Finding friends when 18+

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debraran

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This might not seem like a problem to some parents but I thought I’d look for ideas I could pass on.
My children are girls,14 (twins) and 18, a son. My son is a “dream kid” in that he is very nerdy, doesn’t drink, smoke or drive fast, all the things you hear when parents complain. He didn’t have many friends though in later high school years, not doing those things, was like an outcast in a way. In college (out of state) he made friends but home, he’s so lonely. He’s too old for camps, youth groups in our church our for younger kids and his job in a store, doesn’t have many guys his age and they seem to have their “clique” and go out. He belongs to a chess club and does tournaments, has an aquantance in the neighborhood to play basketball with, but no real friends. I hate seeing him alone sometimes although he makes the best of it. I know not every guy his age is going to clubs with fake ID’s…but it sure seems like it sometimes. Any ideas where older teens can find friends other than work?
 
debraran said:
This might not seem like a problem to some parents but I thought I’d look for ideas I could pass on.
My children are girls,14 (twins) and 18, a son. My son is a “dream kid” in that he is very nerdy, doesn’t drink, smoke or drive fast, all the things you hear when parents complain. He didn’t have many friends though in later high school years, not doing those things, was like an outcast in a way. In college (out of state) he made friends but home, he’s so lonely. He’s too old for camps, youth groups in our church our for younger kids and his job in a store, doesn’t have many guys his age and they seem to have their “clique” and go out. He belongs to a chess club and does tournaments, has an aquantance in the neighborhood to play basketball with, but no real friends. I hate seeing him alone sometimes although he makes the best of it. I know not every guy his age is going to clubs with fake ID’s…but it sure seems like it sometimes. Any ideas where older teens can find friends other than work?
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is he active in the youth group in the church? he should be able to find like minded friends that way…
 
Are there any coffeeshops in your area? Where I live there are many coffeeshops. A lot of the coffeeshops are popular with older teens who want to hang out but are too young for bars. There are also a lot of adults who go to the coffeeshops since they want a more mellow place to socialize or don’t care for bars. Many of the coffeeshops have people of all ages who get together to play chess. Some have open mic nights where people bring their guitars and sing. Others have open poetry readings. An artsy type person would probably like a coffeeshop. If your son has a noteboook, he could probably take it to the coffeeshop as well, since most have Wi-Fi.
 
The youth groups at our Catholic church are not for his age and aren’t done very well. They always talk of getting a group for his age, but no one wants to do it or they don’t get enough interest.

Yes, we do have coffee shops (without the music) nearby where people use their laptops, etc. to work/play…he might do that. There is another a bit further away where kids go to play music for the audience but I know he wouldn’t go alone. I can’t blame him, I wouldn’t of at his age either. I think it was good for him to go 2 hours away to school and meet new kids, more like-minded in a way, but then you can’t really visit and some come from even further away. Not having much $, it’s hard to travel too often.

I told him there are a lot of people like himself, but they don’t know where to find each other. I don’t want him to sell out to be with anyone and he said he wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that. I remember saying prayers that if God got me home a couple of times, I would never put myself in peril like that again. I know trying to fit in can be much worse than being alone, but a good friend when you find him/her is invaluable.
 
What about volunteer projects? For instance, if Habitat for Humanity is building a house, perhaps he could help out with that. Or, maybe he could volunteer at a local soup kitchen.
 
That’s a good idea, he can’t do anything with too many hours, because his boss gave him over 30 hours to help him pay for his books, etc. I thought it was too much at first, but without an active social calendar, it’s better to work than do nothing. He still has 2 days off a week and some evenings.
 
one thing for him to consider is the Catholic college newman club…there are chapters all over the country and while he is at school, he may want to connect with them…they are like a co-ed fraternity to some degree with lots of social events…there should also be one local to you and it may be a good alternative if the local parish groups aren’t well organized…good luck!
 
Oh, I didn’t think they were open to students outside of the school. His college’s Catholic Ministry is a laugh…he goes to church, but the priest doesn’t even do the mass according to the format (leaves out readings etc) but it’s still a mass. I’l have to google that, re the newman centers, and then show it to him if I find anything, after that it’s up to him.
 
He may be to old to go to camp, but could try working at one.

I would ditto encouraging him to get active with the Newman club / group / center at his college. Though I have a couple of friends form my high school days I still stay in touch with, college is where I blossomed.

He could also join the Knights of Columbus where you are. There is often a council affiliated with major colleges, and joining one council opens up attending meetings anywhere so he could switch back and forth between home and college. The local KoCs would probably find plenty or him to help with over the summer, might not be his age range but somebody has to be the youngest in the council and it would be good fellowship. Who knows, one of them might have a daughter or grand-daughter to introduce to him too.
 
