Fiance's Masturbation

[Kitti]

That means women encourage men for sex.

not sure what you mean

 

[2chickens]

not sure what you mean

Cody of “Dual Survival” on Discovery channel said “he did not wear shoes/footwear for past 22 years”

 

[Celtic_Maiden]

A indian doctor (sexologist) had once said “there is no difference between masturbation and sexual intercourse. Do it this way or that way”

What does that meant to mean ?

Was the Doctor a Catholic, if not , he would not know how a Catholics should conduct his life, maybe the Orthodox have different teachings than us Catholics.

 

[Deus_tecum]

You mention that he sees nothing wrong with it. With most bad habits and things of an addictive nature, one often cannot see anything wrong with it until they stop for a good length of time.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thank you for your prayers!

He does not look at pornography, although he did when he was a teenager.

We will be starting our pre-marital counseling in the next few months. He doesn’t fully understand the Church’s teachings on contraception, but he has agreed to use NFP.

I want to help him. I just need advice on how to show him how this is wrong.

Congrats on your recent conversion of heart! Bless you!
I suggest both you and he look at this from a logical aspect.
You should logically be asking yourself that he says he does not view porography but I would be suspect of that. He may close his eyes and think of you but in this day and age when pronography is so readily available for free on your phone or computer it does not make sense that he sees no problem with masturbation, had premarital sex, and does not understand the Church’s teaching on birth control but yet draws the moral line with pornography? When I have failed and masturbated, porn was the perfect companion for my sin. The “graphy” part is the part that men tend to find sexual. We are sexual sight people. That is why porn is such a huge moneymaker. You should also logically look at the idea of NFP not being something he understands but agrees to. Ideally you should both be committed to this. And understand it. It is worth noting that NFP is not a Catholic requirement. You do not have to use NFP. But you cannot use ABC. If he is masturbating and sees nothing wrong with it, it is obvious that it would follow that he will have a hard time with NFP. And being a former NFP instructor, I will tell you,you will need both of you to be COMMITTED to this and fully understand it. If he is along for the ride, NFP will fail, and then either your marriage or faith or both will suffer.

You need to have a conversation with him, and ask him logical questions. Like why he does not view porn but has no problem with mental porn. Or why or what he does not understand about sex, procreation, you faith and life.

Your job as a spouse is to help the other person get to heaven. He may grow in his faith, he may help you be more holy. It may work out. But you owe it to yourself as you are rethinking and recommitting to your faith to reevaluate your potential mate. It is your soul and his that hang in the balance.

As for showing him. Pick up a catechism, tell him that in it are the infallible Truths of the faith and ask him if he believes the Catholic faith. Ask him if he believes Jesus and in the Eucharist and in the Church. Then, show him that his own faith his own God, says it is wrong, and though through lust and pride he may not agree, he is obliged to obey his Lord and Savior. And see what he says.

 

[Sugabee43]

IrishLass, I can fully relate to your dilemma. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t know about my husband’s addiction until after we were married. I can tell you that it most certainly hurts our present relationship, because it distances us from each other. It creates holes in our intimacy. He says he didn’t know it was an addiction until after he started seeing a therapist (and he’s been seeing counselors long before we met); I really do not know if that’s true or not. Part of me thinks that he’s smart enough to know that masturbating on a daily, if not multi-daily, basis is disordered. I can tell you, also, that if I had known about it before we were married (in addition to a few other concerns), my “yes” might well have been a “no”.

My point is, I suppose, that you need to do some CAREFUL discernment, coupled with open discussion and counseling so that you BOTH know the teachings of the Faith, and whether both of you can abide by those caveats.

Prayers for both of you.

 

[Captain_America]

DAILY sounds like a ton of masturbation. I don’t think I was doing anything near that even as a teenager. Now I’m old enough to have lost the interest; it was never anything major to begin with.

So I’m kind of confused at how much appetite he’s got for this.

FWIW, you may want to point out that masturbation tends to inhibit personal relationships, and not just those with a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, but all relationships. It’s also immature and nothing much to be proud of. I suppose the best way to see it is that it’s ultimately a real negative for an adult.

