Fiance angry cause i wont marry him

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Xantippe said:
I know for certain that an unmarried couple with your set of issues shouldn’t be living together, brother and sister or no brother and sister. You need to have the freedom to walk away if that is what you need to do, and that if you decide to end this relationship, it will be a heck of a lot harder to do that if you’ve bought furniture together already.

Talk to your priest, keep your independence (or get it back), and think long and hard if this relationship is taking you in the right direction.
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Agreed, 100%. These are warning signs. You don’t want an unhappy marriage!!! God Bless, Memaw
 
underacloud said:
I’m not sue I understand the question. He is your fiancé. A fiancé is someone you have agreed to marry. But you say he is angry because you won’t marry him. So how is he your fiancé?

You seem very confused. That is not a good state to be making important life decisions. What you need to do is stop cohabitating immediately, and then take time to properly consider your relationship and future.

PS You know full well that your priest is incorrect in approving your cohabitation. Every post you have written speaks clearly of this.
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I think the priest probably isn’t operating with full information. Probably the question posed to him was, “We have XYZ extremely difficult financial or personal situation (no money, no family, disabilities, whatever) and we’re getting married soon. Would it be a sin for us to live together before the wedding as brother and sister?”

I suspect that if you add, “Our relationship is rocky and I’m not sure we should marry and he’s pressuring me,” you’d get a very different answer.

Garbage in, garbage out.
 
Priscilla, you know the answer you are seeking.

You fiance is not ready to be married, and you should not marry him.
 
priscilla1714 said:
Will someone please shed some light on what an engaged couple preparing for precana should function like. My relationship is so dysfunctional right now and my fiance keeps putting pressure on marrying. He says i make him feel worthless and i have no respect of his wants. When truly, ALL I WANT is to follow Christ and live a life of Holiness. He hates that im seeking fellowship with Christ deeper because it makes him feel abandoned. Advice please. Another question, is it acceptable to be living together as catholic brother and sister and in chastity? Or is it wrong? Thank you for truthful guidance!
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Whoa, whoa, whoa. In all Christian love and compassion, you need to step away from relationships and work on yourself. In 2010 you were mid-divorce from an adulterous man, a 13 year marriage. In 2012 you were in a tumultuous relationship filled with mistrust and unpleasantness. And now…well, things really don’t seem any different.

For your sake, for the sake of your children (and grandchildren), you need to step back from these abusive relationships. Get a counselor and work hard. God doesn’t WANT you to be abused. Get AWAY from these men. In fact, get away from men period, until you’ve done enough personal work that you can stand up to secular pressures and choose good, Godly men.

Finally…have you completed the proper Catholic investigation on marriage? I don’t think, until you procure an annulment of some sort from your hierarchy, that you are able to take even step 1 on marriage prep with a priest…which sort of raises some questions here about the facts behind your posts. But I’ll leave that between you, your priest, God, and the mods at CA.

PLEASE find a safe place to go. PLEASE find a good counselor - they don’t have to cost a fortune. Even a support group for women would be a start…PLEASE.
 
KnitNut said:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. In all Christian love and compassion, you need to step away from relationships and work on yourself. In 2010 you were mid-divorce from an adulterous man, a 13 year marriage. In 2012 you were in a tumultuous relationship filled with mistrust and unpleasantness. And now…well, things really don’t seem any different.

For your sake, for the sake of your children (and grandchildren), you need to step back from these abusive relationships. Get a counselor and work hard. God doesn’t WANT you to be abused. Get AWAY from these men. In fact, get away from men period, until you’ve done enough personal work that you can stand up to secular pressures and choose good, Godly men.

Finally…have you completed the proper Catholic investigation on marriage? I don’t think, until you procure an annulment of some sort from your hierarchy, that you are able to take even step 1 on marriage prep with a priest…which sort of raises some questions here about the facts behind your posts. But I’ll leave that between you, your priest, God, and the mods at CA.

PLEASE find a safe place to go. PLEASE find a good counselor - they don’t have to cost a fortune. Even a support group for women would be a start…PLEASE.
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Yes!
 
