Fiance's Masturbation

[irishlass3399]

Recently, I asked my fiancé if he ever masturbated, and he said that he does daily. However, he does not think this is a sin. He doesn’t see why God would care about that. Does anyone have any advice on how to help see that it is wrong?

We are both Catholic, but a while ago, I had a deepening of my faith and a really strong desire for chastity. I decided that we had to stop sleeping together. He didn’t like that decision, but he has accepted it. But now that I’m talking to him about his masturbating, he’s upset that “I’m trying to take that away from him too.”

 

[Maine52]

You say you recently had a deepening in your faith… Maybe now that you have values that are different from his, you need to re-think how compatible the two of you are and if he is still a good match for you as a husband.

 

[bsf]

I commend you for your choice to become more chaste.

Catechism of the Catholic Church

2352 By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. “Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.”……

From the CCC glossary.

CHASTITY: The moral virtue which, under the cardinal virtue of temperance, provides for the successful integration of sexuality within the person leading to the inner unity of the bodily and spiritual being (2337). Chastity is called one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit.

We are all called to chastity, married and unmarried.

Does your fiancé view pornography? Your boyfriend’s sexuality is severely disordered, regardless.

Please pray to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to guide you in this matter. Please continue to make decisions that reflect your dignity as a child of God. Please do not remain in a relationship with an individual who does not strive for chastity.

I will pray for you and your fiancé.

 

[PaulGH]

I would be much more concerned about the fact that he does not see anything wrong with it (and that he evidently is not even embarrassed about it!), than the fact that he does it. If he is viewing porn too, that should also be a major concern (especially if he sees nothing wrong with that either).

It sounds like the two of you need to do some serious talking with each other, and maybe even pre-marriage counseling (preferably with a counselor who shares your Catholic values), in order to evaluate how much you do or do not agree on moral issues, and what that means for your upcoming marriage. For example, will he also disagree with Catholic teaching on contraception, NFP, and openness to life in marriage? Will he agree to be supportive of teaching your children the fullness of the Catholic faith?

I think it is better to ask these questions now, and to take whatever is the appropriate action based on the answers, than to have these issues come up unexpectedly later. I don’t know you, but I do know that you deserve to marry a man who will commit himself totally to you, not to some fantasy or to some woman in a porn video.

 

[PietroPaolo]

You say you recently had a deepening in your faith… Maybe now that you have values that are different from his, you need to re-think how compatible the two of you are and if he is still a good match for you as a husband.

You aren’t suggesting the OP considers divorcing her husband, are you? Such a course of action would be more sinful than the husband’s daily masturbation. At least he has the excuse of being a poorly formed Catholic. We don’t just leave our spouses, breaking sacred vows to God in the process, because of compatibility issues.

 

[irishlass3399]

Thank you for your prayers!

He does not look at pornography, although he did when he was a teenager.

We will be starting our pre-marital counseling in the next few months. He doesn’t fully understand the Church’s teachings on contraception, but he has agreed to use NFP.

I want to help him. I just need advice on how to show him how this is wrong.

 

[PietroPaolo]

Thank you for your prayers!

He does not look at pornography, although he did when he was a teenager.

We will be starting our pre-marital counseling in the next few months. He doesn’t fully understand the Church’s teachings on contraception, but he has agreed to use NFP.

I want to help him. I just need advice on how to show him how this is wrong.

How Catholic is he? Does he attend Mass weekly? Does he go to confession? Does he believe the Church teaches with Divine authority?

 

[SuperLuigi]

Thank you for your prayers!

He does not look at pornography, although he did when he was a teenager.

We will be starting our pre-marital counseling in the next few months. He doesn’t fully understand the Church’s teachings on contraception, but he has agreed to use NFP.

I want to help him. I just need advice on how to show him how this is wrong.

Typically, when people need to see if something is right or wrong, they need logical reasons, not just “because I said so”.

This is something you may want to discuss at your meetings with the priest if that would help.

Also, keep in mind that just being married may not mean he can quit, at least right away.

You seem to have patient and compassionate with him, but please just bear in mind that marriage doesn’t magically someone ordinarily either.

 

[PietroPaolo]

I just posted a blog on a similar topic that might help you, if interested you can read it HERE.

 

[PietroPaolo]

Typically, when people need to see if something is right or wrong, they need logical reasons, not just “because I said so”.

This is something you may want to discuss at your meetings with the priest if that would help.

Also, keep in mind that just being married may not mean he can quit, at least right away.

You seem to have patient and compassionate with him, but please just bear in mind that marriage doesn’t magically someone ordinarily either.

Good point. The Catechism specifically mentions the difficulty that many can face with stopping that habit:

*By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. “Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.” “The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of “the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved.”

To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability. * (2352)

 

[PaulGH]

Thank you for your prayers!

He does not look at pornography, although he did when he was a teenager.

We will be starting our pre-marital counseling in the next few months. He doesn’t fully understand the Church’s teachings on contraception, but he has agreed to use NFP.

I want to help him. I just need advice on how to show him how this is wrong.

Those are two very good signs (no pornography, and agreeing to use NFP). So I am willing to back off somewhat from the warnings I gave you in my previous post, but still please be careful.

I think that the best way to explain why it is wrong is to help him to understand that sexuality is something for you and him to share together, once you are married. If he is having that experience by himself, it cheapens the experience when the two of you are together. It makes your experience together less special, if your experience together is just a better version of something that he does by himself every day. It should be something that only the two of you share. When he has that experience by himself, he is being selfish, and not sharing himself with you. And if he is fantasizing about some other woman, then he is cheating on you in his mind. (Look up what Jesus said about lusting after someone other than your spouse.)

