Financial issue with family coming up to marriage

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Xantippe said:
Well, I suspect DR would be on my side here–we’ve offered several different ways to skin this cat.
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Irishmom2 said:
You just can’t help yourself here can you?

His mom is the reason his wedding cost what it cost.

Really, you are being ridiculous at this point. You have your blinders on and seem intent on making yourself look :whistle:
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You are surely entitled to your opinion. I was unaware the op’s mother forced his wallet open but even if she did, he still owes the money.

You seem to want to punish the mothers bad behavior monetarily by stiffing her. That is an emotional response.

Please keep your posts charitable.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Sure. Asking is permissible!
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And even more useful than a simple “man up/pay your debt, son” response don’t you think? Your advice has a place in the list of options - I’m just surprised you’ve kind of put it out there that our more situationally-relevant responses don’t.
 
OP, please, there are some good and some not so good suggestions here. I think it’s gotten a bit crazy on this thread… but please whatever you do, try and do something to diffuse the situation. I’m not saying not to ask for the money for the extra guests - you should. I also think you should be able to work out something fair regarding the rent. But just try and keep everyone happy even if it means you have to swallow your pride a bit and put up with some silly behaviour from your mum.

You and your mum are both getting a lot of flack on this thread; I don’t think either of you deserve it.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Like I said to another poster. Ask all you want but when the mother does not give in the easiest and best course may be to pull up your britches and pay what’s owed. Like you would be legally required to do.

**Again. Dave Ramsey advice would not lead to being unable to pay a realative for the last month of rent… So one could have a wedding…
**

I will say that I like AP and I think he has his head on strait and I am impressed with the way he handles himself. I love the morality involved!

**I do think we will have future AP threads about mom and wife. **

So this conversation will probably continue!
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1 - I don’t think you were listening to the part where I paid for my mom’s wedding guests despite having a deal about that.

2 - I don’t really think that’ll be the case. Mom was all up in my brother’s face about his wedding but once he was out of the family home, she backed off big time.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
You are surely entitled to your opinion. I was unaware the op’s mother forced his wallet open but even if she did, he still owes the money.

You seem to want to punish the mothers bad behavior monetarily by stiffing her. That is an emotional response.

Please keep your posts charitable.
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And she still owes him the money she agreed she would pay him for the extra guests. I think part of what you are missing is the fact that OP agreed to the extra guests because his mom agreed to pay for them. She then did not follow through on her commitment to pay for the guests which forced OP to have to use the money he would have paid to her for rent on her guests instead. If, as you say, a deal is a deal, then just as he owes his mom rent she owes him the money for the extra guests that she agreed to pay. This isn’t a matter of poor financial planning on OP’s part, the reason he can’t lay his mom the money he owes her is because she didn’t pay the money she owes him.
 
thewanderer said:
And she still owes him the money she agreed she would pay him for the extra guests. I think part of what you are missing is the fact that OP agreed to the extra guests because his mom agreed to pay for them. She then did not follow through on her commitment to pay for the guests which forced OP to have to use the money he would have paid to her for rent on her guests instead. If, as you say, a deal is a deal, then just as he owes his mom rent she owes him the money for the extra guests that she agreed to pay. This isn’t a matter of poor financial planning on OP’s part, the reason he can’t lay his mom the money he owes her is because she didn’t pay the money she owes him.
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Right. And as I suspect their “agreements” don’t forbid offsetting one debt against another, to do so is reasonable, and brings the matter to an end.
 
When you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money.

Just tell mom that you don’t have it now. No matter how much she complains is not going to make you have it, and I doubt she will kick u out.

Tell her you’ll give it to her after the wedding…and then later you can figure out how you want to handle it…ie, deduct cost of extra guests etc.

People get very stressed out before a wedding.

Edited to add: if she keeps it up, just ask her if this is the way she wants you to remember the last days at home? You don’t have the money.
 
slh3016 said:
Yep, spelling everything out might help a lot. We had a similar situation with an unreasonable mother-in-law, who was angered about us becoming Catholic, and who suddenly decided that we needed to pay them rent for the use of farmland that she and her husband (the actual owner who inherited it) had promised my husband he could use if he went to college and paid the property taxes every year.

DH had to spell out exactly how much he spent a year in taxes and liability insurance, how much in improvements he had made to the land in fencing and buildings, etc. for the last 18 years and when she saw that she would actually owe US money, her tirade ceased 😃

Thankfully, it’s all good now (for the time being)…lol
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Yeah.

