Fiance masturbates. What do I do?

[LadyJaneGrey]

Hi,

My fiance recently told me that he masturbates once a day. He said he does it to avoid the wet dreams that plague him. He lives in a college dormitory. He is a terribly shy man; he even feels embarassed to visit the bathroom if anyone else who knows him(even me) is in the vicinity of the bathroom. He has assured me that once we get married he will give up masturbation 'cos then he will be living with me and will never have to worry about wet dreams. I’ve know him for 5 years and he has never lied to me even once so I believe his explanation.

For my sake he once tried to give up masturbation. But after a few days he got so tense about the possibility of having a wet dream, that I told him to give up his self imposed abstinence. I’ve tried telling him that wet dreams are normal for men but he still gets very embarassed when they occur.

Neither of us has ever had any kind of sexual relationship in our life and in our case, we will wait until marriage. And my fiance gave up pornography for at least the last 5 years. He really tries his best to keep his mind pure at all times.

How serious is my fiance’s sin? I’ve read CCC 2352 and am unable to determine whether he is committing a mortal or venial sin. I wouldn’t like him to commit a mortal sin but at the same time I don’t want him to be so tense about the possibility that he will get a wet dream.

How can I help him?

Thank you for your advice.

 

[dafalax]

It’s a mortal sin to masturbate. It is also logically backwards to commit a mortal sin in order to prevent wet dreams, which aren’t sinful because they aren’t willful.
Masturbation is a tough habit to break and sexual dreams are frustrating because you don’t want them; they just happen when you are vulnerable. However, your fiance should definitely stop masturbating immediately and take his chances on the wet dreams, which will subside with time. Frequent confession will help as well as praying to the Blessed Mother for purity before bedtime. This will take time to overcome, but the sooner he gets started, the sooner he will gain control.
Also, it is naive to think that as soon as you two are married, these dreams will stop. Even if you two had intercourse before bed, it wouldn’t necessarily prevent a sexual dream (wet or not). Be very supportive of your fiance (this is a rather embarassing problem), but be honest and don’t let him give up trying. He owes purity of mind and body to the Lord and to you.

 

[Dimmers]

dafalax is on point

To break the ice with the boyfriend use my friends approach.

My friend’s husband started doing the masturbating thing when he discovered the internet. She would tell him… “You need to stop it, because you’re cheating on me with the devil.”

 

[udral]

LadyJaneGrey:

Hi,

My fiance recently told me that he masturbates once a day. He said he does it to avoid the wet dreams that plague him. He lives in a college dormitory. He is a terribly shy man; he even feels embarassed to visit the bathroom if anyone else who knows him(even me) is in the vicinity of the bathroom. He has assured me that once we get married he will give up masturbation 'cos then he will be living with me and will never have to worry about wet dreams. I’ve know him for 5 years and he has never lied to me even once so I believe his explanation.

For my sake he once tried to give up masturbation. But after a few days he got so tense about the possibility of having a wet dream, that I told him to give up his self imposed abstinence. I’ve tried telling him that wet dreams are normal for men but he still gets very embarassed when they occur.

Neither of us has ever had any kind of sexual relationship in our life and in our case, we will wait until marriage. And my fiance gave up pornography for at least the last 5 years. He really tries his best to keep his mind pure at all times.

How serious is my fiance’s sin? I’ve read CCC 2352 and am unable to determine whether he is committing a mortal or venial sin. I wouldn’t like him to commit a mortal sin but at the same time I don’t want him to be so tense about the possibility that he will get a wet dream.

How can I help him?

Thank you for your advice.

Masturbation is “grave matter”, but not necessarily a mortal sin. For it to be a mortal sin there has to be proper knowledge and consent.

It seems like your fiance has some serious embarrasment issues if he can’t go to the bathroom when other people are around. Personally I think this kind of a motivator may impact his ability to fully consent to the sin.

How serious is his shyness/embarrasment? When I was in high school there was a girl who was so shy she couldn’t talk in front of the class. If she for some reason was motivated by that powerful shyness to masturbate I would not say that she was committing a mortal sin, because it’s not possible to fully consent under such circumstances.

Maybe he is so afraid of other people in the dormitory noticing that he ejacuated in his sleep that it takes over and overrides his ability to consent?

I think the best way you can help ihim is to help him overcome shyness. Maybe read about it, gradually help him to get comfortable with himself and other people.

 

[Sir_Knight]

If he is in the HABIT of doing it, he may very well be ADDICTED (yes, “addicted”) to it and in which case, according to the CCC, it then MIGHT not be a mortal sin. However, even if it isn’t, that doesN’T excuse him from trying to stop. A few other points:

• *]
  
  
  LadyJaneGrey:
  

  he still gets very embarassed when they occur.

