Fiance went to strip club

[whatevergirl]

AlmostMarried;

I agree with some other posters, to an extent. But, in the end, it is up to you–only you know your fiance to determine if he could be trusted again, really. I would offer this though–not forgiving someone has a way of keeping us hostage. Hostage to the past, hostage to negative emotions that really cause us to not be our best for God. So, we are to forgive multiple times, as Christ states in the Bible…but, forgiveness and acceptance are not the same things. I just wanted to stress that I think you will find that you need to forgive for your own peace of mind, and because it’s what Christ does for us, when we mess up multiple times. But, it is important that you make it clear to him that you are gravely disappointed, and that you hope it never happens again.

I will say, that it’s not the ideal for entering into a marriage, as his thoughts and heart should be focused on you, and your future together. But, he seems to be very saddened, and hopefully, he will be repentant–which means turning away from things we do in order to reconcile. He will never be able to undo what took place…but he can become better for it.

 

[whatevergirl]

I think you have to let this one slide if he is a good guy.

It’s an isolated incident, and he seems truly repentent.

To me, this does not rise to the level of breaking an engagement.

IMHO it was stupid of him to tell you. He should have gone to Confession and forgot about it. Even Husband and Wife do not need to know each others sins.

It also worries me a little that you know of his past sex life, you really shouldn’t know anymore then that he had one, and is disease free. For you own sake, don’t ask any more detail. This was very good advice I got in Confession during our Pre Cana.

God Bless

it probably would have ‘come out’ either at the wedding, or before hand, since these are friends/family of his…better he told her, than she find out through the grapevine.

 

[Sina]

**Overall, **I think people are being too hard on him. It is nice to have high expectations of a future spouse, but people make mistakes. Nobody is perfect! There is no such thing as a perfect spouse.

Bilop, I have to disagree with you about knowing about your spouses sexual past or not. My DH had several sexual partners before marriage. I had to know about them because I was a virgin and I figured I deserved to continue with my disease free life. I do think it is important to discuss these things, if they happened. Your partner’s sexual history is part of your sexual history.

As for **Paul **who questioned whether going to the strip club and partaking in a lap dance was even sinful… YES is it sinful in several different ways. Lust, pornography come to mind… It is also disrespectful for women.

 

[Gaurdian]

Sweetie, you need to give this some time and really step back after a few days or even weeks, to really evaluate your feelings, his words and his actions. If he just went along for the ride and had a few too many drinks(remember someone who does not drink has a 2-3 drink max), that is one thing. If your groom is always at the Clubs, checking out every pair of legs that go by and make you feel completely inadequate, that is a whole different story. Does he tell you that you are the beautiful girl in the world or does he hint that you need to knock down another 10lbs before the wedding? I am not trying to be cold or insensitive, but your 29, not 19.

Either way after a week or two of reflection, you should decide if you can reconcile this or not in your own heart. If you can not for what ever reason, and you need to be honest with yourself and your fiancée you need to tell him. If this misstep is something you can never forgive him for and you will use this “all the days of your life” to whip him and nag him about this issue and any other missteps he may have, he has a right to know, so he can back out. Because the true you, will come out within months or 1-2yrs of marriage. Remember if you go through with this to save the embarrassment, the cost, etc. you are making it invalid anyway and he will have grounds to annul you later.

If you don’t think this young man is worthy of your perfection, then cast him off, walk out the door and simply cherry pick from the 10’s of millions of single 30’s Catholic men just waiting to be married.

I am a little surprised that the State Health Dept. still allows lap dancing though. Was this party in New Orleans?

I think you get my drift. Give yourself some time.

 

[agapewolf]

As far as postponing the wedding, the reason that is “not an option” is because of the thousands of dollars in deposits that would be lost. And because it is out of town for both of our families, numerous flights and reservations have already been purchased. I know people will say that it’s worth losing all that for the sake of this sacrament, but I don’t think postponement is the answer…I think getting help to find a way to work through this before then is.

.

I figured that was the reason. That doesn’t make it any better, in fact, you have openly admitted now how you are NOT going into your wedding date “freely”…simply because you have financially invested into the wedding date. How can you becoming freely now?

I help with marriage prep, and this is the biggest problem with such large affairs. The “committment” so to speak, has already been made with the wallet. But the VOWS are what matter.