 

[Sugabee43]

DAILY sounds like a ton of masturbation. I don’t think I was doing anything near that even as a teenager. Now I’m old enough to have lost the interest; it was never anything major to begin with.

So I’m kind of confused at how much appetite he’s got for this.

FWIW, you may want to point out that masturbation tends to inhibit personal relationships, and not just those with a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, but all relationships. It’s also immature and nothing much to be proud of. I suppose the best way to see it is that it’s ultimately a real negative for an adult.

AMEN to THAT!

 

[mommamaree]

Recently, I asked my fiancé if he ever masturbated, and he said that he does daily. However, he does not think this is a sin. He doesn’t see why God would care about that. Does anyone have any advice on how to help see that it is wrong?

We are both Catholic, but a while ago, I had a deepening of my faith and a really strong desire for chastity. I decided that we had to stop sleeping together. He didn’t like that decision, but he has accepted it. But now that I’m talking to him about his masturbating, he’s upset that “I’m trying to take that away from him too.”

Daily?! This is a huge red flag. It sounds like an addiction, and it has the potential to cause tremendous problems in marriage. If he is accustomed to having release whenever he feels like it, then how will he treat you with respect to your sexual relationship?
I think you really need to speak to a priest about this. Men who have addictions to masturbation can then become very selfish within marriage, being very demanding about the frequency and nature of sexual encounters, very petulant if a wife does not respond as heartily and readily as his imaginary harem, and very dismissive of his wife’s needs for affection and sexual enjoyment. The woman in their minds never needs to be warmed up for the act, never needs any loving attention to be receptive and to enjoy it, never is sick or pregnant or unavailable. In short, a real-life woman is far too much work, when a climax can be had so cheaply on their own.
This issue is one that would be a deal-breaker for me, personally. I understand you love this man already, and are planning a marriage to him. In your shoes, I would probably proceed with great trepidation, get plenty of help from priests and spiritual advisors, and make it clear to the fiance that this will not be acceptable within marriage and must be resolved prior to exchange of vows. If he would not accept that, and could not attempt to learn and understand the Church’s teachings about chastity, that would break my heart, but I doubt I would have the strength to go through all of the pain and difficulty this addiction would bring.
I do hope your fiance is able to understand this someday. This is a very hard thing for you to deal with. You will be in my prayers, as will all relationships that are suffering because of unchastity.

 

[The_Bucket]

I’m not excusing it, condoning it or attempting in any way to normalize it… but I think many people, especially women, would be really, really surprised with how many men masturbate on a daily basis and think absolutely nothing of it.

 

[Sugabee43]

Daily?! This is a huge red flag. It sounds like an addiction, and it has the potential to cause tremendous problems in marriage. If he is accustomed to having release whenever he feels like it, then how will he treat you with respect to your sexual relationship?
I think you really need to speak to a priest about this. Men who have addictions to masturbation can then become very selfish within marriage, being very demanding about the frequency and nature of sexual encounters, very petulant if a wife does not respond as heartily and readily as his imaginary harem, and very dismissive of his wife’s needs for affection and sexual enjoyment. The woman in their minds never needs to be warmed up for the act, never needs any loving attention to be receptive and to enjoy it, never is sick or pregnant or unavailable. In short, a real-life woman is far too much work, when a climax can be had so cheaply on their own.
This issue is one that would be a deal-breaker for me, personally. I understand you love this man already, and are planning a marriage to him. In your shoes, I would probably proceed with great trepidation, get plenty of help from priests and spiritual advisors, and make it clear to the fiance that this will not be acceptable within marriage and must be resolved prior to exchange of vows. If he would not accept that, and could not attempt to learn and understand the Church’s teachings about chastity, that would break my heart, but I doubt I would have the strength to go through all of the pain and difficulty this addiction would bring.
I do hope your fiance is able to understand this someday. This is a very hard thing for you to deal with. You will be in my prayers, as will all relationships that are suffering because of unchastity.

Your words ring very true, my dear. I, unfortunately, can attest to this. I REALLY wish I had known ahead of time. Not on topic, but pray for me, and my husband.

