Financial issue with family coming up to marriage

[Hoosier_Daddy]

While your moms attitude seems unfortunate it is the attitude of every single landlord in the world. You would have to pay rent or face some pretty stiff penalties and fines. How is it that your wedding is going to be planned and preformed, I assume with a dress for the wife to be and some of the things that go into weddings but an obligation cannot be filled for your mother…?

 

[Xantippe]

While your moms attitude seems unfortunate it is the attitude of every single landlord in the world. You would have to pay rent or face some pretty stiff penalties and fines. How is it that your wedding is going to be planned and preformed, I assume with a dress for the wife to be and some of the things that go into weddings but an obligation cannot be filled for your mother…?

Well, see what monicad wrote earlier.

Back in June, AdamPeter was writing:

“We’re at the stage of sending wedding invitations out. The problem is that my mother insists that we invite all these distant relatives that we rarely see to the wedding. I have no problem inviting a few of her friends and relatives along. But if I suggest a limit or try to discuss the matter she starts an argument about how much I contribute to the household and how the least I can do is let her invite the people she wants.
Any suggestions on how I could resolve this and get her to understand that I don’t have the money to invite all the people she wants? She doesn’t seem to get that I’m not being a Buzzkill, I am just genuinely concerned about the cost.”

“It’s not so much an “intimate wedding” issue as a cost issue. My family is massive as it is. It’s 50 euros per head for each adult that comes to the meal. I can’t seem to get her to understand that I can’t afford to pay that. It wouldn’t be an issue if she offered to contribute. She keeps saying that we’ll get money on the day as gifts and that’ll cover any extra cost. I’m not really prepared to rely on that.”

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=1013316

So, this isn’t exactly a purely landlord-tenant issue and AdamPeter’s mom has a history of not taking his financial limitations into account.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Well, see what monicad wrote earlier.

Back in June, AdamPeter was writing:

“We’re at the stage of sending wedding invitations out. The problem is that my mother insists that we invite all these distant relatives that we rarely see to the wedding. I have no problem inviting a few of her friends and relatives along. But if I suggest a limit or try to discuss the matter she starts an argument about how much I contribute to the household and how the least I can do is let her invite the people she wants.
Any suggestions on how I could resolve this and get her to understand that I don’t have the money to invite all the people she wants? She doesn’t seem to get that I’m not being a Buzzkill, I am just genuinely concerned about the cost.”

“It’s not so much an “intimate wedding” issue as a cost issue. My family is massive as it is. It’s 50 euros per head for each adult that comes to the meal. I can’t seem to get her to understand that I can’t afford to pay that. It wouldn’t be an issue if she offered to contribute. She keeps saying that we’ll get money on the day as gifts and that’ll cover any extra cost. I’m not really prepared to rely on that.”

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=1013316

So, this isn’t exactly a purely landlord-tenant issue and AdamPeter’s mom has a history of not taking his financial limitations into account.

You are letting all the other peripherals cloud a strait forward issue.

1. A person is getting married who lives at home.
2. There is an agreement (real or implied) to pay rent.
3. The person leaving wants to not pay rent for the last month. Sounds like there is no security deposit either.

If fulfilling an obligation is impossible then perhaps a wedding is not advisable.

Now is AP going to have wife and mother issues for a while?

Probably. But that’s another issue all together.

A man who is ready to be a husband can fulfil his duties. Including paying his rent for the Legally accepted time!

 

[Rau]

You are letting all the other peripherals cloud a strait forward issue.

1. A person is getting married who lives at home.
2. There is an agreement (real or implied) to pay rent.
3. The person leaving wants to not pay rent for the last month. Sounds like there is no security deposit either.

If fulfilling an obligation is impossible then perhaps a wedding is not advisable.

Now is AP going to have wife and mother issues for a while?

Probably. But that’s another issue all together.

A man who is ready to be a husband can fulfil his duties. Including paying his rent for the Legally accepted time!

