Alfonso,
What a gift to find Jesus at 17! When I was going through high school I drifted from the faith, and came back right around that age too-- near the end of my junior year of high school. I am now 21, almost 22 years old.
If you are like me, then you are also very intellectually adept. I loved grappling with apologetics (and still do!) and learning about the faith in general. But as I’m sure you know, the intellectual aspect does not touch the heart. In fact-- you probably know this far better than I do.
The real question, and the only question is: what’s your prayer life like? That’s the only question there is.
The answer requires us to be able to evaluate the quality of prayer. Many people-- and I find that my friends who are more ‘charismatic’ tend to fall into this problem more easily-- make the emotional or affective aspect of prayer an essential aspect of prayer.
I suggest-- and this is the teaching of the saints and the Church-- that prayer can only be evaluated on the basis of its fruit. Are you growing in holiness? That is a long term evaluation of prayer. In the short term, the only question you can ask is whether you’ve been faithful in making time for prayer.
Do you have a regular prayer schedule? Do you pray the rosary every day? Do you spend time in meditation (e.g., lectio divina, or something else)? If you want to go deep with the Lord there is no alternative to spending in meditation with Him every day. If you don’t do any now… go for a half hour a day. If you do… then make it a full hour.
“But I don’t feel on fire!” That’s alright. God imparts grace in abundance regardless of how one feels during prayer. If you sit down to prayer, and all you do is reject distractions and twiddle your thumbs… that’s good. Just put in your time. Punch your card every day.
The other problem I sometimes see with my more ‘charismatic’ friends is an especial revulsion to ‘falling into routine.’ When prayer is easy, and things are flowing… it seems natural, spontaneous and feels fulfilling. But when it gets tough it seems stilted… and seems not to be genuine. I have to give you and them credit… we should long to be as genuine as possible before the Lord. But “routine” is a genuine as one can get.
It’s like early on when you fall in love with a girl. Everything is spontaneous and easy. You can’t help but think of her, and so it’s only natural that you stop and buy flowers for her on the way home from work, or write a note for her when you think of her during your studies. We, being fools, think that is being genuine because it is unprompted and and according to our inclination.
But that stage passes quickly enough. The relationship becomes ordinary soon enough. And flowers and notes may seem like a thing of the past-- or at least the ease and spontaneity may suddenly be gone. Small kindnesses may seem more like a chore than a joy.
But it would be foolish to conclude that the relationship is getting weaker. That would be very foolish! It is deepening, and the structure of the human affective life (i.e., the human emotions) is running its ordinary course. Such spontaneity and passion may cool, but at this point the actual love you have for her has its chance to operate-- you can now make a conscious decision to do loving acts for her. You can set an alarm on your cell phone for next week reminding yourself to ‘write note for her’ or to pick up flowers. Is it pre-planned and unspontaneous? Absolutely. Is it against one’s inclination? Maybe. But is it therefore less ‘genuine’ because more ‘routine?’ No! Perish the thought! It is purer because it is being willed solely or primarily for love of her and not for your own selfish reasons (the gratification it gives you).
God works exactly this way in the interior life, in prayer. For many people, God grants easy, and spontaneous prayer at the beginning. Thus He seduces them and draws them in. With Jeremiah we may say, “You duped me, O Lord! And I let myself be duped!”
But then the affective aspect cools. The Lord withdraws it for a time to refine and purify the inconstant and weak love of the soul for Him. After all, the soul loves him but only inasmuch as it finds some gratification in it. The Lord is jealous and will not stand for rivals for His affection. So He diminishes the affective aspect of prayer and leaves you dry. He wants you to learn to love Him for Him alone and for no ulterior motive. Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD; and you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might.
Trying to ‘rekindle the fire’-- trying to 'gin up emotion or feel something in prayer-- is exactly what the Lord wants to… and I hate to say it so harshly… crush in you. He wants you to pray without desiring anything but Him. A feeling or image is not Him. Nothing created or understandable by the human mind is He. As St. John of the Cross would say, he will direct you to desire nada. And as St. John would add: in desiring nothing but Him, you gain everything.
Your desire, or rather, your distress at thinking that you are not pleasing Him is a good sign that you do love Him. But He wants you to love Him so much more. Always pray, rain or shine, feeling good or bad, always pray. Without a deep reservoir of prayer, the active life will have nothing to draw on and will quickly become stale and burned out. Pray pray pray.
If you’d like to read a good, popular book which gives an exposition on prayer, check out Fr. Thomas Dubay’s “Fire Within.” Please also do me a favor, and check into the Dominicans out there in the Western Province! You may find that they add something to your spirituality. God bless!
-Rob
