Financial issue with family coming up to marriage

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AdamP88

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I am getting married in just over a month. Everything is in place. Wedding organised and paid for, honeymoon the same. And we’ve just rented a small apartment for us to live after the wedding. My fiancee has moved in ahead of the wedding and I will stay at home with my parents until the wedding.

I have lived with my parents for years and I have paid a contribution to the running of the household ever since I had a job. Now that we are renting an apartment for after the wedding I need to redirect that money to the rent for that place.
I have told my mother in advance that this would be the case and I wouldn’t be able to afford to pay into the house for the last month or so before the wedding.

However she seems to think I’m being extremely unreasonable and has gone as far as to suggest that my fiancee should give me money so that I can keep paying the “rent” to her as well.

Any advice to deal with this situation?
 
Is there a way to switch with your bride to be and move into the apartment and have her live home?

If not, tell your mom is won’t eat any groceries and eat at the,apartment do your laundry there and so on to reduce costs. Just sleep at your mom’s house–sleeping does not cost your mom money.
 
mommy_k said:
Is there a way to switch with your bride to be and move into the apartment and have her live home?

If not, tell your mom is won’t eat any groceries and eat at the,apartment do your laundry there and so on to reduce costs. Just sleep at your mom’s house–sleeping does not cost your mom money.
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Not really. She is from another country so that could be difficult.

I already don’t really “live” home. I basically sleep there and go to work/study every day and back in the evening to sleep again.
 
Or maybe offer to pay her back over a few months once you are in the black?
 
If your parents don’t want to let you sleep at home without paying rent, you may have two options: ask your priest if he can marry you earlier; or find a friend who will let you sleep at his place.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
If your parents don’t want to let you sleep at home without paying rent, you may have two options: ask your priest if he can marry you earlier; or find a friend who will let you sleep at his place.
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I know they won’t ask me to leave this close to the wedding.

But is it really that unreasonable to just say: Mom, I’ve paid money for years and I’m leaving in a month. I really can’t afford to pay this.
 
Wow, Adam, that’s not very nice on her part, I hate to say. It’s one month. How much could you possibly be costing her for you to stay there one month? If you were my son I would have said not to pay me, I realize you have to pay for your apartment.

What does your dad have to say about it? As someone already suggested, see if you can stay with a friend or a couple of different friends or one of your relatives.

This is the last thing you need and not how I would think you would want to remember your last month living at home.

Perhaps your parents will consider it your wedding gift? It would cost them nothing.

I will say a prayer that you and your mom can come up with a solution that will be satisfactory and not dampen your wedding day.
 
I would tell mom that you have no money and the only other thing u can do is move in with fiance…and see what other ideas mom has to solve this dilemma.
 
Lots of good ideas.

I think this is really bad of your mom, especially since it doesn’t sound like you’re home all day eating everything in sight, hogging the TV, and taking three showers a day.

I like the “could we consider it your wedding gift to us?” idea, with the pay-back-over-several-months idea as a backup if she’s not willing to treat the rent as her gift. Your expenses should (initially) be way down once you move in with your future wife and are able to consolidate your households.

There’s an awful possibility that your mom is squeezing you in order to pay for a wedding gift she can’t afford, or some such foolishness.

Bah! People get really weird around weddings.

One more thing–ask your mom (very seriously and sympathetically), “Mom, are you having money problems?” and see what she says. If she can’t make it without your contribution this last month, she’s going to be in really hot water once you’re gone.

Try to relax and enjoy yourself. Somebody always goes crazy when there’s a wedding–just be glad it’s not you and your future wife.

By the way, has your fiancee seen “Very British Problems”? There’s SO much bad language, but I think she may appreciate it.

channel4.com/programmes/very-british-problems
 
Xantippe said:
Lots of good ideas.

I think this is really bad of your mom, especially since it doesn’t sound like you’re home all day eating everything in sight, hogging the TV, and taking three showers a day.

I like the “could we consider it your wedding gift to us?” idea, with the pay-back-over-several-months idea as a backup if she’s not willing to treat the rent as her gift. Your expenses should (initially) be way down once you move in with your future wife and are able to consolidate your households.
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Good idea. True about the costs being down somewhat once our finances and stuff are all the one. Plus the wedding expenses will be out of the way.
There’s an awful possibility that your mom is squeezing you in order to pay for a wedding gift she can’t afford, or some such foolishness.
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Possibly the case. I don’t know.
Bah! People get really weird around weddings.
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You can say that again!
One more thing–ask your mom (very seriously and sympathetically), “Mom, are you having money problems?” and see what she says. If she can’t make it without your contribution this last month, she’s going to be in really hot water once you’re gone.
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I honestly don’t think this is the case. My dad just recently moved to anew job and his pay increased a bit. I do think my mom is always one to worry/exaggerate things.

It upsets my fiance a bit though because her family have given us money to help with some wedding costs even though they are in a worse financial situation than mine. (It irritates me too, but I’m trying to be as diplomatic as possible approaching the wedding.)
Try to relax and enjoy yourself. Somebody always goes crazy when there’s a wedding–just be glad it’s not you and your future wife.
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Right.
 
I’m a bit confused. Your mom expects you to pay this month or continue to pay even after and during your marriage? I pray that this isn’t some stereotypical mother in law attitude towards your future wife.
 
AdamPeter said:
I honestly don’t think this is the case. My dad just recently moved to anew job and his pay increased a bit. I do think my mom is always one to worry/exaggerate things.