Isn’t it amazing how acute people’s memories are what other people owe them, and how poor they are at remembering what they owe other people?
 
AdamPeter said:
1 - I don’t think you were listening to the part where I paid for my mom’s wedding guests despite having a deal about that.

2 - I don’t really think that’ll be the case. Mom was all up in my brother’s face about his wedding but once he was out of the family home, she backed off big time.
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That’s interesting.
 
mommy_k said:
**When you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money.

Just tell mom that you don’t have it now. No matter how much she complains is not going to make you have it, and I doubt she will kick u out.**

Tell her you’ll give it to her after the wedding…and then later you can figure out how you want to handle it…ie, deduct cost of extra guests etc.

People get very stressed out before a wedding.

Edited to add: if she keeps it up, just ask her if this is the way she wants you to remember the last days at home? You don’t have the money.
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Right.

It would be ideal to settle this now, particularly if the balance for the guests exceeds the last month’s rent. I would not want to be living with this for the next month, through the wedding and honeymoon.
 
Xantippe said:
Right.

It would be ideal to settle this now, particularly if the balance for the guests exceeds the last month’s rent. I would not want to be living with this for the next month, through the wedding and honeymoon.
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Yes under normal circumstances but mom is being unreasonable, and may be unreasonable with this as well. It may be due to the stress level of him moving out and the wedding… I am sure the op is feeling a bit stressed too.

At any rate, I would be prepared for mom to say --aha–so this is why you won’t pay me, you planned this and so on, and it may not be a peaceful solution. Timing is everything and I doubt she will be accepting of it right now.

I personally would gently close the door now, he really does not have the money and when the stress level is back to normal, settle things then…

I would tell her I know how you feel mom, but the wedding took all my money for the time being, and that we can settle things after the wedding–when I have the money–right now I dont, and thank you for understanding.
 
mommy_k said:
Yes under normal circumstances but mom is being unreasonable, and may be unreasonable with this as well. It may be due to the stress level of him moving out and the wedding… I am sure the op is feeling a bit stressed too.

At any rate, I would be prepared for mom to say --aha–so this is why you won’t pay me, you planned this and so on, and it may not be a peaceful solution. Timing is everything and I doubt she will be accepting of it right now.

I personally would gently close the door now, he really does not have the money and when the stress level is back to normal, settle things then…

I would tell her I know how you feel mom, but the wedding took all my money for the time being, and that we can settle things after the wedding–when I have the money–right now I dont, and thank you for understanding.
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Yeah.

I feel like there may not be a peaceful way to do this before the wedding, especially if mom is one of those fretful people who just can’t let things go. It might be much more pleasant to do the negotiating, knowing that he can go **home ** elsewhere.

But it would be really nice to resolve it now!
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
If the mom were posting we would all agree on what she should do. But she isn’t. I think it’s pretty clear. Part of being a grown up married man is fulfilling your obligations.
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First, AP is not married. Yet. Second, I agree about fulfilling obligations. However, AP did tell his mother way in advance that he would not be able to contribute to the household during this time period.

I would think that most reasonable people are somewhat flexible.
 
Graceful_Lamb said:
First, AP is not married. Yet. Second, I agree about fulfilling obligations. However, AP did tell his mother way in advance that he would not be able to contribute to the household during this time period.

I would think that most reasonable people are somewhat flexible.
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Note to renters… As long as you tell people way in advance you are off the hook…
😉
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Note to renters… As long as you tell people way in advance you are off the hook…
😉
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She isn’t his landlord. She is his mother.

HD, I hope you are never in a financial situation wHicham may require some compassionate flexibility on the part of another relative.
 
Graceful_Lamb said:
She isn’t his landlord. She is his mother.

HD, I hope you are never in a financial situation wHicham may require some compassionate flexibility on the part of another relative.
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I have been in many. That’s not the point though. His mother should let it go. If she doesn’t he should pay what he owes.
 
OP ever thought of eloping?Or a secret wedding like I arranged for a young Irish couple? Worked out well.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I have been in many. That’s not the point though. His mother should let it go. If she doesn’t he should pay what he owes.
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So, how do you suggest he deal with the issue of the wedding money that his mom owes him?

Why is it a burning necessity for him to pay a last month of rent, but not for his mom to pay him the money she promised for her guests?

I can see why you might pay the money and suck it up just in order to salvage the relationship, but then that wouldn’t be because he had some sort of sacred duty to pay her the money. There just isn’t a sacred duty to pay a debt of $100 to a person that also owes you $100.
 
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