Filled with hate over my moms new boyfriend

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My dad passed away a little less than a year ago. He was a hard man to live with, it was really “his way or the highway”. He drove away all of my mom’s friends, and I wasn’t allowed to express my emotions or decide on things in my adult life. And while he could be a fun guy, his diabetes made it hard to tell if today was going to be “Fun Dad” or “Psycho Dad”. Me, my mom, and my sister had to tread on eggshells every day to not **** him off. It got to the point where I and my sister had to concede very reasoned arguments because we knew our dad would take it out on our mom. He never hit us, but he could make us feel like a burnt piece of ****. He opposed me becoming a Catholic (I am going to be joining RCIA soon).

Anyways, he passes away and we are a bit freer. I do weirdly miss him, despite how often he made me feel less than worth it. But over the course of the following months, my mom began reconnecting with the world and the people in our town. But then, a little less than a few months. She tells me she thinks she got an STD from a guy that was helping us out with an event we were throwing to sell some stuff that my dad hoarded over the years. Needless to say, I was really disappointed in my mom not waiting long enough time to get back into the dating world; and that she didn’t use protection (I am a convert to Catholicism, but I still don’t understand or accept the church’s position on condoms).

Time passes, and I hear she is dating this friend she met on one of her art communities (I am living at home because I just graduated from college and can’t really afford to live on my own). But the person she is seeing is still married to their partner. Obviously, I am not cool with adultery, but I remain civil; give her what little advice I had (I’m not experienced with dating at all). That relationship didn’t pan out so well, as the person she was seeing started displaying the same habits as my dad (Possessiveness, jealousy, etc)

Now she has met a new guy, a farmer from our town. And I loath him. I never experienced hate before, I am a liberal Catholic (not looking for an argument on this point, just telling it as it is.) and I view hate as a pretty big sin. But I can’t shake this deep into the core feeling of absolute H.A.T.E. I feel for this fool. I would rather have acid poured all over my body then be around this dude. At first she said he was just a guy at the bar that hit on her a few times, she wasn’t even sure if she’d give him a chance (He’s older, with grandkids). But then out of the blue while I am waking up. I see them digging in my garden… and to put perspective on this. We have garden beds in our backyard, and I love to grow peppers. I didn’t feel like doing much of anything as I am still pretty depressed over my dad and how my life was controlled by him; so I didn’t feel like planting anything. But here this stranger is putting peppers in MY soil, deciding what I’D grow. And then I see them kiss… this guy my mom met three weeks ago. I lost it. I ran out of the house and just, peel the car as I leave. I just did stuff; thinking of anything but of how much I want to swing my shovel down on this stranger.

Now last week, we had some relatives come over and spend a few days with us. Fun times are had; thanks to my dad I didn’t really get a chance to see moms side of the family. During the last few days of their visit, we decide to go to a nice place to eat in our state. But she tells me that she’s bringing her boyfriend to this family thing. And in my head I just wanted to tell her that “I’m not going if he’s going” and a lot of hurtful things I could have said. But I love my mom, and I bite my tongue and agree to go. And I hated every minute of it. I sat in the corner playing with my food. Staying as far away from this dude as possible, and not saying a word to anyone. I make a point to not look at him, but nothing openly hostel. He pays for dinner (“what a f*cking gentleman” I think). We get done with the dinner and step outside to smoke, and my uncle pulls me away and says “He seems like a nice guy, not a substitute for your dad. But he seems nice.” And at this point I knew my mom had told our relatives about my feelings for he new guy and asked my uncle to talk to me.

My mom has a pension for snitching on me to my sister (my sister too) and now even more of my family knows about my petty feelings. Its embarrassing and I am hurt that she’d betray my confidences. I hate my mom’s boyfriend and how he keeps popping up at things.

