Finding Peace In Continued Alcoholic Family

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Was one of your parents alcoholic? What was your ‘role’ within the family? Or was it a grandparent who was alcoholic?

Alcohol was not the problem in my family but NPD in both my grandmother and my father. I was always labeled as a child that was a bit problematic, and they always worried something was wrong with me. This was based on absolutely nothing, just their sick projections. I never managed to change that image that was plastered on me when I was very young. My brother, on the other hand, was also criticised and had to jump through hoops all the time, but was never labeled as someone with a problem. I think this is why he is still happy to sing the family tune of “dad is just a bit difficult and we must find a way to deal with him”., rather to admit that there might be something wrong with him.

I realize that your family situation is quite different, in that your family members behave in a very different way towards you and your children. (My grandmother and father were awful to most people). But there is one thing that strikes me as similar. They were all very disrespectful towards my mother and blamed her for all sorts of things. That influenced me and the way I behaved towards her: often without respect and always assuming that she is somehow to blame for other people’s faults and bad behavior. (There were obviously quite a few scrapegoats in my family of origin.)

It was only when I moved abroad (distance is a wonderful thing) and when I became a mother myself that I finally started seeing my mother for whom she really is: a decent woman who had a misfortune to marry into a seriously twisted family. Her actions simply started speaking for themselves and the family labeling simply fell apart, despite my indoctrination.

Hopefully this will happen with your children as well at some point: they will see you for who you are. They will see a discrepancy between you and the picture of you painted by the family.

When I suggested you talk to someone about what is happening to your children, I was thinking in terms of a psychologist. They must see this kind of thing all the time and perhaps can give advice on how to handle your children in this mess. Obviously, the rest of the family is beyond reach.