Fiance masturbates. What do I do?

[setter]

I’m glad that God doesn’t “dump” us when we sin.

To all those saying the OP should dump this guy, would you be equally vigilant in dumping your own significant other when they sin, or, telling your own significant other that they should dump you because you have sinned?

Some issues (solitary sin habits) that directly impact relationship capacity are best worked out before entering into a relationship commitment. A bit of truth syrum and removing emotional distraction in order to sort out and resolve such an addictive habit – if one has such a choice available (not yet married or emotionally attached), then for sake of each other and future relationship health, yes “DUMP HIM”, until God otherwise brings the two together. You only go through life once, why start out limping in a marriage when the task is best left independently to “make straight paths for your feet”, and to get established on striving “the holiness without which no one will see the Lord”? IMHO.

“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant; later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with all men, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.” Hebrews 12: 11-14

 

[Aleii]

Why not try getting rid of the temptation first to see how he does? Can your fiancee live somewhere else alone? Can he sleep on a different time schedule? Can he sleep at a relative’s house and then do all other ‘living’ functions at the dorm?

 

[hasikelee]

OP:

The information you present in your post has inconsistencies.

Is your fiancee lying to you, and/or to himself? And would this be compulsive lying to protect his habit, malicious lying to deceive you, neurotic lying from some past experience?

Or does he have a biological issue that needs to be addressed? Wet dreams occurring frequently enough to require daily masturbation would certainly be an interesting case for a doctor, urologist or psychiatrist.

You are wondering what to do. Why not get more facts to decide the best pathway to go? He is presenting numerous symptoms and behaviors that could be from past sexual abuse. (Not conclusive, just possible).

He is presenting numerous inconsistencies that could be a symptom of lying to you. Or he could have an addiction. Or he could have a biological problem. He could be sick, mentally or physically. Or he could just want to masturbate and is lying to you to maintain that.

As you are now, you do not have enough information to help your fiancee. How willing is he to go to a doctor? Or receive counseling if no biological problem is discovered?

Masturbation is only one issue here. Even if the masturbation stopped after marriage, you still have many hurdles to overcome. How can you have satisfying, unifying sex with a man who is scared even to talk about underwear? Yet he believes sex will be so good as to stop masturbation?

Something is going on here.

 

[setter]

OP:

He is presenting numerous inconsistencies that could be a symptom of lying to you. Or he could have an addiction. Or he could have a biological problem. He could be sick, mentally or physically. Or he could just want to masturbate and is lying to you to maintain that.

Something is going on here.

Lying is a hallmark symptom of addiction.

 

[DailyBread]

The OP has not been active from what her profile states since April, so lets pray everything worked out, but sounds like we are not going to be anymore help on this forum for her.

 

[StephanieC]

People, check the dates on these threads that resurface!

This one ran most of its course in March; I think the OP is long gone…

 

[thechrismyster]

People, check the dates on these threads that resurface!

This one ran most of its course in March; I think the OP is long gone…

after reading this thread…

a.) my head is throbbing.

b.) the OP most likely high tailed it out of here quicker than lightning after reading the responses.

c.) wow. forget about the bible at CA… just everyone grab a stone and cast it. plank in eye. cast the stone. judge not… not applicable in this forum. just dump the poor guy and move on.

 

[setter]

after reading this thread…

a.) my head is throbbing.

b.) the OP most likely high tailed it out of here quicker than lightning after reading the responses.

c.) wow. forget about the bible at CA… just everyone grab a stone and cast it. plank in eye. cast the stone. judge not… not applicable in this forum. just dump the poor guy and move on.

I hope that your head throb is feeling better now after that cathartic dump.

 

[thechrismyster]

I hope that your head throb is feeling better now after that cathartic dump.

it wasn’t a cathartic dump. it was a subtle jab at the long winded, self righteous posts i’ve read on this thread.
c’mon… you’ve been on these boards long enough to know the difference.

 

[setter]

it wasn’t a cathartic dump. it was a subtle jab at the long winded, self righteous posts i’ve read on this thread.
c’mon… you’ve been on these boards long enough to know the difference.

My mistake, it felt like a cathartic dump …

 

[4HisChurch]

Why, exactly, is wanting sex everyday a problem in a marriage?

It can be a problem if the couple is using the only licit means (according to the Church) of regulating birth–Natural Family Planning. Unless they never want to avoid a pregancy at any time in their marriage, they will have to abstain from sex during the wife’s fertile time of the month.

