FH away on business, reactions?

[mandajane]

My FH is away on a business trip this week. While I’m not flinging myself to the ground in tears, I do miss him. We usually see each other for most of the day every day, (we both work for the same business) and make it a point to at least have dinner together every day. Yesterday I was on the phone with him and mentioned that I missed him, and he reciprocated. I was in hearing range of his brother, who, after I got off the phone, informed me that we were too attached, and that we should distance ourselves from each other, as well as that we shouldn’t be getting married because we haven’t broken up and gotten back together yet.

It sounds (at least to me) like he’s trying to justify his own emotional distance from his girlfriend as the way a relationship should be, but I thought I’d ask, AM I out of whack here? Is it weird to speak to your fiance/spouse on the phone daily while they’re on a week long business trip? Should I act like my routine being messed up, which includes the absence of my best friend, doesn’t even irk me a little?

Just looking for some objective reality here.

 

[DexUK]

No… it is the sign of a close and loving bond between you that you should feel bereft at the lack of his presence and, crucially, that he does too.

Don’t listen to anyone else. You are reacting exactly as you should.

 

[Ellen_Mary]

No… it is the sign of a close and loving bond between you that you should feel bereft at the lack of his presence and, crucially, that he does too.

Don’t listen to anyone else. You are reacting exactly as you should.

I would pay no attention to his brother, especially if you and your future husband are both happy as you are. People like to put in their :twocents: and meddle. As you’re planning to get married soon I’d be more concerned if you didn’t miss your fiance while he’s away.

A good loving relationship withstands seperation and makes the return much longed for.
Your future brother-in-law sounds like he’s the one with the relationship problem so dont worry.

 

[PatriceA]

Perfectly right to miss your FH when separated and to tell each other so and to talk to each other at least once a day, if not more.

Watch out for future BIL, what he did is trying to undermine your relationship. I’d tuck this experience with his meddling ways in the back of my mind in case he tries it again, especially after you are married to his brother.

 

[Lorelei12]

Your fiance’s brother thinks that because you miss him when he’s gone you’re too attached? He is the weird one. No, it is not weird to speak on the phone daily when he’s away or to miss him.

Not having the one you love nearby is hard, even if it’s only for a short time. And it’s worse when you’re married! As a previous poster said, it would be more worrisome if you didn’t miss him. Your future brother in law is rude and should keep his thoughts about your impending marriage to himself.

 

[7armyrugrats]

Speaking as someone who is very often separated from my husband I can assure you that missing them is normal and necessary. Yes, you need to stay functional, but if you don’t wish to be with them when they are away you have no business in a relationship to begin with. Is this the first separation since your engagement? If so, in many ways it is the most difficult. You eventually find your footing and learn to balance the times of togetherness and apart effectively. In no way am I saying that the more time apart the easier it gets. In many ways it gets more difficult, but if you have a healthy relationship you will find balance. It sounds to me that you are functioning beautifully so just disregard the negatives people throw your way. Will your fiancé travel a lot on business after your marriage? If so, could it be possible his brother was trying to make you aware of the fact this will occur frequently so as to prepare you for that? I’m not defending him, it wasn’t his place to point anything like that out. But maybe he meant no harm.

 

[mandajane]

Thanks everyone. This isn’t our first separation since he proposed, it’s just been a long while since the last one (six months). I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t off kilter, as I know I do have abandonment issues because of my father.

And yes, FBIL’s relationship is terrible. They’ve broken up numerous times, he dates other women, but expects her not to date other men, and generally is very disrespectful to the girl in question.

Originally, I was supposed to go on this trip with my FH, but FBIL decided at the last minute that I would be a “distraction” to my FH (it’s a business trip, FBIL & FH own the business and I work as a manager), and insisted that FH leave me behind. Not trying to rock the boat, we agreed, and the person FBIL insisted go in my place has been disastrous, spending all his time drinking and gambling (they’re in las vegas) instead of attending seminars and networking.

 

[7armyrugrats]

Well, if it means anything to you, I’m right there with you. My husband just left for two weeks of training. I’ve been a grouchy mess with the kids. Usually two weeks is nothing–I’m used to having months apart, sometimes 12+ months. But he’s been home A LOT lately, so it’s harder this time. We can make through this, both you and me. But boy do I understand what you mean.

 

[Morwenna]

My FH and I speak on the phone at a bare minimum of twice a day, often more like 4 or 5 times a day (not always for very long at a time, but just say to “hi, thinking of you” or to share something funny that just happened, etc).

On the rare occasions that we’ve had to go a whole day without being able to talk, we both feel like it’s been eons since we had any contact.