 

[Sugabee43]

I’m not excusing it, condoning it or attempting in any way to normalize it… but I think many people, especially women, would be really, really surprised with how many men masturbate on a daily basis and think absolutely nothing of it.

Bucket, I don’t doubt this - especially with the current worldview, even among Christians, that there’s nothing wrong with it. But it SO does mess with a wife’s head - and for women in particular, alot of sex is mind over matter, if you know what I mean. It’s difficult for a woman to put aside the fact that she KNOWS her husband is constantly watching/lusting after women (whether on screen or in person) and fantasizing during sex and masturbation - and not have that affect her self-worth and question his loyalty to her as a woman and a wife.

 

[The_Bucket]

Bucket, I don’t doubt this - especially with the current worldview, even among Christians, that there’s nothing wrong with it. But it SO does mess with a wife’s head - and for women in particular, alot of sex is mind over matter, if you know what I mean. It’s difficult for a woman to put aside the fact that she KNOWS her husband is constantly watching/lusting after women (whether on screen or in person) and fantasizing during sex and masturbation - and not have that affect her self-worth and question his loyalty to her as a woman and a wife.

Yes indeed. It’s messed with my wife’s feeling of self-worth and her trust in me. Of course, my issue goes beyond “merely” disagreeing with the Church’s doctrine and “thinking nothing of it.” I absolutely agree with the doctrine and nevertheless had a serious addiction that completely altered my personality and caused me to be borderline psychologically abusive.

I do not think most men who engage in these sins, even on a daily basis, are addicted… but I do think it nevertheless stunts their emotional and spiritual growth. As for me, I absolutely and positively was addicted. I literally could not function without pornography and masturbation as an outlet for daily anxieties… and yet it was also destroying my soul and turning me into just a really bad guy. That’s pretty much the definition of addicted.

 

[LittleRose]

Recently, I asked my fiancé if he ever masturbated, and he said that he does daily. However, he does not think this is a sin. He doesn’t see why God would care about that. Does anyone have any advice on how to help see that it is wrong?

We are both Catholic, but a while ago, I had a deepening of my faith and a really strong desire for chastity. I decided that we had to stop sleeping together. He didn’t like that decision, but he has accepted it. But now that I’m talking to him about his masturbating, he’s upset that “I’m trying to take that away from him too.”

This is a big enough problem, I’d suggest postponing the wedding until he gets a handle on this. It’s a difficult thing to overcome, and even if he wants to quit, it will take him awhile. Don’t start a marriage with this hanging over your heads. It is an issue of fidelity. He is basically cheating on you…with himself.

 

[Sugabee43]

Yes indeed. It’s messed with my wife’s feeling of self-worth and her trust in me. Of course, my issue goes beyond “merely” disagreeing with the Church’s doctrine and “thinking nothing of it.” I absolutely agree with the doctrine and nevertheless had a serious addiction that completely altered my personality and caused me to be borderline psychologically abusive.

I do not think most men who engage in these sins, even on a daily basis, are addicted… but I do think it nevertheless stunts their emotional and spiritual growth. As for me, I absolutely and positively was addicted. I literally could not function without pornography and masturbation as an outlet for daily anxieties… and yet it was also destroying my soul and turning me into just a really bad guy. That’s pretty much the definition of addicted.

So how did you overcome it? My husband definitely uses it as a stress relief, among other things. He’s tried counseling, prayer, all kinds of things but nothing seems to work.

 

[Rau]

Recently, I asked my fiancé if he ever masturbated, and he said that he does daily. However, he does not think this is a sin. He doesn’t see why God would care about that. Does anyone have any advice on how to help see that it is wrong?

We are both Catholic, but a while ago, I had a deepening of my faith and a really strong desire for chastity. I decided that we had to stop sleeping together. He didn’t like that decision, but he has accepted it. But now that I’m talking to him about his masturbating, he’s upset that “I’m trying to take that away from him too.”

Curious he was comfortable to admit to a daily habit, feeling no embarrassment. I assume you were sleeping together infrequently, which provided the motivation for him to continue, despite your relationship. Certainly, I could understand a wife feeling offended if her husband masturbated.

