First Holiday I Actually Feel Ok Without In-laws

[sparkle]

Thanks ever so much guys…all you out there. Yes, I know there will be some smart aleckey’s who will have to get their 2 cents in. I’m hip and cool with that too! And I hear ya----believe me I do–what you’re all saying. It’s just that I feel I have stepped over a major hurdle in my life that has been there now for 16 or so years. It’s not so much I need to “get it off my chest” but to perhaps help others out there, like I was, and like I felt being trapped in an in-law situation. For I lived thru just wayyyyy to much s___ for a wife, mom, and person to take. I tried to love sooo much, my H’s family, for so long, etc., and sometimes friends, you love, and it’s just pie in your face. You love and try your hardest and you get spit on anyway. What a lesson. That’s a hard one. But all too true. It was for me. For as someone said on here, you just “cannot teach a pig to sing opera”…so know it and stop trying…this was such a huge lesson for me. But hey I learned it and I’m wiser because of it now. Better late than never. Still, I try to love my in-laws, try and always will to reach out, but I will never be stepped on again.

Thank you all for even reading my posts. I do appreciate it so much.

I hope you all had as good of a Thanksgiving as I had. God is just so awesome and His Mercy and His Glory is just so new every day. In my old age now, I feel a new awakening coming on.

Anyone want to travel to Alabama with me to EWTN???

God Bless~~

 

[tamccrackine]

sparkle:

Anyone want to travel to Alabama with me to EWTN??? God Bless~~

If I still lived in GA, I’d take you up on that offer.

I totally understand where you are coming from and what a relief it is to finally be able to say no more. My inlaws are like that and because we are military, we move around alot. When we moved from Germany to Georgia, we spent the next three years with my DH’s family for X-mas… anti-Catholic, stepping all over me and my childrens’ religion, stepping on me as a mother and one year, wife (got told I married the wrong guy). It’s been h-e-double hockey sticks. This year, because we are now in CA, I said we’re going to Japan becuase my folks live there (they’re military too) and I wanted to see them. DH said “cool!” … then came orders for Iraq in January so it nixed our plans to Japan. Immediately, his mother started in on me about going to Ohio for x-mas. She was angry that I said DH might come but not me and the kids’ because we just couldn’t afford it. No one wants to help us to fly out there, no one wants to come here, but they want us to stop everything to go there. I stood firm to DH and said if he wants to go… by all means, I’ll find a way to send him… but us girls’ aren’t going anywhere, I’m getting my own tree, we’re going to midnight mass in OUR parish for once.

Anyway… I totally understand how you feel. I’ve been married for 8 years and it has only gotten worse over the years and this year is the first I stood firm and it feels so good. I love my inlaws, they try to be good people. They claim to be Christians, but there are times when I question even that. I have to admit… as prideful as it sounds… I love to tell them “I’m praying a rosary for ya!” and leave it at that.

 

[sparkle]

Yes, tamcrackie: DO pray a rosary for them and leave it at that! Leave all ties too, leave living with them, leave ANY financial dependence, leave any emotional ties too. IF you’re married, or once ANYONE is married, they’re supposed to “leave and cleave”. THIS is the will of God. I finally understood this passage years after I was married.

 

[geojack]

sparkle:

Yes, tamcrackie: DO pray a rosary for them and leave it at that! Leave all ties too, leave living with them, leave ANY financial dependence, leave any emotional ties too. IF you’re married, or once ANYONE is married, they’re supposed to “leave and cleave”. THIS is the will of God. I finally understood this passage years after I was married.

Do we just forget honor thy father and thy mother?

 

[Detroit_Sue]

Sounds like things are looking up for you, Sparkle. In-laws can cause so much distraction in marriages unless you stop them. God bless!

 

[sparkle]

geojack:

Do we just forget honor thy father and thy mother?

