Fetishes are breaking down my marriage

[lclark8307]

My husband and I recently completed our marriage enrichment classes in preparation for convalidating.

There are some issues in our relationship which I need some advice and support about and do not feel comfortable discussing with anyone I know.

I am having serious trust issues due to finding repeated personal ads my husband has posted looking to find people to participate in acts I will not do because they are sinful. He complains in his ads that I am boring. I have also found pornography on his computer. He wants me to dress like the women in the pornography he looks at. I have discussed with him that dressing like that makes me feel objectified and bad about myself. I feel that this ruins the sanctity of our marriage.I feel it is demeaning to him and myself.

Is my refusal to do certain things or wear slutty clothes causing him to sin ? Should I do these things to keep him faithful and not turn to porn or personal ads to meet his needs.

I love him dearly but am feeling very insecure about convalidation right now.Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

[CactusVsBaloon]

Talk it over with your spiritual father, believe me Im sure he has heard marital problems such as your own many, many times before.

Prayers said for you and your misguided husband.

In Jesus, Mary and Joseph

• Cactus

 

[alphawoman]

Do you have any children? If you aren’t validly married in the Church and have no children, I would not continue to be with a spouse actively seeking out infidelity. The situation becomes more difficult with children.

 

[1ke]

Is my refusal to do certain things or wear slutty clothes causing him to sin ?

No dear, you are not causing him to sin. He is sinning and then wanting to bring that sin into your marriage bed. YUK.

Should I do these things to keep him faithful and not turn to porn or personal ads to meet his needs.

a) You can never sin, even in pursuit of something you believe to be a good.
b) This will not stop his porn or personal ads.

I love him dearly but am feeling very insecure about convalidation right now.Any advice would be much appreciated.

DO NOT convalidate a marriage in such a state.

Talk to your priest about this.

He is doing things contrary to the essential properties of marriage (fidelity, perpetuity, fecundy) if he is seeking out partners in personal ads. A convalidation cannot occur while there are impediments to valid exchange of consent.

It doesn’t seem he is a practicing Catholic. I think you have a lot to consider going forward. Those behaviors are not acceptable, and could be dangerous to your health if he begins having sexual relationships with strangers from personal ads.

 

[Beryllos]

My husband and I recently completed our marriage enrichment classes in preparation for convalidating.

There are some issues in our relationship which I need some advice and support about and do not feel comfortable discussing with anyone I know.

I am having serious trust issues due to finding repeated personal ads my husband has posted looking to find people to participate in acts I will not do because they are sinful. He complains in his ads that I am boring. I have also found pornography on his computer.

There is so much wrong with this, I am not sure where to begin. It sounds like your husband does not understand marriage at all.

Please talk to a priest about this! I don’t know enough to say whether it makes sense to go ahead with convalidation. A priest could advise you better on whether convalidation at this point makes sense spiritually, considering that marriage is a sacrament, conferring grace upon spouses, witnessed and aided by Christ and all the Church, etc.

I have discussed with him that dressing like that makes me feel objectified and bad about myself. I feel that this ruins the sanctity of our marriage. I feel it is demeaning to him and myself.

You are quite right about that.

He wants me to dress like the women in the pornography he looks at… … Is my refusal to do certain things or wear slutty clothes causing him to sin? Should I do these things to keep him faithful and not turn to porn or personal ads to meet his needs.

No, you are not responsible. You are not the cause. (And you are not boring!) Doing those things would not satisfy him. It would not cause him to turn away from porn and impure thoughts. It would not keep him faithful.

I love him dearly but am feeling very insecure about convalidation right now. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Advice: Talk to a priest. Go slow on convalidation, or put it on hold until and unless things significantly improve.

You are in my prayers.

 

[Beryllos]

Do you have any children? If you aren’t validly married in the Church and have no children, I would not continue to be with a spouse actively seeking out infidelity. The situation becomes more difficult with children.

(The OP’s CAF profile states that she has three children and has “recently become an empty nester.”)

