Finding a suitable spouse

[Agripa]

When I was leaving graduate school to start a career, I very much wanted to find a Catholic spouse. I was never very religious but began dating a very decent, very devout Catholic woman and I very much wanted to marry her as I felt she was very intelligent, beautiful, she clearly loved children and I felt she could help me spiritually become a better person.

As we grew closer over several months time, and I made my intentions known, she went to a priest at some point and after that, she broke off our relationship. I was deeply hurt and carry not a little anger towards the woman and her priest for encouraging the breakup. This priest did not know me and I never had any type of discussion with him.

My question is this. Would a priest encourage a devout, pious woman to only marry a similar type person? And if in advising a woman to break off a relationship and in reliance on that advice, she ends the relationship and brings pain to another, does the priest carry responsibility to the person harmed?

 

[nicolep]

Do you know the exact content of the conversation between your girlfriend and the priest? Without having been there, we cannot judge the priest’s behavior. We don’t really even know that the priest encouraged the breakup unless that what her specific reason. Even if that was her specific reason, she might not have been honest.

It is very difficult, but it would probably be best to push those feelings for the priest and girl aside. You will find the right vocation for your life whether it be married or single.

God bless you!

 

[Agripa]

After these many years, I have found the single life most suitable and which brings the most peace for me. I loved once and feel you love forever, even if its not returned. Its hard, but there is a comfort knowing you had that feeling for one and only one person.

 

[BamaRider]

Dang. If he is any kind of priest, his priority is the spiritual welfare of the person. It is the priet’s job to bring the soul home to heaven. In other words he must sometimes get down in the trenches.

Now I dunno what he told the young lady, or what she told him about y’alls relationship. This might’ve been her way of easing out. But I tend to agree she owes ya some kind of explanation, but if she won’t give it, so be it and move on.

 

[kage_ar]

Dang. If he is any kind of priest, his priority is the spiritual welfare of the person. It is the priet’s job to bring the soul home to heaven. In other words he must sometimes get down in the trenches.

Now I dunno what he told the young lady, or what she told him about y’alls relationship. This might’ve been her way of easing out. But I tend to agree she owes ya some kind of explanation, but if she won’t give it, so be it and move on.

Bama,

Everytime you give such sage advice, it seems you should end with “… grasshoppah.”

 

[FanChan]

Let me give you some insight from the other side. I consider myself a very devout, pious Catholic young woman (don’t take my word for it, everyone tells me that ) and after dating a small handful of people, I came to the realization that I could never marry someone who was not Catholic. What’s more, I think I could only ever marry a practicing, faithful Catholic. This is precisely because of how much my faith means to me, and how seriously I take it, and how much of my life I build off of my faith. To marry someone that I didn’t share this foundation with would be a very, very difficult thing. If that spouse was unmovable on their own view of religion or spirituality or God, then it would be a source of great debate and stress throughout the marriage.

Unless you know otherwise, it could be that the priest helped that young lady to come to this same realization. And it could be that she didn’t tell you because it’s a little embarrassing, and sounds a little bit selfish or childish on the surface.

But that’s just a guess.

 

[PapaSquash]

When I was leaving graduate school to start a career, I very much wanted to find a Catholic spouse. I was never very religious but began dating a very decent, very devout Catholic woman and I very much wanted to marry her as I felt she was very intelligent, beautiful, she clearly loved children and **I felt she could help me **spiritually become a better person.

As we grew closer over several months time, and I made my intentions known, she went to a priest at some point and after that, she broke off our relationship. I was deeply hurt and carry not a little anger towards the woman and her priest for encouraging the breakup. This priest did not know me and I never had any type of discussion with him.

My question is this. Would a priest encourage a devout, pious woman to only marry a similar type person? And if in advising a woman to break off a relationship and in reliance on that advice, she ends the relationship and brings pain to another, does the priest carry responsibility to the person harmed?

I’m going to try and say this diplomatically. If I offend, please accept my apology in advance. You asked after all.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional; offer it up and move on. The priest is not responsible for your pain. He is responsible for giving pastoral guidance to the woman in question. It apparently didn’t go the way you want, but how do you know it didn’t go for the best? Perhaps she felt called to a religious vocation?

The part that I made bold jumps off the screen at me. To love is to want the best for her. That you became angy at her reminds me that if you don’t take no for an answer, you’re not really asking. You presented her with a choice, she made one. Not to be chosen hurts, I’ve been there, but please hold no resentment, it only festers.