It upsets my fiance a bit though because her family have given us money to help with some wedding costs even though they are in a worse financial situation than mine. (It irritates me too, but I’m trying to be as diplomatic as possible approaching the wedding.)
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Is your dad aware of all of this? It might be the case that if you explain it to your dad and mention your plan to pay in installments after the wedding that your dad will say, “Oh, don’t worry about it.” And then you can tell your mom, “Dad said not to worry about it!”

But if your mom is the type to remember $500 for all eternity and hold it over your head, it might be a good investment to pay it off as soon as possible.

Related:

captainawkward.com/2016/09/08/896-one-wedding-one-funeral-and-a-crapton-of-unnecessary-conflict/
 
Xantippe said:
Is your dad aware of all of this? It might be the case that if you explain it to your dad and mention your plan to pay in installments after the wedding that your dad will say, “Oh, don’t worry about it.” And then you can tell your mom, “Dad said not to worry about it!”

But if your mom is the type to remember $500 for all eternity and hold it over your head, it might be a good investment to pay it off as soon as possible.

Related:

captainawkward.com/2016/09/08/896-one-wedding-one-funeral-and-a-crapton-of-unnecessary-conflict/
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Dad doesn’t really care too much. I don’t think he cares if I give money or not. I don’t think she’d remember it for all eternity. He would probably just say: Talk to your mother.
 
AdamPeter said:
Dad doesn’t really care too much. I don’t think he cares if I give money or not. I don’t think she’d remember it for all eternity. He would probably just say: Talk to your mother.
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Oooooh.

Bummer.
 
E_7 said:
I’m a bit confused. Your mom expects you to pay this month or continue to pay even after and during your marriage? I pray that this isn’t some stereotypical mother in law attitude towards your future wife.
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Wait…I’ll clarify.

She seems to expect me to pay this month, yes. And has suggested (unless I’m misunderstanding) that my fiancee and I should split both “rents” for the remaining time.

She doesn’t expect me to keep paying after I’m moved out.

I have broached this subject with her before now and made it known that for the last month or so when we rent a place to live I will not be able to afford to pay the same amount of money for my keep.

She’s generally responded as if I’m unreasonable to think I can stop paying before I move out. Though when we actually got a place and were moving our stuff into it, I said to her “You know I won’t be able to pay money for the next month since the money I was paying will have to go on rent for this place.” She seemed to accept it at that point. But she still goes on as if I’m unreasonable and mooching off her and Dad.

I basically eat all my meals out and spend most of my time between work, university and I’ll meet my fiancee and walk her home after work. Then cycle 6km home, maybe go to gym/canoeing training, sleep, shower and go to work again.
 
AdamPeter said:
Wait…I’ll clarify.

She seems to expect me to pay this month, yes. And has suggested (unless I’m misunderstanding) that my fiancee and I should split both “rents” for the remaining time.

She doesn’t expect me to keep paying after I’m moved out.

I have broached this subject with her before now and made it known that for the last month or so when we rent a place to live I will not be able to afford to pay the same amount of money for my keep.

She’s generally responded as if I’m unreasonable to think I can stop paying before I move out. Though when we actually got a place and were moving our stuff into it, I said to her “You know I won’t be able to pay money for the next month since the money I was paying will have to go on rent for this place.” She seemed to accept it at that point. But she still goes on as if I’m unreasonable and mooching off her and Dad.

I basically eat all my meals out and spend most of my time between work, university and I’ll meet my fiancee and walk her home after work. Then cycle 6km home, maybe go to gym/canoeing training, sleep, shower and go to work again.
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I could be wrong, but I think you’re looking at it as a financial thing and she’s feeling it as an emotional thing. Perhaps she grew use to you eating out and spending time at work/school - but you still were “her boy” coming home at night. The lack of payment could be concrete proof to her that you’re really moving out and putting your new spouse ahead of her (as it should be). Sounds silly, perhaps, but it would explain her unreasonableness - that rather than payment she’s really looking to hold onto you and know that she’ll still have a special place in her life.

Disclaimer: Just moved my own son across country to go to college, and thus have found my own emotions have surprised me.
 
If the money is so important to mom, can we assume she’ll be quickly letting your room to someone else when you’re gone ? I suspect not. You staying there is a windfall - she gets income from you and incurs no expenses for you.

Perhaps she can make the last month of rent your wedding present?
 
Dacinom said:
God bless you and thank you for sharing.

This part of your post stood out for me. I know you love your fiancé and want to share much. However I was a nervous bride once and I promise you that she is under much stress so I would leave her out of this. There is no reason that a bride getting married in a month needs to be upset about this, your bride needs peace this is something it might be better if you handled on your own with all Christian charity.

This situation, according to you, is something that you tried to let your mother know about well in advance, several months it seems. You told her you would not have finances to pay the last months rent, well if she didn’t complain at the time it’s rather too late to complain now. Don’t give your mother any money, your future wife needs your help to pay for the apartment, period. If your mother is insistent that you are dishonest then I guess you can pay her back for this months’ rent in small increments over time.

I was curious and went back and re-read a post of yours as I recall you had trouble with her in the past and I wanted to refresh my memory. **It was your mother who was demanding to invite more of her friends as guests to your wedding, and that you use your wedding gift money to pay for it is that correct? ** You were having a disagreement over that just a few months ago. I am sure she is often a very lovely woman. Unfortunately these two examples you have given here on these forums, show her to be somewhat unreasonable at times. Please be assured of my prayers for your relationship with your mother I know that can be very stressful.
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Good catch.
 
Wondering… does your mother like your fiancee? ie get on with her? If not that could be a factor
 
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