Fine Line Between Being Generous and Being Doormat

[birdie74]

Hi everyone,

Over the past few months I have been making a more conscious effort to live my life for others, to be generous, to anticipate the needs of others, etc, basically to more closely conform my life to Jesus.

This is of course very difficult, and I have run into one recurrent problem: I often feel like I’ve become a doormat. Is this really what God wants of us? I look at the Eucharist and see that God has allowed Himself to be used and even abused by any and everyone - seems like if we really imitate Christ in the Eucharist we will end up being total doormats.

But surely God wants us to feel like we have some dignity?

Does this make any sense? The situation that prompted this question is that there is a particular close friend in my life with whom my relationship has been rapidly changing. We were best friends, and then someone new entered the picture and basically replaced me as this other person’s new best friend. That’s cool, I realize that people move on and that relationships are always changing. Thing is though that during this whole thing the person who’d been my best friend suddenly started cancelling plans with me, acting cold, contacting me less and less, you get the picture. Now the ex-best friend’s new friend has kind of dropped her and here she is back at my doorstep wanting to hang out as if nothing ever happened. Problem is that this “friend” of mine will still drop plans with me whenever anyone else invites her somewhere last minute, she eats my food, uses my car. And I am wondering, is it virtuous to keep on giving and feeling like a second class friend? Or for her own good should I become more firm? Do I have a right to make that call on what is for her own good?

I’m not asking this because I have trouble standing up for myself - I am totally capable of telling this person to buzz off and stop treating me like a side dish - I am just really wondering what reaction will help me, and hopefully her too, grow in virtues.

Sorry if that was all rambling and confusing. The bottom line is: when we give to the extent of never having favors returned and letting ourselves be used by others, are we being like God, or are we just being foolish and enabling someone else to be selfish?

I would love to hear all of your thoughts on this. Thanks!

 

[daeve]

I’m kind of like this too. We women do let people walk on us sometimes. We try to be kind, and generous and understanding, and sometimes our reward is a kick in the face. We have to say to ourselves, if I help this person again (or make plans with her again or whatever the case is) am I really helping her or hurting her.

If I let my married friends blow off plans we’ve made weeks in advance because hubby wants to go out to dinner at the last minute, they’ll think that’s an acceptable way to treat a friend.

If I keep bailing my son out when he’s in financial trouble, how will learn to manage his money? I’m not talking about something like really major…if he needed surgery and had no insurance, I’d sell my house and empty my 401(k) to see that he got it. But when he’s been paying to play online video games and then he can’t make his child support, I won’t pay it for him anymore. I might send her the money, which then is a gift from me and not her child support. The state comes after him and he learns that this is his #1 financial responsibility. I don’t want him going to jail, for sure, but he made the kid and he’s got to take the responsibility for him.

Sometimes you can forgive and forget. Sometimes you have to forgive and remember not to do it again. But I really think that letting someone hurt or use you over and over is not just bad for you, but a disservice to her.

 

[cheddarsox]

I think we have a few different situations getting mixed together.

Generosity is a sharing of time, talent and gifts…for the good of the receiver. If you continue to share beyond the good of the receiver, it is not true generosity.

While this is not always easy to determine, most of the time we can discern when “giving” has crossed the line to co-dependency.

When we are throwing money at a person or situation that clearly wastes it, when we know there are causes out there that would put it to better use…that is not true generosity.

Friends…there are categories of friends… the one’s that don’t respect our needs and desires…are of a different category than those that do. Everyone needs to cancel sometimes, is someone cancels all the time, without good reason or without any attempt to deal with our emotions…they are definitely a lesser friend, and perhaps not a friend at all.

We have to decide if perhaps they are a needy person who we can see our time with as an act of charity, rather than a true friend. Someone whom we give an hour to on the phone, and an occasional outing…for their needs, realizing ours won’t be getting met there.

All of the things the OP describes are reasons why people who devote their lives to Christ often choose to join a celibate order. Because the needs and distractions of spouse, kids, family, work, bills, etc become factors in our interactions with others. To be truly generous, in a Christlike way…one really must have the freedom to not have to put those things first. In a religious community…yes, there are responsibilities, but they are built into the life in such a way that God is always the boss, and the physical needs are met by community work, and not the sole responsibility of one.

To put Christ first, to truly follow in his footsteps sometimes means appearing like a doormat to others, but you will recognize the difference. You can only give what you have to give. If you have no time, you have no time to give. If you cannot be in a relationship with a person who always cancels, then you cannot. That is you. Everyone has their limitations.

When you start trying to give what you do not have to give, you are not being generous, you are lying to yourself and others.

Tell your friend how you feel and see what the response is. I believe that true generosity does involve dignity…even if the person themselves is the only one who senses it.

In the end, ask yourself…am I giving this for God…or for “me”. Because I believe to give is serving God’s purpose…or because doing so serves my purpose.

hope some of that helps