Fiance masturbates. What do I do?

[Kendy]

setter:

Overeating, overspending, … are not the same as masturbation/self-abuse. Why? I will offer the CCC citations as to why:

2332

Sexuality affects all aspects of the human person in the unity of his body and soul. It especially concerns affectivity, the capacity to love and to procreate, and in a more general way the aptitude for forming bonds of communion with others.

2337 Chastity means the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being.

Numbers do not impress me, especially so in areas of faith and morals for those who are baptised Christians:

"Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is easy, that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life, and those who find it are few.” Matt. 7:13-14
I will repeat myself:

St. Paul was offering practical advice “…for it is better to marry than to be on fire.” (1 Cor. 7:8) to widows and unmarried persons. The CCC offers this moral imperative to all baptised persons and “practical advice”:

2348 All the baptized are called to chastity. The Christian has “put on Christ,” the model for all chastity. All Christ’s faithful are called to lead a chaste life in keeping with their particular states of life. At the moment of his Baptism, the Christian is pledged to lead his affective life in chastity.

2339 Chastity includes an *apprenticeship in * *self-mastery * which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy.

2342 Self-mastery is a long and exacting work. One can never consider it acquired once and for all. It presupposes renewed effort at all stages of life. The effort required can be more intense in certain periods, such as when the personality is being formed during childhood and adolescence.

Setter,

It doesn’t seem obvious to me that glutonny is less serious than unchastity. They are both pleasure-seeking and result from lack of self-mastery. Why do we insist on putting sexual sins on this pedastal?

All baptized Christians are called to do many things. Chastity is one of them. Yet, all baptized Christians fail to some of these. For some people it’s controlling sexual impulses, but for others, it’s eating too much, telling lies, having a short temper. We are weak.

And our weakness are often revealed in trying situations. My impatience is revealed when my business partner does something to annoy me. I need to try to overcome that, but the situation does help. Likewise, dating someone for years, assuming you are attracted to him/her, but not being able to fulfill those desires is equally trying. It’scertainly not a situation, I would put myself in for five years .

Kendy

 

[luvmykids]

redtech:

If I had to share a bed with another guy and it was noticable that something had happened during the night, then I would do the same thing.

Can you imagine being the other guy? What if you rolled over in it? I have to say, that I don’t blame him.

I’m still pretty confused about this…are they sleeping naked together? How would anything get on the bed otherwise. Shouldn’t he be wearing pajamas?

 

[setter]

Setter,

It doesn’t seem obvious to me that glutonny is less serious than unchastity. They are both pleasure-seeking and result from lack of self-mastery. Why do we insist on putting sexual sins on this pedastal?

Because not all sins equally offend God. My understanding from hearing many orthodox and credible priests speak is that most all sexual sins are taken sufficiently seriously by the Church to constitute grave matter; and anyone committing these sins, knowing full well that they are grave matters and nevertheless deliberately commits the sin, commits a mortal sin.

SIXTH COMMANDMENT
“You shall not commit adultery.” (Ex 20:14) “You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.” (Ex 20:17)

Note: In the area of deliberate sexual sins listed below, all are mortal sins if there is sufficient reflection and full consent of the will.

“No fornicators, idolaters, or adulterers, no sodomites,… will inherit the kingdom of God.” (1 Cor 6:9-10) “Anyone who looks lustfully at a woman has already committed adultery with her in his thoughts.” (Mt 5:28)

• Did I willfully entertain impure thoughts or desires?
• Did I use impure or suggestive words? Tell impure
stories? Listen to them?
• Did I deliberately look at impure TV, videos, plays,
pictures or movies? Or deliberately read impure
materials?
• Did I commit impure acts by myself (masturbation)?
• Did I commit impure acts with another - fornication
(premarital sex), adultery (sex with a married person)?
• Did I practice artificial birth control (by pills, device,
withdrawal)?
• Did I marry or advise anyone to marry outside the
Church?
• Did I avoid the occasions of impurity?
• Did I try to control my thoughts?
• Did I engage in homosexual activity?
• Did I respect all members of the opposite sex, or have
I thought of other people as objects?
• Did I or my spouse have sterilization done?
• Did I abuse my marriage rights?
scborromeo.org/confess.htm

Likewise, dating someone for years, assuming you are attracted to him/her, but not being able to fulfill those desires is equally trying. It’scertainly not a situation, I would put myself in for five years .

Kendy

I and prudence are in agreement with you.

