First confession was humiliating

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ameliepoir

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I’m a young woman - raised Baptist, in RCIA, will be confirmed this Saturday. I went to my first confession today. I was really nervous and embarrassed at the prospect of spilling all my sins to a priest. I read a lot online to prepare, and was comforted by other people saying how confession felt like a relief for them. So I thought it might be like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I wrote down all my sins and also the format (we didn’t go over it at all in RCIA) on a sheet of paper and brought this into the confessional. Reading them was even more embarrassing than I was expecting. I felt like my voice was so loud (well, it kind of was… halfway through the priest whispered “not so loud”) and that the confessional box was spinning and shrinking. I got through most of my sins before the priest spoke up and asked a few questions about me. Then he told me to read the act of contrition, which I wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t know it, but luckily there was a card in the confessional. A few lines in, I just started crying uncontrollably. I was pathetic, and I still feel that way.

I left the confessional feeling so small and vulnerable. I cried for another hour, and then again when I got home and took a shower. I’m crying again as I type. 😦 I’m so worried about when I have to go back. I need to feel the love of Jesus again. Through this entire RCIA process, I’ve felt like my pride is being torn down. Partly this is because I used to be so combative when I would have arguments with Catholic friends about Christianity. From standing in front of the church during rites and scrutinies to even answering small questions about my confirmation journey, I’ve always felt a small pang of shame. This had its full, terrible culmination for me today in the confessional. I don’t feel comfortable talking to any of my friends or family about this, so I would appreciate your prayers and any words of comfort or advice you have for me going forward.
 
I was received into the Church last year – I was nervous going to Reconciliation. My RCIA team had us schedule an appointment with the priest for our first confession rather than going at the usual time. We were also given a handout that went over the steps, including the Act of Contrition.

I’m so sorry this was such a trial for you. I always go feeling a little reluctant, but Father is so understanding and gentle that I feel like the weight of the world has come off my shoulders when it’s done.

I will pray that this gets easier for you.
 
I’m really sorry your experience was so bad. I’ve only heard glowing reports before about first Confessions. God bless you and welcome to the faith. Please don’t let this dampen your joy.
 
Shame on any RCIA that does not prepare people well. It’s not your fault if they didn’t teach you how to go and discuss it.

I’m so sorry.
 
God bless you for having the courage to reach out to others in a situation that is obviously so uncomfortable. I know through RCIA I have felt numerous moments that were challenging. Although, I don’t pretend to know how you feel as I have not gone through reconciliation as of yet.

I will pray for you. God bless you for your honesty. I know He sees us for who we are in our heart and that’s what really matters.
 
First. Welcome home. I was received myself at the vigil in 2013. I am so glad to have joined the Church. I came from a SDA->Baptist/nondenom->Lutheran->Catholic path. A slow slide home.

My first confession… It did not go so well either. I won’t talk about the details but it just wasn’t this “rolls of relief” event everyone described. My wife on the other hand confessing to the same priest had precisely that “burdens lifted off” moment. You might also want to consider a different confessor in the future. You mentioned “the confessional” which may have been a private confessional or somesuch. I have often found face to face confession to be better.

Your words about pride struck me as personally ( speaking about me here not you ) I have a lot of pride. And facing the real me sometimes has been hard. It wasn’t that I felt judged by anyone, not even the priest, but I was judging myself pretty hard.

In my case there were still unresolved things and some time thereafter I did finally have that peace. Of course sometimes I still sin and wind up feeling pretty much crummy about myself. I figure its like the publican and the sinner, “God be merciful to me a sinner”.

There is a book “Imitation of Christ” by Thomas A Kempis. It has 4 books ( small sections really ) and I believe it was book 2 or 3 that I found especially relevant to my life. There is another called "Introduction to the Devout Life’ by St. Francis de Sales. This was a good and easy read for me.

God bless and welcome home.
 
ameliepoir said:
I’m a young woman - raised Baptist, in RCIA, will be confirmed this Saturday. I went to my first confession today. I was really nervous and embarrassed at the prospect of spilling all my sins to a priest. I read a lot online to prepare, and was comforted by other people saying how confession felt like a relief for them. So I thought it might be like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I wrote down all my sins and also the format (we didn’t go over it at all in RCIA) on a sheet of paper and brought this into the confessional. Reading them was even more embarrassing than I was expecting. I felt like my voice was so loud (well, it kind of was… halfway through the priest whispered “not so loud”) and that the confessional box was spinning and shrinking. I got through most of my sins before the priest spoke up and asked a few questions about me. Then he told me to read the act of contrition, which I wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t know it, but luckily there was a card in the confessional. A few lines in, I just started crying uncontrollably. I was pathetic, and I still feel that way.

