Why then, do you find fault with the Chorepiscopus? What is the good of mentioning ancient ill-will? Why do you blame me for lending an easy ear to slander? Why do you not rather lay the blame on yourself, for not consenting to break off your connection with the woman? Expel her from your house, and establish her in a monastery. Let her live with virgins, and do you be served by men, that the name of God be not blasphemed in you. Till you have so done, the innumerable arguments, which you use in your letters, will not do you the slightest service. You will die useless, and you will have to give an account to God for your uselessness. If you persist in clinging to your clerical position without correcting your ways, you will be accursed before all the people, and all, who receive you, will be excommunicate throughout the Church.’

St. Basil the Great
 
aussie_jaz said:
couldnt two males living together also be a cause for scandal ? all it would take is for someone who didnt know the situation to put two and two together and come up with six.
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True, but it’s far more likely to have “issues” with a male-female roomate situation.

But to the OP’s question, bad idea, methinks, for such a situation. Less bad is three people sharing an apartment, duplex, house, whatever, one of the opposite sex, but it’s less likely to have “things happen” with a third person around, no?

I shared a duplex with another guy and a girl back in college for a while, and that worked out well, but I was engaged at the time.
 
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