Finding chastity difficult as a potential convert, currently in a relationship

[HCC]

Frequent confession
Frequent Mass/reception of communion
Daily Rosary

 

[LemonAndLime]

Regarding the boyfriend that has issues from some childhood past. Not sure what that is. I suppose it’s bad. And given the reference to Catholic Scandel. He must find it hard to function in a world that this same horrifying activity takes place everywhere else. It’s very traumatizing to say the least. But people really need to quit blaming the Catholic Church for the horror that exists within some. It’s not a church teaching. Just like it’s not a German thing to hate and kill jews, It’s not a gov’t plot to keep drug dealers in “the hood” so that some will never get passed the 3rd grade (like one of my college professors liked to teach:shrug

Yes he find it very difficult, the reference to the Catholic Scandel is relevant. He doesn’t blame the Catholic Church per se - just evil people in the world. He knows nothing of religion so as was mentioned it is like a child with brocolli refusing to eat it when they’ve never tried it. I am thinking of asking him to attend ONE mass with me, and I will say to him that that is all I expect him to do himself in relation to my faith. I want him to come to at least one with me to help him understand why I go and why I love the idea of being a Catholic. I think it might be an eye-opener to him and I really want him to go at least once so he can understand and support me better. He really means it when he says he respects me for my beliefs; when he mocks me I think it’s just his habit of trying to diffuse serious discussions into something more informal.

I went to my first mass today here is a copy&paste of my experience, many people on different threads have requested to know how it went.

I went to my first mass this morning and it was wonderful I really, really enjoyed it. As I was on my way in I met a Sister who sat with me and told me what to do and say etc which was really nice I had prayed to God this morning for guidence on my first mass because I did not know what to do once I was there and I think He answered my prayers. The mass and the Church was beautiful and I felt at peace and also at Home during the service. The Sister gave me a parting gift as well - a small picture, like a bookmark, with an image of Christ on the cross and the words “Christ has died / Christ is risen / Christ will come again”, she said it was so I would always remember my first mass and she also said I would be in her prayers I wasn’t able to take communion but I recieved a blessing instead. I also brought a rosary at the Church shop - I had ordered one online but I may give that one to my boyfriend instead as a gift. I met a few others but I was very nervous and I hope I didn’t come across as rude - I was just overwhelmed and didn’t know what to say really! A very good experience and I wish to go again. Will be saying my first rosary today too, excited about that also. Thank you all for your wishes of good luck.

 

[joandarc2008]

Sounds like you are headed in the right direction - the thing you have to remember when coming on a forum like this - is many of us have already been where you have been - so we want to grab you up and give you an instant conversion - immediately, now, yesterday and save you the pain. However, formation in faith is an ongoing process. And you don’t get diamonds from coal without a lot of heat and pressure and dirt. So in the meantime avoid major decisions so that you can head off to much pain as your views change. I have friends that are now married to atheists and wish they weren’t but they have children, etc.

That all being said here is a prayer you can use for discernment in the meantime:

Prayer to The Holy Spirit

Come, Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of Your faithful,and enkindle them with Your love.
Send forth Your Spirit and they shall be created. And You shall renew the face of the earth.
O God,You instructed,the hearts of those who believed in You by the light of the Holy Spirit.
Grant us in the same Spirit to be truly wise and ever rejoice in His consolation: through Christ our Lord. Amen.

 

[LemonAndLime]

My problem may have solved itself.

My boyfriend is considoring buddism, because he has admitted now that he wants a religion but buddhism fits in with his idea of creationism - that the universe is on a constant cycle of creation then destruction that never began and will never end. He mentioned to me that he might start being celibate before we get married, and suggesting to see whether we could do it or not.

Hope for us yet.

 

[joandarc2008]

My problem may have solved itself.

My boyfriend is considoring buddism, because he has admitted now that he wants a religion but buddhism fits in with his idea of creationism - that the universe is on a constant cycle of creation then destruction that never began and will never end. He mentioned to me that he might start being celibate before we get married, and suggesting to see whether we could do it or not.