Blessings to all! May the Holy Spirit descend and shine light to our hearts and minds to be open about this sensitive topic. i appreciate every thought and word that you have shared with me on this site. I am here to seek clarity and spiritual guidance from Godly men like yourselves, for i am too often faced with the same confusion and turmoil.
Let me reiterate my question, " how do i know if my fiance is the man that God wants me to marry?"
truth is, im confused, and he is a passive aggressive man with depression disorder. He can be a wonderful God fearing man when things are going on his terms. He’ll lead me to church, and share written scripture with me. i dont know how to tell if he IS a Godly man and IF HE IS THE man suitable for me. i have listened to our local priest in whom said “no way!” so off we went to a 2nd priest who is now telling us “YES!” We are cohabiting, remaining in a state of chastity. i go to frequent confession and visit the Most Blessed sacrament daily. It has been noticeable that during my lenten journey, i am THIRSTING for foundation of our faith and i burn to draw closer to God and desire to lead my 2 children (not with this man but from a previous unGodly marriage) to Holiness and be the Holy example for them. I now live for God and my purpose is to share my catholic faith with fallen brothers and sisters and to be of great charity to others. while he feels abandoned and unworthy and unloved because im too busy growing in my spiritual life, i feel the weight of his burdens on me. i am distracted from serving God because of his emotional and personal needs. I have been engaged to this same man for a decade now and though he too has grown in his faith and relationship with Christ, i still doubt whether he is a good man for me. most days, when things are going his way, are good and he behaves Christ like, but when things are on God’s time, he loses his temper, becomes livid and has anger explosions; kinda like an explosive disorder, in which terrifies me and my children. he is a good man but seriously has MAJOR psychological issues in which THE PRIEST SAID that we could still go into marriage and we resolve these issues out with God as ONE FLESH as husband and wife.
in our meetings with the priest, we were open about everything and specifically, i addressed my concerns about me not giving of myself freely and mistrusting this man big time because of past betrayals and pornography. He in turn said that i could find healing in frequent adoration and to keep pressing forward with marriage with this man. he suggested that he get on antidepressants, in which he did but hasnt been on his meds because he threw them out the window after i told him that they affected him drastically to the point that it messed with his persona. at times, i have felt like maybe i am being coerced by my own priest, because he seems to get frustrated and impatient with me in not making the decision he wants me to make, which is yes to marriage. he has shown his frustrations by taking the paper work in his hands and making sarcastic remarks about it sitting collecting dust. 😦
keep in mind, that there are no underlying issues like finances only that we have mentioned wanting to get married.
is he right in saying “this isnt about what the community thinks but about God. God knows that you all are living right”???
 
There’s no such thing as fixing someone by marying him. And the priest has no right to be pressuring you into anything. On the contrary, all the signs point to this being a very bad match for you and your children. Do you want your children at the mercy of a man with a violent temper? Think. What is more important, pleasing a mentally disturbed person or your children’s safety and well being? Leave him. Leave him now. Get on with life with your children. Concentrate on them and what they need over what this man wants. This match is NOT of God and no one can force you into marrying anyone. Listen to the first priest. He is right and the other one is wrong. No priest who uses sarcasm to force you to make decisions is thinking of your best interests. You know this is a bad situation, so remove yourself and your children from it ASAP.
 
Dear you need to leave this man ASAP. You also need to find a different priest at a different parish. If what you are saying is true, not only is this priest erroneous in his opinions of the catholic faith (for the are NOT the teaching of the church), he is also pressuring you to enter into an abusive relationship with a very sick man who needs help BEFORE he becomes a husband and father. This is coming from me, someone who has serious mental health issues herself. You need counseling and healing from a good therapist and a good priest. He needs the same. And if you are truly meant by God for each other, then after you both have all the therapy and consultation with a good (different) priest then you can resume dating then when you both experience enough healing and peace. For now God is asking you to separate and take care of yourself and your children without this guy in the picture.
 
priscilla1714 said:
… I now live for God and my purpose is to share my catholic faith with fallen brothers and sisters and to be of great charity to others. while he feels abandoned and unworthy and unloved because im too busy growing in my spiritual life, i feel the weight of his burdens on me. i am distracted from serving God because of his emotional and personal needs. I have been engaged to this same man for a decade now and though he too has grown in his faith and relationship with Christ, i still doubt whether he is a good man for me…
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After a decade of engagement, if you still have questions, then this is not the person for you.
 