The expectation you place on the son is reasonable. The fact that a mother is the one seeking to enforce it and consider no alternatives, is extraordinary,

 

[Rosebud77]

The expectation you place on the son is reasonable. The fact that a mother is the one seeking to enforce it and consider no alternatives, is extraordinary,

Yes which is why I asked how the mother gets on with the bride.

 

[Xantippe]

You are letting all the other peripherals cloud a strait forward issue.

1. A person is getting married who lives at home.
2. There is an agreement (real or implied) to pay rent.
3. The person leaving wants to not pay rent for the last month. Sounds like there is no security deposit either.

If fulfilling an obligation is impossible then perhaps a wedding is not advisable.

Now is AP going to have wife and mother issues for a while?

Probably. But that’s another issue all together.

A man who is ready to be a husband can fulfil his duties. Including paying his rent for the Legally accepted time!

It doesn’t really sound like AdamPeter’s dad is involved in this agreement at all or may not realize that there is a hardship for AdamPeter and his fiancee.

In fact, I think it would be a good idea to go to dad with the 1) “wedding gift” idea or if that fails 2) offer to pay in installments over the 4 or 5 months after the honeymoon.

It’s very likely that the parents were planning to do some sort of wedding gift that is very close in value to the cost of the last month of rent–and they could just not do that if it was a cash gift planned. If the wedding isn’t costing them anything out of pocket beyond just their own clothes, they are doing **really **well.

Even legendary personal finance tough guy Dave Ramsey budged on wedding budget when his daughter discovered that she and her fiancee were coming up a little short on their wedding expenses.

People have been having trouble with wedding expenses since the one at Cana–it’s an appropriate time to ask for mercy and help from parents. Paying two sets of rent is (for a young couple) a formidable obstacle.

 

[Xantippe]

If dad is no help and mom continues to be fractious, here’s another option.

Every time your mom mentions the issue, say, “Mom, I’d pay you in installments after the wedding. But if that’s not good enough for you and you feel the need to talk about it, let’s make an appointment and go talk to Fr. O’Houlihan and see if we can’t work this out.”

But refuse to talk about it anymore without a neutral third party present.

(I guarantee you that Fr. O’Houlihan will think that your mom is being a nut and that the installment plan is a brilliant idea.)

 

[slh3016]

Wow, that is a hard situation to be in. It does sound as if Mom is prone to overreact but looking at this situation from a purely non-emotional one, I would have to agree with HoosierDaddy.

If OP was living somewhere else, he would be obligated to pay the rent and the landlord wouldn’t give one flying flip whether he actually lay his head there at night or not. It wouldn’t affect the obligation that he is to pay the monthly rent. Also, if the OP was living somewhere with a non-relative landlord, he would STILL be obligated to pay the last month’s rent regardless of wedding expenses, etc.

The situation here is tricky, though, because the landlord (and mother of the groom) is Mom and as a landlord, Mom wants the last month’s rent which is her right per their explicit or implicit agreement.

As for the Mother of the Groom issues previously experienced, that is a totally separate issue. She was being unreasonable and irrational about that and it certainly sheds light on her mental state. However, again, it has no bearing on the OP’s obligation to pay the last month’s rent.

Another reason why it’s not good for the borrower to be slave to the lender

 

[Xantippe]

Wow, that is a hard situation to be in. It does sound as if Mom is prone to overreact but looking at this situation from a purely non-emotional one, I would have to agree with HoosierDaddy.

If OP was living somewhere else, he would be obligated to pay the rent and the landlord wouldn’t give one flying flip whether he actually lay his head there at night or not. It wouldn’t affect the obligation that he is to pay the monthly rent. Also, if the OP was living somewhere with a non-relative landlord, he would STILL be obligated to pay the last month’s rent regardless of wedding expenses, etc.

The situation here is tricky, though, because the landlord (and mother of the groom) is Mom and as a landlord, Mom wants the last month’s rent which is her right per their explicit or implicit agreement.