NO, of course not. BUT, its important to know, or strive to know, what truly “leaving and cleaving” means. We always should honor and treat our parents with respect and dignity, and love, regardless. BUT, we do not put ourselves in abusive situations, even if these situations are with parents. This is the difference friend. I don’t think what I have been thru or what I am saying has anything to do with not “honoring” our parents. It has to do with our maturity as a human being, with knowing the right and proper way to love without being stepped on and spit at. For instance, we sent H’s family all cards this Thanksgiving, etc., (well I did actually–like I always have)…but just did not choose to be in their presence, nor think it is in any way a healthy thing. For there are many reasons here for the duration of my marriage. Perhaps you don’t understand “geojack” and that’s OK, because maybe your parents or in-laws might be wonderful, loving and “non-toxic” folks, well, my in-laws are not, as much as I wish and dream they were normal. And as hard as I tried to get them to respond differently. They will always be this way, and do not choose to change. (The most important realization). They are very toxic people. Yes, they deserve love anyway, we will always give them this, but put a stopper on the abuse. Life is too short—and you know what? when/if you have a family of your own…you will know this!

God Bless and thx for your comment geojack!!! I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. Ours was so very nice.

 

[mercygate]

sparkle:

NO, of course not. BUT, its important to know, or strive to know, what truly “leaving and cleaving” means. We always should honor and treat our parents with respect and dignity, and love, regardless. BUT, we do not put ourselves in abusive situations, even if these situations are with parents. This is the difference friend. I don’t think what I have been thru or what I am saying has anything to do with not “honoring” our parents. It has to do with our maturity as a human being, with knowing the right and proper way to love without being stepped on and spit at. For instance, we sent H’s family all cards this Thanksgiving, etc., (well I did actually–like I always have)…but just did not choose to be in their presence, nor think it is in any way a healthy thing. For there are many reasons here for the duration of my marriage. Perhaps you don’t understand “geojack” and that’s OK, because maybe your parents or in-laws might be wonderful, loving and “non-toxic” folks, well, my in-laws are not, as much as I wish and dream they were normal. And as hard as I tried to get them to respond differently. They will always be this way, and do not choose to change. (The most important realization). They are very toxic people. Yes, they deserve love anyway, we will always give them this, but put a stopper on the abuse. Life is too short—and you know what? when/if you have a family of your own…you will know this!

God Bless and thx for your comment geojack!!! I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. Ours was so very nice.

Did I miss the details? Wheredja go? Who went with you? What happened?

God love you. It gets easier. And it you can’t have their affection, you will at least gain their respect. Feels good, doesn’t it?

 

[tamccrackine]

geojack:

Do we just forget honor thy father and thy mother?

No, you never forget that, but as an adult, especially a married adult, your LOYALTY resides with your spouse… forsake ALL others for your spouse. So when your folks are acting like retards and acting like they can treat you like a child, you’re an idiot, or they try to force you to make a choice of loving your spouse or them… you are to disregard their behavior and side with your spouse. And if you LET them treat you like this, it gets worse and worse… and that’s toxic. It makes them believe they have a hand in YOUR marriage therefore they believe they can influence their child when it comes to YOUR marriage. The three in the marriage covenent is you, your spouse and God… no where does it say “and your mama and papa, and granddaddy and grandmammy, and sis, and brother”.

I rant… I digress… sorry… I just know where sparkle comes from… it’s so hard to enjoy the great joy of the holiday season when there is that toxicity involved. It makes the cross you bear harder but I’ve taken each year and offered my suffering to God. And this year, even though we have a few things going on that would actually warrant a visit with my DH’s folks… I refuse to go and he’s siding with me even though his mother is now at the WHINING stage. (He’s stronger at ignoring her than I… probably because he grew up with it and knows when to tune her out)

anyway… I’m in a chatty mood right now.

 

[geojack]

tamccrackine:

No, you never forget that, but as an adult, especially a married adult, your LOYALTY resides with your spouse… forsake ALL others for your spouse. So when your folks are acting like retards and acting like they can treat you like a child, you’re an idiot, or they try to force you to make a choice of loving your spouse or them… you are to disregard their behavior and side with your spouse. And if you LET them treat you like this, it gets worse and worse… and that’s toxic. It makes them believe they have a hand in YOUR marriage therefore they believe they can influence their child when it comes to YOUR marriage. The three in the marriage covenent is you, your spouse and God… no where does it say “and your mama and papa, and granddaddy and grandmammy, and sis, and brother”.