 

[dakotagirl]

When I was leaving graduate school to start a career, I very much wanted to find a Catholic spouse. I was never very religious but began dating a very decent, very devout Catholic woman and I very much wanted to marry her as I felt she was very intelligent, beautiful, she clearly loved children and I felt she could help me spiritually become a better person.

As we grew closer over several months time, and I made my intentions known, she went to a priest at some point and after that, she broke off our relationship. I was deeply hurt and carry not a little anger towards the woman and her priest for encouraging the breakup. This priest did not know me and I never had any type of discussion with him.

My question is this. Would a priest encourage a devout, pious woman to only marry a similar type person? And if in advising a woman to break off a relationship and in reliance on that advice, she ends the relationship and brings pain to another, does the priest carry responsibility to the person harmed?

Tsk. Poor baby. This is so very hard. And you mean to say you’ve been in this spot for years? Really the best thing for me in a similar situation is to pray for the person, offer up the pain, and meet new people. I know this sounds weird, but just socializing with people of the opposite sex, and not necessarily in a romantic way, has helped me to forget.

 

[Trishie]

I know that it’s extemely painful to lose someone one loves and admires. I can see that it remains a source of pain and regret for you, which makes me feel sadness for you.

The decision was hers to make and though you assign blame to the priest in your hurt and confusion…it was in fact her decision. If she went to the priest about the relationship at all then it is likely that she already had doubts about the relationship.
It’s also the case that we need to seek God and not rely on others to make us religious. If you never actually made any move to become sincerely religious she may already have had doubts.

If I ever married again I would only wish to marry a man who truly cared about God and our Catholic faith. It’s too painful and lonely to be in a marriage where you cannot share your faith or your relationship with God. Either to be with an unbeliever or someone who is very half-hearted is something not all people can face, and some who do, end up regretting it. As I said, it had to be her decision, not the priest’s. Perhaps you might have changed, but if you showed no change she may have given up hope. If things don’t happen in the courtship they are sometimes even less likely to happen after marriage. This may have been some of her reasoning. I don’t know of course. I can only conjecture on what seems likely.

I do hope that somehow you do find happiness.

 

[Eucharisted]

Perhaps God is leading you to something better, however impossible that might sound. Perhaps He knows someone who is even better for you and is trying to teach you that suffering and love go hand in hand. Perhaps He is even trying to teach you to cling to Him even more. Whatever the case may be, give thanks in every circumstance - even this painful one you are in - and be patient. Trust in God, because if He can trust in you, than you can certainly trust in Him.

 

[Agripa]

Let me give you some insight from the other side. I consider myself a very devout, pious Catholic young woman (don’t take my word for it, everyone tells me that ) and after dating a small handful of people, I came to the realization that I could never marry someone who was not Catholic. What’s more, I think I could only ever marry a practicing, faithful Catholic. This is precisely because of how much my faith means to me, and how seriously I take it, and how much of my life I build off of my faith. To marry someone that I didn’t share this foundation with would be a very, very difficult thing. If that spouse was unmovable on their own view of religion or spirituality or God, then it would be a source of great debate and stress throughout the marriage.

Unless you know otherwise, it could be that the priest helped that young lady to come to this same realization. And it could be that she didn’t tell you because it’s a little embarrassing, and sounds a little bit selfish or childish on the surface.

But that’s just a guess.

 

[Agripa]

Let me give you some insight from the other side. I consider myself a very devout, pious Catholic young woman (don’t take my word for it, everyone tells me that ) and after dating a small handful of people, I came to the realization that I could never marry someone who was not Catholic. What’s more, I think I could only ever marry a practicing, faithful Catholic. This is precisely because of how much my faith means to me, and how seriously I take it, and how much of my life I build off of my faith. To marry someone that I didn’t share this foundation with would be a very, very difficult thing. If that spouse was unmovable on their own view of religion or spirituality or God, then it would be a source of great debate and stress throughout the marriage.

Unless you know otherwise, it could be that the priest helped that young lady to come to this same realization. And it could be that she didn’t tell you because it’s a little embarrassing, and sounds a little bit selfish or childish on the surface.

But that’s just a guess.

I don’t doubt at all that from her or her priest’s perspective, they were merely acting towards the goal of assuring she would eventually only marry a spouse suitable to her very pious and Catholic upbringing. What seems jarring at times is that message of forgiveness, salvation and openness the Church and many other Christian sects want to talk about, but in many cases, they are only open to those who are just like them.

If I grew up in a non religious family or left and then returned to the Catholic faith, will there be others in the faith that will try to encourage someone not to marry me because I do not have a certain Catholic pedigree? I readily admit, I take matters of Catholic teaching with a very crtitcal eye, but I am no less worthy of a pious, religious spouse than the next fellow.

