Filled with Anger at Mass

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Madaglan

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Hey, i was wondering if everyone could help me. For the past several months I’ve been extremely angry at Mass, even so far as wanting to scream out or run out of the church. A lot of times I feel rebellious and think that everything is fake and senseless, and I challenge God to hit the church with a fireball for all I care. Even at the presentation of the consecrated host, I feel angry and wish that a raven would swoop down and take it away from the priest. Sometimes I wish that someone would take a sledgehammer to organ to end the noise. It’s like I desperately want to feel God’s peace at the Mass, but instead I feel more alone, depraved and condemned; and I fancy that God is playing cruel games with me–seeing how much he can make me suffer, so that when I groan in pain He can yell at me.

I know this is very wrong, and I don’t know why I’m feeling so angry at Catholicism. I go to confession about once a month, so I don’t think it’s because I haven’t been to confession. I know that I’m really depressed right now, and that some medicine would be best, but there is no medicine that works on me. I don’t lash out at people; but I oftentimes think of myself as being angry, like Luther was angry, at the Catholic Church. I hold all my dark feelings in for months or years before I finally have mental collapses. Last time I threw my Bible against the wall really hard and smahsed a Marian shrine I have–although I didn’t destory the Marian statue. Right now I’m seriously considering whether or not to stay in the Catholic Church. I pray to God that He give me His peace, and I go to Church desperately wanting God’s peace, but I can’t find it there, and the pain only deepends. The Protestant churches would probably make me feel good, but they don’t have the early faith. One of my close relatives had a very bad depression, and her friend drew her away from the Catholic Church to an e-free church, and now she’s happy and does all kinds of church activities, and has all kinds of church friends. Maybe an Orthodox church for me? I don’t know. I just wish God would end the pain that’s drawing and quartering my heart. :crying:
 
First if you are depressed you might want to see a therapist if it is more than that you might want to go to St.Michaels spiritual warfare website there maybe something more sinister going on.God Bless
 
It sounds like you are dealing with significant spiritual warfare. If confession isn’t helping you, perhaps you should make an appointment with your priest, and either ask him, or ask if he can recommend a spiritual director for you. I’ll keep praying for you!
 
I’ve known many people who jumped from job to job and moved from place to place thinking it would make them happy. None of them became happy. I think the same would happen here if you jumped from church to another church. You might find some temporary happiness, but I’m willing to bet the anger would come back after awhile.

You said that no medicine works on you. I assume by that statement that you have been clinicly diagnosed with depression or something like that. Obviously this issue has not been resolved, and a Church move would only be an escape from the problem rather than a confrontation. But I am hardly qualified to say. Seek professional help.

My prayers go with you.

Scott
 
A battle is being waged for your immortal soul – try weekly confessions and try spending more time in prayer … especially the rosary.
 
Dear Madaglan,

It sounds like you are trying to work out an issue(s). Have you tried talking to Jesus? I journal and find it helps to write questions and feelings down. Expected answers often come in the reassurance of The Holy Spirit, from within, and rememberances of scripture. I’ll be thinking of, and praying for you at Mass.

Elizabeth
 
It sounds like something else is bothering you. Years and years ago, when I went through a heartbreaking break-up, I couldn’t stand to be in a church either. (I wasn’t Catholic then).

I’m not a doctor but I doubt very much that logical reasoning would assuage your anger.

May I make a suggestion? Go to Eucharistic Adoration for an hour and pour your heart out to Jesus. He is the great Comforter. You need to tell him about all of your anger and all of your pain (because there is pain there).

And remember to bring lots of tissues.

And then get some sleep.

I’ll pray for you tonight.

Sue
 
I can identify with your problem… 5 or 6 years ago (though this was before I entered the Church, so the thoughts weren’t religious) I would have a lot of angry thoughts similar to yours, and after building up inside me I would periodically absolutely trash my room - throw books against the wall, rip drawers out, you name it. It eventually ended in me self mutilating once. Anyway, for me the answer was seeking professional help - meds and therapy did help me a great deal.

Though I wouldn’t dismiss the possibility that this also has something to do with spiritual warfare… I would speak with a priest about your problems, or perhaps a good Catholic therapist, if there’s one around you. Remember, the evil one will try everything to get us to leave the Church…whether it be sin, feelings of hopelessness, etc. St. Teresa said that God allows the greatest trials and sufferings to befall those He loves most…I found that to be a consoling thought.
 