So, I guess it’s a good thing your FH’s brother doesn’t know us, then … the poor guy would probably faint dead away!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Thanks everyone. This isn’t our first separation since he proposed, it’s just been a long while since the last one (six months). I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t off kilter, as I know I do have abandonment issues because of my father.

And yes, FBIL’s relationship is terrible. They’ve broken up numerous times, he dates other women, but expects her not to date other men, and generally is very disrespectful to the girl in question.

Originally, I was supposed to go on this trip with my FH, but FBIL decided at the last minute that I would be a “distraction” to my FH (it’s a business trip, FBIL & FH own the business and I work as a manager), and insisted that FH leave me behind. Not trying to rock the boat, we agreed, and the person FBIL insisted go in my place has been disastrous, spending all his time drinking and gambling (they’re in las vegas) instead of attending seminars and networking.

Do we have the same FBIL? Mine told FH that he shouldn’t marry me without seeing what else is out there and he thinks that we are “too together” because we talk every day when separated. And he conducts his relationship the exact same thing yours does. On again/off again, can’t commit etc.

My future BIL has a very strained relationship with us because of his attempts to undermine the relationship.

 

[underacloud]

My FH …

Your what?

I would pay no attention to his brother, especially if you and your **future husband **are both happy as you are.

Oh, OK. All these acronyms confuse me still.

Anyway, ignore your FBIL. He’s probbaly just jealous. Jealous of the attention his brother is giving you and not him, and jealous of how good a relationship you two have. That’s his problem, not yours. But as others have said, keep an eye on him.

And it’s great that you and FH are so close. Don’t let go of that.

 

[atheistgirl]

AM I out of whack here? Is it weird to speak to your fiance/spouse on the phone daily while they’re on a week long business trip?

Of course it’s not.

You love him, you’re used to being around him every day even at work, and I’d be seriously concerned for your relationship if you didn’t miss him.

Should I act like my routine being messed up, which includes the absence of my best friend, doesn’t even irk me a little?

Yes.

At work you need to keep a professional perspective on everything.

My husband is often away on business, and even after all these years, it still feels like my right arm is missing when he’s away.

But nobody I deal with in my businesses would even know.

For me, work is work and home is home, but I guess if you’re working with your future husband in the same business, that distinction might be a little difficult to maintain.

Sarah x

 

[Anglewannabe]

that we shouldn’t be getting married because we haven’t broken up and gotten back together yet.

.

Huh? Since when is part of marriage breaking up with your boyfriend and getting back together a requirement??? Sounds off base to me

However, I would strongly caution about a LOT of friction working in a family business. It will be all too easy for BIL to meddle in everything. I know it is a tough economy and one needs work wherever they can find it, but I also in order to save a marriage try to find work elsewhere if possible.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

My FH and I speak on the phone at a bare minimum of twice a day, often more like 4 or 5 times a day (not always for very long at a time, but just say to “hi, thinking of you” or to share something funny that just happened, etc).

On the rare occasions that we’ve had to go a whole day without being able to talk, we both feel like it’s been eons since we had any contact.

So, I guess it’s a good thing your FH’s brother doesn’t know us, then … the poor guy would probably faint dead away!

I wish I could get just one phone call a day. It seems like you are missing him in a healthy way. If he were going on a one week business trip and you were crying in your pillow daily, I would say that you may want to distance yourself. Saying, “I miss you,” on the phone and becoming excited when they call is perfectly normal.

 

[thomasf]

What is an FH? I hate these acronyms. Is it really that hard to type out the words, whatever they are?

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Huh? Since when is part of marriage breaking up with your boyfriend and getting back together a requirement??? Sounds off base to me.

My wife and I heard this a bunch when we were dating/engaged. While I’m somewhat glad to see our friends weren’t unique in spewing this garbage, I sympathize with mandajane for having to go through it. I didn’t get the concept then, and still think it’s stupid. Each of my friends who broke up as part of their courtship/engagement (whatever the reasons) have problems and fights with their spouses to this day over things that happened during the breakup period. I think the basic intended concept was that they’d never know their spouse was “the one” if they didn’t try out others, or they’d never know they really loved them if their relationship couldn’t come back from a breakup. What it tended to boil down to was a chance for each of them to sleep around one (or several) more times before the wedding. I don’t regret for a second that, unlike a few people I know, I didn’t go through this silly ritual and end up sleeping with my wife’s sister, best friend, worst enemy, etc.

As for missing your significant other while he’s away on business, it’s natural. I’d have to agree with the others who say that it sounds like your FBIL has issues.