Fiance's past

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JMJ2017

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Hi forum,

How does one get over significant other’s past? My fiance was the first person I loved, kissed, and the only relationship I’ve been in. Before he met me he wasn’t a practicing Catholic and has a history sleeping with two of his ex girlfriends. Unfortunately I’ve run across many photos and e-mails of his exes and this has been haunting me ever since. I apologized and he forgave me. God willing we’re getting married in 7 months and sleeping with each other for the first time. I’m worried I’ll bring back memories of his exes or might not be as good as them. 😦 I know I will only be able to over come this with God’s help. Please keep me in your prayers.

T
 
JMJ2017 said:
Hi forum,

How does one get over significant other’s past? My fiance was the first person I loved, kissed, and the only relationship I’ve been in. Before he met me he wasn’t a practicing Catholic and has a history sleeping with two of his ex girlfriends. Unfortunately I’ve run across many photos and e-mails of his exes and this has been haunting me ever since. I apologized and he forgave me. God willing we’re getting married in 7 months and sleeping with each other for the first time. I’m worried I’ll bring back memories of his exes or might not be as good as them. 😦 I know I will only be able to over come this with God’s help. Please keep me in your prayers.

T
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I’m not sure what to say, but it sounds like your boyfriend is a practicing Catholic and chaste now. He wants to marry you and he loves you. I can see how his past would bother you, but I don’t think he’s likely to compare you unfavorably to those women. You’ve won already. You’re the one he loves enough to marry. I don’t know enough about the two of you to assert much with any confidence, but if everything else is on track, hopefully you guys will be able to work through this. A lot of men have bigger sexual pasts than this. I’m not saying that to be dismissive, but just pointing out that it could be a lot worse. I’ve never dated a man who slept with only two women! From my perspective the two of you seem very blessed.

I’m sorry it’s so painful though. Truly the ideal would be for both of you to be virgins, but sadly that really isn’t how things normally play out. It is sad though. 😦 I wish our society valued chastity for both sexes. God bless.
 
JMJ2017 said:
I’m worried I’ll bring back memories of his exes or might not be as good as them.
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You shouldn’t worry about such things. Most people, including my wife and I, don’t give this a second thought. The past is the past, and if the person’s behavior has changed forget about it. In the case of both my wife and I, what happened with regard to this issue is such a far off thought it is as if it never happened in the first place.

The “not being as good as them” matter is simply an insecurity issue. This isn’t a contest. The reality of the situation is that people are just different; there is no “better.” Also, there is a world of difference between simply have sex with an ex-girlfriend and sex with a wife.

I would highly recommend overcoming this issue prior to marriage (through prayer, counseling, etc.). It can be very damaging entering a marriage with such a major issue hanging over your head.

I wish you the best with your marriage; God Bless.
 
JMJ2017 said:
Hi forum,

How does one get over significant other’s past? My fiance was the first person I loved, kissed, and the only relationship I’ve been in. Before he met me he wasn’t a practicing Catholic and has a history sleeping with two of his ex girlfriends. Unfortunately I’ve run across many photos and e-mails of his exes and this has been haunting me ever since. I apologized and he forgave me. God willing we’re getting married in 7 months and sleeping with each other for the first time. I’m worried I’ll bring back memories of his exes or might not be as good as them. 😦 I know I will only be able to over come this with God’s help. Please keep me in your prayers.

T
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Hi JMJ - Why does he still have the e-mails and photos of his ex-girlfriends?
 
FriendlyFace said:
I’m not sure what to say, but it sounds like your boyfriend is a practicing Catholic and chaste now. He wants to marry you and he loves you. I can see how his past would bother you, but I don’t think he’s likely to compare you unfavorably to those women. You’ve won already. You’re the one he loves enough to marry. I don’t know enough about the two of you to assert much with any confidence, but if everything else is on track, hopefully you guys will be able to work through this. A lot of men have bigger sexual pasts than this. I’m not saying that to be dismissive, but just pointing out that it could be a lot worse. I’ve never dated a man who slept with only two women! From my perspective the two of you seem very blessed.

I’m sorry it’s so painful though. Truly the ideal would be for both of you to be virgins, but sadly that really isn’t how things normally play out. It is sad though. 😦 I wish our society valued chastity for both sexes. God bless.
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Me too! It’s so unfair to only value chastity in women and how if a woman is super unchaste (as in with other people. The more private stuff is normally not talked about of course) she’s called/thought of as a whore or slut, but there’s no official nasty name for a man who’s like that. (I’m not saying people should be called nasty names because they shouldn’t, but fair is fair.)
 
JMJ2017 said:
Hi forum,

How does one get over significant other’s past? My fiance was the first person I loved, kissed, and the only relationship I’ve been in. Before he met me he wasn’t a practicing Catholic and has a history sleeping with two of his ex girlfriends. Unfortunately I’ve run across many photos and e-mails of his exes and this has been haunting me ever since. I apologized and he forgave me. God willing we’re getting married in 7 months and sleeping with each other for the first time. I’m worried I’ll bring back memories of his exes or might not be as good as them. 😦 I know I will only be able to over come this with God’s help. Please keep me in your prayers.

