First Post - My Upcoming Marriage

[Sling_Shot]

I am a woman in my mid-twenties, been dating the love of my life for about four years. We are getting married in 5 months, and I will move to his apartment which is 700 miles away from my family and friends and 300 miles away from his family and friends. He has a good job which he loves, and I will have many opportunities out there. (East Coast)

But I am not sure how to start my new life.

I have a good job here (but I need to move on) and some great connections for my own budding small business (which I could possibly still run from home long-distance). When I started college and knew no one, it wasn’t long before I had some good friends who I still call. But neither of us know anyone, and I just don’t know how to not be a lonely, depressed housewife who sits at home all day (we only have one car)

My dream is to have a small farm, so I want to start looking for farm internships… though some days, I have no spirit for it because I’m so heartbroken to leave home. I think: “If I were married here, so-and-so or so-and-so could always come over, we could raise our kids together…” However, I know it is better for me to get out and grow up - my fiance is so sweet and supportive - I couldn’t have asked for a better man.

I am also nervous that we won’t DO things together - I like to camp, he likes to… not camp. We pray together, have wonderful talks, but his line of work is so far out of my interests/understanding (I try really hard to wrap my mind around his job when he’s talking about it) that I’m concerned we’ll just end up living separate lives.

My parents and friends are very sad that I’m leaving - mostly what I hear is “when will you move back?” which just makes this life-change so much harder.

I’m nervous that I won’t have friends by the time we have our first child, and I’ll become really isolated - I don’t know how other women balance life and family!

I’m not the most typical gal - I like to use power tools and fish, so I can see me having a hard time finding other women friends. But best-buddy search aside, I’m just scared we’ll have a child and no one to turn to when my husband and I need a night out.

I speak to my fiance often, he is understanding, but says it is better for us to have OUR family on our own - away from either of our own families.

Am I just a typical, nervous bride? Or is my experience more than just “cold feet”?

 

[edwest2]

My advice is this: ask each other what you expect out of married life, first. I also work in a job that my family just doesn’t get. It’s book publishing and a few other things, but it’s not an average job for a guy.

Call your family. Call his family. Call to find out what Churchs are in the area you are moving to. Ask about events the Church sponsors, whether they are social or family get-together types or evangelizing. If you’re a people person, it doesn’t matter if you can fish and use power tools, just be personable and introduce yourself to other women who are newly married or have kids. A close friend of mine moved from Michigan to California, and she called me on a regular basis. It took her a short time to find some lady friends because she took the time to look and get involved.

And communicate with your husband to be. Tell him what you are thinking. He should be willing to help you. I doubt he’s going to be very happy if he doesn’t make friends at work or elsewhere either. He’s going to be your partner and the two of you need to talk, not end up living in two separate bubbles. If he wants a marriage where IT"S JUST THE TWO OF YOU, tell him that having friends and keeping connected to both your families matters.

Too often, people think, I or we will do it our way. Is he concerned that someone on his side of the family or your side will interfere too much in your lives? I mean, if he has issues, talk about it.

May God guide you on your journey,

Ed

 

[St_Francis]

I speak to my fiance often, he is understanding, but says it is better for us to have OUR family on our own - away from either of our own families.

This bothers me… extended family is important, and it sounds like he is not really in the same place you are wrt to that.

Have you visited where he’s living? How are y’all doing the marriage prep?

 

[CradleJourney]

I’m nervous that I won’t have friends by the time we have our first child, and I’ll become really isolated - I don’t know how other women balance life and family!

I’m not the most typical gal - I like to use power tools and fish, so I can see me having a hard time finding other women friends. But best-buddy search aside, I’m just scared we’ll have a child and no one to turn to when my husband and I need a night out.