I left the confessional feeling so small and vulnerable. I cried for another hour, and then again when I got home and took a shower. I’m crying again as I type. 😦 I’m so worried about when I have to go back. I need to feel the love of Jesus again. Through this entire RCIA process, I’ve felt like my pride is being torn down. Partly this is because I used to be so combative when I would have arguments with Catholic friends about Christianity. From standing in front of the church during rites and scrutinies to even answering small questions about my confirmation journey, I’ve always felt a small pang of shame. This had its full, terrible culmination for me today in the confessional. I don’t feel comfortable talking to any of my friends or family about this, so I would appreciate your prayers and any words of comfort or advice you have for me going forward.
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Hello ameliepoir,

I might be in the minority here, but I actually think what you are describing is the work of The Holy Spirit.

I am cradle Catholic, but I fell away from the Church for many years. When I returned, I attended Confession for the first time in over 20+ years. I tried preparing, but I wasn’t prepared for my confession… I cried. I cried and cried and cried.

That Saturday, I went to confession again and then made an appointment with the priest afterwards to talk. It was then, that I truly realized that the weight of my sins was the reason I was crying. The Holy Spirit came upon me in that Confessional and I shared in Christ’s suffering.

I believe (though I wasn’t there) that this may have been what happened to you.

It kind of reminds me of Purgatory. The best description of Purgatory I’ve ever heard was either from former Major League Baseball player Mike Sweeney or Dr. Edward Sri… he (whichever one) said that a priest once described Purgatory as God’s pure love for us burning away our impurities to allow us to join Him in heaven.

Mike Sweeney also said, that sometimes we have to be torn down, beat up, etc in order to rise stronger. And that’s exactly how are muscles work. In order for us to get physically stronger, we must damage and tear our muscles by working out. But then they grow back stronger. So, if God does that for us in regards to our physical strength, then why is it so hard for us to realize that He does this for our Spiritual strength. We often become stronger spiritually through hard / tough times. That’s redemptive suffering.

My dear young woman, look at this as a blessing. And if you want, go to Confession again this week and talk to the priest about your experience (especially if the line isn’t too long). And if necessary, schedule a time to talk to him. Spiritual Advisers are always a wonderful idea.

Finally, welcome home. I don’t know you, but I already feel a bond with you as you prepare to officially enter the Christ’s Church. Converts like you always give me inspiration, as you have come to recognize the Truth on your own, without being taught it your whole life.

If you need to chat further, please feel free to PM me or simply continue posting in this thread.

God Speed and May The Lord Bless you and grant you inner peace. Amen.

BTW - the only reason the priest told you to lower your voice is to make sure others didn’t hear you to protect you (if what you confessed was really bad or embarrassing). I often get told to lower my voice by one particular priest all the time, as he’s constantly telling me that if I don’t lower my voice other people will hear me. 😃
 
Hey, I’ve cried in confession a few times - there’s no humiliation in that. It’s Jesus you are talking to, not the priest.

Jesus loves you utterly, and has forgiven all your sins.

Rejoice - no matter how you feel!👍
 
Sounds to me you did great. You did a real examination of conscience (hard enough) then had to say it all out loud. Not an easy thing for someone not in the habit of it. The sensations you describe still happen to me sometimes (although probably not as severe) and my first communion was 47 years ago. The more you go the easier it will get.

Confession is a humbling and sometimes humiliating experience.

You should be very proud of yourself.

Congratulations and welcome home.
 
Thank you all for your kind replies. If anything, I definitely learned more about myself today, and I hope this reconciliation will give me more humility and clarity moving forward. Bitznbitez, I will try a face to face confession next time, and also borrow those books from the church library.

Phil, I think you are very right that the weight and realization of my sins is what is affecting me so much. That’s all it could be, because the priest was patient and gentle. You mentioned purgatory, and I was thinking of something related earlier, from a Narnia book I read when I was little. A character named Eustace grows dragon skin, an outward manifestation of his greed. Aslan has to help him remove it, which is a horribly painful and tender process, but it allows him to become a part of the human community again. I guess I’m still a little tender… but ultimately it is a blessing, because I will be one with you all soon.
 