T
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It sounds to me like both of you need a little more maturity before you get married. You, because of your obvious jealousy, and he, because of his “souvenirs”.
A general rule of thumb for a good marriage is that you should not be concerned with what he did before he met you, and likewise he should not be concerned with anything you did before you met. It makes no difference that he “played around” before he met you or that you were either a virgin or chaste when you both met. What is important is what the two of you did after you started dating.
I would strongly recommend that both of you seek out and consult a professional Catholic Marriage Counselor before you even set a date to get married. Make an appointment with your pastor and get a referral from him.
Lastly, there is only one person on this earth that you should marry: that is your best friend. Like others will tell you, the romance and sexual attraction fades rather rapidly, and the strain of day to day living with each other takes a big psychological toll on you if your husband (or wife, as the case may be) is not absolutely your best friend. Unless you can say this, perhaps you shouldn’t get married. Once the vows have been made before the priest, it is too late.
 
mab23 said:
This - I would ask him to delete everything from them if he is serious about marriage
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I wouldn’t. Perhaps ask him to delete only anything inappropraite from them (if there is anything inappropraite I mean.)
 
lax16 said:
Hi JMJ - Why does he still have the e-mails and photos of his ex-girlfriends?
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This. This was me reading that part: :eek:

I would ask him to get rid of everything related to his previous relationships. Yes, his past is his own, but keeping mementos of ex lovers is not respectful towards his future wife.
 
Wow, I’m reading your post and thinking that it feels like I’m writing to my 20 yr old self. I once felt the same way that you do now. I had terrible insecurity, got married, and was divorced the next year due to my unwarranted jealousy. My husband had a past, but I wasn’t able to deal with it, and ultimately I pushed him away by it. I was young, insecure, and immature.

By the grace of God, I came back to the Church, and he converted as well. We are now remarried with 6 beautiful kids. We celebrated 10 years of marriage, and believe me, I no longer care about the “past”. Marriage is all about the future.

Remember, some of the greatest saints have this same “past”: St. Augustine, St. Francis, just to name a few! My advice to you is to let it go, and don’t let it rob you of your joy any longer:)

God Bless!
 
I’m actually not concerned about the emails. I’ve had the same email address since high school and I probably have emails deep in my inbox from exes. I’m not keeping them as souvenirs, they just don’t matter enough for me to go back years and delete them. And what are these pictures of his ex? I have lots of mine, because we traveled together. But I’m not tossing photos from my favorite vacation just because my ex is in them. It was a once in a lifetime trip! Everyone is entitled to tokens of their past. Throwing out everything like that every time you start a new relationship is sad…

I would need more information about these emails and pics before condemning her boyfriend.
 
TheWarriorMonk said:
The “not being as good as them” matter is simply an insecurity issue. This isn’t a contest. The reality of the situation is that people are just different; there is no “better.” Also, there is a world of difference between simply have sex with an ex-girlfriend and sex with a wife.
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This is very true. I’ve been where you are, OP, and for me it was much easier to let go of than I thought it would be. Married sex, with the person you will be sharing the rest of your life with, is not the same as what he had before. I would say though, that you need to come to terms with it before you are married, and this is something you need to do yourself. If you need help dealing with it, see a counselor but don’t try to work through your feelings about it with him. This isn’t to say you can’t bring up how you feel, but in the end it’s really your issue to address. Also, has he been tested for STDs? This is important too.

I also wouldn’t be too concerned with the fact that he has older photos and emails- what I would be concerned about is how you “ran across” them. If you were going through his things on purpose, rather than truly just happening upon them, this is another issue to address. Whether it’s insecurity, mistrust, or both, try to address it before getting married.
 
JMJ2017 said:
Hi forum,

How does one get over significant other’s past? My fiance was the first person I loved, kissed, and the only relationship I’ve been in. Before he met me he wasn’t a practicing Catholic and has a history sleeping with two of his ex girlfriends. Unfortunately I’ve run across many photos and e-mails of his exes and this has been haunting me ever since. I apologized and he forgave me. God willing we’re getting married in 7 months and sleeping with each other for the first time. I’m worried I’ll bring back memories of his exes or might not be as good as them. 😦 I know I will only be able to over come this with God’s help. Please keep me in your prayers.

T
Click to expand...
I think you have to look at something here, and that is that YOU are the one he has chosen to marry. YOU are the one that has brought him back to the church. You are the one he has waited for. That should say something about how he feels about you. You are truly special in his eyes. Do not compare yourself to the old girlfriends, he was a different person then.

As for people saying you are jealous, I think that is the wrong word to use. You are bothered by his need to keep the e-mails and photos. That is different than being jealous. He has put the girlfriends and the emails out of his mind and moved on. But at the same time, he needs to get rid of that stuff, and that is for him to deal with. I don’t see why he wouldn’t want to do that for you. Have you asked him if he is willing to get rid of them?
 