Just my experience and opinion (also not a typical gal, mom of six kids) -

1. If you allow it, having children can and will quickly make you friends - friends without babies can quickly tire of the “baby talk” that comes with a new little blessing. Other new moms however understand completely the sometimes bewildering new world you’re in. Many churches offer a MOMS (Ministry of Moms Sharing), MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), or just a general mom’s group program.
2. (And this ties into #1) Open your idea of friendship beyond what is customarily depicted on tv and in books - it took me awhile to grasp this one grin - that’s why I bring it up. By that I mean, I have “run” friends - those who like to run, and are willing to talk to me about races, personal bests, tips, tricks, and who offer a sympathetic ear to my beginner complaints, worries, and problems. I also have “PTO” friends - moms who kids attend the same school as my kids (even though our kids are in different grades and are not friends), with them we discuss parenting, education, school issues, neighborhood issues, etc. I have “church” friends - fellow women in my bible study (some with kids, some with grandkids, some without any) - who I share talks and ideas about both religious and non-religious issues - we listen to what’s going on in each others lives and pray for each others intentions. Currently I’m looking for new “book” friends to discuss the new authors and genres I’m exploring.

Basically, I accept that no particular person (not even my hubby) matches up very well with my eclectic set of interests and passions - but for every interest I have, I can find a friend to share it with, if that makes sense?

My point is follow YOUR interests and be open to making friendships of all kinds of levels - and you’ll find the support you need, when you need it. God’s in charge, and will help

Now - as far as the rest of your post goes, that I will leave up to others to respond to. May God bless you and enlighten you to what the best path is to follow.

 

[Sling_Shot]

This bothers me… extended family is important, and it sounds like he is not really in the same place you are wrt to that.

Have you visited where he’s living? How are y’all doing the marriage prep?

Thank you for your response. We did marriage prep when we first got engaged - about a year ago - and then he had a year-long grad school/internship, while I’m a teacher - it’s unfortunate that we’ve been living so far apart for so long, but we’ve made it, five months to go…

As for the extended family, we both agree that they’re important (he’s a big fan of his dad and older brother, for example) but there’s no way for us to live near BOTH of our extended families. We would have to choose between one of our families or the other, so we chose our new family made by our marriage.

 

[on_the_hill]

Tough situation.

On the one hand, being away from families has its benefits. My wife moved to where I lived when we got married, which is about 4 hours away from our families. It’s nice because there’s no interference.

On the other hand…I think we both would have preferred living closer to home. It’s very, very difficult to raise young children with no family nearby. You will have to hope that either you or your husband can take a lot of time off work, at a moment’s notice because children get sick. They have early dismissals from school. They have doctor and dentist appointments. Young son is throwing up and has a fever on a Sunday night. School won’t accept him until he goes 24 hours without a fever. You and your husband both have work commitments Monday AM. Who’s going to take the day off?

For years we told everyone we were moving back home, but we never did, and now our kids have friends, connections, lives here.

Did I mention how difficult it is to raise children with no family around?

Plus, it takes a lot of work for the children to be close to their grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. When we were children, my wife and I saw our grandparents all the time. My kids see theirs several times a year. They see their cousins even less.

One thing I’ve noticed about people who grow up with no family around: they grow up to rely on friends, which is good. But they also never develop a sense of commitment to family.

 

[edwest2]

Family should include aunts, uncles and in-laws, not this fake - I’m an adult and I’ve got my OWN way. That’s ruined a lot of families in the past (no, I’m not talking about justified situations where abuse was occurring). Ties across generations matters. Good parents that are good role models to their kids usually get young adults that marry and are good role models to their kids and on and on. If you had a good - I don’t mean perfect - mother and father that showed you love and affection, then the odds of you growing up to be like that increase.

A good grandma and grandpa would pass along what wisdom they had, along with their love. They were our social services, our counselors and our safety net, and we cared for them and helped them too. Family means family. It is the building block of all societies. No need to reinvent anything.

We didn’t focus on how hard any of it was going to be. We saw generations of people who survived and lived good lives. Our neighbors - most of them - as well.

Peace,
Ed

 

[dixieagle]

Family should include aunts, uncles and in-laws, not this fake - I’m an adult and I’ve got my OWN way. That’s ruined a lot of families in the past (no, I’m not talking about justified situations where abuse was occurring). Ties across generations matters. Good parents that are good role models to their kids usually get young adults that marry and are good role models to their kids and on and on. If you had a good - I don’t mean perfect - mother and father that showed you love and affection, then the odds of you growing up to be like that increase.

