Fiance masturbates. What do I do?

[KCT]

LadyJaneGrey:

And about stopping when we are married I do believe he will stop. Because he trusts me & understands that i’ve accepted that wet dreams are perfectly normal.

He may want to stop when you’re married, but he may not be able to stop. I’m told it’s a tough habit to overcome.

Not only that, once you’re married, you may start wondering, “Does he really want me for ME or does he want me so he won’t masturbate?” You could end up feeling used or wondering if you’re being used. --KCT

 

[rwoehmke]

I am still puzzeled by the wet dream thing. As I recall they are the normal way for the body to take care of excess. I also recall that to have a wet dream even once a week would be quite unusual. Maybe in adition to counseling he should se a Urologist. Something just does not add up and I repeat get this all cleared up before even going near the altar to be married. It is not unknown for some men to prefer solitary sex even after they are married. I suppose it may be a control issue.

 

[Ruthie]

Lady Jane,

Did you say whether or not the masturbation does work? I.e. if he does it, he doesn’t have wet dreams?

If it’s true, then there is reason to believe he will indeed be able to give it up once you are married.

There are still two matters that need to be addressed.

First, masturbation is grave matter. He is sinning. It’s between him and God (through his confessor) whether it is mortal or not - but it is still sin.

Second, his shyness is something that needs to be dealt with ***before ***marriage. If he’s that shy with his dorm-mates, with whom he is going to spend pnly a short time, then how shy will he be with you, his chosen life-mate, before whom he will want to be perfect?

**Beware **of the idea that a marriage ceremony will “fix” anything that’s wrong. If he’s been shy all his life, he will continue to be shy after he says “I do.”

So try to get him into counselling about his shyness. There are Catholic therapists out there. I wish I could remember the website that helps find them.

 

[Kendy]

Br. Rich SFO:

Well to say “Neither of us has ever had any kind of sexual relationship in our life.” is not true because he has one every day with himself actually. He needs to see someone for OCD. Given the background with pornography. There is some very serious Marriage preparation that needs to take place. This behavior needs to be adressed BEFORE the Marriage takes place. You cannot assume it will resolve itself after the wedding.

setter:

It is obvious that your fiance’s habit/necessity for masturbation is a symptom of an underlying emotional or mental problem. Having the opportunity for licit sexual relations may only immediately “cure” the symptom behavior of masturbation.

This is a bit much. Daily masterbation is common among men and not evidence of OCD or emotional and mental problem.

It’s usually a subsititute for sex and he probably will stop once he’s having regular sex.

However, for the sake of his spiritual health, he should try to overcome it. But I don’t think making him feel like he’s disturbed is a good idea.

Kendy

 

[setter]

Originally Posted by setter
It is obvious that your fiance’s habit/necessity for masturbation is a symptom of an underlying emotional or mental problem. Having the opportunity for licit sexual relations may only immediately “cure” the symptom behavior of masturbation.

This is a bit much. Daily masterbation is common among men and not evidence of OCD or emotional and mental problem.

Daily (frequent or regular) masturbation for a male beyond adolescence is always in every case direct evidence of an emotional or mental/psychological problem. To believe otherwise shows a naivette of the role and function of healthy human sexuality.

It’s usually a subsititute for sex and he probably will stop once he’s having regular sex.

Masturbation it is an unhealthy and grossly distorted use of one’s sexual powers (the power to create and unite).

However, for the sake of his spiritual health, he should try to overcome it. But I don’t think making him feel like he’s disturbed is a good idea.

It does no one any favor to softly or not appropriately label the problem behavior. If the individual feels disturbed by the reality/implications of such an unhealthy habit, then this may be the grace needed to motivated him to take the appropriate measures to address/overcome the problem.

 

[dulcissima]

Even if he is the nicest guy in the world, this will present a real problem in your marriage. He will be wanting sex everyday. This is or will be an addiction, and it will interfere with the two of you being able to develop a truly self-giving intimacy. Everyone who says this needs to be addressed before you marry is absolutely correct.

 

[Pug]

Kendy:

It’s usually a subsititute for sex and he probably will stop once he’s having regular sex.

Lady Jane,

I give you my word that not all men (or women) stop once they have regular sex. Make sure the problem is stopped before you get married. If it is fixable, then it can be fixed before marriage. It may be nothing much. Even so, be on the safe side. The amount of grief that can be caused by porn or masturbation issues is huge. Don’t risk it.

 

[udral]

setter:

Daily (frequent or regular) masturbation for a male beyond adolescence is always in every case direct evidence of an emotional or mental/psychological problem. To believe otherwise shows a naivette of the role and function of healthy human sexuality.

The authors of The Social Organization of Sexuality (Edward O. Laumann, John H. Gagnon, Robert T. Michael, and Stuart Michaels; University of Chicago Press, 1994) gathered information about masturbatory practices from face-to-face interviews and self-administered questionnaires of 2,969 men and women ranging in age from 18 to 59 years. The researchers found that 41.7 percent of women and 63.3 percent of men masturbated during the year studied. According to The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior (Samuel S. Janus and Cynthia L. Janus; John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 1993), based on a large-scale, nationwide survey of adult Americans ages 18 and up conducted between 1983 and 1992, **10 percent of women reported masturbating frequently (several times weekly or daily) vs. 25 percent of men. **
goaskalice.columbia.edu/1568.html

Apparently 25% of men masturbate several times weekly or daily, and that’s men between 18 and 59.