Come to think of it, when I attend Mass, there seem to be far more women than men in the pews or involved with Church activites, so it seems to me in many situations, the woman will tend to be the more spiritual and obedient to the faith then the men, although there are certainly exceptions.

So in essence then, only strong, upright, pious Catholic men should marry strong, upright, pious Catholic women? Are they forming a “Divine Elect” in the pews looking for the priest’s smile from the alter? What about all the rest of us sinners?

 

[FanChan]

I don’t doubt at all that from her or her priest’s perspective, they were merely acting towards the goal of assuring she would eventually only marry a spouse suitable to her very pious and Catholic upbringing. What seems jarring at times is that message of forgiveness, salvation and openness the Church and many other Christian sects want to talk about, but in many cases, they are only open to those who are just like them.

If I grew up in a non religious family or left and then returned to the Catholic faith, will there be others in the faith that will try to encourage someone not to marry me because I do not have a certain Catholic pedigree? I readily admit, I take matters of Catholic teaching with a very crtitcal eye, but I am no less worthy of a pious, religious spouse than the next fellow.

Come to think of it, when I attend Mass, there seem to be far more women than men in the pews or involved with Church activites, so it seems to me in many situations, the woman will tend to be the more spiritual and obedient to the faith then the men, although there are certainly exceptions.

So in essence then, only strong, upright, pious Catholic men should marry strong, upright, pious Catholic women? Are they forming a “Divine Elect” in the pews looking for the priest’s smile from the alter? What about all the rest of us sinners?

What I said is by no means how all pious Catholic women feel. On the contrary, one of my good friends, an older daughter in a very prominent Catholic family and a very genuine, pious woman herself is dating and intends to marry a young man who isn’t Catholic, and whose parents aren’t entirely comfortable with the Catholic faith.
And it’s a bit condescending to say something like ‘what about the rest of us sinners’, as though the women you’re talking about are somehow set apart. I certainly don’t feel that way. I struggle with things as much as the next person, and it’s precisely because of that struggle that I cling so tightly to the Church. I don’t expect my future husband to be sinless, but I personally cannot build a relationship with someone who does not at least believe and respect the Catholic faith.

 

[Agripa]

What I said is by no means how all pious Catholic women feel. On the contrary, one of my good friends, an older daughter in a very prominent Catholic family and a very genuine, pious woman herself is dating and intends to marry a young man who isn’t Catholic, and whose parents aren’t entirely comfortable with the Catholic faith.
And it’s a bit condescending to say something like ‘what about the rest of us sinners’, as though the women you’re talking about are somehow set apart. I certainly don’t feel that way. I struggle with things as much as the next person, and it’s precisely because of that struggle that I cling so tightly to the Church. I don’t expect my future husband to be sinless, but I personally cannot build a relationship with someone who does not at least believe and respect the Catholic faith.

Good luck!!

 

[Agripa]

Tsk. Poor baby. This is so very hard. And you mean to say you’ve been in this spot for years? Really the best thing for me in a similar situation is to pray for the person, offer up the pain, and meet new people. I know this sounds weird, but just socializing with people of the opposite sex, and not necessarily in a romantic way, has helped me to forget.

I came for insights within a relevant posting site, not insults.

 

[FanChan]

Good luck!!

Thanks

 

[dakotagirl]

I came for insights within a relevant posting site, not insults.

No, I was quite serious…I feel bad for you dude.
So kind of you to make that assumption.

 

[chevalier]

If I grew up in a non religious family or left and then returned to the Catholic faith, will there be others in the faith that will try to encourage someone not to marry me because I do not have a certain Catholic pedigree?

Pedigree is not important. What is important is what you believe. And then you say:

I readily admit, I take matters of Catholic teaching with a very crtitcal eye,

That’s as much as there is for pedigree.

but I am no less worthy of a pious, religious spouse than the next fellow.

That’s not a case of “worthy”. The matter is not whether you’re worthy of her but whether the marriage would be a successful one.

So in essence then, only strong, upright, pious Catholic men should marry strong, upright, pious Catholic women? Are they forming a “Divine Elect” in the pews looking for the priest’s smile from the alter? What about all the rest of us sinners?

Everybody is a sinner. The Pope goes to confession too. The fact that you are a sinner is not a problem. The fact that you are likely to find yourself at variance with Church teachings may be. Catholics have an obligation to raise children in a Catholic way not only when they marry non-Catholics. What about contraception? Would you be willing to give it up or would you try to convince her to start using it?

 

[Agripa]

Pedigree is not important. What is important is what you believe. And then you say:

That’s as much as there is for pedigree.