Not much to add here. Lot’s of very thoughtful, relevant responses. My first confession 10 years ago (grew up Southern Baptist) was with a very kind priest who took his time with me and guided me well in the confessional. I also was poorly taught is RCIA, but I spent hours reading about the intricacies of the Faith and why we do what we do. I also had a list written down, and ever since, confession has been a very liberating sacrament for me because I genuinely feel like I’m off-loading my sins onto Jesus’ shoulders, as he wants me to do. It’s very important to remember afterward to forgive yourself for your sins … after all, the Lord has just forgiven you. It’s the least you can do.

I HIGHLY recommend “Introduction to the Devout Life.” St. Francis de Sales was a remarkable person who converted entire towns back to the Catholic faith as a relatively young man while risking his life during the Reformation. This is when Protestants (Calvinists) were ransacking and burning down Catholic Churches and attacking priests, and it was a very violent time requiring uncommon courage. His book, while published over 400 years ago, is an easy read on the pursuit of holiness, written primarily for lay men and women.

Rest easy in the fact that in your choice to become Catholic, you have chosen the Church where grace is most plentiful. Our Church is a “hospital for sinners,” as we all are, and you will meet many wonderful people in your journey, which will never really end. There is so much to learn! Welcome home.
 
I think it’s awesome! Keep going forward and in a day or a month or years all that stuff will go away. I had a similar experience, very tough first time, and subsequently it was tough many times. I don’t know, after a while it went away - it takes a couple years or more, there is no rush. You are fine, you did fine, you will be fine!!!
 
ameliepoir,

That took great courage and humility, and I know God will bless you for it. Have you heard of St. Faustina? She was a Polish nun who died around the time of World War II. Our Lord appeared to her numerous times and asked her to spread devotion to his Divine Mercy. Our great Polish pope, Pope John Paul II, canonized her a saint and proclaimed the Sunday after Easter to be the Feast of Divine Mercy in the Church. St. Faustina recorded much of what Christ told her in a diary, and your post made me think of this. I hope you find it helpful – and I second what others have recommended to you between reading the Imitation of Christ and the Introduction to the Devout Life. You can’t go wrong with either of those! 🙂

Here is the quote from St. Faustina:

“Today the Lord said to me, Daughter, when you go to confession, to this fountain of My mercy, the Blood and Water which came forth from My heart always flows down upon your soul and ennobles it. Every time you go to confession, immerse yourself entirely in My mercy, with great trust, so that I may pour the bounty of My grace upon your soul. When you approach the confessional, know this, that I Myself am waiting there for you. I am only hidden by the priest, but I myself act in your soul. Here the misery of the soul meets the God of mercy. Tell souls that from this fount of mercy souls draw graces solely with the vessel of trust. If their trust is great, there is no limit to My generosity. The torrents of grace inundate humble souls. The proud remain always in poverty and misery, because My grace turns way from them to humble souls.”
 
ameliepoir said:
Thank you all for your kind replies. If anything, I definitely learned more about myself today, and I hope this reconciliation will give me more humility and clarity moving forward. Bitznbitez, I will try a face to face confession next time, and also borrow those books from the church library.

Phil, I think you are very right that the weight and realization of my sins is what is affecting me so much. That’s all it could be, because the priest was patient and gentle. You mentioned purgatory, and I was thinking of something related earlier, from a Narnia book I read when I was little. A character named Eustace grows dragon skin, an outward manifestation of his greed. Aslan has to help him remove it, which is a horribly painful and tender process, but it allows him to become a part of the human community again. I guess I’m still a little tender… but ultimately it is a blessing, because I will be one with you all soon.
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👍
I wept at my first confession, because I was so humbled and the armor I was wearing that guarded my sinfulness was cracked through. I think if you focus on those aspects, you will find joy and relief knowing that u became vulnerable and humble and were forgiven.

God Bless.
 
As others have mentioned, sounds like the Holy Spirit touched your soul.

“Come to me all you who labor and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest” Mt 11:28
 
ameliepoir said:
I’m a young woman - raised Baptist, in RCIA, will be confirmed this Saturday. I went to my first confession today. I was really nervous and embarrassed at the prospect of spilling all my sins to a priest. I read a lot online to prepare, and was comforted by other people saying how confession felt like a relief for them. So I thought it might be like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I wrote down all my sins and also the format (we didn’t go over it at all in RCIA) on a sheet of paper and brought this into the confessional. Reading them was even more embarrassing than I was expecting. I felt like my voice was so loud (well, it kind of was… halfway through the priest whispered “not so loud”) and that the confessional box was spinning and shrinking. I got through most of my sins before the priest spoke up and asked a few questions about me. Then he told me to read the act of contrition, which I wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t know it, but luckily there was a card in the confessional. A few lines in, I just started crying uncontrollably. I was pathetic, and I still feel that way.