Also, one more thing to consider: If he can’t or won’t abstain now, before your are married, then he is probably going to have trouble abstaining when using NFP to avoid pregnancy – or during other times when husbands and wives have to abstain (due to health problems, childbirth, business trips, etc.). This is something that could be an issue later on.

 

[tawny]

I commend you for your choice to become more chaste.

Catechism of the Catholic Church

2352 By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. “Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.”……

From the CCC glossary.

CHASTITY: The moral virtue which, under the cardinal virtue of temperance, provides for the successful integration of sexuality within the person leading to the inner unity of the bodily and spiritual being (2337). Chastity is called one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit.

We are all called to chastity, married and unmarried.

Does your fiancé view pornography? Your boyfriend’s sexuality is severely disordered, regardless.

Please pray to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to guide you in this matter. Please continue to make decisions that reflect your dignity as a child of God. Please do not remain in a relationship with an individual who does not strive for chastity.

I will pray for you and your fiancé.

Well stated.

 

[irishlass3399]

Those are two very good signs (no pornography, and agreeing to use NFP). So I am willing to back off somewhat from the warnings I gave you in my previous post, but still please be careful.

I think that the best way to explain why it is wrong is to help him to understand that sexuality is something for you and him to share together, once you are married. If he is having that experience by himself, it cheapens the experience when the two of you are together. It makes your experience together less special, if your experience together is just a better version of something that he does by himself every day. It should be something that only the two of you share. When he has that experience by himself, he is being selfish, and not sharing himself with you. And if he is fantasizing about some other woman, then he is cheating on you in his mind. (Look up what Jesus said about lusting after someone other than your spouse.)

Also, one more thing to consider: If he can’t or won’t abstain now, before your are married, then he is probably going to have trouble abstaining when using NFP to avoid pregnancy – or during other times when husbands and wives have to abstain (due to health problems, childbirth, business trips, etc.). This is something that could be an issue later on.

Thank you for your advice! I will try explaining it to him tonight!

 

[Kitti]

Recently, I asked my fiancé if he ever masturbated, and he said that he does daily. However, he does not think this is a sin. He doesn’t see why God would care about that. Does anyone have any advice on how to help see that it is wrong?

We are both Catholic, but a while ago, I had a deepening of my faith and a really strong desire for chastity. I decided that we had to stop sleeping together. He didn’t like that decision, but he has accepted it. But now that I’m talking to him about his masturbating, he’s upset that “I’m trying to take that away from him too.”

Well when you are married, he is not really allowed to have sex with anyone else, you are contracted to have sex together. If you want chastity and he wants sex, what shall he do?

Masturbate. When you are a couple you have to remember he is there as well, so his needs should be met as well. Was you chastity a reaction to him masturbating or an independent decision?

What might work is put him in chastity. It should increase his interest in you. (less sex but better sex and a more devoted husband) Would that appeal to you?

 

[PaulGH]

Well when you are married, he is not really allowed to have sex with anyone else, you are contracted to have sex together. If you want chastity and he wants sex, what shall he do?

Masturbate. When you are a couple you have to remember he is there as well, so his needs should be met as well. Was you chastity a reaction to him masturbating or an independent decision?

What might work is put him in chastity. It should increase his interest in you. (less sex but better sex and a more devoted husband) Would that appeal to you?

Just to clarify, I don’t think that the OP is advocating that they should be abstinent AFTER they are married. They are not married yet, so until they are married, she wants to be abstinent, in keeping with church teaching.

 

[2chickens]

A indian doctor (sexologist) had once said “there is no difference between masturbation and sexual intercourse. Do it this way or that way”

 

[Kitti]

Just to clarify, I don’t think that the OP is advocating that they should be abstinent AFTER they are married. They are not married yet, so until they are married, she wants to be abstinent, in keeping with church teaching.

ah ok. that makes sense. still a c belt might be a good idea since it helps train discipline.
I don’t mean all the time, just on occasion.

 

[Kitti]

A indian doctor (sexologist) had once said “there is no difference between masturbation and sexual intercourse. Do it this way or that way”

There is a big difference. If someone masturbates for a long time, they become antisocial. They don’t need anyone for sex any more. Of course most people will have sex as well as masturbate so will combine the two. A single man masturbating for say 10-15 years, usually gets used to it though. Not great.

 

[Kitti]

Recently, I asked my fiancé if he ever masturbated, and he said that he does daily. However, he does not think this is a sin. He doesn’t see why God would care about that. Does anyone have any advice on how to help see that it is wrong?

We are both Catholic, but a while ago, I had a deepening of my faith and a really strong desire for chastity. I decided that we had to stop sleeping together. He didn’t like that decision, but he has accepted it. But now that I’m talking to him about his masturbating, he’s upset that “I’m trying to take that away from him too.”

Also you are kind of going backwards, there is no consistency. If you believe you should not have sex before marriage you should not, and tell him as well. However you did have sex, and have then stopped. Was he masturbating as well as having intercourse or has only started masturbating since there is no sex?

If he only started it since you have stopped having sex with him, you are fighting. If you want to take control of this situation you can of course do what you did, have sex before marriage and then say it’s actually wrong and expect him to suddenly adhere to it.

Or you can give him sex, but always less than what he wants. Treat them mean keep them keen. What you are doing at the moment is confusing him and driving him away.

I find that if you want to control someone you always have to account for their feelings. It’s not actually knowing what you want it’s knowing what they want. And yes knowing what you want as well, in that it’s consistent and does not confuse him.

 

[2chickens]

There is a big difference. If someone masturbates for a long time, they become antisocial. They don’t need anyone for sex any more. Of course most people will have sex as well as masturbate so will combine the two. A single man masturbating for say 10-15 years, usually gets used to it though. Not great.

That means women encourage men for sex.