Seriously. You’ve been engaged for TEN YEARS, but back in 2010 you were still married to someone else and mid-divorce? Ditto my prev remark re: bad relationship in 2012, too.

OP, your issues are far more complex than can be solved on an anonymous message board. There may be truth in there somewhere, perhaps. If so, GET OUT OF THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Your children should not be around this unstable man. (Does their dad know you’re endangering them like this? You should be seeking to protect them from your very bad situation.)

Regarding the priest…go back to the first one, you know he was right. Or contact your bishop. If the second priest is acting as you describe, the bishop needs to know. But in the meantime, do not continue to work with him.

BTW, how’d that annulment work out?
 
priscilla1714 said:
Blessings to all! May the Holy Spirit descend and shine light to our hearts and minds to be open about this sensitive topic. i appreciate every thought and word that you have shared with me on this site. I am here to seek clarity and spiritual guidance from Godly men like yourselves, for i am too often faced with the same confusion and turmoil.
Let me reiterate my question, " how do i know if my fiance is the man that God wants me to marry?"
truth is, im confused, and he is a passive aggressive man with depression disorder. He can be a wonderful God fearing man when things are going on his terms. He’ll lead me to church, and share written scripture with me. i dont know how to tell if he IS a Godly man and IF HE IS THE man suitable for me. i have listened to our local priest in whom said “no way!” so off we went to a 2nd priest who is now telling us “YES!” We are cohabiting, remaining in a state of chastity. i go to frequent confession and visit the Most Blessed sacrament daily. It has been noticeable that during my lenten journey, i am THIRSTING for foundation of our faith and i burn to draw closer to God and desire to lead my 2 children (not with this man but from a previous unGodly marriage) to Holiness and be the Holy example for them. I now live for God and my purpose is to share my catholic faith with fallen brothers and sisters and to be of great charity to others. while he feels abandoned and unworthy and unloved because im too busy growing in my spiritual life, i feel the weight of his burdens on me.** i am distracted from serving God because of his emotional and personal needs**. I have been engaged to this same man for a decade now and though he too has grown in his faith and relationship with Christ, i still doubt whether he is a good man for me. most days, when things are going his way, are good and he behaves Christ like, but when things are on God’s time,** he loses his temper, becomes livid and has anger explosions**; kinda like an explosive disorder, in which terrifies me and my children. he is a good man but seriously has** MAJOR psychological issues** in which THE PRIEST SAID that we could still go into marriage and we resolve these issues out with God as ONE FLESH as husband and wife.
in our meetings with the priest, we were open about everything and specifically, i addressed my concerns about me not giving of myself freely and mistrusting this man big time because of** past betrayals and pornography**. He in turn said that i could find healing in frequent adoration and to keep pressing forward with marriage with this man. he suggested that he get on antidepressants, in which he did but hasnt been on his meds because he threw them out the window after i told him that they affected him drastically to the point that it messed with his persona. at times, i have felt like maybe i am being coerced by my own priest, because he seems to get frustrated and impatient with me in not making the decision he wants me to make, which is yes to marriage. he has shown his frustrations by taking the paper work in his hands and making sarcastic remarks about it sitting collecting dust. 😦
keep in mind, that there are no underlying issues like finances only that we have mentioned wanting to get married.
is he right in saying “this isnt about what the community thinks but about God. God knows that you all are living right”???
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I have bolded several statements that, to me, send out huge red flags.

As you are Catholic. your obligation is to God first, not your fiancée. Your fiancée should not distract you from this, or “explode” if he feels ignored.

You say you have children. How old are they, and do they live with you? Children tend to emulate their parents’ relationships. They have seen you break up with their father, and then live with a man who scares them when he is angry. Is your ex in a relationship?

I would also stop asking your Priest for advice. He does not appear to be well educated in Catholic doctrine, and should not be showing you signs of disrespect or pressuring you into decisions. If there another parish you could join?

