Financials... over stressing with exs... relationships... pointing fingers

[iluvmybabies]

I have a question… well I guess looking for other’s stories, opinions and advice…on dealing with financials…relationships, etc…and I am kind of just venting…

With things going down hill, a bit, now-a-days…I find myself thinking of how things were growing up with my parents…AND with the hopes of getting married soon, it kind of has me worried about such things since I know how hard it was in my previous marriage to not do the blame game, which is something I pretty much was raised with and did and do many times myself…

I remember my parents all the time pointing the finger at each other…“You spend too much on the kids!” “You spend too much on alcohol!!” “There are too many bills to pay!” “You don’t make enough money!” “You don’t work long enough!” “You don’t let me rest!” etc…

Then I found myself in the same situation with my then husband now exhusband… After the children came, it was credit cards for emergencies, well husband would lose a job, or work less hours, or get laid off, or hours cut, etc…WELL there came the emergencies. Need gas for job searching, need money for food, need money for baby, need money for house bills etc…And all the while- “I can’t pay this back I don’t have a job you need to quit spending money!!” “We have to eat I can’t believe you are nagging me because I went and got food!” “You can go half a day without food look at you you are fat you don’t need to eat any more!!” “I can’t believe you, you are an ***** I just had your kid and you are calling me what?!” And it went on like this for many years…AND no matter what I did to try and make things better they got worst towards the end…

The other day I received an email from my exhusband when I reminded him to call his SON for his bday, because he had forgotten. It’s almost a week later and he still hasn’t called him. He’s so ticked off with me after I sent him an email blessing him and wishing him that GOD bless him and his family, he called me some horrible things, I mean everything from the B-W…It was very rude…something a tantrum throwing teen with anger issues might do and say…It would be inconceivable to think an adult would do that, at least not one pg one!!! YET he did…It hurt me because he forgot the reason’s that I left him, the same reasons he admitted to when we were going to a marriage counselor, the same reasons he asked for forgiveness after we were divorced and he wanted us to leave in good terms, the same reasons he realized were never going to change inside of him no matter how much he tried. Including his manipulation, and emotional and verbal abuse as well as some physical against his own children…

It’s funny how quickly people forget and turn right around and blame someone else…

He told me something like, you are so perfect always hiding behind GOD when everything that went wrong was your fault.

I responded with I wasn’t perfect and the only perfect being was GOD…

He didn’t answer back, thank GOD! I didn’t need to hear more from him.

Why is it that when things go bad or sour or negative or wrong, we always look for someone to point the finger too?
My children’s needs always come first, you know? Before mine or anyone elses. I need to make sure they are fed and have as much as they need like clothes and shoes, sweaters, jacket, socks, etc… It has always been this way but for my exhusband-then husband-it was always him first…I never understood that…Nor do I understand it now…FOR him even now, “I need to live, I need to eat, I need to have a home, I need to pay my car, I need to pay my insurance, I need to pay my bills!!”

YET he can’t even call his kids on his nice cell phone and wish them a happy bday??? AND I am the heartless one? I mean I can’t afford a cell phone and barely even afford my house phone which is through vonage…the cheapest thing out there!!!

He said that my kids were going to see the real me, and the truth of why I left him, that I left him for another man…AND that I destroyed their lives because I wanted some male part…and to fulfill my infatuation…

The funny thing is that we were long separated before I met the man I am now dating…LOL How easily forgotten things are…

He told me that I act perfect for GOD so that GOD can bless me, and that I hide my secrets from Him, as if GOD doesn’t know everything about me??? As if I can hide my feelings and whom I am from GOD? I thought to myself what an ignorant fool but I didn’t say anything to him besides what does he know about GOD when he blamed GOD for his mother’s death…Very sad.

As much as I wanted to make things work, enough was enough…AND I couldn’t take him any more, just like I can’t take him now!

Still, in my relationship I find myself comparing, I know it’s ridiculous and wrong, and I hate myself for doing that but sometimes I can’t help it. Like I think about the financials…AND how hard it is for me to make ends meet, yet my bf does try very hard to help me, but it’s not enough still. AND I find myself thinking what if I were to wait until he was no longer injured and then dated him again? Like ending it now until he was cured and feeling better so he could work and then we could get married and at least help each other out better…??

I know it seems heartless but sometimes I do think that…Not often it has popped into my head a couple of times…Because I feel like the weight of the world is on top of me, I have to raise my children, fight off my ex, help my new bf- whom is almost disabled… SO that doesn’t help me much you know?

 

[iluvmybabies]

I love him and he loves me, and so far it’s been an interesting tumbling weed, rollercoaster, but loving relationship, first things go smoothly and then a strong gust of wind just picks us up and throws us around, we manage to hang on and make it, and then it’s calm and stability but then all of a sudden comes the sand storm and just throws us off balance again. AND I have found myself doing the blame game…AGAIN!