I’m not giving advice here, I don’t know what you should do. Perhaps you can work things out before the date, but what if another issue comes up? What if you can’t work it out? What if this is a symptom of bigger things out there (although this is pretty big)? Would you be willing to call it off? If someone said this to me during marriage prep time, the priests I consult with would seriously consider postponing the wedding on this statement. Perhaps you should too. Money IS NOT a reason to “go ahead” with the wedding. Now you have 2 possibly invalidating factors…your fiance going to a strip club, in addition purchasing an “Extra” AND your hesitation (unwillingness, perhaps, I can’t tell from what you said where you are in this) to postpone/cancel a wedding because of financial investment.

I would hope you could work it out before, my prayers are with you. But please please please pray about this very seriously. It is better to experience pain and financial loss now than to break up a marriage later.

 

[bilop]

Bilop, I have to disagree with you about knowing about your spouses sexual past or not. My DH had several sexual partners before marriage. I had to know about them because I was a virgin and I figured I deserved to continue with my disease free life. I do think it is important to discuss these things, if they happened. Your partner’s sexual history is part of your sexual history.

Well, I said she had the right to know that he wasn’t a virgin, and was disease free. I think that’s all she should want to know.

There really is no need to go into number of partners, or names, or for how long, or what he did with them. I’ve gotten this advice from Priests, and I think it’s sound. You don’t need those pictures running around in your head.

God Bless

 

[PaulinVA]

**Overall, **

As for **Paul **who questioned whether going to the strip club and partaking in a lap dance was even sinful… YES is it sinful in several different ways. Lust, pornography come to mind… It is also disrespectful for women.

I didn’t question the sinfulness, of course it’s sinful. I commented on the finiance’s belief it was sinful.

 

[East_and_West]

I am telling you from experience, this stuff is usually only icing on the cake. I am sure you will find out way worse down the line. I think that if you did not already know that he was capable of doing something like this, then you didn’t know him well enough and should really reconsider the engagement. Maybe put off the wedding for a while and, in the mean time, get to know him better.

 

[East_and_West]

Well, I said she had the right to know that he wasn’t a virgin, and was disease free. I think that’s all she should want to know.

There really is no need to go into number of partners, or names, or for how long, or what he did with them. I’ve gotten this advice from Priests, and I think it’s sound. You don’t need those pictures running around in your head.

God Bless

Actually, it might be a good idea to know if he has had many partners. This will tell you something about his character and whether not he really is the man for you. Its better to know everything you can about him before taking the plunge.

 

[agapewolf]

Actually, it might be a good idea to know if he has had many partners. This will tell you something about his character and whether not he really is the man for you. Its better to know everything you can about him before taking the plunge.

It doens’t necessarily mean that. I have had a few friends who in their college days slept around quite a bit, but since that had a huge conversion of heart, reclaimed chastity and live it quite completely.

I agree, the past could say a lot. But it could also tell you the person who has grown past, and formed a concrete will against such bad habits in their past.

 

[AlmostMarried]

Answers to other questions…

I think his brother drove them to the strip club. I’m not sure how much he had to drink, but yes, thank God everyone is okay. It was in St. Louis. Apparently, the East Side has all sorts of strip clubs.

I don’t think he’s been tested for anything, but I will suggest that this happens before our wedding day (because of his past sexual history, not the lap dance-he was clothed and she was not fully nude).

I don’t know anything more about his sexual history other than a few names and length of some relationships. The details are not important and would only bother me to know. I don’t think it’s fair to hold his past against him if that’s not the person he is now.

We plan on having children right away. I know he would make a good father, in spite of this mistake, and we’re both ready for a family.

This definitely seems like a one-time incident. He has never given me any real reason to believe I am anything but the most wonderful and beautiful woman in the world to him.

Yes, I expressed my anger to him, and he understands why I am upset. He’s upset with himself too. We both have had to “accept” each other’s faults throughout the last two years and work through them in our relationship, so this is not a one-sided issue.

I should have been more clear in my answer about postponing the wedding. Deep inside, I believe this is something he and I can work through (I’m just trying to find out how to go about doing so), so I don’t see making the wedding date different or later as an option that makes sense (especially financially). I do not feel “bound” to marry him in July; I am freely choosing to do so.

I agree that I am called to forgive him. With it being such a fresh wound, I’m just having a hard time being able to do that yet.

I also do feel like I/we are being a bit tough on him, but I also don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Not that I’m seeking revenge or to make him feel horrible…I just want him to know how much I value what I believe is important in our relationship and how I feel he should treat and respect me. I’m not exactly perfect myself, so I don’t feel like I should throw our whole relationship to the curb just because of one (although big) mistake. I think he messed up because of the presence of alcohol and the presence of an old childhood friend (who is definitely not the best influence). Neither of these things are excuses, but I don’t see his behavior on Saturday night as indicative of who he truly is (I hope!).

