A
aazucena
Guest
Dear friends,
I am in a tough spiritual spot and I could use getting through this situation:
I am a female young adult, early-to-mid 20s. I struggle with a medical situation that has resulted in hospital admissions and that has required frequent visits to medical facilities for treatment or consultations. This medical situation has affected my goals, delayed my plans and interfered with my daily life. My most recent hospitalization was a week ago for almost a week.
Right now, I am struggling with a very strong need for solace and comfort. Usually, I get by the medical situation with some difficulty, and I am still learning to deal with it effectively. Yet, I do not despair often. However, I’ve found that when things get particularly rough (such as last week), I struggle to stay afloat. I have a couple of friends who help with errands when I get back from a hospital stay for which I’m grateful. However, it is tough for me to display my emotions to them. Sometimes I feel like I have burdened them enough, and sometimes I just wish I could cry in front of them for once. I’ve always had a hard time displaying what I truly feel.
I think I am a grounded catholic. I have faith and I love learning about the church, the saints, history, theology, etc. I know God is there, and that he understands how hard is for me to go through this. I am also aware that there are many others who have it worse. However, it has been a long time since I have found solace in God. He seems to standing at some distance. I am somewhat familiar with the Ignatius’ consolations and desolation. I am also somewhat familiar with John of the Cross’ dark night of the soul. I don’t know if that is what I am experiencing but what I do know for sure is that I am craving solace. And that I don’t know where or how to find it. I go to Mass and try to receive Communion while at the hospital. I do it out of faith and discipline and because something tells me it’s the right thing to do. But I still crave companionship.
I can think of two possible answers: Maybe the Lord wants me to keep trying to seek him. Maybe this is his way of working on me to help me grow spiritually and make me more accepting of his love. Or maybe he wants me to open up to my friends and to not bury my emotional pain inside. Yet, I have no experience in opening up like that. I did not learn to touch people (outside of family) until a couple of years ago and i am always awkward about it.
Right now, I really crave a hug. I crave a gentle touch, a pat in the back, a hold of a hand. I want to be held and to feel free to cry. The past couple of weeks were very scary and some of my drs think there is a possibility of relapse in the near future. It is a game of wait and see. For the past three nights, I’ve had bouts of crying before falling asleep. It’s not so much out of fear but because I feel lonely. I look for solace in our Lord and I don’t find it. Right now I am feeling physically better than I’ve felt in weeks, so I see the future with hope (though with some fear too). I don’t really understand why I crave human comfort so much, I don’t understand the practical uses of it, but I can feel that I want it. I can only explain as the same strong and desperate desire to hug a parent that a child has after scrapping a knee in play. Except that my scrape is deeper than a knee, it hurts more than a scrape and lasts longer.
I don’t know if it is ok for me to feel like this. I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to find what I am looking for or if I should even be looking for it.
Your advice, prayers and insights are much appreciated.
I am in a tough spiritual spot and I could use getting through this situation:
I am a female young adult, early-to-mid 20s. I struggle with a medical situation that has resulted in hospital admissions and that has required frequent visits to medical facilities for treatment or consultations. This medical situation has affected my goals, delayed my plans and interfered with my daily life. My most recent hospitalization was a week ago for almost a week.
Right now, I am struggling with a very strong need for solace and comfort. Usually, I get by the medical situation with some difficulty, and I am still learning to deal with it effectively. Yet, I do not despair often. However, I’ve found that when things get particularly rough (such as last week), I struggle to stay afloat. I have a couple of friends who help with errands when I get back from a hospital stay for which I’m grateful. However, it is tough for me to display my emotions to them. Sometimes I feel like I have burdened them enough, and sometimes I just wish I could cry in front of them for once. I’ve always had a hard time displaying what I truly feel.
I think I am a grounded catholic. I have faith and I love learning about the church, the saints, history, theology, etc. I know God is there, and that he understands how hard is for me to go through this. I am also aware that there are many others who have it worse. However, it has been a long time since I have found solace in God. He seems to standing at some distance. I am somewhat familiar with the Ignatius’ consolations and desolation. I am also somewhat familiar with John of the Cross’ dark night of the soul. I don’t know if that is what I am experiencing but what I do know for sure is that I am craving solace. And that I don’t know where or how to find it. I go to Mass and try to receive Communion while at the hospital. I do it out of faith and discipline and because something tells me it’s the right thing to do. But I still crave companionship.
I can think of two possible answers: Maybe the Lord wants me to keep trying to seek him. Maybe this is his way of working on me to help me grow spiritually and make me more accepting of his love. Or maybe he wants me to open up to my friends and to not bury my emotional pain inside. Yet, I have no experience in opening up like that. I did not learn to touch people (outside of family) until a couple of years ago and i am always awkward about it.
Right now, I really crave a hug. I crave a gentle touch, a pat in the back, a hold of a hand. I want to be held and to feel free to cry. The past couple of weeks were very scary and some of my drs think there is a possibility of relapse in the near future. It is a game of wait and see. For the past three nights, I’ve had bouts of crying before falling asleep. It’s not so much out of fear but because I feel lonely. I look for solace in our Lord and I don’t find it. Right now I am feeling physically better than I’ve felt in weeks, so I see the future with hope (though with some fear too). I don’t really understand why I crave human comfort so much, I don’t understand the practical uses of it, but I can feel that I want it. I can only explain as the same strong and desperate desire to hug a parent that a child has after scrapping a knee in play. Except that my scrape is deeper than a knee, it hurts more than a scrape and lasts longer.
I don’t know if it is ok for me to feel like this. I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to find what I am looking for or if I should even be looking for it.
Your advice, prayers and insights are much appreciated.