Fighting With Parents a Mortal Sin?

[HopefulShepherd]

I’m almost 30 years old, but have been having a lot of problems with my parents lately. My mother and wife particularly don’t get along and never really have. My mother has been on my case about my wife and baby, and I am just tired of all the fighting. So when provoked I just couldn’t take it anymore and blew my lid. I let into her and was very mean and disrespectful. She continued verbally assaulting my wife, and I continued the barrage of disrespect. I meant most of the things I said, but got loud and crossed the line into hurtful a couple of times. Is this a mortal sin?

 

[1ke]

(a) Whether or not this is a mortal sin is a discussion for you and your priest in confession.

(b) You need to come up with some strategies for dealing with your mother that do not involved yelling and fighting. If she is rude to your wife, simply get your coats and leave. if she is in your house, show her the door. If you are on the phone, hang up. Set boundaries and stick to them. The ground rules are: no disrespect, no rude behavior, no criticism of your spouse. This is between you and your mom, but use adult-to-adult behaviors when dealing with her not child-to-parent.

 

[promethius]

(a) Whether or not this is a mortal sin is a discussion for you and your priest in confession.

(b) You need to come up with some strategies for dealing with your mother that do not involved yelling and fighting. If she is rude to your wife, simply get your coats and leave. if she is in your house, show her the door. If you are on the phone, hang up. Set boundaries and stick to them. The ground rules are: no disrespect, no rude behavior, no criticism of your spouse. This is between you and your mom, but use adult-to-adult behaviors when dealing with her not child-to-parent.

I agree with point (a) certainly. A priest is a moral consultant who would be best to advise you after hearing more about the situation.

I would also think that point (b) is the best option. You are called to honor your father and mother, but not always to agree with them, or to be glued to spending a set amount of time with them, and certainly not to allow them to slander your spouse. In fact, if your presence leads your mom to behaving in a way that lacks christian charity towards your spouse, then it would probably be better that you get up and leave when this happens and explain that you won’t stay if your being there pushes her to sin. Don’t disrespect your mother, and don’t disgrace her in front of others, but set the line as to what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior and then enforce that in an adult manner.

 

[m134e5]

I’m almost 30 years old, but have been having a lot of problems with my parents lately. My mother and wife particularly don’t get along and never really have. My mother has been on my case about my wife and baby, and I am just tired of all the fighting. So when provoked I just couldn’t take it anymore and blew my lid. I let into her and was very mean and disrespectful. She continued verbally assaulting my wife, and I continued the barrage of disrespect. I meant most of the things I said, but got loud and crossed the line into hurtful a couple of times. Is this a mortal sin?

I have heard this scenario many times- different words, and different people- but the same scenario. Your mother raised you, but you and your wife are the leaders of your own family unit now- that unit is not an extension of the family units of either of your parents, but your own. All too often, parents (usually the mother of the husband, or the father of the wife) tries to continue to be the primary man/woman in that person’s life- that is not meant to be, and when parents try to make it that way, problems come up. Those problems are made especially bad when the spouses automatically side with their parent, instead of defending their spouse. I wonder how many divorces each year are fueled by of nagging in-laws, and spouses who always sided with them against their spouse. I image the number is pretty high.

Don’t tolerate your mother berating your wife, whom you have vowed to love and honor. Defend her in charity (and remember that charity doesn’t mean being a pushover).

 

[Cristiano]

I’m almost 30 years old, but have been having a lot of problems with my parents lately. My mother and wife particularly don’t get along and never really have. My mother has been on my case about my wife and baby, and I am just tired of all the fighting. So when provoked I just couldn’t take it anymore and blew my lid. I let into her and was very mean and disrespectful. She continued verbally assaulting my wife, and I continued the barrage of disrespect. I meant most of the things I said, but got loud and crossed the line into hurtful a couple of times. Is this a mortal sin?

If you are asking because you do not know, then that means that automatically the answer is no. However, remember that truth without love is useless. Stating the truth and being firm is not being disrespectful or unloving even if the other person gets upset; however, you can speak the truth and be firm in a very kind manner (no yelling, no name calling, no generalization in the accusations, do not use always or never, etc.). A reasonable thing to do is to apologize to your mother for the way you said things while explaining to her your duties and responsibilities as an husband. If she wants to be angry at you because of that, then it is her problem and the both of you will know it.