Hope for us yet.

While chastity is a step in the right direction - you need to stop the action. Period. If he loves you then he will stay. If he values sex he will leave. If he values sex more than you he is not marriage material. I have more thoughts on the matter but now that you know premarital sex is wrong than you need to know that engaging in it would also be denying God. In this it is not just the sin of sex it is the open denial of God that becomes the issue.

 

[LemonAndLime]

How is it an open denial of God? Just wondering, never heard that said before.

Update: Spoke to my boyfriend about celibacy, he is still considoring it himself as part of his buddist beliefs but says he doesn’t feel grounded enough in his faith to start it… not sure what he means by that either. Anyway, I asked him what he would think about me deciding to become celibate. He said that he would not leave me if I did, and he would respect me for it. However he also said that he would not be happy - not because he would miss our sexual relationship, but because it would change our relationship which he said is scary for him. He suffers from depression, and he said at one point he would be worried that it was a sign of me not loving him, even though he later went on to say he “didn’t mean it like that”.

A bit about my boyfriend. L has self-esteem issues and has a long history of depression which, at the worst point, he managed by taking medication, attending counselling and heavy drinking. Since being in a relationship with me his mood has improved, been discharged by his counseller, no longer drinks heavily and no longer takes medication. I think hes scared that if our relationship “changes” by removing sex, he’s worried that the bond between us will break. He even said that he was worried that we would stop liking each other.

I don’t think L will leave me if I told him I wanted to be celibate. But I do think it will freak him out and worry him a lot, he has told his sister that he’s scared of loosing me because I help keep him going. Almost every day, L tells me he is so thankful that I’ve been here for him for the past year. He has helped me a lot too. I’m really not sure how to approach this.

Edit: Also, in the last couple of months we haven’t had sex much. I’d say it works out at around once a month, twice sometimes. Even when you include other sexual acts, you could probably count it on one hand on average. I don’t think it would be difficult for us. It’s just that as I said, change scares him.

Edit 2: By the way, by “drinks heavily” I don’t mean he drank alone etc when at home. He would go out drinking with mates whenever he could and drink past his limit.

 

[joandarc2008]

How is it an open denial of God? Just wondering, never heard that said before.

I am taking this directly from the Catholic Answers Volume 5 Apologetics booklet on Moral Decision Making - It is on page 10:

**
False Idea #2:
The “Fundamental Option” Theory**

The “fundamental option” theory claims tha once we choose to follow God, the we cannot break our relationship with God except by a direct, explicit rejection of Him. It saist that if we commit adultery or practice contraception ut do not explicitly reject God, then we do not commit a mortal sin.

As you might expect, this theory of morality s very popular today; and is even promoted by many Catholic theologians. Pope John Paul II strongly condemns this error in his 1993 encyclical, The Splendor of Truth. He points out that we willfully and knowingly engage in a seriousl sinful act, then we have deliberately disobeyed(and indirectly rejected) God, ad have lost sanctifying grace.

The belief that we can knowingly, willfully commit acts like adultery and fornication without losing sanctifying grace goes against the plain words of Sacred Scripture and two thousand years of Catholic tradition. To think that we could knowingly, and willfully disobey God in a serious way and still keep our union with Him is an absurd contradiction. That so many Catholics have accepted this theory emphasizes the serious moral confusion of our day.

I hope the folks at Catholic Answers do not mind me excerpting that with reference but it was perfect.

I also wanted to touch on one other difference.

It is minor but just to avoid confusion. You are not talking about being celibate with your bf. Your are talking about being chaste. Chastity is avoiding sexual acts that are immoral and not part of God’s design - this can be as simple as how we dress and speak.It means avoiding premarital sex and not dating after divorce without anullment. Celibacy is a vow or promise (depending on religious life, priesthood for a diocese, etc.) that is lifelong. Once you have decided to be celibate there would be no point in dating as you would not be able to marry. Just wanted to help you with some of the language in case you saw an older priest get really confused. LOL

 

[LemonAndLime]

Ah okay thanks for the correction! I forgot that chastity and celibacy can’t be interchanged. You often hear “celibate before marriage” which got me confused.