I blamed him for not having enough money for my son’s 9th bday, I didn’t mean to, but I did… He helps me with my rent, he got badly injured in an accident, he can’t work even though the doctor’s have told him he was more than fine to do so. I feel bad for him because half way through the day he’s almost on the floor crying of pain but the doctor’s said he was fine! They told him that it can take up to 2 years to completely heal but that he has no restrictions, even though he can’t even pick up my 45lb son without tears coming down his eyes…AND knowing this deep down inside I sometimes think that maybe he’s not really that badly hurt, I mean come on why would doctor’s say that he’s fine when he’s not, you know!!! BUT when I see him in agony I can’t believe it’s not true and I feel terrible for doubting him. And even with his injury he tries to do some cash work here and there-he’s a computer tech-not in writing but he can tare up a computer and put it back working better than what it was-so he does some side jobs to help me out with my rent/bills. He decided to move back with his parents these past couple of months. He couldn’t afford his rent any more. His parents are charging him some rent and they push him really hard to get a job-that’s why he spends most of his days at my place and shows up to sleep late at night at his folks house. And when he tries to tell them he’s still hurt they just turn the other cheek. Which frustrates him and then I have to be the one consoling him, which I don’t mind because he’s my love!!! And isn’t that what a relationship is about? Showing each other that we can be there for each other through all the good times and bad times?

We went out to eat for vday at mcds the kids got happy meals, we had an ok time…We didn’t spend much because we don’t have much…but we made it the best possible…He had his guitar in the shop because it was not working well. He’s a musician, and was in a band but work got in the way, and then he got injured and well that didn’t last very long…
So he had to go pay for it several months ago but he didn’t have the cash then, so I told him that we could work something out around this time of the year, and even though he doesn’t live with me, he spends most of his time using my electricity etc so that’s why he helps me pay my rent/bills. He got out of balance with the money for the rent, because he had to pay for his guitar, and he had told me he needed to get it out all ready because they had been waiting for a while for him to pick it up and I agreed with him. Well I was hoping I would get a full amount for the child support from my ex so I didn’t think anything of it.

Well my son’s bday came, right after vday, and I was looking for the money I had put away for him and there was no money…Looked to see if child support had come in and it wasn’t enough to do anything with it!!! When I asked him about the missing money, he reminded me about the rent and the guitar…WELL I got angry and frustrated…

I couldn’t give my son a good bday because I was broke! I was disappointed and upset and I blamed him for it. I told him that if it wasn’t for him I would have had the money to give my son a good bday. Then I told him that if he had a job that he wouldn’t need to live with his parents and stay in my place all the time wasting my electricity etc while I bust myself working to make ends meet.

He was upset with me and told me that he was just going to sell his guitar then if that would make me happy! AND I told him he missed the entire point!

Then I told him that if this is how things were going to be when we were married? Me working all the time while he did nothing, but complained about his injury all the time? And he looked at me with this surprised look and was like “no of course not, hopefully soon I will feel better and will get back to work! Remember I am going to school! AND I do help around the house and with some bills, just this month I had to get my guitar out, I thought we talked about this?!!”

And I responded with “yeah but that was only if the child support was paid in full and it isn’t!!! SO you shouldn’t have taken your guitar out unless we knew about the child support!!!”

It was wrong of me and I apologized. BUT I couldn’t help it.
He said he understood and was sorry for all the pressure he put on me, and that he didn’t know he was a burden for me, he thought we were helping each other out, get through the bad times and soon we were going to enjoy good times…BUT I told him that without a job such issues were going to be a problem especiallly when there is not enough money to make ends meet and we are struggling to even eat…

 

[iluvmybabies]

I told him I got an education for that reason, so I wouldn’t be like my parents always struggling to feed their kids, I didn’t want to be like them and all my life that’s how I have been. With my first exhusband struggling and now still struggling…

He held me and told me to remember that after the storm comes the calm, and after the clouds come sunny days, and all I needed to be was patient with him and things were going to get better for us.

I have been thinking every since, and wonder how in the world did my parents make it? 30+ years of marriage, and still going on…I don’t know? How come I couldn’t make my last marriage work? (I mean I don’t regret leaving him but it’s just the whole marriage thing you know?) AND I now doubt myself how can I make this relationship work? I love him and I want things to work, like I said we have been making it so far…BUT it’s different when that person is now going to actuallly live with you…

We have the love, the will, and the passion, as well as the want…and need to be with each other…I wished I were getting married within this month, but we are waiting for our classes with the priest…which aren’t until this may…

I just hate the blame game you know? Every time something goes wrong there has to be someone else to blame…Including myself…

How do we just see things as, not bad, instead of making money such a big deal… I mean even though I made my son his cake and everything, I wanted to finallly give him more, and I couldn’t, all because I didn’t get enough child support.

I know many mother’s or even people are probably like, “get a better job so you don’t depend on your child support!” BUT even if I wanted to, there aren’t any that will pay me what I all ready make, and as I stated before, with all the emotional problems my kids have gone through, and now finding out my son has ADD and I decided not to medicate him instead to get counseling assitance for him, which is once every week, and in the mornings for several hours at a time, it cuts down my options for finding jobs that will accept my circumstances, emergencies and needs. I don’t live near any family, and the friends’ I have are dealing with their own dramas, so for me to ask them for help would be like sticking them twice with a double edged sword.