 

[Kendy]

setter:

Because not all sins equally offend God. My understanding from hearing many orthodox and credible priests speak is that most all sexual sins are taken sufficiently seriously by the Church to constitute grave matter; and anyone committing these sins, knowing full well that they are grave matters and nevertheless deliberately commits the sin, commits a mortal sin.

scborromeo.org/confess.htm

I and prudence are in agreement with you.

Setter,

How does one abuse his/her marriage rights? Just wondering?

Kendy

 

[setter]

Kendy:

setter:

Setter,

How does one abuse his/her marriage rights? Just wondering?

Kendy

I honestly do not know. It sounds like someone not respecting his/her spouse when wanting to have legitimate sexual needs met. Maybe another poster can answer your question more knowledgably.

 

[ComradeAndrei]

Because not all sins equally offend God. My understanding from hearing many orthodox and credible priests speak is that most all sexual sins are taken sufficiently seriously by the Church to constitute grave matter; and anyone committing these sins, knowing full well that they are grave matters and nevertheless deliberately commits the sin, commits a mortal sin.

All sexual sins to constitute grave matter and are thus more “grevious” per se then most others (such as gluttony-it is rather more difficult to sin mortally with gluttony than it is with sexual sins).

That is probably why most folks see sexual sins as particularly bad, however, there are some worse. Spiritual sins (such as pride and hypocrisy) when taken to the mortal point, are worse than sins against chastity because they more greviously wound charity. Thus, we should never be too quick to judge anyone on sins of the flesh (and I’m not accusing anyone of doing this) because they appeal to a more base instinct and thus are “easier” to give in to.

 

[wcknight]

The estmates, I’ve heard is that 90% of males have had problems with masterbation, while only about 10% of females have. Certainly 90% of males are not mentally unstable or are in serious need of psychological help.

The vast majority of folks can and do eventually solve their problem without any sort of professional therapy, and a huge percentage of those folks do marry without any or very little problems down the road.

It would be almost impossible for everyone who masterbates to get professional help, plus it would be incredibly expensive to try to solve that problem by those means.

Regular confession does help tremendously, and in some ways is therapeutic. Fully realizing that masterbation is sinful is the first step toward solving the problem.

Wet dreams are perfectly natural, and do not go away especially if one is not sexually active. In fact it is natures way of purging the body from life producing materials that are not used during sexual activity.

I would think it would be much more embarassing to be caught masterbating as opposed to having a wet dream. As one poster said, having a wet dream is proof positive that one is not masterbating. Plus wet dreams occur very seldomly, maybe once every couple of weeks if even that often.

IF embarassment of a wet dream is the excuse, release once a week would be more than adequate to prevent wet dreams. Daily is an indication of a more sinful habit and not merely a ploy to prevent embarassment.

LJG, your friend does sound like a nice guy, and his problem is not insurmountable. I wish you both well and hope both will be happy together.

 

[Teutonic_Knight]

First it is a mortal sin. It can be hard to stop so have him stop immediatly. Nocturnal emissions is more preferably then committing a mortal sin

 

[AndyF]

Hi,

My fiance recently told me that he masturbates once a day. He said he does it to avoid the wet dreams that plague him. He lives in a college dormitory. He is a terribly shy man; he even feels embarassed to visit the bathroom if anyone else who knows him(even me) is in the vicinity of the bathroom. He has assured me that once we get married he will give up masturbation 'cos then he will be living with me and will never have to worry about wet dreams. I’ve know him for 5 years and he has never lied to me even once so I believe his explanation.

For my sake he once tried to give up masturbation. But after a few days he got so tense about the possibility of having a wet dream, that I told him to give up his self imposed abstinence. I’ve tried telling him that wet dreams are normal for men but he still gets very embarassed when they occur.

Neither of us has ever had any kind of sexual relationship in our life and in our case, we will wait until marriage. And my fiance gave up pornography for at least the last 5 years. He really tries his best to keep his mind pure at all times.

How serious is my fiance’s sin? I’ve read CCC 2352 and am unable to determine whether he is committing a mortal or venial sin. I wouldn’t like him to commit a mortal sin but at the same time I don’t want him to be so tense about the possibility that he will get a wet dream.

How can I help him?

Thank you for your advice.

I think he needs psychological counselling. The habit has gone on much too long, and there is no need to be embarrassed about a wet dream. If he tells no one, no one will know.