 

[Sugabee43]

I hate to say this, but I would most DEFINITELY insist on marital counseling before you take this marriage/relationship any further. From what I gather, you are legally married in the eyes of the state (correct?), but not in the eyes of the Church. But this type of behavior on the part of your husband is very troubling, and will NOT get better without therapy.

Another suggestion, since one or both of you are not familiar with Church teaching on marriage and the Sacrament, is to attend seminars or retreats based around the wonderful Theology of the Body series. You BOTH need to know thoroughly the mystical, sacramental nature of marriage and how disorders and sin affect it. Perhaps with more knowledge, your husband will understand better how extremely hurtful and WRONG his behavior and attitudes are.

Prayers to you and yours.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

No dear, you are not causing him to sin. He is sinning and then wanting to bring that sin into your marriage bed. YUK.

a) You can never sin, even in pursuit of something you believe to be a good.
b) This will not stop his porn or personal ads.

DO NOT convalidate a marriage in such a state.

Talk to your priest about this.

He is doing things contrary to the essential properties of marriage (fidelity, perpetuity, fecundy) if he is seeking out partners in personal ads. A convalidation cannot occur while there are impediments to valid exchange of consent.

It doesn’t seem he is a practicing Catholic. I think you have a lot to consider going forward. Those behaviors are not acceptable, and could be dangerous to your health if he begins having sexual relationships with strangers from personal ads.

Pretty much this.

This man does not seem ready to be involved in a serious marriage. Someone having a fetish does not give them license to be unfaithful to their spouse, or to engage in any kind of illicit sexual acts.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

My heart goes out to the OP. Anytime I read something like this I pray that it was easier to get people to see what a horrible and harmful effect material like this has on a marriage. Over the holidays I sat through a discussion about the looks and body parts of various media personalities and which of them the married guys at the table wanted to have sex with. I was the oddball, the one in the wrong for disagreeing with the conversation entirely, questioning why married men would even joke about such things and asking how their wives would feel about hearing them say those things. I agree with the others who recommend postponing convalidation until you can get some marital counseling.

 

[1ke]

My heart goes out to the OP. Anytime I read something like this I pray that it was easier to get people to see what a horrible and harmful effect material like this has on a marriage. Over the holidays I sat through a discussion about the looks and body parts of various media personalities and which of them the married guys at the table wanted to have sex with. I was the oddball, the one in the wrong for disagreeing with the conversation entirely, questioning why married men would even joke about such things and asking how their wives would feel about hearing them say those things. I agree with the others who recommend postponing convalidation until you can get some marital counseling.

Thank you, Gordon, for standing up for what is right. I am sure that is not easy. Women do it too-- mooning over stars like Brad Pitt or I guess now it’s Chris Hemsworth, Channing Tatum, and other younger ones.

I try to avoid that sort of talk, too, and it can be difficult for women and men alike who are striving for holiness. I mean, they did make **two **“Magic Mike” movies-- YUK-- and I know it wasn’t the men going to see these movies.

 

[GEddie]

ICXC NIKA, OP.

Take it to your priest before you go any further in the relationship.

No, you are never responsible for someone else sinning.

 

[GEddie]

Thank you, Gordon, for standing up for what is right. I am sure that is not easy. Women do it too-- mooning over stars like Brad Pitt or I guess now it’s Chris Hemsworth, Channing Tatum, and other younger ones.

I try to avoid that sort of talk, too, and it can be difficult for women and men alike who are striving for holiness. I mean, they did make **two **“Magic Mike” movies-- YUK-- and I know it wasn’t the men going to see these movies.

Magic Mike should be rated P for Purgatory!!!

ICXC NIKA

 

[bmaj]

My husband and I recently completed our marriage enrichment classes in preparation for convalidating.

There are some issues in our relationship which I need some advice and support about and do not feel comfortable discussing with anyone I know.

I am having serious trust issues due to finding repeated personal ads my husband has posted looking to find people to participate in acts I will not do because they are sinful. He complains in his ads that I am boring. I have also found pornography on his computer. He wants me to dress like the women in the pornography he looks at. I have discussed with him that dressing like that makes me feel objectified and bad about myself. I feel that this ruins the sanctity of our marriage.I feel it is demeaning to him and myself.