Are you able to point to any personal experience with the same issue and admit that to your husband and share your own thinking with him about overcoming it.

 

[bmaj]

Congrats on your recent conversion of heart! Bless you!
I suggest both you and he look at this from a logical aspect.
You should logically be asking yourself that he says he does not view porography but I would be suspect of that. He may close his eyes and think of you but in this day and age when pronography is so readily available for free on your phone or computer it does not make sense that he sees no problem with masturbation, had premarital sex, and does not understand the Church’s teaching on birth control but yet draws the moral line with pornography? When I have failed and masturbated, porn was the perfect companion for my sin. The “graphy” part is the part that men tend to find sexual. We are sexual sight people. That is why porn is such a huge moneymaker. …
Your job as a spouse is to help the other person get to heaven. He may grow in his faith, he may help you be more holy. It may work out. But you owe it to yourself as you are rethinking and recommitting to your faith to reevaluate your potential mate. It is your soul and his that hang in the balance.

As for showing him. Pick up a catechism, tell him that in it are the infallible Truths of the faith and ask him if he believes the Catholic faith. Ask him if he believes Jesus and in the Eucharist and in the Church. Then, show him that his own faith his own God, says it is wrong, and though through lust and pride he may not agree, he is obliged to obey his Lord and Savior. And see what he says.

I would also be suspect of him saying he doesn’t view pornography, but I hope he doesn’t. Or maybe he used to and is still conjuring up those images in his mind when he masturbates. Either way, it hurts a fiance/girlfriend/wife in so many ways to know that their partner is doing this - and continues to hurt her deeply for years to come. I’m one of those wives, and it’s rough. Since it appears he doesn’t seem to think there’s anything wrong with it, if I were you I would stop and think a lot harder about whether marriage would be the best thing with this man. You might be signing up for a very difficult future.
Prayers for you and all women going through this in their relationships.

 

[The_Bucket]

Curious he was comfortable to admit to a daily habit, feeling no embarrassment. I assume you were sleeping together infrequently, which provided the motivation for him to continue, despite your relationship. Certainly, I could understand a wife feeling offended if her husband masturbated.

Are you able to point to any personal experience with the same issue and admit that to your husband and share your own thinking with him about overcoming it.

Again, I think you might be surprised with the attitude many people have towards it. Maybe not the pornography aspect, which is still generally seen as immoral… but masturbation? Yeah I mean some people look at it in terms of habitual action as “serious” as picking one’s nose. Not something you do in public and not particularly pretty, but not a moral issue.

I’m not normalizing it; God knows I understand the serious harm it can do. I’m just stating what I perceive to be generally accepted reality for many men. And women for that matter.

 

[pwlj_christ87]

well there are an umber of reasons why being unchaste is wrong and disordered… and i had a tough time describing to the girl that im dating, i had a tough time with this sin for a LONG time and i went to confession every morning… over and over and over and over again.

i ended up buying the book “love and responsibility” by pope john paul 2 nd learned about different terms like sensual desire, carnal desire etc.

once you learn the truths about sexuality… .and the disgusting association between making your body an object of use, lie the porn actors do… you wont want to look at it… youll realize the harm in it… the fact that love is not manifest in such “pleasure” that it is mere lust with no foundation…

i would recommend talking to your husband about this more… in my opinion it impairs your relatiionship because the needs should be met by the spouse, (marreid)… nd that is what jesus talked about…

 

[Tiffany10]

Recently, I asked my fiancé if he ever masturbated, and he said that he does daily. However, he does not think this is a sin. He doesn’t see why God would care about that. Does anyone have any advice on how to help see that it is wrong?

We are both Catholic, but a while ago, I had a deepening of my faith and a really strong desire for chastity. I decided that we had to stop sleeping together. He didn’t like that decision, but he has accepted it. But now that I’m talking to him about his masturbating, he’s upset that “I’m trying to take that away from him too.”

Maybe your asking to much of him, he can’t be your shadow, he can’t be a puppet …
Males do that stuff, maybe your not into it ,but he is a male…