I think the first question that needs to be asked is who’s bothered by it, you or your son? I know lots of guys that just don’t have close friends. I’m one of them. I have my hockey buddies from playing league and drop in, we go for a beer occassionally, but it’s not like we confide in one another. Most of them are pretty much the same way. I’ve got my wife for that. I could see some concern if all he did was sit in room and build models of the Enterprise or something. At 18 your son needs to find his own footing. Your concern is understandable, but when he wants to find friends he will.
 
debraran said:
The youth groups at our Catholic church are not for his age and aren’t done very well. They always talk of getting a group for his age, but no one wants to do it or they don’t get enough interest.
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maybe he’s called to start one? he doesn’t have to be committed to it since he goes away for school, but maybe he can start the ball rolling. ask around, ask the pastor, get hooked up somehow. like he said above, meet some of the youth or whatever groups that are available, and maybe they can help him get started or get some ideas.

i said the exact same thing to a friend in another town, and the next time i saw him, he said they had started something and it was going well. all it takes is for someone to speak up it seems. and lots of prayer and faith…

i remember when i asked our Pastor why our youth mass doesn’t have the species of wine, and he said, “no one’s ever asked.” i didn’t believe it. "in all these 20 or so years, you’re telling me no one has even bothered asking, are you sure?"
“sure.”
“no one?”
“nope. you’re it.”
“wow, so um, what needs to be done?”
“well you need 12 dedicated eucharistic ministers.”

i’ve still yet to find them… i have a few, but still not enough. the youth mass barely has any youth, and it doesnt seem the people in the communities have the motivation to really do it. maybe i need to push harder. oh well at least i tried. maybe someday…

so given the state of our church and our youth, it’s up to us. just like John Paul II wanted. i wish it was all set and ready and all we had to do was go and participate, but it turns out we have to go through all the hard trial and error. we gotta be the leaders if we want the next generation to be different. sometimes it feels overwhelming, but what can we do…

well God bless and we’ll pray for your son!
 
Thank you for your ideas…his college is small, under 2000 students, so it’s hard to start anything and the Jewish students seem the most active. College is a hard time to be religious at school but at Yale, I heard 3 students talking on EWTN of “keeping their bubble”. It wasn’t easy, but they found each other in a school that size and supported each other.

I agree, he doesn’t need a lot of friends, he just wishes he had some aquaintances to go to a movie with, grab some pizza, that sort of thing. I think a low-level depression has set in that makes him less enthusiastic about reaching out and he always was a little quiet. His closest friend moved far away in sophomore year (12 year friendship) and a couple of others got into things he wasn’t interested in and stopped calling. His club friends seem to be friendly by just “keep it at the club”. I find with work friends, church friends, etc. people tend to do that as they get older, they like to have their “compartments”.
I will look into the Newman clubs, there isn’t one at his school, but you never know if there is one nearby. I appreciate the responses…he’s a good kid and he’ll be okay, but I know sometimes you need to be with peers even if you don’t talk much. I know he needs to do these things on his own, he’d kill me if he knew I even asked about it, but it’s hard when you aren’t overly outgoing and when you had a nice base and it changes.
I thank you again for your ideas though…I can drop a few suggestions when I get an opening.
 
debraran said:
The youth groups at our Catholic church are not for his age and aren’t done very well. They always talk of getting a group for his age, but no one wants to do it or they don’t get enough interest.
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I would also suggest helping with a local youth group, maybe as a core team member. I know that when I graduated college, I moved to St. Louis, living by myself and joined on with our local youth group at our parish as a core member. The youth group at the time was not completely organized and was more about fun than about God. After being there and forming a relationship with the youth minister and the teenagers, we were able to turn the focus more to God. I feel that I had a part in that, knowing that if the teens had that relationship now, then it can only benefit them as they grow closer to him throughout their lives. So I will echo the other post by johnnydigit, saying that maybe he is called to help out.

If not, I think that volunteering is a good way to meet people as well.
 
debraran said:
This might not seem like a problem to some parents but I thought I’d look for ideas I could pass on.
My children are girls,14 (twins) and 18, a son. My son is a “dream kid” in that he is very nerdy, doesn’t drink, smoke or drive fast, all the things you hear when parents complain. He didn’t have many friends though in later high school years, not doing those things, was like an outcast in a way. In college (out of state) he made friends but home, he’s so lonely. He’s too old for camps, youth groups in our church our for younger kids and his job in a store, doesn’t have many guys his age and they seem to have their “clique” and go out. He belongs to a chess club and does tournaments, has an aquantance in the neighborhood to play basketball with, but no real friends. I hate seeing him alone sometimes although he makes the best of it. I know not every guy his age is going to clubs with fake ID’s…but it sure seems like it sometimes. Any ideas where older teens can find friends other than work?
Click to expand...
Volunteer work and activism (the Christian kind) is a great way to find people of like mind. When I was 19 I got involved with pro-life work and met many likeminded people. You could also have him try young Republicans or some other such group.
 
We work with the youth program, and we pray and pray for kids YOUR SONS age to come volunteer. Teens NEED college age young adults as mentors, they can reach teens in a way us grey haired people cannot.

Please, suggest volunteer at the Parish for youth group! They need him. Other ministries need young people too, teaching CCD, pro-life ministry, ushering… Just call and say “what can I do to help”. He will be busier than he can handle very soon!
 
kage_ar said:
We work with the youth program, and we pray and pray for kids YOUR SONS age to come volunteer. Teens NEED college age young adults as mentors, they can reach teens in a way us grey haired people cannot.

Please, suggest volunteer at the Parish for youth group! They need him. Other ministries need young people too, teaching CCD, pro-life ministry, ushering… Just call and say “what can I do to help”. He will be busier than he can handle very soon!
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hm i never really thought about that. i’ve been more concerned with finding others so i can learn and advance, rather than digress and stay stagnant (like arguing with protestants online all day!). i guess i should try and do both.

i’ve always thought about the core team of LifeTeen. and my friend keeps urging me to try out teaching CCD to the junior high/highschoolers on saturday…
 
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