So I have to depend on my ex…I wish I could say I can depend on my db but for now with his injury that is not an option…AND I just don’t want to blame someone else for my problems you know? I hate myself for doing that…

I try to think ok, don’t do what you did with your ex, don’t do what your parents did!! Don’t do what your friend’s do, you can do it! I mean our relationship started with me having 3 children, not just one or 2 but 3 and even though it’s been difficult he’s been there for me through it all, including the cancerous cells, my daughter’s almost suicidal thoughts and threats, my son’s add, my other son’s skin infection, and now I have to have an EKG done of my heart because I am hypertensive, and the fact that I may never have any children again, and he’s still sticking around…

I know I am not going to find another person as understanding and compasionate as my honey, and he does all this for my children and myself without asking for anything back…so why did I have to be so rude to him…???

UGH money shouldn’t be everything, and it isn’t but let me tell you that it sure helps…

Sorry for the rambling…just wanted to vent, been feeling bad for hurting him like I did, all because I got frustrated over something so insignificant such as money…

I tried to make up for it you know by making the day better with the kids, sharing stories, reading, singing, playing games, etc all together and everything, but even though, I wished I hadn’t reacted that way…AND I hope I never do that again…

Your thoughts and stories, as well as advise is greatly appreciated.

 

[forever_always]

I hope that vent made you feel better. Usually when I vent, I feel SO much better! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Hi Iluvmybabies,
you are in a difficult situation being a single mom, I know that (my mom raised my sister and me alone, but my aunt was by our side helping us with everything). My father also didn’t care about us, some things are just like that and you cannot change them.

I am happy to hear that you found someone who loves you and your children, and you are preparing to get married. If he cannot lift your 45-pound child without severe pain, that really sounds like he has a long way to go in healing from his accident. Is he attending any physical rehabilitation therapy? Can the doctors prescribe him any braces or similar aids that could help him in staying functional? This attitude of “you are perfectly healed now” seems strange to me.

Praying for you,
Joseph

 

[iluvmybabies]

Hi Iluvmybabies,
you are in a difficult situation being a single mom, I know that (my mom raised my sister and me alone, but my aunt was by our side helping us with everything). My father also didn’t care about us, some things are just like that and you cannot change them.

I am happy to hear that you found someone who loves you and your children, and you are preparing to get married. If he cannot lift your 45-pound child without severe pain, that really sounds like he has a long way to go in healing from his accident. Is he attending any physical rehabilitation therapy? Can the doctors prescribe him any braces or similar aids that could help him in staying functional? This attitude of “you are perfectly healed now” seems strange to me.

Praying for you,
Joseph

Thanks for the advise and support it’s greatly appreciated…Unfortunately my relationship with my mother has been a little rough and my sister is just like my mother so we aren’t all that close, we are great for parties, and family gatherings, but for like long term living near things it’s not for me… My kids would get blamed for everything that happened around the house, and to my sister’s kids…SO that didn’t help me much in deciding to stay near my family…

Like last year my nephew broke through the screen of their 46" LCD hdtv, and he didn’t get into trouble-except for a time out for 5 mins…IF it would have been my kids, I would have had to pay for it within 1 week…So yeah unfortunately I am not into the whole “let’s blame the lame daughter’s kids for everything!!”

He was attending physical therapy and he improved 5%, that was it…they told him that they couldn’t help him so they let him go…AND yeah he’s still not feeling well.

It’s really sad to see him but because of the money situation I kind of get frustrated all together…I think I was more upset at what my ex sent me and I must have taken it out on my boyfriend… It’s really dumb of me to do that and I hate myself when I do such ridiculous things…

They never gave him a brace nor anything to support his back…AND seriously they say he’s perfectly fine. ALL OF THE DOCTORS he has seen! AND he’s seen 3 of them… One of them finally said “well your injury doesn’t seem to be healing at all but it’s ok, and you are fine!”

I was like ok if it’s not healing then shouldn’t that mean that you are still injured?
So yeah it is a bit frustrating…

 

[iluvmybabies]

I hope that vent made you feel better. Usually when I vent, I feel SO much better! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

hi forever_always, yes I actually do feel a bit better… I hate it when I hold things in then I feel all, I don’t know sad at myself and my situations but I always try to get back up! I appreciate your thoughts and prayers! Thank you so much and GOD bless…I am grateful I am able to have good company here in the forum, I don’t feel so alone!! I mean I know I have GOD and with prayers He’s all I need but it’s nice to also have someone to talk to as well…or type to, you know??? Thanks!

 

[iluvmybabies]

Hi Iluvmybabies,
you are in a difficult situation being a single mom, I know that (my mom raised my sister and me alone, but my aunt was by our side helping us with everything). My father also didn’t care about us, some things are just like that and you cannot change them.

I am happy to hear that you found someone who loves you and your children, and you are preparing to get married. If he cannot lift your 45-pound child without severe pain, that really sounds like he has a long way to go in healing from his accident. Is he attending any physical rehabilitation therapy? Can the doctors prescribe him any braces or similar aids that could help him in staying functional? This attitude of “you are perfectly healed now” seems strange to me.