I rant… I digress… sorry… I just know where sparkle comes from… it’s so hard to enjoy the great joy of the holiday season when there is that toxicity involved. It makes the cross you bear harder but I’ve taken each year and offered my suffering to God. And this year, even though we have a few things going on that would actually warrant a visit with my DH’s folks… I refuse to go and he’s siding with me even though his mother is now at the WHINING stage. (He’s stronger at ignoring her than I… probably because he grew up with it and knows when to tune her out)

anyway… I’m in a chatty mood right now.

I don’t recall saying that you should put your parents first. I asked a question. That is all.

 

[crystal]

SPARKLE

I am applauding you! :clapping: Your posts on this issue are what brought me to this MB. I googled about abusive in-laws and your posts came up.
I noticed that you got incredible support here and I was heartened for you. I figured that most people would say keep turning the other cheek but they didn’t. I am in a similar situation as you were and I received good support for it here too for which I am grateful. In my case it is only my FIL, not the rest TG.

My dh and MIL and my own parents are all telling me that I have no right to be angry and that I should just ignore him. I’ve been ignoring his abuse for 4 years and it is not working for me. Anyway, I plan on posting about Christmas when I get back from visiting in-laws.

Let me say again how pleased I am for you finding the strength to do what you feel is right for you. I pray that things continue to work out for you with this matter. I’m here for you and really want to thank you for sharing your story.

Sincerely,
Crystal

 

[legeorge]

Ahhhhhh… Peaceful holidays. I am so happy for you, Sparkle.

As an aside, my daughter was going to a friend’s house, and I was talking to her Mom. She asked about our Thanksgiving plans. I told her and then she said, “yeah, I have to go to the out-laws”. I laughed right out loud! So, at least you know that you are not alone!

 

[tamccrackine]

geojack:

I don’t recall saying that you should put your parents first. I asked a question. That is all.

You’re right, you did ask just a question… however, I took it as an implication that sparkle (and I and many others) are not allowed to feel comfortable because we are standing up for ourselves. I apologize if you didn’t mean this, but please understand my response to your question. I don’t mean any disrespect by it, but I also won’t be made to feel like I’m to abide by that commandment when I’m an adult trying to make peace in a very, very difficult situation that is harmful and hateful. The Catechism is very clear on our standing of that commandment once an adult.

I am truely sorry if you feel offended by my response. Peace?

 

[sparkle]

Hi Crystal:

Anytime you want to chat, I’m always here…

Yes, everyone on this forum has been just amazingly charitable and given me such very good Christian advice.

I want and have always wanted to be and do the most loving thing possible, and I always will. But have learned also…ALOT–thx to many on here who have given me such needed support and understanding.

I don’t believe in having the attitude “me first,”…but sure have learned what a hopeless case some things (people) are and when to truly cease putting forth the effort. It says in Holy Scripture “don’t cast pearls before swine”. This has been a major life lesson for me. God is good. I suppose I will always be a sap, and just too willing to be stepped on for the sake of trying to be kind, but it has been a very good journey for me to really “see” the reality of a situation. I look forward to the next 3 Sundays of Advent, and the coming of Christ more presently in my heart. Hope you all feel the same.

God Bless~~

P.S. Mercygate: BTW–we had a very nice, wonderful dinner just our family in a wonderful restaurant by the ocean with a marvelous view-----it was perrrrfect…and last nite at dinner we lit the first Advent Candle on our advent wreath, and took our Priest’s suggestion and lit a purple candle and put it in the kitchen window. Advent season is just so glorious isn’t it? Too bad the Protestants just celebrate X-mas day and that’s it for them…as my whole huge family only does. Can’t help but feel they’re missing out on so much.