He’s shown he can’t handle it for the short time he tried stopping, so you know he doesn’t have much of a chance after marriage. He may need professional help to stop. On the serious scale, probably on the low end has it applies to a marriage threat. But these things have a danger of having an underlying cause which may be more sinister in nature, and may compound into something more serious. Nonetheless, there is no place for it in marriage and it needs to be resolved before hand.

Since it looks like it’s a psychological issue, I think the problem would be venial. But I would guess that would depend on how much of an effort he makes to correct the habit. Hold off marriage until you can see something more concrete develop, and hope it’s for the better. Good luck.

M2C

AndyF

 

[decn2b]

Which comes first the chicken or the egg. In this case which is the cause, masturbation or nocturnal emissions.

To be honest with you masturbation does not prevent nocturnal emissions so his theory on preventing them is flawed. In fact if he were to abstain from the act for an extended period of time he would likely stop having problems with “wet” dreams. If he is masturbating every day then he likely has a very serious problem, which in fact may cause problems with your intimate relations with him when you get married. I am talking about problems with lust. Lust is not a part of the marriage relationship and masterbation can attribute to problems with lust.

In the mean time the potential for embarassment can be remedied with proper attire and some tissues.

 

[vluvski]

A man who does not respect himself enough to avoid masturbation cannot be expected to respect you enough not to use you lustfully instead of having a proper attitude toward sex.

From someone who is having to work through somewhat similar issues in a new marriage, save yourself the heartache and DUMP HIM. If God’s plan is for the two of you to marry, He will be quite pleased to have you do so when both of you are in a condition to enter the covenant with a healthy disposition to the sacrament.

 

[setter]

I think he needs psychological counselling. The habit has gone on much too long, and there is no need to be embarrassed about a wet dream. If he tells no one, no one will know.

He’s shown he can’t handle it for the short time he tried stopping, so you know he doesn’t have much of a chance after marriage. He may need professional help to stop. On the serious scale, probably on the low end has it applies to a marriage threat. But these things have a danger of having an underlying cause which may be more sinister in nature, and may compound into something more serious. Nonetheless, there is no place for it in marriage and it needs to be resolved before hand.

Since it looks like it’s a psychological issue, I think the problem would be venial. But I would guess that would depend on how much of an effort he makes to correct the habit. Hold off marriage until you can see something more concrete develop, and hope it’s for the better. Good luck.

M2C

AndyF

The gospel calls belivers to decisively break with sin, not to accommodate sin, and to strive “for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.” Catholics shopuld be repulsed by the stench of sin, whether venial or grave, our own or of those we care about.

“And if your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away; it is better for you to enter life maimed or lame than with two hands or two feet to be thrown into the eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and throw it away; it is better for you to enter life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into the hell of fire.” Matthew 18: 8-9

“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant; later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with all men, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.” Hebrews 12: 11-14

 

[Teutonic_Knight]

Masturbation because it makes pleasure the sole purpose of the act. A gravely disordered sin is a mortal sin.

 

[Neo_Canaan]

Hi,

My fiance recently told me that he masturbates once a day. He said he does it to avoid the wet dreams that plague him. He lives in a college dormitory. He is a terribly shy man; he even feels embarassed to visit the bathroom if anyone else who knows him(even me) is in the vicinity of the bathroom. He has assured me that once we get married he will give up masturbation 'cos then he will be living with me and will never have to worry about wet dreams. I’ve know him for 5 years and he has never lied to me even once so I believe his explanation.

For my sake he once tried to give up masturbation. But after a few days he got so tense about the possibility of having a wet dream, that I told him to give up his self imposed abstinence. I’ve tried telling him that wet dreams are normal for men but he still gets very embarassed when they occur.

Neither of us has ever had any kind of sexual relationship in our life and in our case, we will wait until marriage. And my fiance gave up pornography for at least the last 5 years. He really tries his best to keep his mind pure at all times.

How serious is my fiance’s sin? I’ve read CCC 2352 and am unable to determine whether he is committing a mortal or venial sin. I wouldn’t like him to commit a mortal sin but at the same time I don’t want him to be so tense about the possibility that he will get a wet dream.

How can I help him?

Thank you for your advice.

Drop the guy, plain and simple.