  Masturbating to avoid having a wet dream doesn’t make any sense to me. If you have a wet dream, you have a wet dream. What’s the problem?
  
  *]
  
  
  LadyJaneGrey:
  

  He has assured me that once we get married he will give up masturbation 'cos then he will be living with me and will never have to worry about wet dreams.

  Are you going to have sex EVERY night? If not, then what is going to happen on the nights that you don’t? Is he going to masturbate? If the answer is ‘yes’, then you need to ask yourself how you are going to deal with that. If the answer is ‘no’, then he should be able to go a day or two now without masturbating. Right?
  
  *]
  
  
  LadyJaneGrey:
  

  Neither of us has ever had any kind of sexual relationship in our life and in our case, we will wait until marriage. And my fiance gave up pornography for at least the last 5 years. He really tries his best to keep his mind pure at all times.

  Well, that’s good. You’ll be experminting and learning together with neither of you being ahead of the other. That’s definitely a big plus for both of you.
  
  Finally, don’t be too hard on him if he can’t kick the habit right away. Depending on how long he has been doing it, he may indeed be ADDICTED to the act and it may take YEARS (yes, “years”) to stop. In addition to regular prayer, the best thing is too ensure that he has as little free time as possible because the old saying that the devil finds work for idle hands is very true when it comes to masturbation.

 

[LadyJaneGrey]

Thank you to all who responded.

Udral seems to have come nearest to the problem. Yes, he is terribly shy about his body and its functions. He got all embarrassed when he had to tell me he was going to shop for inner wear for himself. And I’ve been his best friend for years!!! He gets terrified that someone in his dormitory will see that he has had a wet dream. He can’t bear the teasing of his dorm mates since apparently none of them suffer from wet dreams.

He doesn’t do it when he stays alone, only when he lives in the dormitory.

And about stopping when we are married I do believe he will stop. Because he trusts me & understands that i’ve accepted that wet dreams are perfectly normal. So if he gets them when we live together after marriage then he has nothing to be embarrassed about.

I’ve been a very lucky girl. My fiance has kept every promise he’s made me, no matter what it has cost him. And he has made some really major sacrifices for my sake (I came to know later else I’d never have let him do it). That is why I do want to help him but at the same time not make it hard for him. I just don’t know what either of us would do without the other.

 

[Wisdom]

Why was this in the apologetics forum?

 

[LadyJaneGrey]

I’m sorry if it is the wrong forum.

I wanted some “official” sort of advice and I thought this was the forum.

How can I move it and to which forum should I? I’d be grateful if some moderator could do it.

Thank you for your help

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

LadyJaneGrey:

Hi,

My fiance recently told me that he masturbates once a day. He said he does it to avoid the wet dreams that plague him. He lives in a college dormitory. He is a terribly shy man; he even feels embarassed to visit the bathroom if anyone else who knows him(even me) is in the vicinity of the bathroom. He has assured me that once we get married he will give up masturbation 'cos then he will be living with me and will never have to worry about wet dreams. I’ve know him for 5 years and he has never lied to me even once so I believe his explanation.

For my sake he once tried to give up masturbation. But after a few days he got so tense about the possibility of having a wet dream, that I told him to give up his self imposed abstinence. I’ve tried telling him that wet dreams are normal for men but he still gets very embarassed when they occur.

Neither of us has ever had any kind of sexual relationship in our life and in our case, we will wait until marriage. And my fiance gave up pornography for at least the last 5 years. He really tries his best to keep his mind pure at all times.

How serious is my fiance’s sin? I’ve read CCC 2352 and am unable to determine whether he is committing a mortal or venial sin. I wouldn’t like him to commit a mortal sin but at the same time I don’t want him to be so tense about the possibility that he will get a wet dream.

How can I help him?

Thank you for your advice.

Well to say “Neither of us has ever had any kind of sexual relationship in our life.” is not true because he has one every day with himself actually. He needs to see someone for OCD. Given the background with pornography. There is some very serious Marriage preparation that needs to take place. This behavior needs to be adressed BEFORE the Marriage takes place. You cannot assume it will resolve itself after the wedding.

 

[setter]

Br. Rich SFO:

Well to say “Neither of us has ever had any kind of sexual relationship in our life.” is not true because he has one every day with himself actually. He needs to see someone for OCD. Given the background with pornography. There is some very serious Marriage preparation that needs to take place. This behavior needs to be adressed BEFORE the Marriage takes place. You cannot assume it will resolve itself after the wedding.

I can only emphasize the above comments to you. I believe that this is a core issue of mature readiness for mariage that you would do yourself and your finace a great favor to fully address BEFORE entering the covenant of marriage. This needs to be discussed with a priest and most likely with a profesional counselor.