Praying for you,
Joseph

Hi Joseph, sorry I didn’t say hi in the first reply, I have a question… My ex said that he couldn’t wait for my kids to find out and know the real me, and the real reasons why I left him-he still believes it was for another man-seriously it wasn’t… Did you ever see your father? I don’t mean to pry or be nosy but I could use the advise over children and their fathers…since I know the time will be coming soon, probably this summer when they see their father again after 3 years…

I am afraid of what he will say against me to them, and since he does live poorly, that they will believe that I am taking everything from him as he blames me all the time for his inability to support himself let alone pay for the child support…

Your help is greatly appreciated…

 

[whatevergirl]

hi iluvmybabies…i’m sorry things have been tough. My question is…do you want to end it with your bf because he is injured, and can’t provide enough money? First, he is still quite young, and as time goes on, I’m sure his earning potential will increase. But, regardless of that, it’s good to marry someone who is stable financially,but it sounds like you would be ending it with him, because you are looking for someone to support you and your kids financially. Truth is, this man is NOT your husband, and frankly, he is supporting you and your kids out of the goodness of his heart, and the love he has for you. I wouldn’t end things because he isn’t giving enough. I don’t mean to sound…whatever…but, he loves you. You might not really love him, really think about this, if you are willing to end things, because he is injured and can’t provide enough. I was surprised reading this, because you sound in the past, like he is really ‘the one,’ and that you love him. But, if you really love him, you won’t end things simply over money. Just my two cents. (Unless there are other reasons, but I’m just going with what you post here…I know your situation hasn’t been easy. I think that really, your bf has been a great blessing, I know you know this–but don’t allow your ex to get in the way of your new love!)

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Hi Joseph, sorry I didn’t say hi in the first reply, I have a question… My ex said that he couldn’t wait for my kids to find out and know the real me, and the real reasons why I left him-he still believes it was for another man-seriously it wasn’t… Did you ever see your father? I don’t mean to pry or be nosy but I could use the advise over children and their fathers…since I know the time will be coming soon, probably this summer when they see their father again after 3 years…

I am afraid of what he will say against me to them, and since he does live poorly, that they will believe that I am taking everything from him as he blames me all the time for his inability to support himself let alone pay for the child support…

Your help is greatly appreciated…

Well, your ex has no business whatsoever bringing up the past to your children, attacking you and criticizing you, making comments about your bf whom you met after being divorced etc. But, sadly, that doesn’t mean he won’t try it, based on what he did and said previously. The problem is, he will hurt your children if he will behave like that. He will only cause turmoil in your children’s soul if he cannot control himself and thrust your kids into the middle of your conflicts. The smart thing would be for him to have a good time with the kids, do with them things that are entertaining and pleasant, and not to talk about the past.

When my father took us out, he never stopped harassing us, telling that my mother has boyfriends and what is she doing with them (in a graphic way), that my mother will have a traffic accident and then we kids will be alone and orphaned, etc. We were positively afraid to go out with my father. I was 7, my sister was 9. Finally my mother took legal action to protect us, and the authorities decided that in view of his behavior, especially the sexually oriented comments about my mother, he could not take my sister out, only me, but he had a right to visit us in my mother’s home. But I was also afraid of him and started crying and ran away when he tried to take me out. Then, he visited us a couple of times at home (bringing some neutral acquaintance to be present, to make sure civil discussion and behavior was upheld), and finally he grew tired and didn’t visit us anymore.

The gist of my story is, your kids need to be treated kindly, and you can take legal action to protect them if necessary. Making negative comments about the other parent and upsetting the fragile peace of your children’s soul is NO-NO and it should not be tolerated.

Sorry to hear you cannot count on other family members. Also my uncle (mother’s brother) and grandfather (mother’s father) were against us, in fact they were on my father’s side at the time of divorce. Living in a close to rural setting, most neighbors were also on my father’s side and that left us with no support except for my aunt who was like a second mother to us and shared her whole income with us. That’s how my mother could survive after being abandoned. She never dated anyone and never intended to remarry afterwards, but my aunt (who was never married) was really a great help to us. It’s tough to be alone and carry alone all the responsibilities. If your bf loves your kids and cares about them, that’s a good sign. I could list you off the top of my head at least four cases among my acquaintances and friends, who married divorced or widowed women with kids, and loved those kids as their own. You know, St. Joseph was also not the biological father of Jesus, and still Jesus, Mary and Joseph are the Holy Family and protectors of all families.

 

[iluvmybabies]

hi iluvmybabies…i’m sorry things have been tough. My question is…do you want to end it with your bf because he is injured, and can’t provide enough money? First, he is still quite young, and as time goes on, I’m sure his earning potential will increase. But, regardless of that, it’s good to marry someone who is stable financially,but it sounds like you would be ending it with him, because you are looking for someone to support you and your kids financially. Truth is, this man is NOT your husband, and frankly, he is supporting you and your kids out of the goodness of his heart, and the love he has for you. I wouldn’t end things because he isn’t giving enough. I don’t mean to sound…whatever…but, he loves you. You might not really love him, really think about this, if you are willing to end things, because he is injured and can’t provide enough. I was surprised reading this, because you sound in the past, like he is really ‘the one,’ and that you love him. But, if you really love him, you won’t end things simply over money. Just my two cents.