 

[stayathomemom]

Sparkle, this is also my first year without my inlaws. I, along with my husband are fed up with his mentally and verbally abusive parents. My husband has put up with his father hanging up on him, calling to argue for 2 hours at a time every time they don’t get their way about something, and the list goes on and on. Eight months ago we had our third child (a boy finally!!), and had him baptized. His parents came and were so rude to our company and to us that our oldest daughter who is 5 years old commented after they left “Why was Paw Paw so mean to us?” My FIL insists we are making that up, and he was very nice to everyone, but ALL of our company says different. When my husband confronted him the next day about their behavior he thought the way he acted was cute and admitted that my MIL begged him not to start an argument. We refused to visit with them after that incident which was 8 months ago until they decide to change their behavior. They act this way everytime we invite them over for a “family” get together (it’s been this way for 6 years). They haven’t seen our children in 8 months. The kids have NOT asked to see them one time in the past 8 months, which should tell you alot. My MIL supposedly has been diagnosed with high blood pressure and the family is blaming it on us and the situation. Two weeks ago we decided that maybe we should try to make amends and try to visit and invited them over and his mother said that she didn’t want to be around us after what we “pulled”. The nerve of her. Everytime she doesn’t get her way they say “You’re not honoring your mother and father”. They don’t even go to church and are trying to preach the bible to us. This is what I am struggling with now. Is my husband still honoring his parents even though we choose to stay away from them because of their behavior? Where do you draw the line on honoring your parents? There is alot more that has happened over the past 6 years and just trust me, if you had experienced it, you would probably ask me why it took me so long to call it quits. My husband is behind me 110% and I thank God EVERY day I have him in my life.

 

[mercygate]

stayathomemom:

My MIL supposedly has been diagnosed with high blood pressure and the family is blaming it on us and the situation. Two weeks ago we decided that maybe we should try to make amends and try to visit and invited them over and his mother said that she didn’t want to be around us after what we “pulled”. The nerve of her. Everytime she doesn’t get her way they say “You’re not honoring your mother and father”.

How is it that parents who bully their kids with the 4th Commandment never remember these verses of scripture:

Eph 6:4. Fathers,do not provoke your children to anger, . . .

Col 3:21. Fathers,do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

 

[sparkle]

Dear "stayathomemom:

Not to cut you off friend, but I would really like to recommend 2 books to you, that if you care enough about your dilemma, you will get today.

1. Boundaries in marriage–By Cloud and Townsend; and
2. Toxic In-Laws–by Dr. Susan Forward

Point3: Be just SO lucky you have a husband who supports you in this. Mine does not, has not, nor probably will not. If it was not for me being a very strong person, hubby would still be tied to the damaging apron strings, like his older unmarried brother sadly is still. One must truly applaud all men who can stand up to their parents. For this demonstrates what God’s Word says to do, that being “leave and cleave” to your wife. Many on this board have said how strong their husbands are, and I say, commend and appreciate them for being this way. For it is hard to cut the apron strings, I can imagine, especially if one’s mom is sick twisted, unGodly, manipulative. For me, we have had many fights in 16 years over hubby’s parents, and him still having to put them before me. Only a counselor has helped us see this sickeness. Alot had to do with financial stuff, sadly. And we are in a much better place now, thanks only to God! You can be too SAHM! You’re an awesome wife and mom I just know it!

God Bless~~

 

[stayathomemom]

mercygate:

How is it that parents who bully their kids with the 4th Commandment never remember these verses of scripture:

Eph 6:4. Fathers,do not provoke your children to anger, . . .

Col 3:21. Fathers,do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Thank you for these two versus. I feel that God has called me to this website for a reason. I happened to stumble upon it by “accident” or so I thought. I was trying to get more info on the fourth commandment and Google led me to this!!! Thank You again and I will print the versus and hang on my fridge.