What might this statistic look for for 20 - 30 year old males?

Do you really believe that 1 in 4 males masturbates because of a problem?

 

[coyote]

It is not the masturbation alone that raises flags.

This adult man claims to be too embarrassed to discuss the purchase of underwear for himself and is inordinately afraid of being “found out” for having “wet dreams”. This sounds too odd to be reasonable.

No, sorry, something is defintely awry here. It is a delusion to think that everything can be made right by marriage. That isn’t true for any other inappropriate or self destructive behavior. Alcoholics continue to drink, gamblers to gamble, bullys to bully and spendthrifts to spend.

Marriage does not “fix” or repair disorders. To believe so is to believe a fairy tale.

 

[Kendy]

setter:

Daily (frequent or regular) masturbation for a male beyond adolescence is always in every case direct evidence of an emotional or mental/psychological problem. To believe otherwise shows a naivette of the role and function of healthy human sexuality.

.

81% of men start masterbating between the ages of 10-15 and The average 20 year-old man masterbates 18-22 times per month. So, her fiance is no more psychological disturbed than the next guy she is likely to meet.

Lady Jane, I just really hate to see you postpone your wedding over this. It’s great that he was honest with you about it. He sounds like a good guy.

Kendy

 

[udral]

coyote:

It is not the masturbation alone that raises flags.

This adult man claims to be too embarrassed to discuss the purchase of underwear for himself and is inordinately afraid of being “found out” for having “wet dreams”. This sounds too odd to be reasonable.

No, sorry, something is defintely awry here. It is a delusion to think that everything can be made right by marriage. That isn’t true for any other inappropriate or self destructive behavior. Alcoholics continue to drink, gamblers to gamble, bullys to bully and spendthrifts to spend.

Marriage does not “fix” or repair disorders. To believe so is to believe a fairy tale.

!

The man is shy, sure it is a “problem.” Have you ever been around shy people, when I was in school there was an extremely shy girl in my class. She could never speak in front of others. She was so quiet and she’d get tomato-red.

Yes, that is a problem. Think of how uncomfortable it is for such a person.

But it is hardly something that should raise red flags in consideration of marriage.

It might be more difficult being married to a shy person, but she knows how shy he is and doens’t mind!

And sure, marriage won’t fix shyness, but conselling can help, and even if it doesn’t will it really be such a big deal?

 

[coyote]

I suppose time will tell.

 

[CuriousInIL]

dulcissima:

Even if he is the nicest guy in the world, this will present a real problem in your marriage. He will be wanting sex everyday. This is or will be an addiction, and it will interfere with the two of you being able to develop a truly self-giving intimacy. Everyone who says this needs to be addressed before you marry is absolutely correct.

Why, exactly, is wanting sex everyday a problem in a marriage?

 

[Katie1723]

CuriousInIL:

Why, exactly, is wanting sex everyday a problem in a marriage?

It ought not be a problem. I know plenty who wish for it everyday.
Kathy

 

[CuriousInIL]

Katie1723:

It ought not be a problem. I know plenty who wish for it everyday.
Kathy

I agree. I was wondering what, if any, justification/explanation dulcissima had for the statement.

 

[setter]

Kendy:

81% of men start masterbating between the ages of 10-15 and The average 20 year-old man masterbates 18-22 times per month. So, her fiance is no more psychological disturbed than the next guy she is likely to meet.

Christian men (and woman) are called to a different standard. Masturbation is minimally a sign of emotional immaturity and is a limitation to fully entering the sacrament of holy matrimony. As recommended, this behavior needs to be sensitively discussed with a priest as part of assessing readiness for marriage. The fact that he cannot refrain from this habit indicates that professional counseling would be beneficial.

 

[setter]

udral:

The authors of The Social Organization of Sexuality …
goaskalice.columbia.edu/1568.html

Apparently 25% of men masturbate several times weekly or daily, and that’s men between 18 and 59.

What might this statistic look for for 20 - 30 year old males?

Do you really believe that 1 in 4 males masturbates because of a problem?

This is what the guides of this world recommend:

Masturbation allows a healthy way to express and explore one’s sexuality and to release sexual tension without the associated risks of sexual intercourse, according to many healthcare providers. They also agree that masturbation is a natural, normal, and healthy way of self-exploration and sexual expression.

It is increasingly recognized among mental health professionals that masturbation can relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self worth.

Many conservative religious groups teach that masturbation is a sinful practice. The Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 2352, lists masturbation as one of the “Offenses against Chastity” and calls it “an intrinsically and gravely disordered action” because “use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” It goes on to caution that extenuating factors could exist, such as immaturity, habitual, or psychological problems.

Children caught by their parents masturbating are often punished and told it is a sin. In fact, there is no mention of the word “masturbation” or “self-pleasure” in the Bible. Children are also often told it is wrong or unhealthy, myths that are not supported by medical research.

