First pregnancy, estranged in-laws

[GamerGrrl]

I just found out I am pregnant, after about 2 months of marriage.

Aside from the obligatory “oh my word, who decided to put a human life under my responsibility” and completely not knowing what to do during and after, I’m excited, and my dh is excited and very much looking forward to the entire process.

The only fly in the ointment is the matter of my in-laws.

There has been acrimony between me and them ever since I called one of my future bil’s on his horrible treatment of other people, especially my future dh. Long story short, the family backed him, ostracized my future dh and won’t have anything to do with me. None of them, including my dh’s mother, attended our wedding, even though we had invited all of them (even the abusive bil) and had been trying to patch things up.

Now the problem is, I am having a really hard time accepting that my dh’s family have any right to see/interact with my child. I know they’re not going to involve themselves until the child separates from me (giving birth). According to dh, the child will be their blood-kin, so they would have no problem ignoring me and still wanting to see the child.

We haven’t told them yet (I am only a few weeks along) and I don’t want to. I want to not tell them at all, like they didn’t tell my dh when his brother (the abusive bil) had his most recent child. I want them to not be involved in our lives at all, because they are destructive and only bring pain when they interact with us.

I know this is NOT the way a Catholic should be dealing with this, and I know that until they pose a real threat to my children they should not be barred from the child’s life, but I can’t shake these feelings.

This is stressing me out. Does anyone have any suggestions about what I can do?

Thanks.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Ideally DH should tell them:

“GmerGrrl is my wife, she is pregnant, and for my sake you should respect her and be civil to her now and after the baby comes”

That would be the ideal scenario. I’m not sure if that will happen though.

Probably DH should mediate any interactions between you and his family until things are smoother.

 

[sedonaman]

Ideally DH should tell them:

“GmerGrrl is my wife, she is pregnant, and for my sake you should respect her and be civil to her now and after the baby comes”

That would be the ideal scenario. I’m not sure if that will happen though.

Probably DH should mediate any interactions between you and his family until things are smoother.

I speak from personal experience when I say this is good advice. My father and my grandmother [his mother-in-law] had a falling out when I was too young to know what was going on. I never found out what the bone of contention was, but they never spoke for thirty years. To illustrate the bad influence this has, when I was about 14, we went to a house party some friends gave, and I was shocked when one of the men guests spoke to his mother-in-law. I just assumed this was not done in other families as well. Growing up in such a heavy atmosphere was difficult for me, my brother, and my sister, not to mention the burden it placed on our mother. I cannot overemphasize the difficulty. You have to nip this in the bud, for if things are not patched up in your family, I predict your child will face similar experiences, especially if you and your in-laws live near each other.

 

[DexUK]

We choose our friends but we don’t get to choose our relatives.

I would advise you not to stress too much - stress can be bad for a pregnancy, so I understand, so try not to get too emotionally charged on the matter.

You and your husband need to look after each other and your unborn child first, before anyone else gets a look in.

I don’t think there’s a specific Catholic way to do these things: it’s down to common sense. Provided you’re not being specifically nasty to the objectionable relatives, I don’t see that you’re doing anything wrong.

It’s a credit to your husband that he thinks more of you than his relatives: he married you without them being involved in the wedding so clearly you are the centre of his world. I would suggest trusting in his judgement about how he lets his relatives know. He will be sensitive to you. If his brother didn’t let him know about a new arrival, it seems likely that he probably won’t feel compelled to do any different.

It’s sad when family members simply can’t get along - I’ve seen it with a close friend of my own - but when all is said and done, you have to carry on with your own lives. For the sake of the peace of your own soul, you should probably leave it all in the lap of the Lord, let them get on with their own lives while you get on with yours, and let any rapprochement that might occur do so in its own time and at their bidding. You are, after all, not responsible for another person being badly behaved.

 

[1inICXC]

The baby will be attached to you for long after you give birth, if you end up breastfeeding.

If they refuse to see you, then they should not be entitled to seeing your child. As a matter of fact, to make matters simple, so as to not cause a situation like the one mentioned by an OP who was shocked to see people talk to their ILs at 14, you SHOULD bar them altogether from your lives.

BUT do give them a chance first. Let DH announce your pregnancy to them, if they show any willingness to ne part of it take them up on it, if they continue to act as they have, let your FH explain that your child will be off limits to them as long as the relationship between all of you isn’t at least civil and it is their choice when thatnis going to happen. Your DH should NEVER, under ANY circumstance, ignore you, leave you behind or do things without your consent in order for them to see the chid.

Your child should not be exposed to people who despise his mother.

 

[fgh_123]

Off topic, but I see things like “DH” and what not written everywhere. What does it stand for?

 

[bluerose]

Off topic, but I see things like “DH” and what not written everywhere. What does it stand for?

Dear Husband, Dear Son, Dear Daughter (or “Darling” if you prefer)

 

[Kelfa28]

I was feuding with my sister when I found out I was pregnant.

