Financial issue with family coming up to marriage

[AdamP88]

Have you pointed that out to her yet?

I think I would the next time she brings up the subject of the “rent.”

“I owe you money mom, but you owe me money for extra wedding guests. Let’s call it even.”

I actually haven’t yet. Maybe she’s forgotten about it. Maybe she hasn’t thought about it or thought about the situation really. She’s not a horrible person. I guess it might be the wedding getting to her. I am the oldest child and maybe pre-wedding emotions are playing a part.

 

[pianistclare]

Family relationships are never part of a spreadsheet.
Some families are generous.
Some are maniacally stingy.


But love isn’t measured in dollars.
If I were a soon to be mother in law…I wouldn’t want to show that face to my new daughter in law. It sets up an “evening of some score” mentality.
Real great.
Wait till the kids come alright. Wait people start talking about what kinds of gifts the kids get from the “nice” granny and the “not nice granny”.
Sheesh. Lets just handicap this sweet couple from the get-go.

No bueno. :nope:

 

[AdamP88]

The landlord and the guests are two seperate issues. Unless we want to create a spreadsheet on who did what for whom for the entirety of the op’s life. In that case how much does labor and raising s child cost?

If we wish to connect the rent to the extra guests I suppose we can add on a host of things and for some reason I think the op might come up a little on the short side here…

The issues are seperate.

Are you intentionally trying to be obtuse? How are the issues separate? I could have said “no mom, I’m not inviting your guests”. But I basically thought she’d enjoy the wedding more if her friends were there. If this is how you look at things, I’m glad I’m not your child.

 

[AdamP88]

Family relationships are never part of a spreadsheet.
Some families are generous.
Some are maniacally stingy.


But love isn’t measured in dollars.
If I were a soon to be mother in law…I wouldn’t want to show that face to my new daughter in law. It sets up an “evening of some score” mentality.
Real great.
Wait till the kids come alright. Wait people start talking about what kinds of gifts the kids get from the “nice” granny and the “not nice granny”.
Sheesh. Lets just handicap this sweet couple from the get-go.

No bueno. :nope:

I think we’re getting a little too carried away here. The issue is not about interference of my mom in our affairs, it’s about the situation happening in the present. I have no problem having a discussion with my mother or setting boundaries. I don’t really invite my mother in to make big life decisions with me. That’s why I was happier to pay for the wedding myself.

 

[pianistclare]

I think we’re getting a little too carried away here. The issue is not about interference of my mom in our affairs, it’s about the situation happening in the present. I have no problem having a discussion with my mother or setting boundaries. I don’t really invite my mother in to make big life decisions with me. That’s why I was happier to pay for the wedding myself.

I was responding to those who want make it about money, not you, dear one.

 

[AdamP88]

I was responding to those who want make it about money, not you, dear one.

Oh…sorry. I see.

 

[Xantippe]

I actually haven’t yet. Maybe she’s forgotten about it. Maybe she hasn’t thought about it or thought about the situation really. She’s not a horrible person. I guess it might be the wedding getting to her. I am the oldest child and maybe pre-wedding emotions are playing a part.

I think I would mention it–if she brings it up again.

 

[Xantippe]

But love isn’t measured in dollars.
**If I were a soon to be mother in law…I wouldn’t want to show that face to my new daughter in law. It sets up an “evening of some score” mentality. **
Real great.
Wait till the kids come alright. Wait people start talking about what kinds of gifts the kids get from the “nice” granny and the “not nice granny”.
Sheesh. Lets just handicap this sweet couple from the get-go.

Right.

 

[Xantippe]

**The landlord and the guests are two seperate issues. **Unless we want to create a spreadsheet on who did what for whom for the entirety of the op’s life. In that case how much does labor and raising s child cost?

If we wish to connect the rent to the extra guests I suppose we can add on a host of things and for some reason I think the op might come up a little on the short side here…

The issues are seperate.