 

[Sina]

I didn’t question the sinfulness, of course it’s sinful. I commented on the finiance’s belief it was sinful.

Sorry I re-read what you wrote and I see how you meant it.

 

[bilop]

Actually, it might be a good idea to know if he has had many partners. This will tell you something about his character and whether not he really is the man for you. Its better to know everything you can about him before taking the plunge.

She needs to know about his character, and his faith, now, not what it was in the past.

If he has a sinful past, and has repented, she shouldn’t hold his past against him, and knowing will just anger her.

I really don’t think one, or a few, visits to a strip club means a man is untrustworthy, or incapable of fidelity.

For example, this behavior is less disordered than porn/masturbation.

God Bless

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

She needs to know about his character, and his faith, now, not what it was in the past.
**
True, but his honesty and attitude about his past would tell her something about his present character.**

I really don’t think one, or a few, visits to a strip club means a man is untrustworthy, or incapable of fidelity.**

depends on the man.**

For example, this behavior is less disordered than porn/masturbation.

According to what standards? Personally I would put this on the same level as porn.

God Bless

 

[hasikelee]

Answers to other questions…

I think his brother drove them to the strip club. I’m not sure how much he had to drink, but yes, thank God everyone is okay. It was in St. Louis. Apparently, the East Side has all sorts of strip clubs.

I don’t think he’s been tested for anything, but I will suggest that this happens before our wedding day (because of his past sexual history, not the lap dance-he was clothed and she was not fully nude).

I don’t know anything more about his sexual history other than a few names and length of some relationships. The details are not important and would only bother me to know.

We plan on having children right away. I know he would make a good father, in spite of this mistake, and we’re both ready for a family.

This definitely seems like a one-time incident. He has never given me any real reason to believe I am anything but the most wonderful and beautiful woman in the world to him.

Yes, I expressed my anger to him, and he understands why I am upset. He’s upset with himself too. We both have had to “accept” each other’s faults throughout the last two years and work through them in our relationship.

I should have been more clear about my answer about postponing the wedding. Deep inside, I believe this is something he and I can work through (I’m just trying to find out how to go about doing so), so I don’t see making the wedding date different or later as an option that makes sense (especially financially). I do not feel “bound” to marry him in July; I am freely choosing to do so.

I agree that I am called to forgive him. With it being such a fresh wound, I’m just having a hard time being able to do that yet.

I also do feel like I/we are being a bit tough on him, but I also don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Not that I’m seeking revenge or to make him feel horrible…I just want him to know how much I value what I believe is important in our relationship and how I feel he should treat and respect me. I’m not exactly perfect myself, so I don’t feel like I should throw our whole relationship to the curb just because of one (although big) mistake.

I know crazy kids who rent buses to go to the east side. Thankfully they didn’t get pulled over, lol.

I agree about wanting him to know how important it is to you. That is my reasoning behind breaking off the engagement in my personal scenario. It’s all up to you, though, as this is your situation and you know him waay better than a bunch of people online.

Maybe you could both agree on a project to do (I know, I know, in the midst of wedding planning) that is related to what happened? I know Christopher West isn’t going to be around here anytime soon, so that is out of the question. But perhaps some volunteering, a visit to the local Al-anon or spiritual reading together?

This might sound corny, but doing something might help the whole process of forgiveness for both of you. If there’s one thing I didn’t know before getting married, it’s that keeping score or having one spouse feel “under” the other is surprisingly easy to feel in a relationship, even when both agree on moving past the issue and even when the issue is tiny (such as who forgot to buy toilet paper!)

If you guys do something together it could help reassure you that he is willing to work for the relationship and also give him a feeling of atonement. It would also keep you from losing all those pricey down payments, although that should never be an excuse to ignore gut instinct in other cases.

 

[bilop]

Feanaro’s Wife Quote:
Originally Posted by bilop
She needs to know about his character, and his faith, now, not what it was in the past.

True, but his honesty and attitude about his past would tell her something about his present character.

I really don’t think one, or a few, visits to a strip club means a man is untrustworthy, or incapable of fidelity.

depends on the man.

For example, this behavior is less disordered than porn/masturbation.

According to what standards? Personally I would put this on the same level as porn.

God Bless

Well, there’s less actual sexual conduct, and no depiction of weird sex acts. Also, being attracted to an actual naked woman is far more natural than ogling a visual image. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a mortal sin.