 

[mumto5]

sparkle:

Friends: I know this ties over to other threads I might have written but I’d like to say, I’ve finally grownup -------well enough where I honestly have learned to say “NO” and not to take “in-law abuse” any longer—stonewalling and nasty treatment, etc… I told my H this year I do not want to be with his family (which have all been awful to me)…this Thanksgiving or X-mas, and that I have no desire to associate with abusive folks. If he wants to visit, he’s more than welcome to, without me. For 16 or so years, I’ve been duped to always associate with these abusive folks, (even my own parents forced me into it)…and always, it ruined my X-eve, X-mas parties in my home, or Thanksgiving, etc., not to mention my self-esteem and my self-worth as a person, and as a mom, and as a wife, etc… Gosh—how much head-banging must it take for one to finally realize it? I feel 16 years is too long. If I can help one person with what I’ve been thru, I hope I can do such with advice, encouragement, and love, knowing how to love in the right way, without being abused. There is a big difference here.

Many of you might think this is an un-Christian attitude, but to be honest, I don’t care if you think it. IF anyone has taken similar abuse, you truly KNOW what I’m talking about, if not, you do not.
This forum has helped me alot, which is one reason I’m writing. It’s so helpful to have Catholic forums out there.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone~~ and may God Bless~~~

I haven’t read the other responses yet but have been there where you are. Good for you. None of us should be expected to take abuse on an ongoing basis. We don’t see our inlaws either and it’s wonderful. The family has much more peace, my husband is thriving without their constant put-downs and guilting, and we don’t miss them at all.

Sometimes it is the right and only decision that can be made.

 

[mercygate]

stayathomemom:

Thank you for these two versus. I feel that God has called me to this website for a reason. I happened to stumble upon it by “accident” or so I thought. I was trying to get more info on the fourth commandment and Google led me to this!!! Thank You again and I will print the versus and hang on my fridge.

Good idea – and keep them in mind when dealing with your own children. Of course, sometimes we have to risk annoying our children in order to be good parents. The point is, not to taunt them, humiliate them, usurp their dignity: we need to respect them if we hope that they will “honor” us.

I will always bless my MIL (RIP), who told DH, when he began to complain about his wife (could that have been me? 'Fraid so ): “That is between you and your wife. You go home to her and work it out.”

 

[stayathomemom]

sparkle:

Dear "stayathomemom:

Not to cut you off friend, but I would really like to recommend 2 books to you, that if you care enough about your dilemma, you will get today.

1. Boundaries in marriage–By Cloud and Townsend; and
2. Toxic In-Laws–by Dr. Susan Forward

Point3: Be just SO lucky you have a husband who supports you in this. Mine does not, has not, nor probably will not. If it was not for me being a very strong person, hubby would still be tied to the damaging apron strings, like his older unmarried brother sadly is still. One must truly applaud all men who can stand up to their parents. For this demonstrates what God’s Word says to do, that being “leave and cleave” to your wife. Many on this board have said how strong their husbands are, and I say, commend and appreciate them for being this way. For it is hard to cut the apron strings, I can imagine, especially if one’s mom is sick twisted, unGodly, manipulative. For me, we have had many fights in 16 years over hubby’s parents, and him still having to put them before me. Only a counselor has helped us see this sickeness. Alot had to do with financial stuff, sadly. And we are in a much better place now, thanks only to God! You can be too SAHM! You’re an awesome wife and mom I just know it!

God Bless~~

Thank You for the suggestion on the books. I definitely will look into getting them. I am open to any advice. My husbands brother has yet to cut the apron strings either, but he and his wife love my IL’s controlling ways. My sister-in-law is very manipulative and does not help the situation. She and MIL are two peas in a pod. I have told my husband he could visit without me if it were his wish and he REFUSES to go without me. He says they will have us as a family or not as all!! I have tried 5 times - yes 5 times- to make amends with my IL since this all happened 8 months ago and they refuse to talk to me. My FIL says that he will speak to “his son” alone so he can undo what I drilled in his head. He says that my husband really doesn’t feel that way about them, that he is just a “puppet” that I created. I could go on and on. Now can you see why we choose to stay away. My husband is a very intellegent person, and he is an awesome husband, father, and not to mention son-in-law. My parents adore him. Thank you for the compliment on me being an awesome wife and mom. My husband says the same, and my kids think I am the greatest. I try really hard. Thanks for the support and keep the advice coming!!!