In the early 2000s, masturbation has become more accepted for both males and females yet there is still a stigma about discussing it openly. College courses on human sexuality include materials and discussion of masturbation, and many parenting manuals deal with ways to affirm a child’s self-pleasing habits rather than degrading or punishing the child. Many sex therapists believe that to have better sexual experiences with a partner, an individual needs to learn to masturbate first since it is the best way to learn what one likes and does not like in his or her sex acts.

childrens-health.families.com/masturbation-gech

Here is a Catholic worldview reality check on the woes of masturbation:

The plain fact is that the pre-sixties fixation, so-called of moralists on sexual sin was entirely justified. Sexual sin occupies a special place in the pantheon of evil. This was recognized long ago by St. Paul. “Every other sin,” he says, “exists outside the human person. But the fornicator sins against his own person” (1 Cor. 6:17). Every human intuitively understands that sex is special. It is an appetite with great strength that like food-hunger is oriented toward human preservation and happiness, but that, unlike food-hunger, does not have to be sated in order to live. Although the healthy adult experience of sexuality is focused on relationships, the first adolescent experience of sexual function is frequently as a means of giving oneself pleasure. This selfish end is the only meaning of self-abuse. Frankly, the self-abuser confuses the organ of generation and marital union with a toy. This misidentification of the generative capacity of man is at the root of all sexual sin. Ruth Westheimer and her cackling colleagues in pop psychology have led the charge to remove a sense of guilt about masturbation by entitling it “self-pleasuring.” But it is, in fact, self-abuse, a misuse of the most sacred bodily function of human beings. Honest psychiatrists know that there are many men who are in thrall to this habit, and that it is unhealthy. They know that pornography is the ambrosia of the self-abuser. They also know that behind the face of nearly every child-abuser is a self-abuser. Thus the Church’s teaching has been consistent over the ages: masturbation is an “intrinsically and gravely disordered action” (Catechism at 2352). Ironically, Karl Menninger himself identified the error of taking masturbation out of the category of sin early in the sexual revolution, without understanding that this was a primal error of psychosexuality (Whatever Became of Sin, Hawthorn, NYC, 1973 at 36). In other words, he said that once self-abuse lost its onus of sinfulness, all other sexual offenses lost theirs as well. But because he agreed with the “rehabilitation” of self-abuse, even as the sexual corruption steamroller lumbered past him, he could only stand clueless and ask “What’s happening?”

catholic.net/RCC/Periodicals/Homiletic/0809-97/guilt.html

 

[dulcissima]

CuriousInIL:

I agree. I was wondering what, if any, justification/explanation dulcissima had for the statement.

The problem isn’t wanting sex every day, the problem is conditioning yourself to expect sex every day. Imagine what it is like to be the wife of a sex addict, where your husband wanting to have sex with you constantly, every day or even several times a day, is not based on his love for you or his desire to grow closer to you. Imagine being a wife who for years was being very giving and saying yes to all of this, only to discover one day that “no” is not an option. Imagine how something that is supposed to be very intimate and giving feels when it is just taken and not appreciated. Sex between a husband and a wife is not supposed to be just a habit. It is supposed to be something that brings them closer to each other and closer to God.

 

[Kendy]

setter:

They also know that behind the face of nearly every child-abuser is a self-abuser.

This sentence really stood out. It’s completely ridiculous, and out of touch with reality. Certainly, all-child abusers probably masterbate, but they probably also sleep, eat, and watch television. It’s hard to take seriously the link that this claim makes. As was pointed out, the majority of people, esp. men, have masterbated at some point in their lives. They are not at risk of becoming child abusers. And it’s hard for the world to take the church seriously when she says stuff like this.

I hate that I have now become a promoter of masterbation, which I am not. I just thought some of the hyperbole deserved a response. If every woman refused to marry a man because he masterbates, very few people would get married. It’s something most people struggle with (call it a mortal or venial sin), and if that’s makes them disturbed, then apparently more than half of Americans and even greater portion of men need psychological intervention.

Kendy

Kendy

 

[Kendy]

dulcissima:

The problem isn’t wanting sex every day, the problem is conditioning yourself to expect sex every day. Imagine what it is like to be the wife of a sex addict, where your husband wanting to have sex with you constantly, every day or even several times a day, is not based on his love for you or his desire to grow closer to you. Imagine being a wife who for years was being very giving and saying yes to all of this, only to discover one day that “no” is not an option. Imagine how something that is supposed to be very intimate and giving feels when it is just taken and not appreciated. Sex between a husband and a wife is not supposed to be just a habit. It is supposed to be something that brings them closer to each other and closer to God.

Masterbating everyday may not translate into wanting sex everyday. People use masterbation to release sexual desires. However, since it actually is not a great substitute for sex, the desire might return sooner than if one had had sex. Whereas actually having sex with someone else can sate that desire for days. Having sex with his wife might completely elimiate the need for masterbation.

In fact, I discussed this post with a male friend yesterday to get a guy’s perspective. Masterbation is usually a bad substitute for the real thing and becomes unnecessary if you are having the real thing. Now, that may not be the case with her fiance, but it probably is.

Kendy