God Bless

 

[LittleOne1]

Hey AlmostMarried ,
Sorry to hear about your fiance’s actions… this certainly hurts you and it sure hurts him. I think it is hard for people here to give definite answers because we do not know the guy. Maybe this was in the heat of a moment and last minute jaunt that he fell to, but really he is never a person that would ever want to do this (pressure from the guys to be a “guy”). Maybe he does have some hidden problems that need to come out so you can fully know. At this point, you have a right to know since you plan to give your whole life to this person and you need full knowledge to do that. No one here can figure that out for you dear.

I say if everything he says sounds reasonable and he goes to confession, my next advice is to meet with your pre cana director or some trustworthy spiritual director to help you navigate this time and grow in holiness. Spend some time doing the rosary together and go to adoration. People fall, even great Saints, had not so great pasts, so the important this is to build the foundation of Christ to help for the future, whether its charitable service, or prayer, or doing another engagement retreat together. Ultimately find out the way this came to happen so he can avoid those situations in the future, like maybe not having exclusive time with the friend or moving on if this friend is going to continue to tempt him with this or other things. Better to lose a “friend” for your marriage and most especially for God.

 

[BlueRubies]

hi, my husband went to a strip club when we were MARRIED :banghead: :knight2: . His friends were taking him out for a night on the town and they took him there - he didn’t really know it was one until he was inside. He said he wanted to call me but we didn’t have cells and it was too freezing to walk all the way to the nearest gas station to call (his friends were the ones driving and they weren’t gonna go anywhere). Anyway, long story short, I went looking for him that night knowning he was in some sort of bar (not because I wanted to check up, but because I wanted to meet his friends) and I felt really drawn to that strip club and felt really strongly like God wanted me to go in there. I did and found my husband. I was really ticked off for a long long long time. In fact, I didn’t fully get over it for years really (I would say around 2-3 years). I mean I forgave, but I couldn’t forget.

Because I forgave that mean I had to go on faith though. He also made changes - first thing he did was drop all those friends since they almost caused something much more serious (a separation), and we got cell phones, lol. Anyway, this may take you a LONG time to get over, but you can still forget. If you get married to him, you have to be prepared for that to happen.

My husband now goes to salsa dancing clubs and stays out late because it helps him get exercise - he has type 2 diabetes and dancing helps keep his weight in check and sugar down. I don’t have doubts when he goes out. I think you will get over this as well.

 

[zachsmom]

I’m not sure what your options are about meeting with a Priest that you trust. The both of you could talk about the situation and how God can help to bring about a healing in your relationship.

Sins against purity are one of the deadliest and destructive sins in the sacrament of marriage. It destroys what God’s union really is meant to be. If you are both studying the Theology of the Body I am sure you are learning how important it is to guard our eyes against lust. And in the society in which we live this will take special Graces given by God himself. In order to receive these Graces, stay close to the sacraments. Especially Confession and frequent Communion.

If you have addoration at your Parish or a neighboring Parish, go and sit before our Lord Jesus Christ. Bring your pain, your hurt to Him. Pour out your feelings to Him and ask Him how to handle this. He will guide you. He will give you the Grace to forgive your soon to be husband.

Praying for you both…
Deanna

 

[AHapka]

IMHO it was stupid of him to tell you. He should have gone to Confession and forgot about it. Even Husband and Wife do not need to know each others sins.

For some sins I will agree with you it’s not that big of a deal (i.e. I was lazy at work and didn’t do anything for two hours, I was envious of a friends new car, a few days of acedia, etc).

However, for a sin that so directly affects the marriage, especially during the engagement period (which is a time of further discernment) it needs to be known and dealt with.

I would also say that a future wife would find it far easier to forgive a future husband who did this and told her, rather then perhaps lying about it? And then her finding out on her wedding night (hey, your hubby really enjoyed his last night of freedom at the strip club at the bachelor party)?

My advice to you, almostmarried, is that both of you use this situation to determine how you will address both marital and spiritual falls (which you both will have). All marriages will have their “for worse.” However, can you get through the “for worse” times and come out of it with a deeper love and stronger commitment to each other?

If you find that come the end of June you still are resentful or angry, and cannot forgive him, then you do need to postpone the marriage. If at the end of June you both are working together spiritually for a deeper level of commitment, then my best wishes to you both

Based on what you have told us of his reaction, I would think that he is truely repentant. It sounds like he also recognized that his first sin was abuse of alcohol which led him to an occasion of sin which allowed the second sin.