Thanks everyone for your posts. I go to a counseler right now to talk about certain issues. A lot of it has to do with alcoholism in the family, flared tempers in the family, social anxiety, loneliness, learning issues, etc.

About the pray the rosary example and the go to Eucharistic adoration example: I thank you for this advice, but I’ve done both, and I am not comforted by any of them. I remember when I was at a charismatic healing mass and the people were praying over me. I was screaming in my mind, “Please Christ, end this pain. This is almost as bad as crucifixion!” (I actually asked God to crucify me instead of having to life my entire life with this deep pain.) I was crying really bad desperately asking God for comfort. Didn’t get any peace. This event, unfortunately, has caused me, along with other things, to become more despairing of the charismatic movement and its claims of miracle healings

So, I thought, maybe if I go to Eucharistic adoration, God might give me peace. Well, I sat there for an hour before the wafer not knowing what to do. Nothing happened, and I didn’t feel at peace, although I could smell some incense, which I imagine might lead others to feel as though they are surrounded by God’s peace, but I don’t know…just a thought. I went to Eucharistic adoration several more times, each time saying the rosary and practically having emotional collapses each time. One time I drove away from home after having an emotional breakdown and went to the Eucharistic adoration chapel. My parents and sister were worried and thought that I was going off to kill myself. But I didn’t, nor did I get any peace from the Eucharistic adoration chapel. I went out and bought some things afterwards, which made me feel a little better, but not completely. Now I wonder if the wafer is really Christ or just bread. If Christ, then why isn’t he helping me?

It’s a vicious cycle, and I am really being worn out. I know that we are to have patience and to wait for God, but my body and mind can take only so much, and this has been going on for about five years now, despite professional help 😦
 
My suggestion was going to be Eucharistic adoration as well as the journaling that has been suggested already. Specifically, to try to find a time when you can be alone (probably not during exposition) and journal. Pour out your heart to Jesus on paper. Don’t think about what you are writing. Don’t confine yourself to the rosary or try to tune into some divine radio station. Just pour out your anger, despair, pain, whatever in His presence, which should help you to be honest. Do that as often as you can feel productive doing so, then take the journal to your priest and discuss with him. Its good that you are seeing a counselor, but a spiritual director would be good as well to specifically address your issues with the faith right now.

God bless.
 
Magdalene please go to the list of forums and click and go to the spiritual warfare and read as much as you can.Put this site on your favorites and please find a spiritual director.

saint-mike.org/qa/default.asp
I will pray for you too.God bless
 
I would recommend a few things to try. Though I have not experienced your degree of pain, I have experienced some.
  1. Read “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis if you haven’t already.
  2. Make a retreat, perhaps to a monastary.
  3. When you pray, praise God for your suffering. I mean it. Sometimes in the midst of our suffering we forget to praise God. Even if it is hard, especially if it is hard, praise Him.
  4. Do not pray for the suffering to end, pray that God make work His will through your suffering. Perhaps by your suffering you are meriting grace for people to be converted. Maybe by your suffering, God is keeping sinners out of hell. Your suffering may be a great act in the eyes of God.
  5. Pray. Pray. Pray. If you have to, go to a secluded place and shout to God.
  6. Read the Psalms.
  7. Bless yourself with holy water several times a day. Sacramentals are powerful.
  8. Know that we are all praying for you.
Those are just my suggestions. Of course, you are sure to have tried most of them. Please be persistent.
 
You are experiencing a spiritual dryness – the well has run dry. In the past when you came to God, God rewarded you with a good feeling sort of like a grandparent giving candy to a grandchild for coming to visit.

Now God is testing you. God has stopped giving you the candy and wants to see if you will still come to Him just for Him and not for the good feeling that it brings.

Many of the great saints have experienced this spiritual dryness. Some have felt it for months, others for years, still others for decades! God is bringing you to the brink of human endurance in order to cleanse & purge you for His purpose – getting the metal ready for the Maker’s hand … Sort of like when Jesus spent 40 days in the desert getting ready for His earthly ministry. It was during this “purging” process that He was most weakest and when the devil tempted Him just like Satan is waging a war for your soul – when you feel furtherest from God.

Speaking for myself, I experienced a spiritual dryness that lasted for several years. It wasn’t a complete drought and I had little sprinkles here and there but for the most part it was years before the rains returned to end that dryness.
 
M,
We certainly hear your pain, and wish we could help you.

Perhaps you are not giving anything time to help? It seems that you give up too easily. Do you go to the Charismatic prayer group any more?