At the time, the feud was so bad and she had hurt me so much that i was perfectly content with not seeing or speaking to her until she decided to apologize, however long that would take.

The pregnancy changed all that, for me at least. She had always spoke about how much she wanted to be an aunt, even when we were children and I felt like I couldn’t deny either her nor my child the joy of a close relationship between an aunt/niece (yes, I’m having a girl ).

I called her and she did apologize…though after much whining on her part about why she was angry at me. I kept a very cool head while she fell apart. We made up and she and I are back to the way we used to be. She jumped on the chance to plan my baby shower and is beyond excited that she is going to have a niece very soon.

My advice? Give them a chance to see the error of their ways. You might find that they want to be apart of your lives. If you and your husband do get the chance to speak with them, keep a level head and explain why you are hurt and upset by their actions. If they turn their backs then that would be it.

I’d give your husband the chance to break the ice.

 

[losh14]

I just found out I am pregnant, after about 2 months of marriage.

Congratulations on such a blessing!

The only fly in the ointment is the matter of my in-laws.

When you marry you leave behind the life of your family of origin and begin writing your own script for your own lives. I’m sorry to hear that your in-laws are not supportive of you and your husband. It’s a terrible thing for them to refuse to attend the wedding of their own son, but I think they’ve cast a clear decision on where they stand, and you should let them sit on the outside. It’s charitable of you and your husband to open your family to them but you have no need to if they remain toxic and hostile to you - you don’t want your children growing up in teh presence of those who despise them and you.

Now the problem is, I am having a really hard time accepting that my dh’s family have any right to see/interact with my child. I know they’re not going to involve themselves until the child separates from me (giving birth). According to dh, the child will be their blood-kin, so they would have no problem ignoring me and still wanting to see the child.

I agree. What right would they have to visit their grandchild and nephew if they mistreat the parents?

I want them to not be involved in our lives at all, because they are destructive and only bring pain when they interact with us.

I think that’s entirely valid. “Blood is thicker than water” doesn’t apply, but rather, “Blood underlies bruises”. Your husband’s first responsibility is to you and then your children. He should not tolerate disrespect towards you, but I must emphasize that this must be his fight, not yours. He must stand up to the abuse that he receives, even if you see him as yours to defend you can’t be the one to drive this to a solution.

I know this is NOT the way a Catholic should be dealing with this, and I know that until they pose a real threat to my children they should not be barred from the child’s life, but I can’t shake these feelings.

How is this threat not real? When you bring abusive people into your home, you expose your children to abuse. They’ll only remain in the “I just want to hold the baby” phase for so long. A Catholic must forgive but cannot expose the family to harm.

 

[faithfully]

Here’s where I stand on this sort of thing. As my inlaws have taken issue with me for various reasons…

My children are not objects or trophies. They are humans who can only be taught by example how to behave. And need to be taught how to behave. RIGHT?

One can not honor a mother and father if one sees that it’s ok to treat mother or father like a pc. of trash.

I come with my children. Our family is a package.

If someone sees fit to demean me infront of my child, as if it’s ok to treat the mother of a child poorly, they themselves made the decision to no longer interact with my child. They make that clear by their actions, I assume they can control. I just execute their decisions.

If they can be respectful, then I have no problem interacting. We don’t have to be best friends.

Your husband should have this conversation with them if he’d like it delivered in his prefered style. I always give my husband the chance to communicate with his own family. If he forces me to do it, then I will do it so there are NO MISUNDERSTANDINGS… very clearly, bluntly. His choice.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

Here’s where I stand on this sort of thing. As my inlaws have taken issue with me for various reasons…

My children are not objects or trophies. They are humans who can only be taught by example how to behave. And need to be taught how to behave. RIGHT?

One can not honor a mother and father if one sees that it’s ok to treat mother or father like a pc. of trash.

I come with my children. Our family is a package.

If someone sees fit to demean me infront of my child, as if it’s ok to treat the mother of a child poorly, they themselves made the decision to no longer interact with my child. They make that clear by their actions, I assume they can control. I just execute their decisions.

If they can be respectful, then I have no problem interacting. We don’t have to be best friends.

Your husband should have this conversation with them if he’dL like it delivered in his prefered style. I always give my husband the chance to communicate with his own family. If he forces me to do it, then I will do it so there are NO MISUNDERSTANDINGS… very clearly, bluntly. His choice.

Well put. :clapping:

 

[Castello]

Pick up a copy of this book. It is amazing how it helps deal with these interpersonal issues:

amazon.com/Interior-Freedom-Jacques-Philippe/dp/1594170525/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326414250&sr=8-1

 

[AthenaC]

I second losh14’s post. Very wise.

Also, why do you say that this is not the way a Catholic would deal with this? A Catholic would forgive, yes, but forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean you patch the relationship up, especially if the other party isn’t interested.