As for the Mother of the Groom issues previously experienced, that is a totally separate issue. She was being unreasonable and irrational about that and it certainly sheds light on her mental state. However, again, it has no bearing on the OP’s obligation to pay the last month’s rent.

Another reason why it’s not good for the borrower to be slave to the lender

But if the landlord were not mom, the OP could still go to mom and dad and ask for help with the last month’s rent/wedding expenses…

At least in the US, it’s quite normal these days for the groom’s family to be hit up for a contribution to the wedding. It raises a lot of issues (too many cooks spoil the soup), but to marry off a child these days and get off virtually scot-free financially is amazing.

If it were my son getting married, and the only contribution asked of me was to buy a dress and forgive a last month of rent, I’d be dancing in the streets.

 

[Xantippe]

If there’s no budging, request a meeting with mom and dad both about wedding/move-out finances and lay out various options, with the last option being that you will borrow the last month of rent to them.

Then stop and see what they offer.

Borrowing is not fun or a long-term plan, but it does have the virtue of transforming debt to family into debt to non-family, which is a step forward.

Also, mom may be right and cash wedding gifts may actually cover this, or almost cover it.

(By the way, my theory on this whole situation is that it’s probably mostly a bid for your attention. You’ve been away a lot, and your mom is starved for attention and the only way she knows how to get it is by starting fights with you.)

 

[pianistclare]

This thread amazes me.
Devout Catholic young man has his education in place, has a plan for a career, is set to marry young wonderful Catholic young woman. They are NOT living together.
And everyone wants to pile on that he should cover a party for people he doesn’t really care about so mama won’t be mad.

Astounding.

---

Kudos to this young couple. I wish them all the best, many prayers and blessing. ***
Mom should rejoice in the MARRIAGE, not a wedding party.

There are plenty of ways to celebrate, but getting into debt on that first day together? Not smart. I would love for my son to live at home with me, if I had a son his age. Think of the benefits.

Joe’s from Ireland as many of you know. He says they frequently declined wedding invitations because it was customary for people to EXPECT cash in a card to help defray the cost of the wedding meal and reception. The kids seldom received gifts for their new household. Nope. They paid for was was essentially a party for the parents and their friends. As a social obligation.

My sisters and I had weddings that were very Catholic (Mass) and receptions that my parents could easily afford. translated: Close relatives, a handful of friends, and cake, punch, light refreshments. No band, no dance, no fancy decorations.

It was fine. People rarely remember that awful hotel food.

I can’t believe this is an issue. Unbelievable.

 

[lax16]

But if the landlord were not mom, the OP could still go to mom and dad and ask for help with the last month’s rent/wedding expenses…

At least in the US, it’s quite normal these days for the groom’s family to be hit up for a contribution to the wedding. It raises a lot of issues (too many cooks spoil the soup), but to marry off a child these days and get off virtually scot-free financially is amazing.

If it were my son getting married, and the only contribution asked of me was to buy a dress and forgive a last month of rent, I’d be dancing in the streets.

Yes!

The rehearsal dinner and other expenses on the groom’s sides can run thousands of dollars.

I should know, our son got married last April.

 

[lax16]

I am getting married in just over a month. Everything is in place. Wedding organised and paid for, honeymoon the same. And we’ve just rented a small apartment for us to live after the wedding. My fiancee has moved in ahead of the wedding and I will stay at home with my parents until the wedding.

I have lived with my parents for years and I have paid a contribution to the running of the household ever since I had a job. Now that we are renting an apartment for after the wedding I need to redirect that money to the rent for that place.
I have told my mother in advance that this would be the case and I wouldn’t be able to afford to pay into the house for the last month or so before the wedding.

However she seems to think I’m being extremely unreasonable and has gone as far as to suggest that my fiancee should give me money so that I can keep paying the “rent” to her as well.

Any advice to deal with this situation?

How about give her half and call it done. Would she agree to that under the circumstances?

Gob bless you for not living with your fiancee just to make things easier. You are a wonderful example of an engaged Catholic couple!!

