Financial issue with family coming up to marriage

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Xantippe said:
So, how do you suggest he deal with the issue of the wedding money that his mom owes him?

Why is it a burning necessity for him to pay a last month of rent, but not for his mom to pay him the money she promised for her guests?

I can see why you might pay the money and suck it up just in order to salvage the relationship, but then that wouldn’t be because he had some sort of sacred duty to pay her the money. There just isn’t a sacred duty to pay a debt of $100 to a person that also owes you $100.
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I just Reread the thread from June about the guests. I didn’t find where the mom agreed to pay but it was suggested she pay upfront.

What a mess. The op has not put his foot down at all. But I find it odd that this is the one thing he will put his foot down with. There is some serious manipulation and passive aggressive behavior on both sides.

I’ll still stick with he should be a man of honor even if his mother is being unreasonable.

That June thread…
We are all to blame for the advice on that one…
 
Xantippe said:
So, how do you suggest he deal with the issue of the wedding money that his mom owes him?

Why is it a burning necessity for him to pay a last month of rent, but not for his mom to pay him the money she promised for her guests?

I can see why you might pay the money and suck it up just in order to salvage the relationship, but then that wouldn’t be because he had some sort of sacred duty to pay her the money. There just isn’t a sacred duty to pay a debt of $100 to a person that also owes you $100.
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I will say that it is a shame when money comes between a loving relationship. The mother should not be doing this to a young couple. But a young couple should have planned for this. This was an issue in June.

My mother tries to manipulate with money all the time. She always has. Thank goodness we became independent from that. My mom is obsessed with money and status. It’s where we differ.
 
I think under the circumstances I myself would just let it go in one ear and out the other and then if necessary just say “Gosh Mom, with everything else going on I just can’t handle it right now. Maybe sometime in the future.”

And it would take more than a couple of posts on an internet forum to convince me that this is a legal matter involving a tenant and a landlord. Goodness, if it is, maybe I could sue my two sons for the years they lived at home after turning 18 until they went out on their own (and the two times one of them moved back in for a while) and then I could by a yacht and sail the Carribean. 😉
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I just Reread the thread from June about the guests. I didn’t find where the mom agreed to pay but it was suggested she pay upfront.

What a mess. The op has not put his foot down at all. But I find it odd that this is the one thing he will put his foot down with. There is some serious manipulation and passive aggressive behavior on both sides.

I’ll still stick with he should be a man of honor even if his mother is being unreasonable.

That June thread…
We are all to blame for the advice on that one…
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Yes but he cannot pull the money out of thin air. If you don’t have the money, well, again…you just don’t have it.

Some mother’s do not handle wedding plans well. And then, here she also went a bit off when his sibling got married and went back to her normal self after the wedding.

I vote to just deflect until later, and as Xantippe said, if she complains or debates too much about the solution can leave and go home to his wife.

I also think that the happiness of the actual wedding, and when all is behind her, she may soften.AP also has to think if she needs the money for the rehearsal dinner or something related to the wedding, and if so, let her know that going low key is fine.

If he really wanted to be a jerk, he can tell her to get the rent from the extra people she insisted come…:eek:

But we know own AP is not a jerk, and will handle his mom with grace later. He will let it be known that the extra guests were a financial burden to him…He needs to tell her he invited them for her, because he loves her and wanted her to be happy at his wedding. So that’s why the rent is late…hopefully the extra guests have covered thier dinner…so it will be a moot point to negotiate if they do.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
You are surely entitled to your opinion. I was unaware the op’s mother forced his wallet open but even if she did, he still owes the money.

You seem to want to punish the mothers bad behavior monetarily by stiffing her. That is an emotional response.

Please keep your posts charitable.
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I know what it is like to have parents that use money in a manipulative way. I asked for a very small loan years ago and there was a huge fight about it months later. This was at least twenty years ago. I have never asked my parents for a dime since and never will.

So I suppose it is okay for his mother to stiff him on the paying for the wedding guests **she ** wanted, but it isn’t okay for him not tell his mom that he is unable to pay his last month’s expenses towards the household because of rent for his fiancees apartment, etc.?

To the OP, I would say either find a way after the wedding to pay your parents back for this last month and/or find a friend’s house or relative’s house to sleep at until the wedding. Make sure all your belongings are moved into the apartment, except for what you need. Then when you are married, you can just move in.

If it were me, I would have to say that there would be a period of time that I would probably not be speaking to them.

I really think his mom has a lot of nerve expecting him to pay for the last month’s household contribution when she has failed to live up to her obligation.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I just Reread the thread from June about the guests. I didn’t find where the mom agreed to pay but it was suggested she pay upfront.