I left the confessional feeling so small and vulnerable. I cried for another hour, and then again when I got home and took a shower. I’m crying again as I type. 😦 I’m so worried about when I have to go back. I need to feel the love of Jesus again. Through this entire RCIA process, I’ve felt like my pride is being torn down. Partly this is because I used to be so combative when I would have arguments with Catholic friends about Christianity. From standing in front of the church during rites and scrutinies to even answering small questions about my confirmation journey, I’ve always felt a small pang of shame. This had its full, terrible culmination for me today in the confessional. I don’t feel comfortable talking to any of my friends or family about this, so I would appreciate your prayers and any words of comfort or advice you have for me going forward.
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Sounds like you made a Good Confession. 🙂
 
It’s always dangerous for people to tell others entering the Church what they’ll feel after receiving a sacrament, because we don’t know what stone is fighting within.
It sounds as if you were given a sense of the horror of sin following confession; which is a good antidote to any desire for sin, as long as that doesn’t deter you from making good confessions. What a great joy Christ has in the person who does His will even when the immediate feeling is very unpleasant - He did not go through His Passion joyfully; but He was able to endure it because of His love for the Father.
You might also ask the next confessor about this experience and he might offer some good counsel.
May your love for Jesus only grow during this first Holy Week.
 
DaddyGirl said:
Poor kid. Don’t be so hard on yourself!
I imagine it would be totally natural for a person to feel nervous, emotional, vulnerable and upset if they had to say out loud to someone they don’t know well (or not at all?) a whole list of things they supposedly did wrong while sitting in a tiny cubicle with people waiting on the other side of the door for their turn.
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Well of course. Those who do this for a while, however, eventually get used to it. :yawn:
 
ameliepoir said:
I’m a young woman - raised Baptist, in RCIA, will be confirmed this Saturday. I went to my first confession today. I was really nervous and embarrassed at the prospect of spilling all my sins to a priest. I read a lot online to prepare, and was comforted by other people saying how confession felt like a relief for them. So I thought it might be like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I wrote down all my sins and also the format (we didn’t go over it at all in RCIA) on a sheet of paper and brought this into the confessional. Reading them was even more embarrassing than I was expecting. I felt like my voice was so loud (well, it kind of was… halfway through the priest whispered “not so loud”) and that the confessional box was spinning and shrinking. I got through most of my sins before the priest spoke up and asked a few questions about me. Then he told me to read the act of contrition, which I wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t know it, but luckily there was a card in the confessional. A few lines in, I just started crying uncontrollably. I was pathetic, and I still feel that way.

I left the confessional feeling so small and vulnerable. I cried for another hour, and then again when I got home and took a shower. I’m crying again as I type. 😦 I’m so worried about when I have to go back. I need to feel the love of Jesus again. Through this entire RCIA process, I’ve felt like my pride is being torn down. Partly this is because I used to be so combative when I would have arguments with Catholic friends about Christianity. From standing in front of the church during rites and scrutinies to even answering small questions about my confirmation journey, I’ve always felt a small pang of shame. This had its full, terrible culmination for me today in the confessional. I don’t feel comfortable talking to any of my friends or family about this, so I would appreciate your prayers and any words of comfort or advice you have for me going forward.
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Just remember, the ‘worst’ is over. You can forget about all the sins of your past and go on from here. If you find yourself thinking of them just remember God’s Mercy and be thankful. Future Confessions will be much easier. Next time you go just tell the priest it is your second Confession. Confession not only forgives our sins but it floods our soul with God’s Grace to help us continue on our Journey. It is really a very beautiful Sacrament if you look at it properly. Like a BATH for our soul. Don’t be afraid of a little humility. That is sooo good for the soul too. A humble soul is a Holy soul. It tells us we are on the right path. Prayers for your Journey, God Bless, Memaw
 
I think you did great!!

Going forward it may help you to have frequent confessions. It will give you practice and you won’t have a lot of sins to confess as with a first confession. This is what I try to do.

When we moved to a new parish, there were no confessional boxes. Confession was in a room. I did not notice the kneeeler, and sat right opposite the priest. Boy, was I scared! But the priest layed hands on me towards the end, I was shaking and felt similar to you. I would never have chosen an open confession–I am too old school. So I understand completely about feeling scared, nervous, embarrassed and so on because that’ how I felt at the time- including totally unprepared…

But with practice I was able to go to open or closed confession.
 
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