It is obvious that your fiance’s habit/necessity for masturbation is a symptom of an underlying emotional or mental problem. Having the opportunity for licit sexual relations may only immediately “cure” the symptom behavior of masturbation.

 

[Celtic_FC]

If his dorm buddies would make fun of a wet dream, they need to have psychological help. I really would question their sanity. It’s normal for the body to have nocturnal emissions. I don’t try to prevent mine because I’ve already forgotten about them a few hours later.

 

[udral]

LadyJaneGrey:

Thank you to all who responded.

Udral seems to have come nearest to the problem. Yes, he is terribly shy about his body and its functions. He got all embarrassed when he had to tell me he was going to shop for inner wear for himself. And I’ve been his best friend for years!!! He gets terrified that someone in his dormitory will see that he has had a wet dream. He can’t bear the teasing of his dorm mates since apparently none of them suffer from wet dreams.
He doesn’t do it when he stays alone, only when he lives in the dormitory.

And about stopping when we are married I do believe he will stop. Because he trusts me & understands that i’ve accepted that wet dreams are perfectly normal. So if he gets them when we live together after marriage then he has nothing to be embarrassed about.

I’ve been a very lucky girl. My fiance has kept every promise he’s made me, no matter what it has cost him. And he has made some really major sacrifices for my sake (I came to know later else I’d never have let him do it). That is why I do want to help him but at the same time not make it hard for him. I just don’t know what either of us would do without the other.

It sounds like he is a good man. The fact that he masturbates when he is in the dormitory but not when he stays alone shows that it has nothing to do with an addiction or some kind of perversion as others here have suggested.

The one thing to worry about is his shyness! It must be so difficult for him to feel comfortable. Do you think you could convince him to talk to a psychologist about it? It seems like it has a fairly negative impact on his life.

 

[rwoehmke]

Your friend shows signs of having an addiction to sex, only at the moment it is solitary sex and it is a very real addiction just like alcoholism. The addiction does not just go away with marriage, but will only change its form. If you ever plan or think you will need to resort to NFP, I would be very surprised if he could handle the abstinence. He will be miserable and you will be drawn into his misery. The business about only in the dorm and not at home sounds IMO like a “fish story.” If it isn’t then there are other compulsive obsession problems which should be explored with a psychiatrist or psychologist who respects Catholic teaching on these matters. It is something that you and he need to have under control before you take that trip to the altar. With a past use of pornography, even though he alleges that he no longer goes there, you need to be aware that that stuff remains in the memory for a long long time and continues to have an impact long afterward. The best support you can give him is to pray for him, delay any marriage plans and urge him to get proper help, a counselor and a regular confessor. I am 70 this year and married 45 years, but I still remember.

 

[tcay584]

LadyJaneGrey:

Thank you to all who responded.

Udral seems to have come nearest to the problem. Yes, he is terribly shy about his body and its functions. He got all embarrassed when he had to tell me he was going to shop for inner wear for himself.

OK…he can’t shop for boxers, but he can tell you about his wet dreams???

And I’ve been his best friend for years!!! He gets terrified that someone in his dormitory will see that he has had a wet dream. He can’t bear the teasing of his dorm mates since apparently none of them suffer from wet dreams.

What…are they in the habit of checking his sheets? Does he have an aversion to doing laundry? What’s the deal?

He doesn’t do it when he stays alone, only when he lives in the dormitory.

Oh good, so he’s not a solitary sinner…only does it when there’s a chance he’ll get caught. Sounds like someone who gets off on possibly “getting caught”.

And about stopping when we are married I do believe he will stop. Because he trusts me & understands that i’ve accepted that wet dreams are perfectly normal. So if he gets them when we live together after marriage then he has nothing to be embarrassed about.

Sure, but when you’re married, he probably won’t have that problem because the excitement is gone…the taboo…the chance of getting caught…

I’ve been a very lucky girl. My fiance has kept every promise he’s made me, no matter what it has cost him. And he has made some really major sacrifices for my sake (I came to know later else I’d never have let him do it). That is why I do want to help him but at the same time not make it hard for him. I just don’t know what either of us would do without the other.

Take some time to grow up, and let your fiance grow up as well. At least until he can get a hold of himself…oh, sorry.

 

[Pug]

There is some advice that I feel I would be negligent not to provide: Resolve this issue before you get married. I cannot say that strongly enough. Other posters have said it, but one more voice cannot hurt.

Also, just so you know, IF it is an addiction problem, please know that sex with one’s wife is no guarantee that a man will not then go out and masturbate anyway, because, well, I don’t want to explain that, but it can happen. Do not rely upon marital sex to fix a problem like masturbation. It plain may not help at all.