If I were you, I would leave this man. He appears to be incredibly unstable and is manipulating you. If you marry him, his behaviour will only grow worse. His behaviour is also affecting your children.

You have been engaged for ten years. In my opinion, if you still don’t feel that God is telling you he’s the one for you, then he probably isn’t. Please, don’t ignore your intuition.

Lou
 
Lou2U said:
I have bolded several statements that, to me, send out huge red flags.

As you are Catholic. your obligation is to God first, not your fiancée. Your fiancée should not distract you from this, or “explode” if he feels ignored.

You say you have children. How old are they, and do they live with you? Children tend to emulate their parents’ relationships. They have seen you break up with their father, and then live with a man who scares them when he is angry. Is your ex in a relationship?

I would also stop asking the second Priest for advice. He does not appear to be well educated in Catholic doctrine, and should not be showing you signs of disrespect or pressuring you into decisions. You should consult your old one.

If I were you, I would leave this man. He appears to be incredibly unstable and is manipulating you. If you marry him, his behaviour will only grow worse. His behaviour is also affecting your children.

You have been engaged for ten years. In my opinion, if you still don’t feel that God is telling you he’s the one for you, then he probably isn’t. Please, don’t ignore your intuition.

Lou
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KnitNut, thank you. yes, i understand WHY you’ve questioned the TEN YRS. i was having an affair with this man when i was legally married in the state of texas. this is the same man that BOUND me by threatening repeatedly to commit suicide if i left him. my then husband found out about the affair and ended the marriage.
i understood why such bad things happened, for i was bounded by sin.
my current relationship for years has been that of control and pressures. i never left the marriage because of the fear he instilled in my life with the multitude of threats he imposed on himself. sadly, my children have witnessed all of this. we have done our precana course and had scheduled a date, again all by his command and not of my freewill. because deep down, i know and feel the spirit telling me that he is not for me. but then the doubt sulks me and i question
 
we have been through counseling. both of us. individually and then together. for 2+yrs. in my soul, i know not to marry him but can the devil be deceiving me to believe that maybe i am wrong about my judgments and inner instinct? maybe he is the suitable man for me but im just overanalyzing the relationship and am too scrupulous of what a marriage should be. im so very confused.
 
priscilla1714 said:
KnitNut, thank you. yes, i understand WHY you’ve questioned the TEN YRS. i was having an affair with this man when i was legally married in the state of texas. this is the same man that BOUND me by threatening repeatedly to commit suicide if i left him. my then husband found out about the affair and ended the marriage.
i understood why such bad things happened, for i was bounded by sin.
my current relationship for years has been that of control and pressures. i never left the marriage because of the fear he instilled in my life with the multitude of threats he imposed on himself. sadly, my children have witnessed all of this. we have done our precana course and had scheduled a date, again all by his command and not of my freewill. because deep down, i know and feel the spirit telling me that he is not for me. but then the doubt sulks me and i question
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Run. Don’t look back.
 
priscilla1714 said:
we have been through counseling. both of us. individually and then together. for 2+yrs. in my soul, i know not to marry him but can the devil be deceiving me to believe that maybe i am wrong about my judgments and inner instinct? maybe he is the suitable man for me but im just overanalyzing the relationship and am too scrupulous of what a marriage should be. im so very confused.
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If it were right, you would not be here asking us our thoughts.

Someone asked earlier… Was your first marriage annulled?
 
priscilla1714 said:
we have been through counseling. both of us. individually and then together. for 2+yrs. in my soul, i know not to marry him but can the devil be deceiving me to believe that maybe i am wrong about my judgments and inner instinct? maybe he is the suitable man for me but im just overanalyzing the relationship and am too scrupulous of what a marriage should be. im so very confused.
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There is no counselor worth his/her salt who would be supportive of you continuing in your relationship with this man. And a couples counselor, if properly informed about the ABUSE, would absolutely not support you two marrying. Seriously. Just stop.

(Still haven’t heard about the annulment.)