Also did you ever get a Spiritual Director? It seems that you definitely need consistant direction from one source—you seem to be talking to too many people. Try to be still enough to let in the Holy Spirit. Just keep asking Jesus to take your pain, that you cannot give it up, so please take it.

Love & Prayers,
 
FROM AN ARTICLE BY FR WILLIAM MOST

St. John of the Cross tells us that there are three signs that a soul, already far advanced, is going to receive infused contemplation. One is a total aridity (dryness).
The evil one can send consolations, to make a soul try to take on spiritual projects too great: he can afford to promote some temporary gain in return for long term loss to that soul. He can also send consolations to make us think we are saintly, we have arrived. **And of course the devil can promote aridity to urge us to give up or to let up. **And in aridity he can tell a soul that it is a strong soul, and does not need consolations. Devilish!

We owe God everything - for making us out of nothing - and all over again, for redeeming us. So we go to Mass not to enjoy ourselves - that is indifferent whether or not we enjoy it - but to please Him by joining our resolve of obedience to that of the obedience of the heart of His Son, as He lies on the altar, and to that of His Mother, who still joins with Him in each Mass, as she once did at the Cross.

Pope John Paul II said: “Every liturgical action. . . is an occasion of communion. . . and in a particular way with Mary. Because the Liturgy is the action of Christ and of the Church. . . she is inseparable from one and the other. . . . . Mary is present in the memorial - the liturgical action - because she was present at the saving event, faithful with her whole being to the Father’s plan, at the historical salvific occasion of Christ’s death.” Her will is still united with His, the flesh and blood on the altar came from her.

**Here are some passages from Saints who had much aridity, but profited from it: **
  1. St. Therese of Lisieux, Autobiography (Cap 13, p. 196, Kenedy edition):“Do not think that I am overwhelmed with consolations. Far from it! My joy consists in being deprived of all joy here on earth. Jesus does not guide me openly: I neither see nor hear Him.”
  2. St. Therese of Lisieux, Poem: “I know that at Nazareth, Virgin full of graces/ You lived in great poverty, not wishing anything more; No raptures, no miracles, no ecstasies/ embellished your life, O Queen of the elect. / The number of little ones is very great upon the earth. / They can, without trembling, lift up their eyes to you. /It pleases you to walk among the common way, / Incomparable Mother, to guide them to the heavens.”
  3. St. Teresa of Avila, Interior Castle 6.9: “I will only warn you that, when you learn or hear that God is granting souls these graces [visions etc], you must never beseech or desire Him to lead you along this road. Even if you think it is a very good one, and to be greatly prized and reverenced, there are certain reasons why such a course is not wise.” She adds: it shows a lack of humility, one leaves self open to great danger since the devil will take any opening, there is also danger of autosuggestion; it is presumption to want to choose one’s own path; very heavy trials usually go with such favors and,“There are many saintly people who have never known what it is to receive a favor of this kind, and there are others who receive such favors, although they are not saintly. . . . It is true that to have these favors must be the greatest help towards attaining a high degree of perfection in the virtues; but anyone who has attained the virtues at the cost of his own toil has earned much more merit.”
  4. St. Francis de Sales, Letter 764 to St. Jane de Chantal:“It is the height of holy disinterestedness to be content with naked, dry, and insensible acts carried out in the higher will alone. You have told me well about your suffering and there is nothing to do to help it but what you are doing: affirming to our Lord, sometimes out loud and sometimes in song, that you even will to live and to eat as the dead do, without taste, feeling or knowledge. In the end, the Savior wants us to be His so perfectly that nothing else is left for us, and to abandon ourselves entirely to the mercy of His providence without reservation.”
 
Madaglan,

I am so very sorry you are in such pain. I can hear the anguish in your posts. I have no advice to offer - only my prayers to Jesus that He would heal you. Please know that I am doing that for you right now.

Peace my friend,
CM
 
Imitation of Christ
Thomas Kempis

The Twenty-Third Chapter

**FOUR THINGS WHICH BRING GREAT PEACE **

THE VOICE OF CHRIST

MY CHILD, I will teach you now the way of peace and true liberty.

Seek, child, to do the will of others rather than your own.

Always choose to have less rather than more.

Look always for the last place and seek to be beneath all others.

Always wish and pray that the will of God be fully carried out in you.

Behold, such will enter into the realm of peace and rest.