 

[Irishmom2]

Or this. “Ok mom, I will pay you if you insist, but tell me which of your personal friends should I tell are no longer invited because I have to pay you rent?”

 

[Irishmom2]

Wondering… does your mother like your fiancee? ie get on with her? If not that could be a factor

Yes which is why I asked how the mother gets on with the bride.

This is not about the bride to be. It is about his mom wanting her way. She wanted her way in the wedding plans which she was not paying for, and now this. She is treating her own son like a tenant and not a son.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Wow, that is a hard situation to be in. It does sound as if Mom is prone to overreact but looking at this situation from a purely non-emotional one, I would have to agree with HoosierDaddy.

If OP was living somewhere else, he would be obligated to pay the rent and the landlord wouldn’t give one flying flip whether he actually lay his head there at night or not. It wouldn’t affect the obligation that he is to pay the monthly rent. Also, if the OP was living somewhere with a non-relative landlord, he would STILL be obligated to pay the last month’s rent regardless of wedding expenses, etc.

The situation here is tricky, though, because the landlord (and mother of the groom) is Mom and as a landlord, Mom wants the last month’s rent which is her right per their explicit or implicit agreement.

As for the Mother of the Groom issues previously experienced, that is a totally separate issue. She was being unreasonable and irrational about that and it certainly sheds light on her mental state. However, again, it has no bearing on the OP’s obligation to pay the last month’s rent.

Another reason why it’s not good for the borrower to be slave to the lender

If mom wants to be legalistic, and we are going to treat mom as a landlord in this context, then perhaps mom can produce a signed copy of Adam’s lease to settle the matter. Short of that, your argument falls short because there is no legal agreement. That’s why, IMO, treating it as a legal matter and not a compassionate, mother-son relationship matter is a bad thing.

Mom is being silly and unreasonable in this case. By your logic, the terms of their non-written agreement would be binding even if the son was having all his income sucked away paying for life-saving medical treatment.

“Sorry kid, love ya, but a deal’s a deal.”

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Well, see what monicad wrote earlier.

Back in June, AdamPeter was writing:

“We’re at the stage of sending wedding invitations out. The problem is that my mother insists that we invite all these distant relatives that we rarely see to the wedding. I have no problem inviting a few of her friends and relatives along. But if I suggest a limit or try to discuss the matter she starts an argument about how much I contribute to the household and how the least I can do is let her invite the people she wants.
Any suggestions on how I could resolve this and get her to understand that I don’t have the money to invite all the people she wants? She doesn’t seem to get that I’m not being a Buzzkill, I am just genuinely concerned about the cost.”

“It’s not so much an “intimate wedding” issue as a cost issue. My family is massive as it is. It’s 50 euros per head for each adult that comes to the meal. I can’t seem to get her to understand that I can’t afford to pay that. It wouldn’t be an issue if she offered to contribute. She keeps saying that we’ll get money on the day as gifts and that’ll cover any extra cost. I’m not really prepared to rely on that.”

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=1013316

So, this isn’t exactly a purely landlord-tenant issue and AdamPeter’s mom has a history of not taking his financial limitations into account.

If the mom were posting we would all agree on what she should do. But she isn’t. I think it’s pretty clear. Part of being a grown up married man is fulfilling your obligations.

 

[lax16]

Maybe mom is really going to miss you and she’s having a hard time admitting to it and is making it a financial issue.

 

[Javan]

Or this. “Ok mom, I will pay you if you insist, but tell me which of your personal friends should I tell are no longer invited because I have to pay you rent?”

Yes. This.

 

[pensmama87]

If the mom were posting we would all agree on what she should do. But she isn’t. I think it’s pretty clear. Part of being a grown up married man is fulfilling your obligations.

That may be true, but his mother insisting on this obligation seems to me a good way for AP to avoid being obliged to her in anything in the future.

I think it’s really terrible of her to insist on it, and I’m making a mental note of how I’d like to treat my sons in the future, especially if they stay on the moral straight and narrow as AP has.