 

[CuriousInIL]

It can be a problem if the couple is using the only licit means (according to the Church) of regulating birth–Natural Family Planning. Unless they never want to avoid a pregancy at any time in their marriage, they will have to abstain from sex during the wife’s fertile time of the month.

While a big part of me hesitates to respond to this, here I go anyway.
The question in my post was “Why, exactly, is ***wanting ***sex everyday a problem in a marriage?”
But, your response seems to be to a question I never asked, namely, “Why, exactly, is having sex everyday a problem in a marriage?”
Would you care to answer my question?

 

[YinYangMom]

While a big part of me hesitates to respond to this, here I go anyway.
The question in my post was “Why, exactly, is ***wanting ***sex everyday a problem in a marriage?”

Good golly…wanting sex every day? 365 days a year?
I would think a person who wants it every day has a psychological disorder of some sort. There’s a term for it, I just can’t recall it at the moment, but I do know there is are Sexaholic Anonymous groups out there to help with it.

God designed our wiring to be cyclical for a reason. From what I recall from my biology/human anatomy classes and based on personal experience, our hormonal levels don’t work that way. Certainly men’s wiring is different than women’s…don’t know why God did that, but He did.

From what I’ve been told guys wake up wanting sex every day since puberty, but certainly within a marriage - due to stresses of work and family - even that natural inclination toward thinking about it in the morning gets squashed from time to time. Enough to break the 365 day running streak.

 

[blackrobe]

Good golly…wanting sex every day? 365 days a year?
I would think a person who wants it every day has a psychological disorder of some sort. There’s a term for it, I just can’t recall it at the moment, but I do know there is are Sexaholic Anonymous groups out there to help with it.

I can’t recall a day in 30 years of marriage that I didn’t want to make love with my wife. If that constitutes sexual addiction I must hold the world’s record for living in withdrawal. On the upside, we know exactly when our daughter was conceived because we had only two “episodes” in the year preceding her birth. I don’t know if having it every day would lead to wanting it less but I’m willing to test the hypothesis.

My wife is a physician and she regularly receives requests from women [more often than men] about how to restore sexual response which has waned due to medication or other reasons. One patient recently complained that her libido was so diminshed she and her husband were down to once a day rather than four. Sigh.

JSA

 

[CuriousInIL]

From what I’ve been told guys wake up wanting sex every day since puberty, [Yep] but certainly within a marriage - due to stresses of work and family - even that natural inclination toward thinking about it in the morning gets squashed from time to time. [Nope] Enough to break the 365 day running streak.

My comments in*** bold.***

 

[ribozyme]

God designed our wiring to be cyclical for a reason. From what I recall from my biology/human anatomy classes and based on personal experience, our hormonal levels don’t work that way. Certainly men’s wiring is different than women’s…don’t know why God did that, but He did.

.

No, you mean Darwinian evolution, not God.

 

[Faith1960]

If I had to share a bed with another guy and it was noticable that something had happened during the night, then I would do the same thing.

Can you imagine being the other guy? What if you rolled over in it? I have to say, that I don’t blame him.

Where did you get the notion her fiance is sleeping in the same bed with another guy?

 

[LeahInancsi]

People, check the dates on these threads that resurface!

This one ran most of its course in March; I think the OP is long gone…

VERY long gone. After 5 whole posts. :bigyikes:

 

[BrownR]

A man who does not respect himself enough to avoid masturbation cannot be expected to respect you enough not to use you lustfully instead of having a proper attitude toward sex.

From someone who is having to work through somewhat similar issues in a new marriage, save yourself the heartache and DUMP HIM. If God’s plan is for the two of you to marry, He will be quite pleased to have you do so when both of you are in a condition to enter the covenant with a healthy disposition to the sacrament.

LOL, what’s wrong with some of you people. Sheesh. If masturbation is the worst sin that this guy is committing while carrying on a chaste life, then I secretly applaud him. Cut him some slack and quit prying about the issue. If you get married and the worst sin your husband is struggling with is the occasional “wrestling match with his Johnson”, then I’d say your marriage is in pretty good shape. I can’t believe some of you people are suggesting terminating a relationship with what sounds like a fine Catholic gentleman, all things considered. Bring those unrealistic expectations down a couple hundred clicks. Do you have any idea how rare fine Christian men are in today’s society? You actually want to throw one away over this? Are you so pious and righteous that you have no sin in your own life that could possibly compare? I don’t know you personally, but I would tend to doubt it. Good luck and God bless.

 

[risesun123]

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