I hate how soon my mom started dating and sleeping around. I hate how happy they seem. I hate how everyone is fine about everything except me. I hate how powerless I am to do about anything, and how much of a petulant child this all makes me feel. From going from a position of “I don’t hate a hateful bone in my body” to “every fiber of my being hates hates HATES THIS MAN” I stay up at night thinking of horrible things to do to this guy. Cursing him, his face, his family, and his livelihood. And for the first time, I was mad at God for something. Needless to say, this isn’t my proudest moment.

I need help getting past this. I need help dealing with all this hate and anger I feel about life and how pointless and cruel it seems right now. And how to deal with my feelings, and letting my mom live her life.
 
Yes, you do need help. And it won’t be found here on this site. You need grief counseling and you need counseling for your other issues related to the control issues in your family.

I will point out that the backyard and garden are not YOURS. They are your mother’s. You are an adult child living in her home, a guest. If you didn’t want to plant a garden, fine. But your mother is certainly doing nothing wrong by planting her own nor asking this man to help her with it.

You need some serious counseling to deal with grief, past trauma, anger management, etc.

You need some spiritual counseling to deal with your self-professed disagreement with Church teaching. During RCIA you will get catechesis to help you understand church teaching, but you do need a humble and open emotional state in order to receive and embrace it-- something you seem unable to do currently. You are closed off emotionally and that is not a place from which to embark on spiritual growth.

So get LOTS of counseling. And focus on a plan for your career that includes moving out of your mother’s house. It is her life, and while you may not agree with her choices they are hers to make. Remember you are a guest in her house.
 
It sounds like a lot has changed in your life very quickly and not for the better. You cant change these peoples behaviour and I think most people would find it distressing. I too had to spend some time living with my parents after graduation and I know it’s not simple to ‘just move out’ but are you trying to develop a life of your own and a sense of independence? Do you have anyone outside the family you could talk to? Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone not involved.

I’m glad to hear you are starting RCIA, do you have a prayer life? I would pray for your family for now. It’s not nice to feel hate but forgiveness can be a long process and prayer is part of it.
 
I don’t think u hate this guy…I think u hate your mom’s behavior that has been occuring for the last few months.

I wonder why your mom would tell u about an std… tmi.

But yes, I think u should go to grief counseling, so you can sort feelings and heal.:blessyou:
 
I feel sad for you that your life seems depressing right now. You really need to go to counseling for your grief. It is very difficult to process these feelings on our own. You have been through many difficult changes in a relatively short time.

It seems to me like your mother’s friend may have actually been trying to help you. He may have planted peppers because he knew you liked them. He may have paid for the dinner as a kind gesture to the family. He may be perfectly nice but right now you are still reeling from the loss of your father and you aren’t prepared for your mother to move on.

Get yourself into counseling and then get yourself motivated to move forward, get a better job or career so you can focus on doing something and so you can move out of your mother’s home. You need your own space as an adult and obviously your mother needs her own space too. She seems very kind, letting you be there even though you are upset and filled with hate for her friend. Please remember that she has been through a terrible time as well and she also deserves peace.

Prayers going up.
 
I would also suggest seeking help with grief.

My mother passed away 5 years ago. My father waited about 2 years to start dating. We knew he was buying condoms and stuff (he left his walmart receipt in my sisters car that he borrowed, weird but oh well). It did not bother me much, but my younger sister who still lived at home with him was (and still is) disturbed with him dating. She has never liked the women he has dated, complains about little things “she wears too much perfume” or something like that, but he has this genuine strong dislike, maybe even hate for them, which I cannot understand. I know she is receiving counselling so I hope it helps.

She has had more difficulty accepting the changes that have happened since our mother passed. My older sister and I are, well, older. We were both married by then and my husband and I had our first child shortly after.

I hope you can get the help that you need!
 
Wow - there has just been a lot going on with you. Enough to make anyone feel like they’ve been through an emotional upheaval! Everyone here is telling you to get counseling, and that may be easier said than done! I know it’s not easy if you are in a rural / small town area. I think that things that may also help are keeping a journal, trying to get out of the house - - meet up with old friends or new friends. Getting any kind of job would probably be good, even if it’s not your dream job or in your college degree area.