 

[TimothyH]

L/L… Chastity is very difficult. Sexual sin is very difficult to get rid of, expecially if the behavior is entrenched. Being a follower of Christ in general is difficult. We will have to bear our cross and it seems you are discovering yours - bear it bravely and you will be purified, become a wonderful person, a jewel which some great man will long to possess.

I can tell you that going to a priest and telling him of your struggle and asking him to help you make a good confession is a great step in the right direction.

Frequent confession will give you amazing graces and strength to get through temptation that you never thought you would be able to stand. Let’s just say that I know from example and leave it at that

I would suggest reading “Introduction to the Devout Life” by St. Francis de Salles as well.

It is my belief that if you give a man sex before marriage, he is likely not to respect you once you are married. Once you are married, he will just complain that he doesn’t get enough sex.

He’s said he doesn’t want his children being brought up within a religion because he believes that they should have the choice.

Tell your boyfriend (just before you dump him for laughing at you) that there are many things which, if left up to the choice of a child, would be bad for them. We make those choices for them for their own good and, when the time comes and they are mature enough, we let them make those choices for themselves.

We don’t deny our child baptism for the same reason that we don’t deny them regular checkups at the dentist. Both are for their own good and they are free to reject either when they grow up. We choose that they should reject satan and be baptized. When they are old enough, they get to confirm their baptism and are free to say not be confirmed if they want.

I will pray.

-Tim-

 

[joandarc2008]

Tell your boyfriend (just before you dump him for laughing at you) that there are many things which, if left up to the choice of a child, would be bad for them. We make those choices for them for their own good and, when the time comes and they are mature enough, we let them make those choices for themselves.

We don’t deny our child baptism for the same reason that we don’t deny them regular checkups at the dentist. Both are for their own good and they are free to reject either when they grow up. We choose that they should reject satan and be baptized. When they are old enough, they get to confirm their baptism and are free to say not be confirmed if they want.

 

[LemonAndLime]

L/L… Chastity is very difficult. Sexual sin is very difficult to get rid of, expecially if the behavior is entrenched. Being a follower of Christ in general is difficult. We will have to bear our cross and it seems you are discovering yours - bear it bravely and you will be purified, become a wonderful person, a jewel which some great man will long to possess.

I can tell you that going to a priest and telling him of your struggle and asking him to help you make a good confession is a great step in the right direction.

Frequent confession will give you amazing graces and strength to get through temptation that you never thought you would be able to stand. Let’s just say that I know from example and leave it at that

I would suggest reading “Introduction to the Devout Life” by St. Francis de Salles as well.

It is my belief that if you give a man sex before marriage, he is likely not to respect you once you are married. Once you are married, he will just complain that he doesn’t get enough sex.

Tell your boyfriend (just before you dump him for laughing at you) that there are many things which, if left up to the choice of a child, would be bad for them. We make those choices for them for their own good and, when the time comes and they are mature enough, we let them make those choices for themselves.

We don’t deny our child baptism for the same reason that we don’t deny them regular checkups at the dentist. Both are for their own good and they are free to reject either when they grow up. We choose that they should reject satan and be baptized. When they are old enough, they get to confirm their baptism and are free to say not be confirmed if they want.

I will pray.

-Tim-

Good argument for baptism! I’ll put that to him next time I see him. I am also planning to speak to my Priest when I am able to about support on living a good Catholic life of chastity before marriage, and considor going to my first confession… but I have to be baptised first before doing that, don’t I?