 

[CRW]

Hi,

My fiance recently told me that he masturbates once a day. He said he does it to avoid the wet dreams that plague him. He lives in a college dormitory. He is a terribly shy man; he even feels embarassed to visit the bathroom if anyone else who knows him(even me) is in the vicinity of the bathroom. He has assured me that once we get married he will give up masturbation 'cos then he will be living with me and will never have to worry about wet dreams. I’ve know him for 5 years and he has never lied to me even once so I believe his explanation.

For my sake he once tried to give up masturbation. But after a few days he got so tense about the possibility of having a wet dream, that I told him to give up his self imposed abstinence. I’ve tried telling him that wet dreams are normal for men but he still gets very embarassed when they occur.

Neither of us has ever had any kind of sexual relationship in our life and in our case, we will wait until marriage. And my fiance gave up pornography for at least the last 5 years. He really tries his best to keep his mind pure at all times.

How serious is my fiance’s sin? I’ve read CCC 2352 and am unable to determine whether he is committing a mortal or venial sin. I wouldn’t like him to commit a mortal sin but at the same time I don’t want him to be so tense about the possibility that he will get a wet dream.

How can I help him?

Thank you for your advice.

Is you fiancé Catholic? If yes, has he discussed this in confession? Even if you and your fiancé believe that it is not a mortal sin, venial sins should also be discussed, especially when one has an attachment to the sin. The grace received in confession could help him defeat this habit.

 

[Aleii]

A man who does not respect himself enough to avoid masturbation cannot be expected to respect you enough not to use you lustfully instead of having a proper attitude toward sex.

From someone who is having to work through somewhat similar issues in a new marriage, save yourself the heartache and DUMP HIM. If God’s plan is for the two of you to marry, He will be quite pleased to have you do so when both of you are in a condition to enter the covenant with a healthy disposition to the sacrament.

Wow…
Are you saying you wish you never married your spouse because of their masturbation problem?

Every person has flaws. From reading the OP’s follow up post, it sounds like they have a wonderful relationship, and that this is overall a very good man. It sounds like this is something that can most likely be worked through. If a person runs away from another because of a flaw then no one would ever get married. One amazing thing about being married is that you are in a special position to really help your spouse through difficult times and problems/temptations. It seems too that he is in a more difficult/tempting situation than regular joe schmoe who is sitting there bored at home. Lets give this guy the benefit of the doubt that he is a good man and is trying

 

[setter]

A man who does not respect himself enough to avoid masturbation cannot be expected to respect you enough not to use you lustfully instead of having a proper attitude toward sex.

From someone who is having to work through somewhat similar issues in a new marriage, save yourself the heartache and DUMP HIM. If God’s plan is for the two of you to marry, He will be quite pleased to have you do so when both of you are in a condition to enter the covenant with a healthy disposition to the sacrament.

Good advice and a good reality check for this man and couple about the realities of married life and being a mature and faithful Catholic ready to enter a lifelong covenant of self-giving love.

An indefinite seperation (“DUMP HIM”) to go seperate ways would be the quickest way to help this man. If it is meant to be, then God will bring this couple back together. Staying together, and Lord forbid, marrying, is not the best remey or way to support this man to overcome his immaturity and sinful habit.

 

[AndyF]

The gospel calls belivers to decisively break with sin, not to accommodate sin, and to strive “for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.” Catholics shopuld be repulsed by the stench of sin, whether venial or grave, our own or of those we care about.

…What no advice for the afflicted?

Your past pastoral position, Post #12:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=1543262#poststop

2352 (excerpt) To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability. (CCC)

Where is the Setter of old, that Knight of the habitual sinner, the one imbued with the spirit of tolerance and determination to work with an individual to resolve his problems.?

“… there is no place for it in marriage and it needs to be resolved before hand.”

Self explainatory. The statement imposes a barrier to the expression of his habit, thus confining him to find resolution.

“I think he needs psychological counselling.”

First step in pastoral care in my opinion, and not uncommonly used in the Church for cases of possession, and a good place for it’s use here. There are many Catholic psychologists that can assist him.

Nope can’t see anything but good advice here.

You’ve made a complete turnaround in attitude, I really don’t know what to say.

AndyF

 

[setter]

You’ve made a complete turnaround in attitude, I really don’t know what to say.

AndyF

No need to be speechless. There is no attitude adjustment or inconsistency on my part. Just a different emphasis based on the presenting situation and need.

 

[Aleii]

I’m glad that God doesn’t “dump” us when we sin.

To all those saying the OP should dump this guy, would you be equally vigilant in dumping your own significant other when they sin, or, telling your own significant other that they should dump you because you have sinned?