Also, don’t let any person convince you that masturbation here and there is the healthy way to go or anything, or that a wife just has to accept that it will happen, or whatever. Masturbation issues can cause big problems in a marriage. They don’t have to, but they sure can. Just because the secular world says what it says doesn’t make it so. Often, the advice of psychologists, etc. must be ignored on the topic of masturbation.

 

[LadyJaneGrey]

tcay 584 your insinuations are beastly. I suggest you take the time to grow up before advising others.

He did not tell me about the wet dreams. I asked him a direct question, he told me the truth. Recollect, I said he’d never lied to me no matter what. If you’d been there you would have understood how difficult it is when you’re shy

And he doesn’t “get off” as you said about the possibility of getting caught. If you understand how much he dreads the possibilty of someone seeing him when he goes to the bathroom you wouldn’t have made these statements.

It isn’t like me to be vindictive. But some day tcay 584, I hope you are blessed with a shy child. Then you will understand the trauma that an extremely shy person has to go through each day of his life. Just thank Our Lord that you don’t have to bear such a cross.

 

[Sanctus]

LadyJaneGrey:

Hi,

My fiancé recently told me that he masturbates once a day.

As other posters have said this is a very spiritually draining and physically detrimental habit…the fact that it is situational (in the dorm) and once a day indicates that this is not something that is a sporadic falling into sin…but a mentally comforting “habit.”

LadyJaneGrey:

He said he does it to avoid the wet dreams that plague him.

As other’s have said…there’s absolutely no reason to pervert one’s on sexuality to avoid a non-sinful, natural bodily function.

LadyJaneGrey:

He lives in a college dormitory.

Ok, hopefully I can help as I’m a college student with extensive dormitory experience

LadyJaneGrey:

He is a terribly shy man; he even feels embarassed to visit the bathroom if anyone else who knows him(even me) is in the vicinity of the bathroom.

I’m pretty shy too… many people are shy about the bathroom.

LadyJaneGrey:

He has assured me that once we get married he will give up masturbation 'cos then he will be living with me and will never have to worry about wet dreams.

Ok… A.) Married life will not get rid of the wet dreams B.) Masturbation can cause a dependence on the act itself. It is very easy for him to say that he’ll “give it up” but in practice, if he’s committing solitary sin once a day–it may be very hard. Furthermore, you should insure that you have a very frank and long conversation with your fiancé about this…as the easiest way to shoot your marriage in the foot is for him to transfer his solitary fantasies to your marriage life. Solitary sin is teaching him, however unconscious he may be of it, that you are going to be constantly available and completely gratifying.

LadyJaneGrey:

For my sake he once tried to give up masturbation. But after a few days he got so tense about the possibility of having a wet dream…

As I was saying before, this is the problem. If you are going to get married you two should be willing to dispose yourselves of anything for the sake of the other. If your fiancé gives up solitary sin, the tenseness will subside, the wet dreams will come and go, but the spiritual benefits will come rushing in.

LadyJaneGrey:

I’ve tried telling him that wet dreams are normal for men but he still gets very embarassed when they occur.

Yes they are…he shouldn’t be embarrassed, but I can understand being embarrassed that…but nobody else should have to know about his wet dreams.

LadyJaneGrey:

Neither of us has ever had any kind of sexual relationship in our life and in our case, we will wait until marriage.

As another poster stated, one of you is having a sexual relationship–your fiancé is having one with himself and he is not waiting until marriage. He is robbing himself of sexual purity and robbing you of something that belongs only to his wife.

LadyJaneGrey:

And my fiancé gave up pornography for at least the last 5 years. He really tries his best to keep his mind pure at all times.

Giving up pornography is wonderful, and purity of mind is a wonderful thing to strive for…but that is seemingly impossible with solitary sin…striving for purity of self is another goal you both should work on

LadyJaneGrey:

How can I help him?

The best thing you can do for him is encourage him to find a good spiritual director. This is an issue that he needs to work out with the help of a Priest trained in psychology who can work with issues of anxiety/agoraphobia/OCD…I’m not saying that your fiancé has these…but I think that would be helpful. Finally…and possibly most importantly–pray for him…and pray for you too-I will!

 

[udral]

It seems like many people here haven’t read a word of what the OP said, but saw the word “masturbation” and extrapolated all sorts of things about her fiance that really don’t apply.

 

[Al_Masetti]

Suggest fiance contact the college chaplain and find a priest who is trained as a personal spiritual director.

Compulsive behaviors are not mortal sins because the full consent of the will is absent.

Nevertheless, the compulsive conditions are not helpful and need to be overcome. A professional spiritual director can be tremendously helpful.

 

[Daniel_Marsh]

On his next physical, have him talk to his doctor about wet dreams.

google.com/search?hl=en&q=wet+dreams+medical

He can control what he “reads” before bed time.