A good grandma and grandpa would pass along what wisdom they had, along with their love. They were our social services, our counselors and our safety net, and we cared for them and helped them too. Family means family. It is the building block of all societies. No need to reinvent anything.

We didn’t focus on how hard any of it was going to be. We saw generations of people who survived and lived good lives. Our neighbors - most of them - as well.

Peace,
Ed

I agree with this.

We have lived about 1500 miles from our families for most of our nearly 40-year marriage due to my husband’s job. (He is in a field in which there are just a very few jobs in any particular city.)

OP, being on your own may help you establish yourselves as your own little family (and could be necessary if family members are a negative influence.) However, I can truthfully say that I have regretted every day how little time we were able to be with our families during these years, and how said I was not to bring our girls up nearer their wonderful grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

One of our daughters, her husband and baby are 3 hours away, which is quite do-able; I was able to get over to them on short notice last week when her back was giving her problems and she couldn’t bend over to pick up her little boy. I helped out for 5 days and was so glad I could.

Our other daughter, husband and son are currently about 8 hours away, but will be moving back here in May when she has completed her doctorate. She is expecting their second baby in July and is thrilled that she will be close to family; I am thrilled that we will be able to help out with her busy little 2 year old.

I would think long and hard about this decision to isolate yourselves as you plan on doing. Perhaps some compromise could be reached. Is your soon-to-be-husband in a field where he could get a job closer to family?

It sounds to me as if you are already having doubts; this is something about which you should be having serious discussion, before the wedding.

God bless!

 

[Kindness]

Hello OP, I can relate to you as when I married I moved from Europe to be with my DH in the USA. We also lived hundreds of miles away from his family. I was also very nervous about having a child without a support system - even while I worked before we had children in the US all my coworkers were single and childless!

My advice to you would be find a way to have another car if that would enable you to get out more. We also only had one car in the early years of our marriage and so I could not get to all the church groups and events I wanted to be involved with. When I think back now that was a mistake and I would have gained a lot from finding many more Catholic friends locally before having children. I have found in every part of America (and the world) where I have lived that there is ALWAYS a group of commited Catholics. You need to get out there and find them! In the US there are many, many homeschooling families and they are great to be networked with even if you don’t homeschool as they are generally well informed about great groups, parishes and individuals locally who will help build your faith. If you are a teacher I’m sure you could find a full or part time job of some kind before you have a child to help meet people.

I also agree with the poster above that friends come from all walks of life and you can share some interests but not all. I knew plenty of very active, outdoorsy women in the US. If you can’t find them, why not put a notice in your new parish’s newsletter asking to form a club of people who enjoy the outdoors? If there is a will there is a way! I would also not stress too much about making friends because once you have a baby you will have something in common with every other woman around you who has a child. Women you would have imagined you could form no connection with when single and childless suddenly are in exactly the same boat as you are. Also, not to burst your bubble but you will find you won’t have too much time to pursue your own interests anyway when you have children - your main hobby will be trying to get enough sleep!

I had all our children in the USA with no family around. We are now in Europe - still not in the same country as my family! But still happily married. God will be with you, but get out there and find those loving friends who will support you as you have children. I have found the Grandmas on the parish Respect Life Commitee to be very enthusiastic babysitters!

 

[Sling_Shot]

Family should include aunts, uncles and in-laws, not this fake - I’m an adult and I’ve got my OWN way. That’s ruined a lot of families in the past (no, I’m not talking about justified situations where abuse was occurring). Ties across generations matters.

Thank you for your feedback.

Yes, I would very much like to live near our families of origin - unfortunately, to live near family at all would mean living near *either *family - they are too far apart to be near both, and “in the middle” is about where we are - over a ten hour drive for either side, in opposite directions.

We are starting our own way, not to cut ourselves off from our families, but to continue the good they have taught us and both pass it on (to our children) and spread it (geographically).

I know I can’t go into this marriage thinking we’ll eventually move near one family or the other. We are just going to have to take it one day, one moment at a time, and pray together and put our *marriage *before either of our extended families. Perhaps we will move closer to one of our relatives, but that’s something time and prayer will tell.