Good luck.

 

[GamerGrrl]

Thank you all for your responses. If nothing else, the affirmation that I am not a bad person for not wanting them around my baby has eased my mind.

I will talk all of this over with my dh, and see if we can set down some ground rules or expectations. I especially love the idea of telling them in my own way (blunt, to the point) if he does not talk to them, as he is pretty non-confrontational.

I am very happy to say I married the cream of the crop; my husband is not like his family at all. Sweet, kind, generous and always ready to give somebody a 49th chance.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you all for your responses. If nothing else, the affirmation that I am not a bad person for not wanting them around my baby has eased my mind.

I will talk all of this over with my dh, and see if we can set down some ground rules or expectations. I especially love the idea of telling them in my own way (blunt, to the point) if he does not talk to them, as he is pretty non-confrontational.

I am very happy to say I married the cream of the crop; my husband is not like his family at all. Sweet, kind, generous and always ready to give somebody a 49th chance.

No, please do not take this battle on yourself. You already got too involved in telling off his brother when that was HIS boundary to draw. You cannot win, and your husband needs to grow. Non-confrontational or not, he needs to be a man and step up to protect his new family. Time for HIM to set some firm boundaries and stick to them. Sometimes a man’s gotta go what a man’s gotta do. Let him do it.

 

[CopyKat]

First of all, congratulations!!

I’m so sorry for this situation you’re in. Stressing out about this is the last thing you need right now. I really wouldn’t give this too much thought. It’s going to work itself out whether it’s for the good or bad. Ideally, they make peace with you now and get to see the baby. If they don’t, then that’s they’re choice (and a really unfortunate one). I don’t see how it’s even an issue that they’d have contact with the baby if you’re on the outs with them. What are they going to do? Enter your home, pick up your baby and not say a word to you? That’s disrespectful and you’re husband shouldn’t allow it. I definitely think hubby needs to inform them that the two of you are expecting. This gives them time to rethink this whole rift.

Good luck and God bless!

 

[Belle10]

You’ve already gotten a lot of good advice. I’ll just add that maybe you can pray for the intercession of St. Jane de Chantal – she is the patron of, among other things, in-law problems.

I hope things work out and reconcilliation is possible for you guys.

 

[vera_dicere]

A wise priest once told me we are called to love people, but that doesn’t mean we have to like them, be friends with them or even get on with them, and that can include family.

You need to look after yourself, your husband and your child. Family spats can be harmful to all concerned, especially children. Frankly, you’ve offered the olive leaf, if they don’t accept it, leave it at that, and you’re honestly better off then.

Of course, kids have the habit of changing people’s perspectives, so who knows, let them know you’re pregnant as a courtsey, and leave it at them, let them make the moves, and if they look nasty, cut them out.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Congratulations!

As far as the in-laws go, on the one hand, this could lead to them having a change of heart. One portion of my wife’s family despised us from the get-go. They went to great lengths to ruin our marriage and looked down on & mistreated me from the moment they met me, no matter how much I did to treat them well and show them how wonderfully I was to my wife. When our first daughter was born, her aunt suddenly decided to try to put all that behind us and be a positive part of our life. It didn’t work out, but it was pretty shocking to see just how much she changed.

On the other hand, I can absolutely sympathize with not wanting them in your lives. There’s a portion of my family we don’t feel we can be around anymore. They’ve treated us terribly, especially during my wife’s last two pregnancies. We have another baby on the way and, like you, we were planning on not telling them at all until after the baby arrived (we only relented on that because not being able to talk to her siblings about it was causing my mother a good deal of distress). We know that the best that we can hope for if we would go around them is that they would go out of their way to be a bad influence on our children, which isn’t something we care to have happen. We’ve forgiven them for the awful things they’ve done, but we’re certainly not bound to put ourselves in a situation for them to mistreat us again.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

Is your husband planning on visiting with his relatives and taking the baby and not you? Tell him you are not comfortable with that if you are not comfortable with that. If the relatives come over to your house, I would try to put the past behind and just move on. Maybe try a peace offering speech. I can not imagine they will come into your home and not speak to you.
My husband and our kids would visit with his parents without me. They made it clear I was not welcome into their family so I saw no reason to hang out with them. I would visit them on holidays when we were invited, and make the best of it. I knew my husband wouldn’t let anyone speak poorly about me in from of our children, and I never spoke poorly about my in-laws either.
My mother in law passed away when our children were very young, her husband (my husband’s step-father) remarried, and that was the end of that side of the family.
I don’t blame you for defending your husband. I am surprised his relatives would have a problem with your defending your husband. I can not imagine why there was not more communication when the incident happened.
This time in your life is such a blessing. I would give anything to be expecting a bundle of joy. Make peace where you can and move on from the rest and don’t let one sad thought take away one second of this joyful time in your life.