I think it would help to just get out, and also to cut yourself and your mom some slack emotionally, if you can. It sounds like your dad was a difficult person to live with, and if that’s true for his kids, it may have been doubly true for his wife! It doesn’t sound like she’s been making the best decisions, but it may filling a huge need in her life - - to go out with new people, people who are reliably nice to her (not psycho).

Please know that you have my prayers and sympathy. I’m sure you are still grieving for your dad, and that is not made easier by the feelings of regret that you may have had over the family relationships he had. Families are complicated - - hang in there - - and try to be nice to yourself (and your mom - - if you can!) : )
 
Did you accidentally leave out the part where you say what’s so hateful about the boyfriend?
 
OP, you sound depressed. You are an adult college graduate. You should be developing your own life independent of your mother. She has her own life to live.
 
You are not your Mother’s Keeper. You never were and never will be. It also sounds you are trying to pick up where your father left off, at least in your mind. You really do need counseling and help. What we can do for you here is to pray for you and give you “free advice” but not solve your issues.
As a new graduate there should be some kind of work you can do even if you go to work at a fast food employer. You need to get out of the house and out on your own even if it is in just a single room. While I don’t condone your mother’s new life style, I would guess she has been so stifled in the past that she failed to grow as a person and is now letting loose. If you love your mother take her out to dinner, to a movie, to an event and by all means invite her to attend Mass with you. You can do wonders with giving her the right kind of love and attention. In the interim do seek professional help. Peace.
 
Prayers for you.

My husband’s mother died when we were just dating. It is hard to see your parent dating someone else after your other parent has passed, and you are still young and don’t have your own family to tend. Hopefully with time your feelings will change, especially if he is kind to your mother. Like others have said, for now try to find something positive to focus on while you heal. Try not to dwell on your mother’s bf. When the negative thoughts come, say a prayer and ask God to help refocus your thoughts and offer a blessing for your mom and her bf.

I’m sorry you are going through this.
 
mommy_k said:
I don’t think u hate this guy…I think u hate your mom’s behavior that has been occuring for the last few months.

I wonder why your mom would tell u about an std… tmi.

But yes, I think u should go to grief counseling, so you can sort feelings and heal.:blessyou:
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I don’t think you hate him either; I think you hate your father and are projecting that on this man for making your mother happy, treating your family well and acting like your father should have during his life with you. Counseling, counseling, counseling will see you through this. Your mom deserves some happiness and you deserve some peace.
 
Catholic1954 said:
I don’t think you hate him either; I think you hate your father and are projecting that on this man for making your mother happy, treating your family well and acting like your father should have during his life with you. Counseling, counseling, counseling will see you through this. Your mom deserves some happiness and you deserve some peace.
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yes.
 
There were a number of bleeped out words in your post. I find arguments, etc., don’t escalate as much when strong language is deleted.
 
If this guy wasn’t married, what would be your objection? It sounds like you wouldn’t like anyone your mom dates at this point. Too soon, too angry.

You could just not live with her. That would cut down on your having to be around him. I know you said you can’t afford to live on your own, but perhaps a roommate and a full and part time job will get you out of **your mom’s home. **

I agree with everyone else that your need counseling for your grief, for your anger, but also for some boundaries.
 
Irishmom2 said:
If this guy wasn’t married, what would be your objection? It sounds like you wouldn’t like anyone your mom dates at this point. Too soon, too angry.
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I don’t think the current boyfriend is the married guy.
 
1ke said:
I don’t think the current boyfriend is the married guy.
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You are right, I missed that. So now that makes it even less clear to me what her “objection” is to this guy.
 
Maybe you are thinking that this guy has ulterior motives. Maybe you do not find him trustworthy. Maybe you do not want to see your mom hurt. There is a lot of emotion in having a new guy in your mom’s life. Pray that she will not be duped. Pray for her, that she will not be blinded by the attention he is giving her. Pray to be more tolerant for a while. I think I am suspicious of this guy, too. I am praying for you.
 
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