Hi whatevergirl, no it isn’t because he can’t support me or my kids, first of all I have never asked any man to ever support me…With my exhusband he and I made that deal that I would stay at home if any children were to come, but he broke the deal…I worked before I met my ex, I have been working since I was 11 years old, work isn’t a big deal for me to do…

On the contrary I enjoy my job very much, been here going on 3 years since I moved to Illinois and I wouldn’t change it for a thing… It’s just the pressure of him showing me that he really doesn’t want to do anything, at least he’s been showing this lately…

Example: 2 weeks ago, my db is suppose to be helping our mutual friends with their computer…He’s had this computer for 1 month all ready and hasn’t even opened it up. They got tired of waiting for him so they decide to go pick it up…When they show up she calls me right away and asks me if I let him smoke in the house…I answered no, she then asks if I knew that the house was upside down…I told her that the kids had left a small mess around the living room and the dining table but that it was a couple of toys, and their pjs…

She was like “uhm there are a lot more things than just that throughout your house girl!!! I mean I see ashes on the tables, and tons of soda cans everywhere!! All the soda your bf drinks!!”

I was like no way… She was like aha!! She told me she cleaned up the living room and dining room but that she was leaving the rest to him to do.

When I asked him about what was going on, he said the dog had gone and made a mess, and that he was tired and resting so he didn’t do anything yet but that before I got home the house was going to be clean…

I was like ??? SAY WHAT???

I am not going to lie, I have many lazy days, many, but I don’t let the dogs ruin my house nor make a mess…So I was a bit frustrated about that…

Yeah it didn’t happen before but lately I have noticed him not even wanting to pick up after himself…He even used his back injury to not continue his enrollment this month… when I reminded him that he could enroll and continue online, he was like “oh ok I’ll go next week!” I was like HUH?

It doesn’t bother me that he can’t support me and that I have helped him with his rent before as well, it bothers me that lately he’s been showing this lack of interest in helping himself…

Maybe he’s over stressed over his injury but I wished that he would at least try and talk to me about it, maybe I could help him and pay for a counselor to help him you know but in either case he’s in a relationship where there are children and the need for him to be “father figure” is a must, and he understood that before, and it’s a lot of pressure for me to take care of him and my children and the household without much help and I get the short end of the stick when my kids are asking me why I “baby him” so much…

I don’t want to leave him because he doesn’t have money, hello I am poor and always have been…BUT I would like to see the man that he was always trying and never giving up, and even if it’s for himself…At least I won’t feel so pressured into supporting him…

Like this week he hasn’t had a single side job and I will need to stay later on to work next week to catch up to my bills…I mean he apologized and told me his back is hurting but that as soon as he’s able to he will help me out again, but that kind of hurts my pocket in feeding him and my kids all at the same time you know? Since he’s not my husband it makes me feel as if maybe he’s too comfortable with the situation…

Maybe if he has space, space without kids tormenting him or needing his attention or affection, nor me to burden him, that maybe he will have the ability to actually breathe a bit better and help himself, and feel better and heal better faster…That is all I meant, instead of him having to feel pressured to helping me with my children, and being my support, shoulder to cry on etc…Maybe once he gets himself back to normal he won’t feel burdened with us so much that he’s over stressing…and things can get better. That’s all I meant…

Not that I wanted a man to support me…
Since he’s not my husband it’s really hard to really help him, just like I know it’s hard for him to help me…

I know this would be a different venting form if I were married to him, I would probably just asking for advise on how to get my husband to talk to me or take him to a counselor to help him with the stress I feel he has… You know?

 

[iluvmybabies]

Well, your ex has no business whatsoever bringing up the past to your children, attacking you and criticizing you, making comments about your bf whom you met after being divorced etc. But, sadly, that doesn’t mean he won’t try it, based on what he did and said previously. The problem is, he will hurt your children if he will behave like that. He will only cause turmoil in your children’s soul if he cannot control himself and thrust your kids into the middle of your conflicts. The smart thing would be for him to have a good time with the kids, do with them things that are entertaining and pleasant, and not to talk about the past.

When my father took us out, he never stopped harassing us, telling that my mother has boyfriends and what is she doing with them (in a graphic way), that my mother will have a traffic accident and then we kids will be alone and orphaned, etc. We were positively afraid to go out with my father. I was 7, my sister was 9. Finally my mother took legal action to protect us, and the authorities decided that in view of his behavior, especially the sexually oriented comments about my mother, he could not take my sister out, only me, but he had a right to visit us in my mother’s home. But I was also afraid of him and started crying and ran away when he tried to take me out. Then, he visited us a couple of times at home (bringing some neutral acquaintance to be present, to make sure civil discussion and behavior was upheld), and finally he grew tired and didn’t visit us anymore.

that’s what I am afraid of!!! I know my ex and I know he will not rest unless he turns my kids against me…He always did that…EVEN after we were separated and divorced he would grab my then 6 year old daughter and tell her things like “you know your mommy will have another daddy for you and I will never be your daddy any more! She doesn’t love us any more!” And she would cry to me asking me why I didn’t love them!! It was really frustrating it has taken all these years to finally normalize my daughter… I am terrified!!!