**What a mess. The op has not put his foot down at all. But I find it odd that this is the one thing he will put his foot down with. There is some serious manipulation and passive aggressive behavior on both sides. **

I’ll still stick with he should be a man of honor even if his mother is being unreasonable.

That June thread…
We are all to blame for the advice on that one…
Click to expand...
Manipulation and passive aggressive behaviour? Where did you even get that from? You seem to have this “holier-than thou” attitude as if your advice is more relevant than the other posters and you have some valuable lesson to teach in spite of the information that has been provided.
 
I’m coming round to the “We’ll talk about this after I get back from the honeymoon, mom” position.

It’s going to take nerves of steel, though.

Why do people insist of making other people’s weddings about them?
 
Xantippe said:
Why do people insist of making other people’s weddings about them?
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Exactly. My parents made my wedding planning about them. It was horrible. Looking back, I wish I would have eloped instead.
 
Graceful_Lamb said:
Exactly. My parents made my wedding planning about them. It was horrible. Looking back, I wish I would have eloped instead.
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Yes. We had a set of parents in our family who were like that. They had only a dozen people at their wedding, so we didn’t need more than that (forget the fact that that side of the family is very small and 20 people is a quiet Christmas party for the other side). Or, allegedly, two year engagements were done in the old country so we needed a two year engagement, also. Then, if we got married on a faster schedule than they preferred, dad wasn’t going to come. It went on and on…

We wound up doing a “Catholic elopement” with just ourselves and a handful of guests and no family after we figured out just how much heartache a “real” wedding was going to involve. But in our case, we hadn’t made a single arrangement or booking at that point, so it was relatively easy.
 
AdamPeter said:
Manipulation and passive aggressive behaviour? Where did you even get that from? You seem to have this “holier-than thou” attitude as if your advice is more relevant than the other posters and you have some valuable lesson to teach in spite of the information that has been provided.
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Good luck Adam.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I just Reread the thread from June about the guests. I didn’t find where the mom agreed to pay but it was suggested she pay upfront.

What a mess. The op has not put his foot down at all. But I find it odd that this is the one thing he will put his foot down with. There is some serious manipulation and passive aggressive behavior on both sides.

I’ll still stick with he should be a man of honor even if his mother is being unreasonable.

That June thread…
We are all to blame for the advice on that one…
Click to expand...
I admit I didn’t read the June thread, but in this tread he said his mom agreed to pay for them.

And, as for him paying his mom rent this month even though he doesn’t have the money how do you suggest he do that? He doesn’t have the money. The only way for him to pay it back is by reaching an agreement with his mom to either have her make that her wedding gift, pay it back as he can in the months following the wedding, or cross off the debt because of the similar debt his mom owes him. All of these have already been suggesmultiple times in this thread. I really dot think anyone is telling him to just completely ignore the rent money.
 
Thanks for all the advice. I think maybe some people might have gotten carried away with talk of “manipulative behaviour” etc.

In any case I don’t think my mom is doing this on purpose. I have explained to her the situation and that part of the reason I have less cash is because I covered some of her friends for the wedding meal.

I’m taking the advice of just laying it out and letting her make what she will of it. I’m not overly stressed about it as some people seem to think, I certainly won’t be worrying about it on honeymoon.

My parents are decent people and I’m pretty sure they’ll be ok in the end.
 
AdamPeter said:
Thanks for all the advice. I think maybe some people might have gotten carried away with talk of “manipulative behaviour” etc.

In any case I don’t think my mom is doing this on purpose. I have explained to her the situation and that part of the reason I have less cash is because I covered some of her friends for the wedding meal.

I’m taking the advice of just laying it out and letting her make what she will of it. I’m not overly stressed about it as some people seem to think, I certainly won’t be worrying about it on honeymoon.

My parents are decent people and I’m pretty sure they’ll be ok in the end.
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Your calm and level-headed approach is going to serve you well in marriage. 👍

God bless you and your bride-to-be!
 
Normally, I would say that you should pay your mom what you normally pay her. It IS bad form to tell her that you can’t pay her the rent when you are most likely shelling out a lot of money to furnish a good time for friends and family at your wedding. Also, it wouldn’t be too unusual for mom and dad to be strapped for cash leading up to their son’s wedding too, so they may actually need that money they’re expecting. I think it’s a little different in this case, if the mom actually owes the son money that she agreed to pay. I don’t think it would be out of line to say, “Can we call it even?” or if the amounts aren’t equal, “Can we apply this to that?”
 
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