Are you in counseling now? You should be. Rather than posting on an anonymous board, you really, really, really would benefit from professional assistance. You will feel much more clarity, much more peace, much more positive…if you only get the help you need, stick with it, take any medications prescribed, and invest in YOURSELF. Because God loves you and expects you to take care of yourself. What you’re doing now is not taking care of yourself…which is why you feel so awful.

PLEASE. GET HELP.
 
priscilla1714 said:
KnitNut, thank you. yes, i understand WHY you’ve questioned the TEN YRS. i was having an affair with this man when i was legally married in the state of texas. this is the same man that BOUND me by threatening repeatedly to commit suicide if i left him. my then husband found out about the affair and ended the marriage.
i understood why such bad things happened, for i was bounded by sin.
my current relationship for years has been that of control and pressures. i never left the marriage because of the fear he instilled in my life with the multitude of threats he imposed on himself. sadly, my children have witnessed all of this. we have done our precana course and had scheduled a date, again all by his command and not of my freewill. because deep down, i know and feel the spirit telling me that he is not for me. but then the doubt sulks me and i question
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I’m sorry; my last post didn’t come out right. I bolded several statements such as his “explosive temper” that scares your children, and the fact that he threw his medication away.

This is going to be blunt, but: Stop.

Just stop.

I understand you have doubts, but read what you are saying! He threatened you with suicide if you left him for your husband. Your children have witnessed him threatening you! You are doing this because he wants you to.

You are being abused. You are allowing your children to witness your abuse. Your children may grow up one day to be abused themselves, or possibly an abuser because of what they have seen.

Please, get help. I am trying to help you now, but there is a limit to what I, and the other posters here at CAF can do. You can be told what you should do, but you need to do it. You need to reach out to someone you trust and tell them your problems.

I think the reason you have doubts is because you have been with him for so long, and you are cohabiting. You need to move out, to protect you and your children. You need to tell your first Priest (not the second one you went to) about your situation.

I will repeat: Please, please get help.

Lou
 
in answer to the annulment question, i wasnt ever married through the church. he, on the other hand was, and he was granted an annulment about 3 yrs ago.
i have contacted the first priest via phone. again, he says we are wrong and offending God; i have already contacted my fiance about moving out. he is planning on moving out this weekend. he didnt respond well and is furious about this particular priest being judgmental. he is trying to justify his point and says that this should ONLY BE ABOUT GOD and not about what the community thinks or what scandals arise out of living together. i encouraged him to talk to a priest or seek advice from a spiritual leader in which he refuses to. his reasoning is that they are all humans and not God and who are they to judge him or me or our relationship. is this normal behavior for a Godly man? he calls it righteous anger. cause Jesus was angry too and he flipped the tables in the temple. im worried and afraid to go home because im not sure what his blow up is gonna be like this time. prayers please. love you all!
 
priscilla1714 said:
in answer to the annulment question, i wasnt ever married through the church. he, on the other hand was, and he was granted an annulment about 3 yrs ago.
i have contacted the first priest via phone. again, he says we are wrong and offending God; i have already contacted my fiance about moving out. he is planning on moving out this weekend. he didnt respond well and is furious about this particular priest being judgmental. he is trying to justify his point and says that this should ONLY BE ABOUT GOD and not about what the community thinks or what scandals arise out of living together. i encouraged him to talk to a priest or seek advice from a spiritual leader in which he refuses to. his reasoning is that they are all humans and not God and who are they to judge him or me or our relationship. is this normal behavior for a Godly man? he calls it righteous anger. cause Jesus was angry too and he flipped the tables in the temple. im worried and afraid to go home because im not sure what his blow up is gonna be like this time. prayers please. love you all!
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Good. Yes, the first priest is right and you are right to follow his advice to you.

No, a Godly man does not act like this. A Godly man will submit to the will of God expressed through the Church - and the Church speaks clearly against cohabitation. A Godly man does not set himself up as his own supreme moral authority, which your “fiance” is doing here.

There is such a think as righteous anger - but abusive and unstable people generally can’t tell the difference and are not to be trusted as their own moral judges.

Please be careful. An abusive man who is now angry is someone to be very careful of. Do you have family who can help you make this transition, from cohabiting to living apart?
 
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