The gist of my story is, your kids need to be treated kindly, and you can take legal action to protect them if necessary. Making negative comments about the other parent and upsetting the fragile peace of your children’s soul is NO-NO and it should not be tolerated.

Sorry to hear you cannot count on other family members. Also my uncle (mother’s brother) and grandfather (mother’s father) were against us, in fact they were on my father’s side at the time of divorce. Living in a close to rural setting, most neighbors were also on my father’s side and that left us with no support except for my aunt who was like a second mother to us and shared her whole income with us. That’s how my mother could survive after being abandoned. She never dated anyone and never intended to remarry afterwards, but my aunt (who was never married) was really a great help to us. It’s tough to be alone and carry alone all the responsibilities. If your bf loves your kids and cares about them, that’s a good sign. I could list you off the top of my head at least four cases among my acquaintances and friends, who married divorced or widowed women with kids, and loved those kids as their own. You know, St. Joseph was also not the biological father of Jesus, and still Jesus, Mary and Joseph are the Holy Family and protectors of all families.

I have been able to count on my family but it’s just really complicated…It’s kind of like no matter what I will always owe them you know? I am grateful for everything they have done for me but it’s still hard to ask them for help especially when I have always been labelled as the screw up of the family…

Not only that but at first my mother wanted me to leave my ex then when I finally was sick of him and coulnd’t take his mental and manipulative abuse, everyone turned on me…and I mean everyone…I was destroying my kids etc and I didn’t understand them… AND it’s been a difficult relationship to have because both of our families were super against us… Now his family is coming around and so is mine…

But even though the fear of my ex hurting my kids is just not leaving me in peace…

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi whatevergirl, no it isn’t because he can’t support me or my kids, first of all I have never asked any man to ever support me…With my exhusband he and I made that deal that I would stay at home if any children were to come, but he broke the deal…I worked before I met my ex, I have been working since I was 11 years old, work isn’t a big deal for me to do…

On the contrary I enjoy my job very much, been here going on 3 years since I moved to Illinois and I wouldn’t change it for a thing… It’s just the pressure of him showing me that he really doesn’t want to do anything, at least he’s been showing this lately…

Example: 2 weeks ago, my db is suppose to be helping our mutual friends with their computer…He’s had this computer for 1 month all ready and hasn’t even opened it up. They got tired of waiting for him so they decide to go pick it up…When they show up she calls me right away and asks me if I let him smoke in the house…I answered no, she then asks if I knew that the house was upside down…I told her that the kids had left a small mess around the living room and the dining table but that it was a couple of toys, and their pjs…

She was like “uhm there are a lot more things than just that throughout your house girl!!! I mean I see ashes on the tables, and tons of soda cans everywhere!! All the soda your bf drinks!!”

I was like no way… She was like aha!! She told me she cleaned up the living room and dining room but that she was leaving the rest to him to do.

When I asked him about what was going on, he said the dog had gone and made a mess, and that he was tired and resting so he didn’t do anything yet but that before I got home the house was going to be clean…

I was like ??? SAY WHAT???

I am not going to lie, I have many lazy days, many, but I don’t let the dogs ruin my house nor make a mess…So I was a bit frustrated about that…

Yeah it didn’t happen before but lately I have noticed him not even wanting to pick up after himself…He even used his back injury to not continue his enrollment this month… when I reminded him that he could enroll and continue online, he was like “oh ok I’ll go next week!” I was like HUH?

It doesn’t bother me that he can’t support me and that I have helped him with his rent before as well, it bothers me that lately he’s been showing this lack of interest in helping himself…

Maybe he’s over stressed over his injury but I wished that he would at least try and talk to me about it, maybe I could help him and pay for a counselor to help him you know but in either case he’s in a relationship where there are children and the need for him to be “father figure” is a must, and he understood that before, and it’s a lot of pressure for me to take care of him and my children and the household without much help and I get the short end of the stick when my kids are asking me why I “baby him” so much…

I don’t want to leave him because he doesn’t have money, hello I am poor and always have been…BUT I would like to see the man that he was always trying and never giving up, and even if it’s for himself…At least I won’t feel so pressured into supporting him…

Like this week he hasn’t had a single side job and I will need to stay later on to work next week to catch up to my bills…I mean he apologized and told me his back is hurting but that as soon as he’s able to he will help me out again, but that kind of hurts my pocket in feeding him and my kids all at the same time you know? Since he’s not my husband it makes me feel as if maybe he’s too comfortable with the situation…

Maybe if he has space, space without kids tormenting him or needing his attention or affection, nor me to burden him, that maybe he will have the ability to actually breathe a bit better and help himself, and feel better and heal better faster…That is all I meant, instead of him having to feel pressured to helping me with my children, and being my support, shoulder to cry on etc…Maybe once he gets himself back to normal he won’t feel burdened with us so much that he’s over stressing…and things can get better. That’s all I meant…

Not that I wanted a man to support me…
Since he’s not my husband it’s really hard to really help him, just like I know it’s hard for him to help me…