Is my refusal to do certain things or wear slutty clothes causing him to sin ? Should I do these things to keep him faithful and not turn to porn or personal ads to meet his needs.

I love him dearly but am feeling very insecure about convalidation right now.Any advice would be much appreciated.

I agree with several of the above posters that it would be real wise to speak with your Priest or spiritual adviser about this before continuing on with the convalidation procedure. You’re not causing him to sin, and you’re not boring! His sin is his own, whether he wants to believe that or not. Many husbands wrongfully put the blame on their wives for this type of issue. There’s also a support group here at CAF for wives whose husbands view pornography called, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity.” You or any other women reading this and going through a similar issue may wish to join. It’s helped me a lot in my marriage and might be beneficial to you as well.

No matter what, please speak with your spiritual adviser. My prayers are with you as you make any future decisions. Please take care.

 

[Lou2U]

My husband and I recently completed our marriage enrichment classes in preparation for convalidating.

There are some issues in our relationship which I need some advice and support about and do not feel comfortable discussing with anyone I know.

I am having serious trust issues due to finding repeated personal ads my husband has posted looking to find people to participate in acts I will not do because they are sinful. He complains in his ads that I am boring. I have also found pornography on his computer. He wants me to dress like the women in the pornography he looks at. I have discussed with him that dressing like that makes me feel objectified and bad about myself. I feel that this ruins the sanctity of our marriage.I feel it is demeaning to him and myself.

Is my refusal to do certain things or wear slutty clothes causing him to sin ? Should I do these things to keep him faithful and not turn to porn or personal ads to meet his needs.

I love him dearly but am feeling very insecure about convalidation right now.Any advice would be much appreciated.

1ke is 100% right. Do not get your marriage convalidated until you have worked through these issues with your husband.

Your husband has no right to demand these things of you. He is harming your self esteem and undermining you because he wants to be selfish with his own desires. To do these things will not stop him turning to porn or personal ads. It will damage his respect of you, and he will not treat you the way he should.

I recommend you talk to a Priest about his behaviour. You need to get some marital counselling before you continue with your convalidation, and your husband needs professional help with his addiction.

Do not think you have to accept this because he is your husband. You are his wife, and you deserve respect.

Lou

 

[Catholic1954]

My husband and I recently completed our marriage enrichment classes in preparation for convalidating.

There are some issues in our relationship which I need some advice and support about and do not feel comfortable discussing with anyone I know.

I am having serious trust issues due to finding repeated personal ads my husband has posted looking to find people to participate in acts I will not do because they are sinful. He complains in his ads that I am boring. I have also found pornography on his computer. He wants me to dress like the women in the pornography he looks at. I have discussed with him that dressing like that makes me feel objectified and bad about myself. I feel that this ruins the sanctity of our marriage.I feel it is demeaning to him and myself.

Is my refusal to do certain things or wear slutty clothes causing him to sin ? Should I do these things to keep him faithful and not turn to porn or personal ads to meet his needs.

I love him dearly but am feeling very insecure about convalidation right now.Any advice would be much appreciated.

Make an appointment with the priest who will do your convalidation and tell him what is really going on in your relationship with your husband. He will be in the best position to advise you. If you don’t want talk face to face, bring it up in confession. I would put the convalidation on hold until this issue is resolved. Your husband will have to vow, in front of God and witnesses, that he will forsake all others for you. Right now, it sounds like he does not intend to do that.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

Make an appointment with the priest who will do your convalidation and tell him what is really going on in your relationship with your husband. He will be in the best position to advise you. If you don’t want talk face to face, bring it up in confession. I would put the convalidation on hold until this issue is resolved. Your husband will have to vow, in front of God and witnesses, that he will forsake all others for you. Right now, it sounds like he does not intend to do that.

I’d only make one change. I wouldn’t bring this up in confession, I would make time to see the priest face to face. It may be uncomfortable, but if you bring it up in confession he can’t bring any of it up when you and your husband are meeting together with him.