Fiancé Looked at Porn While Thinking About Me

[Hayes91]

My fiancé has always been, honestly, “better” at chastity than me. We are less than 5 months from our wedding and there are a LOT of times when I want to be sexual with him and have to stop myself and my thoughts. I know maybe it doesn’t seem that way from the title, but he’s always honestly been the one to hold us accountable and encourage me that marriage will be so worth the wait. He’s a virgin, and I’m not, for reference, but I “gave up” that lifestyle a long time ago. We are both very devout.

I could tell something was wrong today when I called and asked how his day off was going. He lied and told me he was just tired—and he NEVER lies; he’s actually brutally honest usually, so now I feel extra betrayed.

He has just come to me and confessed that he was horny today and tempted by sexual thoughts of me. So what did he do? He apparently watched porn but, as if to make me feel better, said he was thinking of me. When I feel that way, I think ABOUT HIM—not about other men. Even when I’ve fallen prey to masturbation, I don’t look at anything; it’s only thoughts of him. My fiancé NEVER looks at porn, allegedly, and now I find myself wondering if that’s a lie too. He says it’s the first time in at least 5 years, longer than we’ve been together.

When we fight, I’m never the one to ask for space, but right after he told me, I left and said I needed time alone. I feel incredibly betrayed. I thought I’d finally found a man who really wasn’t going to watch porn. I gained about 20 pounds since we’ve been dating due to hormonal issues and I’m incredibly self-conscious of my body. He has now amplified that insecurity. I also wonder why, if he was tempted by me, did he turn to other women? I wouldn’t even think to do that. If I want him, I want HIM, not someone else.

Am I being unforgiving by shutting him out right now? After all, I’m tempted sexually too, and I’ve masturbated about him before in weak moments, always seeking confession as soon as I can after. I’m not proud of it. But I’d never turn to porn. It never interested me. I’m worried that these unrealistic images of other women’s bodies are going to fill his head and that I won’t be enough for him, that he will be mentally comparing me to them and that he will do it again. I’m devastated. What should I do?

 

[Anicette]

Sorry by what you live…

It is hard to consel you, but I want to make you aware that male sexuality and female sexuality is not the same.
Men are more “turned” by images than woman, who can just rely on their thoughts for arousal.
So, compared what you would never do and what he did is not the best approach.
He probably does not see it as if he cheated on you.

Yet, I understand your concern about that dirty images and scenes that can influence his way of behave in his future marriage.

 

[1ke]

I feel incredibly betrayed.

I’m also a woman and I’ve honestly never understood this sentiment.

Porn is wrong. Porn is bad. It’s tempting to many men. It’s readily available. And he succumbed to the temptation. IMHO it isn’t the end of the world. If he needs help, he should talk to his priest, or get an accountability partner.

Also I don’t think it’s healthy that you two are confessing your sins to each other this way. People sin. It’s not necessary to share everything with our spouse (or in this case fiancé).

 

[Legend]

If you weren’t healthy, young adults who were having sexual feelings toward each other, why would you be planning to marry? Yes, some ways of handling your desires are sinful, but, on the whole, if you didn’t have sexual feelings toward each other, you wouldn’t be planning, and looking forward to, your wedding day! I certainly hope that you have sexual feelings toward each other!

Maybe…along with following the suggestion you not ‘confess’ sexual (fantasy only, that is)feelings, desires, and actions to each other, you should try and give yourselves a break…you want to have sex, and you’re working towards one of the ways you can have that, without sin (marriage). Ultimately, that’s a large reason why you want to get married. So, keep up any ‘marriage prep’ discussions that you’re requested to have with your priest, and, you have a thought that may be ‘borderline’ sinful, just chalk it up to having to think about marriage so much, when you’re required to not do anything! Then, you can enter the married state without sin, and with just good feelings of anticipation towards each other. You deserve a little break from the deep questions you have been weighed down with…you don’t need them, anymore.

As you enter married life, what can I say, but

God Bless!

 

[Hoosier-Daddy]

Sometimes I’ve seen this and frankly been a part of a situation in which one tells this in an effort to try to elicit sexual relations. A “look what you made me do” type of manipulation. Be wary of that.
Tell your boyfriend that you are not his confessor and you dont have the power to forgive sins.

 

[QwertyGirl]

It is normal. Most men do this at at least some point(s) in their life. Now, whether it is moral or not is another question. Obviously, from your post, both of you seem to believe it is immoral. So go with that. But remember, it is still normal. It is nothing to have a huge carfluffle over.

Tell your boyfriend you don’t need to hear about his sexual sin. Why would you? If he decides to do something he feels in his heart is sinful, then that is on him. Sort of selfish for him to unburden himself by dumping on you, isn’t it? If he needs to unburden, Catholics have the perfect thing for that. Tell him to go to confession.

I don’t want to know everything about my husband. What I mostly don’t want to know is everytime he does something that goes against his conscience. It would be selfish for him to burden me with that. It would demonstrate a lack of maturity. Now if he is having a major issue in his life, and his decision to do wrong things are a component of that, then lets talk. But even then, I don’t need the details. It works for us.

 

[jvickers]

Am I being unforgiving by shutting him out right now?

You need time. This much is obvious.

Do you forgive him? That’s a question you should ask yourself and something you should strive to do if you’ve not done it. We are all human, after all. We are all sinners as well. We are called to forgive.

This is probably going to need to be a discussion you have with him - a very heartfelt discussion. I would not venture to recommend what you should say to him as only you know.

I’m devastated.

This is quite understandable and why you need space and time. Tell him you are hurt, if you’ve not done it already, and that you need time to come to terms.

Maybe talk to your priest as well. I am sure he will have good advice to give you.

 

[Hoosier-Daddy]

I’m going to disagree with some and say it is indeed a big deal and a betrayal. I also think you should consider your future and know how you might have to deal with this or bigger issues sexually once you get married. Many people assume that sexual issues or sins lessen with marriage. I’ve found this to be rately the case, in fact there is more stress on sexual morality and issues once married. Periodic abstinence, post partum abstinence, following a holy sex life in marriage is a struggle!

 

[Norseman82]

that he will be mentally comparing me to them and that he will do it again. I’m devastated.

Ironically, that is one of the things brought up regarding how male virgins feel when “unequally yoked” with a woman who is not, and they’re told to get counseling or they are immature/need to “grow up”.

He has now amplified that insecurity. I also wonder why, if he was tempted by me, did he turn to other women? I wouldn’t even think to do that. If I want him, I want HIM, not someone else.

Please keep in mind that his turn to another woman was only “mental” and involved no physical contact with her, whereas you actually physically united with another man. Have you asked him if this could be at the root of this?