THE DISCIPLE

O Lord, this brief discourse of Yours contains much perfection. It is short in words but full of meaning and abounding in fruit. Certainly if I could only keep it faithfully, I should not be so easily disturbed. For as often as I find myself troubled and dejected, I find that I have departed from this teaching. But You Who can do all things, and Who always love what is for my soul’s welfare, give me increase of grace that I may keep Your words and accomplish my salvation.

A PRAYER AGAINST BAD THOUGHTS

O Lord my God, be not far from me. O my God, hasten to help me, for varied thoughts and great fears have risen up within me, afflicting my soul. How shall I escape them unharmed? How shall I dispel them?

“I will go before you,” says the Lord, “and will humble the great ones of earth. I will open the doors of the prison, and will reveal to you hidden secrets.”

Do as You say, Lord, and let all evil thoughts fly from Your face. This is my hope and my only comfort – to fly to You in all tribulation, to confide in You, and to call on You from the depths of my heart and to await patiently for Your consolation.

**A PRAYER FOR ENLIGHTENING THE MIND **

Enlighten me, good Jesus, with the brightness of internal light, and take away all darkness from the habitation of my heart. Restrain my wandering thoughts and suppress the temptations which attack me so violently. Fight strongly for me, and vanquish these evil beasts – the alluring desires of the flesh – so that peace may come through Your power and the fullness of Your praise resound in the holy courts, which is a pure conscience. Command the winds and the tempests; say to the sea: “Be still,” and to the north wind, “Do not blow,” and there will be a great calm.

Send forth Your light and Your truth to shine on the earth, for I am as earth, empty and formless until You illumine me. Pour out Your grace from above. Shower my heart with heavenly dew. Open the springs of devotion to water the earth, that it may produce the best of good fruits. Lift up my heart pressed down by the weight of sins, and direct all my desires to heavenly things, that having tasted the sweetness of supernal happiness, I may find no pleasure in thinking of earthly things. Snatch me up and deliver me from all the passing comfort of creatures, for no created thing can fully quiet and satisfy my desires. Join me to Yourself in an inseparable bond of love; because You alone can satisfy him who loves You, and without You all things are worthless.
 
Depression is such a tough thing. For everyone. It’s difficult to watch a person you love so dearly be in such pain and not know how to help the person who so desperately wants the pain to disappear.

I am praying for you.

All I can say, and I fear it is horribly insufficient, is to say embrace your suffering. Christ embraced his Cross. St Terese embraced her suffering. The way to peace and redemption is through the Cross.

A prayer I pray when things are not going well:

Christ on the Cross above be,
Christ below me,
Christ in front,
Christ behind,
Christ to be left,
Christ to my right,
Christ beside me,
Christ guide me,
Christ will me,
Chirst hear me,
Christ heal me.

Repeat. 🙂

In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray the He have mercy on you and grant you peace.
 
Magdalen,

Your post hit a nerve, …

I have lived with anger for most of my life, and in the last couple years have made significant strides in conquering it. I hope I can help without sounding too shallow or simplistic.
The anger has deep family roots I’ll not go in to. But here is what I learned - and how I have saved my own life so to speak.

#1 -** Forgive all of those who have trespassed against you.**
(And don’t ever return to old resentments. Pray for those who have injured you, especially family members.

#2 **Accept this as a cross that the Lord has sent you.And as hard as it is - Thank Him for it. ** Offer up the suffering to Christ crucified. You must take possession of this trial, - and not let it possess you.

#3 - Study the Capital Sin of Anger . Tan Publishing has a very good booklet on the Capital sins. Learn to take this sin (anger) as a prisoner and don’t ignore it. Make it your captive, and learn to control it - not it control you.

#4 - Take your friend anger (and all its buddies - swearing, tantrums, negativity, ingratitude) to the confessional - over and over and over again.

#5 - Continue to seek good counsel, and medical help. But be cautious with depression drugs, perhaps seek holistic opinions?

#6 You must excercise vigorously and regularily - several times a week until you sweat. This is VERY VERY important!!

#7 Be very disciplined about your eating habits. If you are overweight - loose the weight. Eliminate sugar and junk foods from your diet and eat only wholesome food.
You must bring the disciplines of #6 & 7 in to your life.

#8 Talk to friends about this problem. Get it out in the open.

#9. Pray the Rosary daily and meditate on the mysteries.

I’m sorry for your trial. Remember that the Church is both human and divine. And that it is the mystical body of Christ.
Peace and all good to you. 🙂
 
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