That’s not a case of “worthy”. The matter is not whether you’re worthy of her but whether the marriage would be a successful one.

Everybody is a sinner. The Pope goes to confession too. The fact that you are a sinner is not a problem. The fact that you are likely to find yourself at variance with Church teachings may be. Catholics have an obligation to raise children in a Catholic way not only when they marry non-Catholics. What about contraception? Would you be willing to give it up or would you try to convince her to start using it?

I believe in One God. Period. I also believe human beings have free will and a rational mind that allows for questions, commentary, fact finding and opinion on any matter posed by man.

I dont know your age, but if you are old enough, you may recall the Waltons, a weekly TV series very popular in the 1970’s. It depicted a large, close knit family living somewhere in the Virginias during the Depression. Two central characters were John Walton, the father and his wife, Olivia. A sub theme in that relationship was her Godly piousness versus his more critical eye towards churchly matters. But no matter where that tension would arise, John and “Liv” always were dedicated to the family and the family drew its streangth from each other and all the love in it. Ultimately, the family was the focus.

Now that, granted is a TV show, not reality, but considering the series was based on an autobiography, I suspect there was some truth in that observation by the writer. So my question is, can not two people of varying levels of obediance to the Church still find common bond in caring for family, for each other and still allow each enough individuality to express their faith as their conscience dictates? I think with compromise and tolerance, that is achievable if survival and growth of the family is paramount.

Practicality and rationality would ironically dictate I send my children to the best schools and Catholic schools fit that bill. I think a Catholic education is great and my children will certainly go to them, though I would be open to better schools if they are available but not at the exclusion of a Catholic school. And to anticipate a further argument, yes, even if the Catholic schools teach my child something I may not agree with, I will support that teaching until my child is fully emmancipated and can think and reason on her own.

As far as contraception, which is really a personal matter, I would respect the religious dictates of my spouse in that regard at all times. This is critical for my position of what is a matter of deep love between a couple - I may or may not agree with the Churche’s position, but if I truly love and support my spouse, I must respect her moral conviction in this regard - so for me to be open at all times for procreative generation is not necessarily at odds with my particular belief, though I can still respect and support her belief in this regard.

 

[basilisk]

Agripa, you really sound bitter. That is not healthy. I hope you can heal and move on from that. But in order to do that, you need to look at and own YOUR part in all this and stop blaming everyone and everything else.

You say you are no less worthy of a pious, religious spouse than the next fellow. Well, unfortunately, yes you are, if you are not going to be a pious, religious spouse yourself. You seem to demand something of your wife that you are not willing to give or do yourself. That is unfair and unequal. When you are a pious, religious fellow, then a pious, religious woman will desire to marry you. Probably the priest helped your girlfriend see that as a very serious, devoted Catholic, she could not hope to have an equally yoked, happy, strong marriage with a lukewarm Catholic.

Become the spouse you want to have. Then you will find the spouse you want and deserve.

My DH is a serious Catholic devoted to the Church and his faith. I was a baptized but fallen away Catholic when we started dating. As we got serious and fell in love, and began talking marriage, I asked him how important it was to him to get married in the Church. He told me, pain and fear in his eyes, that if we did not get married in the Catholic Church, there would be no marriage. He was afraid of losing me, but more afraid of compromising his faith and being untrue to himself and God. In his case, it paid off. He was the impetus for me to return to the Church and become a much more serious, faithful, and practicing (Mass every Sunday and Holy Day) Catholic. I wanted him badly enough that he drew me back to God. He made being serious about faith a condition of our further involvement, and I admit that, at the time, I wanted him badly enough that that was my motivation. I have since reaped other rewards. I am so much more content and at peace now that I have reconciled with the Church. And my family is unified, faithful, and harmonious. I cannot describe for you adequately the benefits of being unified in this way, sharing our faith, and walking the path to God together.

By making the distinction between the pious/seriously faithful, and those who use their free will and rational mind, BTW, you are being very insulting. I have my issues with some of the Church’s teachings and with some of the actions taken by the Vatican… but since I believe the Catholic Church has the fullness of the truth about God and Jesus Christ, I choose to accept and live with the things that cause me difficulty, in order to stay close to that truth and keep it in my life. That is a rational choice, born of free will, based on benefit/loss calculations.

In short, again, become a serious, faithful Catholic, and you will both deserve and more easily find a serious, faithful Catholic spouse.

P.S. Just re-read your thread title, and realized how ironic it is. You want to find a “suitable” spouse for yourself. But you don’t seem to be worried about presenting a “suitable” spouse to your intended. She has a right to someone “suitable” for her, too.