 

[silentstar]

I’m concerned that you are used to living with a mentally ill mother and now you are involved with someone who is crediting you for improvement in his mental health. The problem with this is that if he has trouble again, he may see you as responsible for his treatment, or to keep him going, and you can’t do that. Only he can.

People with mental/emotional issues are diverse and he may be nothing like your mother but I think it might be good to make sure you’re not getting into a caretaking role too early, and that he feels physically and emotionally well enough for a long-term commitment like engagement or marriage. Religious issues and conversion may cause additional struggles. There are a lot of differences between Buddhism and Catholicism.

One Buddhist principle as I understand it is that sex should not be harmful to one’s self or anyone else. So if you are saying you want to stop a sexual relationship, and he has trouble with that, he is potentially putting you in a dilemma. From his point of view, your attitude is changing. He may not be harming you but may be causing a conflict between his needs and your faith.

 

[joandarc2008]

Good argument for baptism! I’ll put that to him next time I see him. I am also planning to speak to my Priest when I am able to about support on living a good Catholic life of chastity before marriage, and considor going to my first confession… but I have to be baptised first before doing that, don’t I?

You do need to be baptized to receive confession but you should speak to the priest regardless, you can be comforted by pastoral counseling, as well as prayer.

 

[LemonAndLime]

You do need to be baptized to receive confession but you should speak to the priest regardless, you can be comforted by pastoral counseling, as well as prayer.

This is true. I’ll see my Priest at RCIA on wednesday evening, I might try to approach him and ask him for advice. I do feel awkward speaking to him though, I’m only 5ft 4 and he’s 6ft 2! I can’t even see his face if I look straight at him!

 

[jdivinemercy]

I read a study that said with artifical BC that is supposed to “stop ovulation”, you still have breakthrough ovulation about 8% of the time. Contraceptive implants make the uterus an unfriendly place for a fertilized egg (a life as the Catholic church believes) to implant, therefore forcing your body to abort it. That is why some forms of ABC (not barrier methods) are considered abortifacient.

I was once a young unmarried Catholic who indulged in premarital sex with my now husband. The moment we handed our sexuality over to God by abstaining (a year before we got married), our relationship became functional, we became more holy and happy people, and God began to bless us in unimaginable ways. There was no more guilt and fear and we began to learn about the Church’s teachings on sexuality. We now use NFP in our marriage (four months into it!) and are trying to achieve pregnancy with joy and hope. Sex went from a bad thing to one of the best spiritual and emotional experiences of my life.

This is part of my testimony, and I know it helps. Abstaining after being in a sexual relationship is extremely difficult… but opening yourself to chastity and deciding to abstain, and God will bless you immensely.

 

[LemonAndLime]

Hi all, apologies for bumping this thread but I need advice again.

I’m now at the halfway point of RCIA and want to go to the doctors to have the implant removed. I have recently had aches and pains and unusual symptoms which bother me - which the doctor says is a side-effect of the implant. The thing is, I know that in doing so it will worry my boyfriend, and its a scarily big step for me also.

Is it a sin for me and him to share a bed? Because of where he lives, its often easier for him to sleep at mine overnight before a shift in the morning because it saves him 2 hours driving and he can drive me to my shift the next morning also.

Sexually, I’m still sinning. We have sex now only once a month at best. I’m not sure either of us would notice it if we both became chaste. He is now also showing signs of committing to buddhism - he wears mallah beads all the time (buddhist meditation beads) as part of his effort to stop smoking.

Can anyone suggest ways of explaining to him how important it is to be chaste before marriage? Like any videos, leaflets etc? Something I can send him informally without having to sit down and talk to him? I will do that, but I want him to encourage him to explore the issue on his own as well as while talking to me.

This is so hard.

 

[joandarc2008]

Hi all, apologies for bumping this thread but I need advice again.

I’m now at the halfway point of RCIA and want to go to the doctors to have the implant removed. I have recently had aches and pains and unusual symptoms which bother me - which the doctor says is a side-effect of the implant. The thing is, I know that in doing so it will worry my boyfriend, and its a scarily big step for me also.