No, not at all. The OP is strapped because of the wedding expenses, a chunk of which was his mom’s doing. Her failure to pay the money she promised for guests contributes to his inability to pay his last month of rent to her right now.

I feel like his mom is not very good at the cause-and-effect thing, especially when it comes to money.

 

[slh3016]

Ehhh…welll…we also had a deal that mom would pay for her own wedding guests, but that didn’t actually happen. I covered most of them out and I was kinda hoping she’d recognise that.

I am very sorry you are dealing with that. Let me double-assure you that I can GREATLY empathize with your situation.

If mom agreed to pay for her guests and is now reneging, this, IMHO, is how you need to play the situation:

Have a check made out to your mom and dad in your hand for whatever the amount you normally pay. Invite Mom AND Dad to sit with you at the kitchen table. If the guests have all RSVP’d yet, hand them a detailed “bill” for their guests’ costs but keep hold of your check. Tell your parents that you had a verbal agreement for them to pay their portion and you want them to endorse the back of the check and give it back to you to help offset the costs and that they can either a) forget the whole deal or b) set up payment arrangements for their wedding costs.

If they refuse, keep the check and pay toward the wedding but make it VERY clear to everyone in the room (possibly record the entire ordeal) that Mom refused your check because she refused to honor her word. That way, if ever brought up in the future, you have proof of exactly what took place and that you DID try to honor your supposed obligation.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

No, not at all. The OP is strapped because of the wedding expenses, a chunk of which was his mom’s doing. Her failure to pay the money she promised for guests contributes to his inability to pay his last month of rent to her right now.

I feel like his mom is not very good at the cause-and-effect thing, especially when it comes to money.

I’m suprised by your take on this.

The two radio advice people I can think of to address this bill Handel and Dave Ramsey would have different answers. You seem to always come down on the Ramsey side but today you have a " go pound sand" handle on the law answer…

Perhaps dr Laura could weigh in, do you want to call or should I.

This really is no more complicated than someone who was not required to put a security deposit down realizing the month before they move out that they have to rob Peter to pay Paul because they didn’t plan for this. Should the wisdom of spending money on a wedding when you can’t afford next months rent come into play here?

 

[Rau]

If mom wants to be legalistic, and we are going to treat mom as a landlord in this context, then perhaps mom can produce a signed copy of Adam’s lease to settle the matter. Short of that, your argument falls short because there is no legal agreement. That’s why, IMO, treating it as a legal matter and not a compassionate, mother-son relationship matter is a bad thing.

Mom is being silly and unreasonable in this case. By your logic, the terms of their non-written agreement would be binding even if the son was having all his income sucked away paying for life-saving medical treatment.

“Sorry kid, love ya, but a deal’s a deal.”

Legality of an agreement is not dependent on it being written down, though enforcement may be easier if it is.

 

[Rau]

…I think everyone is too hung up on the mother being unreasonable. No one is defending her…

But, the mom isn’t posting and we have no way to advise her or change her behavior. We can however advise a young man to pay what he owes even when he doesn’t like the terms or it is hard to do.

AND we can make suggestions on reaching an amicable outcome that ought to be satisfactory to both parties, particularly noting the familial relationship involved, as most posters have done. Eg. Could my last week’s rent be your wedding present mom?

 

[Xantippe]

I am very sorry you are dealing with that. Let me double-assure you that I can GREATLY empathize with your situation.

If mom agreed to pay for her guests and is now reneging, this, IMHO, is how you need to play the situation:

Have a check made out to your mom and dad in your hand for whatever the amount you normally pay. Invite Mom AND Dad to sit with you at the kitchen table. If the guests have all RSVP’d yet, hand them a detailed “bill” for their guests’ costs but keep hold of your check. Tell your parents that you had a verbal agreement for them to pay their portion and you want them to endorse the back of the check and give it back to you to help offset the costs and that they can either a) forget the whole deal or b) set up payment arrangements for their wedding costs.