ChibiViolet said:
I wouldn’t. Perhaps ask him to delete only anything inappropraite from them (if there is anything inappropraite I mean.)
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Same here. It would depend upon what is in the emails and pictures for me. Both my husband and I have pictures of past relationships, I’m not going to ask my husband to throw out his prom pictures because its an ex. I have a few letters from my high school boyfriend and I always will.

I think the OP has left out a few vital facts…how old is the OP and the fiancé, how much time had elapsed between meeting the OP and the last girlfriend, how old are the emails and pictures, how does he talk about them, etc, etc. Are the emails and pictures inappropriate or is it just the fact that they are part of his past and he was sexually active before he met the OP? If the OP didn’t know that these two women were past girlfriends, would the OP be as bothered by them?

I think the OP should discuss the situation with her fiancé. He’s going to be in contact with other women after they get married, is there something he’s doing or not doing that is creating the insecurity? Are these feelings going to pop up in the future? Is this a trust issue? All things to consider now before making any further wedding plans.
 
There is good advice here already. I just wonder if all our lives would be better if we looked at every situation, realize that we cannot change the past, it is what it is, and strive to move ahead vowing to never make the same mistake twice. You can drive yourself crazy dwelling on that which you cannot change.
 
JMJ2017 said:
Hi forum,

How does one get over significant other’s past? My fiance was the first person I loved, kissed, and the only relationship I’ve been in. Before he met me he wasn’t a practicing Catholic and has a history sleeping with two of his ex girlfriends. Unfortunately I’ve run across many photos and e-mails of his exes and this has been haunting me ever since. I apologized and he forgave me. God willing we’re getting married in 7 months and sleeping with each other for the first time. I’m worried I’ll bring back memories of his exes or might not be as good as them. 😦 I know I will only be able to over come this with God’s help. Please keep me in your prayers.

T
Click to expand...
Memories of his exes may be a non-issue for him. There is a reason they are exes. If he has a proper Catholic mindset right now I don’t think he would be comparing. If anything, he’d be trying not to relive any of his past experience and not to go back to those days. And sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in.
BlueEyedLady said:
I would need more information about these emails and pics before condemning her boyfriend.
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Yes, pictures can be anything from long-forgotten attachments to e-mails at the bottom of your inbox to prominently displayed frames on your work space.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I would need more information about these emails and pics before condemning her boyfriend.
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This. Are they photos of only the ex-girlfriend? Are they photos of him and the ex-girlfriend together, say at the senior prom or on a foreign vacation, etc.? The first category I think can be safely discarded, the second is different. It also depends on where the photos are kept. Are they displayed out in the open? Kept in photo albums? Shoved in a shoebox under the bed?

I still have photos of myself with ex-boyfriends at the senior prom, my college graduation, and an international trip. I keep those photos in a box in the closet now, not feeling any need to display photos of my ex-boyfriends, but I haven’t gotten rid of them because they do mark some important times in my life – it just so happens that my ex-boyfriend is in the photo too.

OP, I understand the anxiety as I was in your shoes once. I second everyone else’s advice here that you need to deal with this anxiety and jealousy before you get married. If you want to PM me I would be happy to provide more details privately of how I dealt with my jealousy and anxiety.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I think you have to look at something here, and that is that YOU are the one he has chosen to marry. YOU are the one that has brought him back to the church. You are the one he has waited for. That should say something about how he feels about you. You are truly special in his eyes. Do not compare yourself to the old girlfriends, he was a different person then.

As for people saying you are jealous, I think that is the wrong word to use. You are bothered by his need to keep the e-mails and photos. That is different than being jealous. He has put the girlfriends and the emails out of his mind and moved on. But at the same time, he needs to get rid of that stuff, and that is for him to deal with. I don’t see why he wouldn’t want to do that for you. Have you asked him if he is willing to get rid of them?
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👍 I’m with you, Irishmom. And I also think that jealous is not the word, but maybe she feels insecure. Maybe she feels insecure of herself, and she needs to value herself more. I mean she is a beautiful daughter of God, He made her, she is a masterpiece, God’s work of art, a princess for God is the King. And believe that he is a new man now, people change. Just like Jesus forgives our sins and loves us, we should forgive our fiance’s past and be there for them and bringing them closer to God, and be supportive, encouraging them to keep doing good for the love of God.
 
You can only judge someone by what they are now not what they were or did in the past. That is between them and GOD.
 
Luvz2travel said:
You can only judge someone by what they are now not what they were or did in the past. That is between them and GOD.
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Except, to see this from the OP’s point of view, if her fiance is holding onto the pictures and emails because he has unresolved feelings for his past relationships, then its not between just him and God. It is very much between the OP and her fiance. Only the fiance can tell her why he has the pictures, and like I said in my other post, there are vital factors missing from the OP’s description of the situation. We do not know if the pictures are inappropriate or not, we do not know why the fiance still has them. It could be just insecurity on the OP’s part OR it could be something serious enough to call off the engagement. A long discussion between the OP and her fiance is definitely in order.
 
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