Is it a sin for me and him to share a bed? Because of where he lives, its often easier for him to sleep at mine overnight before a shift in the morning because it saves him 2 hours driving and he can drive me to my shift the next morning also.

Sexually, I’m still sinning. We have sex now only once a month at best. I’m not sure either of us would notice it if we both became chaste. He is now also showing signs of committing to buddhism - he wears mallah beads all the time (buddhist meditation beads) as part of his effort to stop smoking.

Can anyone suggest ways of explaining to him how important it is to be chaste before marriage? Like any videos, leaflets etc? Something I can send him informally without having to sit down and talk to him? I will do that, but I want him to encourage him to explore the issue on his own as well as while talking to me.

This is so hard.

I know even part of Buddhist teaching is not harming the spirit of another - so if he is pushing you to do something that you feel is against your spiritual values than this should also be against his faith. It is at the very least respect for you. That should be all that needs to be said - if he needs more if you go to the top of this site there is a chastity tab you can click and get all kinds of information. Best of luck to you. Glad to hear about the progress you are making. Continuing to pray for you.

Also maybe you could look up some Buddhist teachings on chastity as well. They do have them.

 

[RHannosh619]

Hi! My name is Ronnie Hannosh, and I am the creator of this website which is aimed to help people join a network with others in the battle for purity…

www.puritywarriors.com, Check it out! I hope you join and its a great resource for support, hopefully it can get popular, Please let people know about it, if you like it that is.

God Bless you!

 

[Monica4316]

Hi all, apologies for bumping this thread but I need advice again.

I’m now at the halfway point of RCIA and want to go to the doctors to have the implant removed. I have recently had aches and pains and unusual symptoms which bother me - which the doctor says is a side-effect of the implant. The thing is, I know that in doing so it will worry my boyfriend, and its a scarily big step for me also.

Is it a sin for me and him to share a bed? Because of where he lives, its often easier for him to sleep at mine overnight before a shift in the morning because it saves him 2 hours driving and he can drive me to my shift the next morning also.

Sexually, I’m still sinning. We have sex now only once a month at best. I’m not sure either of us would notice it if we both became chaste. He is now also showing signs of committing to buddhism - he wears mallah beads all the time (buddhist meditation beads) as part of his effort to stop smoking.

Can anyone suggest ways of explaining to him how important it is to be chaste before marriage? Like any videos, leaflets etc? Something I can send him informally without having to sit down and talk to him? I will do that, but I want him to encourage him to explore the issue on his own as well as while talking to me.

This is so hard.

Hi LemonAndLime,

it might be a sin for you to share a bed with him even if you don’t have sex, because putting yourself into possible temptation is a sin. (if you know you might be tempted but still do it).

I think it’s a very good idea to live chastely especially because it will demonstrate repentance, - Baptism removes all sins but we still need to repent for them. It’s also good for spiritual growth because every sin distances us from God.

as for articles, here are some that helped me
davidmacd.com/catholic/chastity.htm
fmmh.ycdsb.ca/teachers/fmmh_mcmanaman/pages/presx.html

God bless

 

[LemonAndLime]

I know even part of Buddhist teaching is not harming the spirit of another - so if he is pushing you to do something that you feel is against your spiritual values than this should also be against his faith. It is at the very least respect for you. That should be all that needs to be said - if he needs more if you go to the top of this site there is a chastity tab you can click and get all kinds of information. Best of luck to you. Glad to hear about the progress you are making. Continuing to pray for you.

Also maybe you could look up some Buddhist teachings on chastity as well. They do have them.

He knows about part of buddhism - but he’s decided not to follow those he also at one point said “But if we decide to be chaste that’ll harm me which is causing harm which is something I have to avoid according to buddhism.”

I’ve saved those links everyone has posted and am going to look at them now! Thank you I suppose the rest is up to me which is scary.