If they refuse, keep the check and pay toward the wedding but make it VERY clear to everyone in the room (possibly record the entire ordeal) that Mom refused your check because she refused to honor her word. That way, if ever brought up in the future, you have proof of exactly what took place and that you DID try to honor your supposed obligation.

I would not be quite that confrontational with my mom because there aren’t any third parties to prove anything to (the thing on the line here is the OP’s relationship with his parents), but I like these parts of your idea:

–meeting with mom and dad (announce subject in advance)
–have check written out
–have list written out of mom’s guests’ expenses

I think things need to be made really clear.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

AND we can make suggestions on reaching an amicable outcome that ought to be satisfactory to both parties, particularly noting the familial relationship involved, as most posters have done. Eg. Could my last week’s rent be your wedding present mom?

Sure. Asking is permissible!

 

[Xantippe]

I’m suprised by your take on this.

The two radio advice people I can think of to address this bill Handel and Dave Ramsey would have different answers. You seem to always come down on the Ramsey side but today you have a " go pound sand" handle on the law answer…

Perhaps dr Laura could weigh in, do you want to call or should I.

This really is no more complicated than someone who was not required to put a security deposit down realizing the month before they move out that they have to rob Peter to pay Paul because they didn’t plan for this. Should the wisdom of spending money on a wedding when you can’t afford next months rent come into play here?

Well, I suspect DR would be on my side here–we’ve offered several different ways to skin this cat.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Well, I suspect DR would be on my side here–we’ve offered several different ways to skin this cat.

Like I said to another poster. Ask all you want but when the mother does not give in the easiest and best course may be to pull up your britches and pay what’s owed. Like you would be legally required to do.

Again. Dave Ramsey advice would not lead to being unable to pay a realative for the last month of rent… So one could have a wedding…

I will say that I like AP and I think he has his head on strait and I am impressed with the way he handles himself. I love the morality involved!

I do think we will have future AP threads about mom and wife.

So this conversation will probably continue!

 

[slh3016]

I would not be quite that confrontational with my mom because there aren’t any third parties to prove anything to (the thing on the line here is the OP’s relationship with his parents), but I like these parts of your idea:

–meeting with mom and dad (announce subject in advance)
–have check written out
–have list written out of mom’s guests’ expenses

I think things need to be made really clear.

Yep, spelling everything out might help a lot. We had a similar situation with an unreasonable mother-in-law, who was angered about us becoming Catholic, and who suddenly decided that we needed to pay them rent for the use of farmland that she and her husband (the actual owner who inherited it) had promised my husband he could use if he went to college and paid the property taxes every year.

DH had to spell out exactly how much he spent a year in taxes and liability insurance, how much in improvements he had made to the land in fencing and buildings, etc. for the last 18 years and when she saw that she would actually owe US money, her tirade ceased

Thankfully, it’s all good now (for the time being)…lol

 

[pensmama87]

I’m suprised by your take on this.

The two radio advice people I can think of to address this bill Handel and Dave Ramsey would have different answers. You seem to always come down on the Ramsey side but today you have a " go pound sand" handle on the law answer…

Perhaps dr Laura could weigh in, do you want to call or should I.

This really is no more complicated than someone who was not required to put a security deposit down realizing the month before they move out that they have to rob Peter to pay Paul because they didn’t plan for this. Should the wisdom of spending money on a wedding when you can’t afford next months rent come into play here?

Money that was only spent as a favor to his mother… (and that she owes him for but hasn’t paid yet!)

That’s why the two situations can’t be untangled. If that situation hadn’t gone down, this one wouldn’t have either.

 

[Irishmom2]

This really is no more complicated than someone who was not required to put a security deposit down realizing the month before they move out that they have to rob Peter to pay Paul because they didn’t plan for this. Should the wisdom of spending money on a wedding when you can’t afford next months rent come into play here?

You just can’t help yourself here can you?

His mom is the reason his wedding cost what it cost.

Really, you are being ridiculous at this point. You have your blinders on and seem intent on making yourself look