I know this would be a different venting form if I were married to him, I would probably just asking for advise on how to get my husband to talk to me or take him to a counselor to help him with the stress I feel he has… You know?

hello again! I apologize if I was rude or harsh:blush: …I reread what I posted and I was like…oh man, that was weird, sharon. lol I meant it more along the lines of this…you really love this guy, and he loves you…and he is a good person. And yes, money matters. I’m not going to say it doesn’t, but just looked like maybe the emphasis was going towards that. You have a lot on your plate, I marvel at how well you balance it all…and your ex is …ugh. What can I say! I pray that he will wake up to the fact that he needs to stop picking on you, and step up and be a good dad for his kids…with God all things are possible, right? I hope things work out for you and your bf…my hope is that you both marry, anyways. lol

 

[iluvmybabies]

hello again! I apologize if I was rude or harsh:blush: …I reread what I posted and I was like…oh man, that was weird, sharon. lol I meant it more along the lines of this…you really love this guy, and he loves you…and he is a good person. And yes, money matters. I’m not going to say it doesn’t, but just looked like maybe the emphasis was going towards that. You have a lot on your plate, I marvel at how well you balance it all…and your ex is …ugh. What can I say! I pray that he will wake up to the fact that he needs to stop picking on you, and step up and be a good dad for his kids…with God all things are possible, right? I hope things work out for you and your bf…my hope is that you both marry, anyways. lol

No you didn’t seem harsh or anything I guess I was and am stressing so much about the financial situations and the stress I have over my ex that I might just be taking it out too much on my db, because he’s great…I just needed to vent mostly I guess… I am still with him and he claims he’s super happy so that has to mean something right!! Thanks… I have to take my son right now to ADD counseling so won’t be on till next week! thanks for your advise and support hope you have a great weekend! GOD BLESS!

 

[whatevergirl]

No you didn’t seem harsh or anything I guess I was and am stressing so much about the financial situations and the stress I have over my ex that I might just be taking it out too much on my db, because he’s great…I just needed to vent mostly I guess… I am still with him and he claims he’s super happy so that has to mean something right!! Thanks… I have to take my son right now to ADD counseling so won’t be on till next week! thanks for your advise and support hope you have a great weekend! GOD BLESS!

You too…God bless!

 

[1ke]

Here are my observations:

(1) In your first marriage you had issues with communicating effectively, blame and excuse-making, finances, and bad behavior.

(2) In your new relationship you are having issues with communicating effectively, blame and excuse-making, finances, and bad behavior.

(3) Dogs do not smoke and drink soda.

(4) Your boyfriend is starting to exhibit behaviors that are remarkably similar to your ex-husband including blame-shifting, not working or being under-employed, lazy behavior, arguing/yelling instead of discussing.

Honestly, I think you need to work on YOU before you become an US with anyone.

Take classes or read books on communicating. Get yourself together regarding your finances. Create a vision for the family and home life you want to have.

And, then make that happen. You say you love him, but your relationship is completely dysfunctional, and love is not something you can live on.

I’ve lived 42 years and never argued with my spouse or a boyfriend aobut money. I’ve never had anyone pay my bills for me, hang out at my house all day and go home to his parents at night (after the age of 18 anyway), be unable to maintain a job, be unable to communicate effectively.

We get what we tolerate. Don’t tolerate bad behaviors in others and work to eliminate them in your own self.

If you feel you cannot calmly discuss things, create a budget, share, and problem-solve without arguing, blaming, and bad behavior-- I’m here to tell you there is a whole other world out there waiting for you to discover it.

 

[cthulhubryan]

Luv,

I have to agree with 1ke on this. The wife and I are having bad times, so bad that we are filing for bankruptcy but we do not fight about money. You need to spend time with you and your babies to come to grips with who you are. You are woman, let’s hear you roar!

Until you can be a solid person on your own you cannot be a solid part of a relationship and the same goes for your boyfriend. As much as I hope for the best, his behavior strikes me as very self-centered and perhaps lazy. This may not be the case, I pray that it is not, but you both need to be solidly yourselves. This is not some 18 year old marriage where all the pie is in the sky. The moment any man says “I do” to you he becomes responsible for 4 more souls that have to come before him.

Many things in this world make it absolutely awesome to be a man. We almost always get treated better by service people than do women. We get to be the head of the house and we have every right to have our wives completely SUBMIT to us.
However, all that neat stuff comes with a very heavy price. Each man is responsible to God for the woman God gave him as a wife and all children that are in his family regardless of blood relationships. We screw that up and nothing else matters. Fair or not, we are compared to St. Joseph.

If your boyfriend is not ready to be your St. Joseph or at least as close as normal people can be then he needs to mature some first. The best thing any father can do for his kids (whether they are blood or not) is to love, care for, and treat well their mother.

My :twocents:

Bryan
Adoptive father to 3
Foster father to 21 and counting.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Here are my observations:

(1) In your first marriage you had issues with communicating effectively, blame and excuse-making, finances, and bad behavior.

(2) In your new relationship you are having issues with communicating effectively, blame and excuse-making, finances, and bad behavior.

(3) Dogs do not smoke and drink soda.

(4) Your boyfriend is starting to exhibit behaviors that are remarkably similar to your ex-husband including blame-shifting, not working or being under-employed, lazy behavior, arguing/yelling instead of discussing.

Honestly, I think you need to work on YOU before you become an US with anyone.

Take classes or read books on communicating. Get yourself together regarding your finances. Create a vision for the family and home life you want to have.

And, then make that happen. You say you love him, but your relationship is completely dysfunctional, and love is not something you can live on.

I’ve lived 42 years and never argued with my spouse or a boyfriend aobut money. I’ve never had anyone pay my bills for me, hang out at my house all day and go home to his parents at night (after the age of 18 anyway), be unable to maintain a job, be unable to communicate effectively.

We get what we tolerate. Don’t tolerate bad behaviors in others and work to eliminate them in your own self.

If you feel you cannot calmly discuss things, create a budget, share, and problem-solve without arguing, blaming, and bad behavior-- I’m here to tell you there is a whole other world out there waiting for you to discover it.

Thanks for the advise…I guess because of what had been going on with my ex this little thing became more than what it should have been and like always I take it out of proportion…

Yes the similarities seem to be coming out, and yeah it made me think and stress me out a bit but it wasn’t happening before this is just recently that I started noticing this, which of course makes you think you know? Like what in the world is going on??? I felt like I was stuck in the twilight zone, can you say KARMA? As if I am meant to be reminded of my ex over and over and over and over again and that’s a really scary thought???

We spoke about things this weekend, and I did apologize, for me not being able to hold my temper and calmly talk about things…It just runs in my family…I don’t know if you know but this is how I was raised, everything is always a scream, and shouting, never did my parents ever sit down and just calmly talk about things, we were outside and could hear them all the time…AND money has always been a problem…My father finally started supporting my mother for about 20 full years…they have been married for 35+years… LOL…SO that’s pretty interesting… So it’s hard for me to get out of the same circle as my family-always struggling for money…and arguing about money issues…BUT believe me I have tried and still am trying…I know I can be better than that and I have been handling things really well, and like I said he really isn’t a lazy guy not sure where this man came from??? lol…Just that maybe I seriously let my mind wonder on so many levels based on my anger issues towards my ex…especially after what my ex sent me that day!!

I mean alone without my boyfriend’s help at all nor child support, I struggle, and I struggle, but thank GOD we make it, I just wished I had a little more to offer and I feel that since I didn’t make my children myself that my exhusband should take responsibility for his actions and his children and actuallyl help raise them even if it’s only monetary…BUT that’s coming down right short now-a-days and I am struggling…And thanks to my exs wonderful and sweet tender loving words, I can say that he boiled me up and I took it out on the wrong person…

Again I did apologize and realize my mistake… I don’t do that often, and like I said the problems my bf and I have always had before were because our families were against this, now the storm has calmed down at least with that and both families are like accepting of our love…It’s just now me learning to not get upset over what my sweet and loving exhusband has to say to me and to my children…

Thanks again for your help…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Luv,

I have to agree with 1ke on this. The wife and I are having bad times, so bad that we are filing for bankruptcy but we do not fight about money. You need to spend time with you and your babies to come to grips with who you are. You are woman, let’s hear you roar!

Until you can be a solid person on your own you cannot be a solid part of a relationship and the same goes for your boyfriend. As much as I hope for the best, his behavior strikes me as very self-centered and perhaps lazy. This may not be the case, I pray that it is not, but you both need to be solidly yourselves. This is not some 18 year old marriage where all the pie is in the sky. The moment any man says “I do” to you he becomes responsible for 4 more souls that have to come before him.

Many things in this world make it absolutely awesome to be a man. We almost always get treated better by service people than do women. We get to be the head of the house and we have every right to have our wives completely SUBMIT to us.
However, all that neat stuff comes with a very heavy price. Each man is responsible to God for the woman God gave him as a wife and all children that are in his family regardless of blood relationships. We screw that up and nothing else matters. Fair or not, we are compared to St. Joseph.

If your boyfriend is not ready to be your St. Joseph or at least as close as normal people can be then he needs to mature some first. The best thing any father can do for his kids (whether they are blood or not) is to love, care for, and treat well their mother.

My :twocents:

Bryan
Adoptive father to 3
Foster father to 21 and counting.

Thank you Bryan, and I understand you… Seriously though he really isn’t lazy, just lately he’s been doing this like within the past 2 months…It’s crazy because I am working and I studied and kids and everything you know and am like running from here to there and trying to do everything before my bf came along it was the house work and stuff and he was showing me he could handle everything as well! Which impressed me big time, and it made me respect him and love him even more to see a man actually handle work, and gf and gf’s kids etc…IT WAS GREAT! Then he got injured and lost his job and decided to go back to school, and things started like falling downhill…I am not saying because of the money but recently what he’s been doing and acting as it’s put me in a bit of a spin…AND adding my ex’s wonderful letters didn’t help me handle things well…Which that wasn’t my bfs fault… I felt horrible after words and did apologize…Like I said we did talk about things and he promised he was going to keep to his schedule and his own responsibilities…Hopefully soon he finishes school and gets a good internship or something mean while! I am hopeful!